Blind Fury
by PendulumDeath
Summary: It was true that Heiwajima Shizuo loathed Orihara Izaya, so his hatred for the Information Broker was bound to eventually burst into a fit of blind fury, that one moment of giving in to his rage turning their lives and those of the people around them upside down. How far will Izaya go before his thirst for revenge finally gets satisfied?
1. Darkness Descends

**NC-17, ( M/M, M/F )**

**Warnings:** _Rape, Trauma after rape, Violence, Dark, Hurt, Angst, Psychological Torture, Blood, Language_

**Notes:** _This version of Blind Fury that I'm posting on FF is less explicit than the original one. This fic is certainly not for everyone, so if dark, angst and drama isn't your thing, you will most likely hate Blind Fury, in which case, I suggest you turn back. I hope you will heed my warning, because I don't want people to get mentally scarred over something I wrote. Thank you._

**Chapter 1: Darkness Descends**

No matter how many times Heiwajima Shizuo chased Orihara Izaya out of Ikebukuro, the Information Broker always came back. It was an undeniable fact, and Shizuo held no pointless hope that things had miraculously changed in the span of a couple of days. Sighing in annoyance, his squinted eyes darted around in the vain hope of finding him, but no matter how much he focused on his task, he was unable to spot him, the raindrops falling from the sky and splashing onto the pavement considerably lowering the visibility during dusk. That didn't mean however that Izaya was not somewhere nearby, waiting for the right moment to reveal his disgusting smug face and ruin his day, the man's sole presence bringing about chaos in both his life and in the city that never seemed to sleep. It was always the same for Shizuo, the despicable louse showing up in Ikebukuro to either conduct shady business or to piss him off just for his own sick amusement, as though Izaya got his kicks out of riling him up on a daily basis._The flea should get in line_, thought Shizuo with a scowl on his face as he took out a cigarette from a slightly crumpled pack, placed it between his lips and lit it up. He took a drag from it and slowly exhaled the smoke, repeating the action a few more times until the itching need to satisfy his vice temporarily diminished.

He felt like a bomb ready to explode, and the fact that his day off from work couldn't have started any worse didn't exactly help. He was woken up from his sleep by someone knocking on his door, and no matter how hard he tried to ignore the noise grating on his nerves, he eventually got out of bed, his mind set on beating to a bloody pulp the person who refused to give up and leave. There were three more knocks during the time it took Shizuo to get from his bed to the door, the desire to murder the man growing exponentially until it reached critical mass, the extremely aggravating sound summoning the vivid imagine of nails being hammered into his brain. "'the hell you want?!" Shizuo snarled after he grabbed the handle and yanked it backwards, the door falling from one of its hinges from the sheer strength he put behind the action.

"Hei-Heiwajima Shizuo-san?" the man asked, his whole body shaking in unadulterated terror.

"Yeah, what do you want?" Shizuo growled out the words while trying his best to keep his rage in check in order to not crush to fine dust the much smaller man before him, finally figuring out that he was there to deliver something ―if the clothes he was wearing were anything to go by.

The handle broke in Shizuo's hand and the man yelped, his previously small eyes comically widening and almost bulging out of his skull at the terrifying display of raw strength. "I'm s-so so-sorry Hei-Heiwajima-s-san!" the man stammered and took a deep bow before running away on shaky legs.

Shizuo blinked a few times as he watched the retreating form, and then shrugged and moved to close the door when he finally noticed the neat box placed against the outside wall of his apartment. _Didn't that idiot need my signature or something_, he wondered and then scratched his head in confusion as he stared at it for a few moments before he bent down to pick it up in order to see who the sender was. His expression softened a bit when he read the name, and he gently lifted the box, turned around and kicked the door shut. He could feel the tension in his body slowly starting to ebb away, and he smiled fondly as he sat down on the couch and proceeded to open the package. Judging by the look and the size of the box, he had an idea on what was inside, so when his eyes fell on the unexpected, he didn't know how to react.

"Eh?!" Shizuo exclaimed none too smartly, for once at a complete loss for words.

His brows furrowed in confusion, and he clenched his fingers into the expensive-looking material of the varied clothing articles as he picked them up one by one before dropping them on the couch, not expecting to receive such gifts from his little brother because Kasuka usually sent him bartender uniforms as an incentive for him to work hard on keeping his job at the bar.

He felt his stomach churn as his eyes fell on the letter placed at the bottom of the now empty box, already dreading the words that were most likely written on the seemingly harmless piece of paper. His limbs shook with fine tremors as he slowly picked it up and opened it, his vision wavering as his mind assimilated the meaning of the written words.

**_These should be of more help to you_** **_now that you've lost your job at the bar._**  
><strong><em>Love, Kasuka<em>**

A feeling of shame flooded his being, and the belief that he had once again disappointed his brother tore his heart apart. The piece of paper crumpled as he slowly balled his hand into a clenched fist, the nail-punctured skin dripping blood onto the worn out carpet. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, now he knows I lost my job,_ he thought in a panic, unsure of how to face Kasuka now that his younger sibling had most likely realized that he was a lost cause. He reclined against the couch and covered his eyes with the back of his other hand, a feeling of hopelessness taking over both his body and mind. He stayed like that for a long time, drowning in self-loathing as he recalled all those times when he ended up disappointing his friends and family because of his unrestrained rage. It was always the same, with him trying his best to lead a normal life, until the smallest of things set him off and he would end up destroying everyone and everything in his path. He was aware that he had problems, that he was way beyond help, but it still pained him to know there was nothing he could do to change the awful human being that he was. _No, not a human being, a monster,_he thought dejectedly, lacking the will to even do something as simple as getting up. He stared at the ceiling for a long time, his mind bombarded by all sorts of painful memories as the hours ticked by awfully slow, until nature's call was too strong for him to ignore any longer.

That had been his day until then, along with aimlessly wandering Ikebukuro's streets for hours on end because the air in his apartment felt terribly suffocating. Scowling, he retrieved the lighter and the almost empty cigarette pack from the pocket of his bartender uniform pants before he pulled one out and placed it between his lips. He sighed as the taste of nicotine flooded his lungs after the first smoke, and he only managed to go through a quarter of the cigarette before the rain suddenly started pouring and he was forced to get rid of it while he waited inside a store. Heiwajima Shizuo was the sort of creature who enjoyed basking in the sun all day long, the proof being his ever present purple tinted-glasses that he wore. He hated the rain in general, but at that moment he despised it more so than usual, the cold air already seeping into his bones and making him more irritated than he already was. He tried to block the annoying voices buzzing all around him, but in the end it proved to be an impossible feat. Resigning himself to his fate, he leaned against the door's frame and watched the gloomy outside world as the cover of the night progressively settled upon the usually lively city, the rain slowly relenting until finally stopping all together.

Growing tired of brooding over his general inadequacy, Shizuo figured that it was best to simply go home and sleep it off because there was nothing else for him to do besides waiting for the next day when he'd go back to work and hopefully vent his fury on some scum who deserved to get his head repeatedly slammed into a wall. For once in his life, he really wanted to brutally beat up someone.

Mind set on going back to his apartment, he sighed and ran a hand through his dyed locks in resignation, but before he even had a chance to take a step outside the store, the bane of his existence that was Orihara Izaya passed him by with nary a care in the world, his face as smug and cheerful as ever. Muscles tensing, he growled and convulsively flexed his hands in a desire to viciously crush the loathsome insect. It was all Izaya's fault that he'd disappointed Kasuka once again. "KILL KILL KILL" he muttered, the people around him quickly making themselves scarce at the first sign of peril.

_Today you die! Today I'll fucking kill you no matter what!_


	2. Breaking Evil

**Chapter 2: Breaking Evil**

**.**

It was getting dark outside when the rain finally stopped pouring over Ikebukuro, a thick fog quickly settling over the city. There weren't many people on the streets, but the bone-chilling cold wasn't something that could keep someone like Orihara Izaya away from his beloved humans. He usually had ulterior motives for showing up in Ikebukuro, like feeding Shizuo's enmity towards him out of pure, twisted amusement, or trying to start a gang war, but this time around he was hoping not to run into the man because he was enjoying his evening stroll. He felt a sense of foreboding as a chill ran down his spine, and he knew that it wasn't from the cold the moment he got hit by a vending machine, his body flying unceremoniously through the air before he fell head first into concrete, the unconventional weapon having been savagely thrown at him by none other than Heiwajima Shizuo, the only human that Izaya could never love.

"IIIZAAAAYAAAA!" a monstrous voice boomed throughout the street, Ikebukuro's beast heading towards him with quick, edgy strides.

Ignoring the pain that bloomed in his brain the moment his head collided with the ground a bit too hard, Izaya struggled to get up before the beast would catch him and tear him apart, the man's antics never failing to amuse him. He pulled out with a shaky hand the switchblade he always carried with him in the right pocket of his coat and he spun around, brown-red eyes falling on the incarnation of Wrath stomping towards him. "Ahh, Shizu-cha~an! I had a feeling it was you," he greeted him in a singsong voice, knowing full well how the sound alone would grate on his archenemy's nerves.

Shizuo stopped just before reaching his enemy, his control hanging on nothing more than a thread. Tightly shutting his eyes, he took a deep breath. "I thought I told you to stay out of Ikebukuro," he finally snarled, honey-colored eyes boring holes into his foe.

Izaya snickered, their routine always starting with the same words they had told each other a thousand times before. "Ah, but Shizu-chan, when have I ever listened to you?"

"KILL! KILL! KILL!" Shizuo chanted through clenched teeth like it was some sort of mantra, his whole body shaking in uncontrolled rage.

One glance at the barely leashed fury in the beast's gaze told Izaya that was his queue for getting the hell out of there, so without further delay, he spun around and started running in the opposite direction, the force of nature that was Heiwajima Shizuo hot on his heels. If this was any other day, he would've lost Shizuo in a matter of minutes, but this time around, it felt different. For some peculiar reason, Shizuo seemed much faster and angrier than usual, and that said something about the danger Izaya was in because he was having a hard time avoiding the obstacles in his path, his head injury throwing off his balance to the point that he couldn't effortlessly flip, twirl or soar through the air the way he usually did. As though things weren't already bad enough, his headache kept growing in intensity the more he ran. Something felt wrong, and he knew that he couldn't afford to play with Ikebukuro's beast while possibly sporting a concussion. Shizuo didn't usually bother to chase him outside of Ikebukuro, so he concluded the best way to get rid of him was to go back to Shinjuku. With that thought in mind, he turned left and jumped over a fence to put some distance between himself and his pursuer, almost twisting his ankle in the process when he roughly landed on the other side. He heard a loud noise from behind him and he smiled, not even bothering to turn around. He assumed that the brute had most likely brought down the fence instead of jumping over it, because Shizuo was like a tornado knocking everything in its path. Mind going in overdrive to find a way to escape, he finally remembered there was a building with a back exit nearby, so he took a sudden left and rushed towards it, hoping to lose Shizuo through the intricate hallways. He dashed through the front door and continued to sprint, their rushed footsteps resonating throughout the empty hallways. Unfortunately, Shizuo was unyielding in his thirst for blood, and Izaya was starting to worry that he wouldn't be able to escape the man hunting him, the beast almost succeeding in getting his monstrous hands on him a few times. To his chagrin, all his attempts at losing Shizuo by the time he reached the back exit had miserably failed. "Shizu-can is being so persistent today~!" he said out loud, annoyed that his stroll through Ikebukuro had ended in such a fiasco.

"You have no idea, flea!" Shizuo growled and threw a trash can at Izaya, hoping to smack the insect straight into that messed up head of his.

Izaya chuckled as he elegantly evaded it even though he was starting to feel faint from being chased for so long by the relentless beast behind him. "Tsk, tsk, that's not good enough, Shizu-cha~an! You're going to have to try harde~er!" he said without thinking, his bad habit of taunting the man each time they ran into each other being something hard to shake off.

Shizuo was fuming, his frustration increasing exponentially after each failed attempt. Every time he'd been close to catching him, Izaya had somehow managed to slip through his fingers. If only he could somehow catch him, he would make him pay. He would kick that scrawny ass until the insect couldn't get up anymore and just couldn't talk back to him. Unable to think straight anymore, he roared as he grabbed the nearest street sign and swung it left and right in a frenzy, trying to land a hit on the slippery bastard.

Izaya evaded each hit, this time a bit slower than before, and kept on running through the narrow streets for a while, doing his best to throw the beast off his scent. He was starting to feel like a hunted animal, and he couldn't remember ever getting this impression during any of his previous bouts with Shizuo. He grit his teeth harder in frustration and tried to further increase his velocity, heart beating wildly inside his rib cage from the sheer effort it took to run at such speed while feeling queasy. After a while, he chanced a look backwards and sighed in relief when he saw that he had finally succeeded in losing Shizuo, but he didn't stop yet, wanting to put some distance between himself and the beast before finally slowing down and walking at a normal pace. He sighed in relief when he realized what a close call it'd been, and he couldn't help but wonder just what might've happened to make Shizuo so much angrier than usual. It seemed to have something to do with him, but he couldn't remember doing anything in particular that day to piss him off, except for showing up in Ikebukuro, but that was the norm by then. His hand went up and he gingerly touched the injury on his head, wincing every time his fingertips touched the swollen skin. Unfortunately, he was so focused on trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with the beast that he didn't notice any presence nearby until it was too late and he was grabbed by the neck, pulled into an alley, and then slammed into the brick wall hard enough to knock the air out of his lungs.

"I've finally caught you, bastard," Shizuo growled, his expression bordering on insanity as he glared at his enemy with all the cruelty in the world. He tightened his hold around Izaya's neck and pushed harder, almost squashing him between his body and the wall. Now that the insect was finally in his grasp, at his mercy, he would not let him go without breaking every bone in his body. He could already picture it in his mind, all the ways in which he would make him scream in agony, but the euphoric moment didn't last long because the silence was shattered by Izaya who started tittering, the suppressed snigger blowing into full-fledged laughter in a matter of seconds.

"What now, Shizu-chan? Are you going to kill me?" Izaya inquired in a derisive tone after he'd finally stopped laughing. He knew that Ikebukuro's beast was a lot of things, but a murderer was not one of them.

Snarling, Shizuo kept squeezing the frail neck, until the previously pale face started turning blue. He couldn't understand how Izaya could still laugh in his face after being caught, the man's attitude making him wonder if perhaps the insect was insane. It was a child's play for him to break the flea's neck as if it were a twig, and yet Izaya didn't seem to comprehend the danger he was in. Reluctantly, Shizuo loosened his grip, barely restraining himself from wringing the bastard's neck once and for all.

"Do you want to know what I think?" Izaya continued after he'd finally stopped wheezing, his lips set into a malicious smirk. "I have a feeling that Shizu-chan can't kill anyone because he's all bark and no bite."

Shizuo once again tightened his grip around Izaya's neck, but otherwise stayed quiet, a violent storm going on inside his mind. He knew the man was taunting him, because that was what he always did whenever they ran into each other, but it still annoyed him to see how easily he could get riled up, like Izaya knew exactly which buttons to push in order to make him lose his sanity and send him into a murderous frenzy. His eyes narrowed into slits and he glared at the insect, trying to decide what to do next.

Irritated that Shizuo was just scowling at him instead of doing something, Izaya started struggling, hoping to somehow free himself from the brutish grip so that he could get away from there, but no matter how hard he tried to push him away, he was unsuccessful, the task of shoving Ikebukuro's beast away from his person being no easier than trying to move a mountain. Jaw stiffening, he glared back at the man, the prolonged silence somehow making him nervous. After all, it wasn't in the beast's nature to hold him there against the wall without doing anything. The sound of a thunder splitting the sky in half seemed to have finally snapped Shizuo from wherever his mind had been wandering, because he peeled Izaya off the wall and dragged him towards the far end of the alley where he shoved him off roughly before backing away just a bit. Izaya raised his head and looked up into his enemy's eyes, a shiver running down his spine at the way in which they shun into the darkness of the night. He despised feeling trapped, so he pushed himself to his feet, took out the switchblade from inside the pocket of his coat and pointed it in his opponent's direction, ready to fight his way out of there through whatever means necessary. "Shizu-chan is awfully quiet tonight," he observed, his expression set into a frown.

Shizuo glowered at the disgusting insect before him and shoved quivering hands inside the pockets of his pants before taking a deep breath and looking up at the murky sky. "I hate you, flea," he finally said through clenched teeth and lowered his eyes until they made contact with Izaya's brown-red ones. "I hate you so much that I can barely restrain myself from tearing you apart right now." He withdrew his cigarettes and lighter from his pockets and flicked open the lighter, the flame dancing for a moment before it wavered in the draft, forcing him to cup a hand and incline his head in order to lit up the cigarette. Smirking, he took a drag from it, the fire flickering in the darkness and reflecting into Izaya's rusty-red, almost blood-like eyes. "You'll never even think of coming back to Ikebukuro after tonight," he announced in a confident tone as he pushed the lighter and the cigarette pack back into his pockets before advancing towards Izaya like a predator closing in on its cornered prey.

The moment he sensed the bloodlust, Izaya dashed forward and tried to plunge the blade into Shizuo's chest, but instead he got punched in the face by the man who had succeeded in evading the attack. His wrist was caught and almost crushed by a strong hand, and his fingers loosened around the handle of the switchblade until the weapon fell from his hand and hit the wet pavement with a loud clack. He tried to wring himself from the iron grip, but Shizuo kept twisting his arm until he was forced to get down on his knees to avoid getting it fractured, the humiliating position increasing the already deep ire he held for the man before him. _This hurts,_ he thought, but he still craned his head upwards and gazed defiantly into Shizuo's hateful eyes.

"KILL! KILL! KILL!" Shizuo snarled and raised his arm to bash the louse's head in, his fist halting in mid-air when Izaya's tongue darted forward to lick the split bloody lip, an unexpected wave of lust hitting him so hard that he nearly staggered backwards in shock. He shook his head to snap out of it, and then tried to inhale some much needed air, but his breath hitched when Izaya used his free hand to wipe some of the blood away, the accursed flea only succeeding in further smearing it across his lips, that simple gesture somehow making everything that much worse. He felt the world starting to spin around him for what felt like an eternity, and then finally going back into focus when Izaya's voice sliced through the fog in his mind.

"Aww, Shizu-chan, that was not very nice of you. You know how much it hurts my feelings when you get so rough with me for no reason," he jeered, struggling to keep his voice steady even though he was in a lot of pain because of the way in which the man kept squeezing his wrist.

"I have plenty of reasons to bash your head in. Besides, how can I hurt something that never existed to begin with?" Shizuo muttered through too dry lips, still somewhat startled by his body's messed up reaction. No matter how he looked at it, something was fucking wrong with him. He shook his head, refusing to admit that he got turned on by the sight of a bloody and defeated Orihara Izaya kneeling at his feet.

"Now you're just being mean," Izaya replied, pouting.

"This is it, flea, it's now or never. Just as you are now, on your knees in front of me, sincerely apologize for all the shit you've done to me over the years and I'll let you go."

Izaya burst into laughter for a second time that night. "Shizu-chan is being really silly if he thinks that I will ever apologize to him. I have done nothing that warrants an apology," he chirped, the beast's request having been the funniest thing he had heard in a very long time.

"Except for ruining my life, but you don't seem to give a shit about it," barked a seething Shizuo as he grabbed Izaya by the hood of his coat, yanked him up after loosening his grip on the bruised wrist, and then knocked their heads together as hard as he could.

Izaya hanged there limply in Shizuo's grasp for a few seconds, until his vision came back into focus and he saw his switchblade shine at their feet. He elbowed Shizuo in the chin in an attempt to free himself, but the man crashed a knee into his chest so viciously that Izaya felt one or more of his ribs crack under the monstrous force behind the blow, the violent action successfully stopping him from reaching the weapon. He staggered backwards, gasping in both pain and shock, and there was nothing he could've done to stop the beast from grabbing the knife and stomping towards him. He tried to get away, but Shizuo caught him and covered his mouth with one hand, using the other one to shove him into the wall, his broken rib protesting at the savage treatment.

Consumed by hate and mindless rage, Shizuo plunged the knife into Izaya's thigh deep enough to feel its tip grate against the leg's bone. He didn't stop there though, he couldn't, because he wanted the louse to suffer more, just like he had suffered over the years as a result of the bastard's schemes. Gazing into Izaya's wide, terrified eyes, he released his hold on the switchblade still deeply embedded into a quivering thigh and took a drag from the cigarette hanging loosely between his lips before he blew the smoke into the insect's face and pressed the burning tip against the pale neck, the smaller body twitching in pain as the once flawless skin sizzled under the scorching heat.

Izaya was in too much of a daze to be able to think of anything else besides the burning pain radiating from both his thigh and neck, the sensation only intensifying the moment the blade was wrenched out of his leg. He was vaguely aware that Shizuo was pushing him down on the ground and then turning him face down, every movement making the pain a thousand times worse than before. He almost felt relief when he finally stopped moving, but the feeling was soon replaced by dread when his head was yanked backwards and he felt the cold metal of his own switchblade being pressed against his throat.

"I gave you a chance to walk away," Shizuo growled, drowning in a sea of hatred, "but you laughed in my face instead of taking it."

Even through the agonizing pain, Izaya still managed to laugh at the words being spoken to him, the sharp edge of the blade swaying for a moment before being pushed harder into his skin. If Shizuo thought that he would beg for mercy, then the beast had another think coming. "A-and I'll k-keep laughing," he tried to taunt him in a cheerful tone, but his voice shook with the effort it took to speak.

Being the gasoline thrown into the fire that his hatred for the man was, Izaya's words made Shizuo's body quake in blind fury, and with the battle against the last traces of his control lost, he removed the switchblade from the pale throat and banged the man's head so hard into the pavement that a few droplets of blood spattered on the wet stone surface where they mixed with the rain water. "This is exactly what I mean. You're a bastard, Izaya," he growled, "but you know what? If you keep fucking with people, one of these days you will get fucked in return. As a matter of fact, today is such a day."

Izaya didn't know what Shizuo meant until he felt his coat and shirt being roughly pushed up his body. Confused, he froze for a second, and then he started to struggle for all he was worth as the wheels in his brain finally started to turn. _No way, _he thought, a faint sound of disbelief slipping past his tried to throw the beast off him, but Shizuo twisted his left arm behind his back, successfully subduing him once again. _Is he really going to―_Panicking, he tried to scratch Shizuo's face when the beast got close to his ear, but instead of injuring his attacker, he got his right hand caught by the blond who twisted it until the wrist broke with a sickening crunch. Izaya screamed, and the broken appendage was released in favor of covering his mouth with bruising force in order to muffle the pained screams, the strong tobacco smell on the brute's fingers almost making him gag. Only when what would've been piercing cries finally died down, did the hand retract and made its way down his back and towards the pants. "S-Shizuo, you c-can't do t-this," he stammered, dreading what would happen if the beast didn't stop.

"Shut up!" Shizuo ordered, fingers curling around Izaya's belt.

"You can't do this!"

"I said shut the fuck up!" he snarled and ripped Izaya's belt off before he proceeded to tug down the man's pants and briefs.

"Are you insane?!" screeched the Informant, Shizuo's incongruous intentions completely throwing him off.

_Yeah, flea, I'm insane, you made me this way. This is your fault. If only you had left me alone... If only you didn't fucking exist,_ he bellowed inside his head, because he couldn't stop himself any more than he could whenever mindless rage took over and he felt the urge to crush something, someone, anyone.

"SHIZUO!" Izaya yelled, hoping to somehow wake him up from the insanity plaguing his mind. "T-This is too much even for you!" he continued, his trembling voice giving away the fear he felt seeping through his veins.

**"SHUT THE FUCK UP, IZAYA!"** roared Ikebukuro's beast. He smirked when he felt Izaya's whole body tremble in terror beneath his hands, and it thrilled him to know that the annoying insect finally understood who was in charge. "Fucking flea," he continued, "I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget."

The sounds of Shizuo's buckle unfastening almost made Izaya whimper, the belt's ominous rattling noise making the whole situation that much more real and terrifying. "S-Shi-zu―" he started and nearly whimpered when he heard the zipper being lowered. Completely panicking, he started struggling again, knowing what to expect if he couldn't reason his way out of it. He knew he was a terrible person, but not even someone like him deserved such a fate. **"I don't de―"** was the only thing he managed to say before Shizuo covered his mouth with bruising force. He shrieked into the hand covering his mouth as he felt his body being speared through, his fearless facade instantly obliterated by the intense torrent of anguish shattering his mind. He couldn't stop hos body from convulsing in agony, hot white pain incinerating him from the inside, his resolution to not show his enemy any tears quickly breaking.

With his forehead dipping against a trembling shoulder, Shizuo's grunts of pleasure were muffled, until he raised his head and removed the palm covering Izaya's bloody lips so that he could hear his cries better. "How does it feel to be fucked raw by the person you hate the most?"

Izaya's indignation reached monumental heights, the sheer disgrace of it all riling him up. He started struggling with renewed strength, his frantic attempts at freeing himself quickly turning out to be futile when Shizuo twisted his arm harder, a keening sound spilling out at the unexpected action. Izaya immediately cursed himself for his mistake, the unintentional pathetic display only serving to further heighten his misery.

"Broken already, flea?" Shizuo asked in an malicious voice.

"No, no, of c-course not, Shizu-chan, I'm m-merely waiting f-for you to r-resume our sweet love-making," Izaya sniffled, his voice faltering a little as he breathed out. He was struggling to sound as indifferent as possible, all the while fighting really hard to not break into sobbing, the disgusting voice and breath above him making everything that much worse.

Shizuo stilled for a moment, his muscles tensing, enraged that the fucking flea still dared to act so defiant. "You little shit, **just die!**" he viciously spat out the words.

Izaya couldn't fight anymore. Everything hurt, especially his pride, and he was painfully reminded of the difference in strength when Shizuo tightened the hold he had on his left wrist and resumed his earlier activity. Jaw stiffening, he refused to beg for mercy, the only proof of his agony being a lone tear running down his cheek. When it came to brute strength, he was no match for Ikebukuro's beast, and all he could do was lay there in a humiliating state of complete helplessness, waiting for Shizuo to finish and leave him the fuck alone. The pain was excruciating, but the knowledge of what was being done to him was unbearable.

Shizuo however didn't like it when Izaya wasn't struggling. He wanted him to fight more, to hurt more. Pushing the bleeding head into the wet concrete, he released the frail wrist, seized a slender hip and pulled it up until Izaya was on his knees, subsequently putting more strain on the injured leg. Satisfied with the new position, he continued from where he left off, trying to engrave the pain in every inch of that pale body so that the insect would never be able to forget.

"Ahh... h-hurts," Izaya sniveled, his left hand clawing at the ground in an attempt to get away from the onslaught of pain.

"It's supposed to hurt, you dumb fuck!" Shizuo sneered and pushed Izaya's head harder into the pavement.

"My leg, **it hurts**!" Izaya shrieked between breaths that sounded like sobs, unable to withstand the pain any longer, tears falling freely down his face.

Shizuo didn't say anything. Instead, Izaya felt the fingers in his hair tighten, his head being lifted into the air, and then slammed so ruthlessly into the ground that a strangled cry escaped him as pain bloomed into his brain, his vision wavering and darkness creeping at the edges of his awareness. Cold tendrils of genuine fear started spreading throughout his body at the terrifying thought that Shizuo might really kill him before everything was over, and a maelstrom of emotions assaulted his addled mind at the idea of dying such a horrible death._ Please finish already, please stop, please let me go,_ he wanted to say, but he never did, the only thing stopping him from doing so being the last remnants of his crushed pride and his hate towards Shizuo as he struggled with everything he had to deny Ikebukuro's beast the pleasure of knowing just how badly he had broken him. After what felt like an eternity, when Izaya knew that he wouldn't last for much longer before reaching his limit and giving the beast what he wanted, Shizuo came with a deafening roar, slicing through Izaya's hazy consciousness like a blade, pulling a few strands of hair and almost shattering a bruised hip in the process. Izaya couldn't help a loud, pained cry from escaping his throat, his face slick with tears from the emotional upheaval and the unbearable pain he had been forced to endure at the hands of such a monster.

Intense abhorrence welled up within him, and as soon as Shizuo's hold on him loosened, he willed himself to move forward with his still working arm and leg, the need to do something, anything, to regain any shred of dignity spurring him on. He heard the brute curse and he turned around on instinct, only to regret it when his red-rimmed and bloodshot eyes were met with the sight of Shizuo fixing his pants. The world swirled around him and he collapsed on the cold cement, his elbows unable to support his upper body any longer while his exhausted mind was tempted to sink into the sluggishness and to let go until his consciousness plummeted into darkness. _**Disgusting, **_was the word that kept repeating itself into a loop inside his mind while he scrunched his eyes in order to chase away the accursed image. When he couldn't get rid of it, he opened his eyes, trying to blink away the blurriness of his vision, only to lock them with the one who had done such an unforgivable thing to him, the man's honey-brown eyes boring into his dark, almost red ones so intensely that Izaya felt as though he was suffocating. He was too afraid to even breathe, terrified that if he moved a single muscle he would provoke the beast into finishing him off, so they stayed like that for a while, the world freezing around them until the monster finally broke eye contact.

"Now we're even," Shizuo informed him just before he turned around and started walking away, the sounds of his footsteps splashing on wet pavement painfully resonating throughout Izaya's distressed mind.

Eyelids fluttering shut, Izaya took a few ragged breaths, finding it hard to believe that he had succeeded in surviving the ordeal. _Finally alone,_ he thought, his lower lip quivering as he curled in on himself, wild shivers wracking his frail frame, his body starting to go into shock. _Even? No, Heiwajima Shizuo, we're not even, not even close. There's a chasm between what I've done to you over the years and what you just did to me._


	3. In Death's Embrace

_Many thanks to the kind Anon who took the time to leave a comment. It always makes me happy to hear people saying they like this fic. I've actually started working on the new chapter, so hopefully it will be up in two or three days. Thank you again!_

_._

**Chapter 3: In Death's Embrace**

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As much as he wanted to stay there and not move a single muscle, he knew that he had to get up and go home, least he wanted to die like a dog in that dirty alley. He could already imagine someone finding his bleeding corpse, the sight of it enough to most likely traumatize any of his humans for the rest of their lives. Disgust welled up inside of him at the thought, and he steeled his mind on getting out of there no matter what. Grinding his chattering teeth harder, he crawled towards the nearest window, grabbed the metal bars with his left hand and pushed himself up using his uninjured leg, the task of just standing making him want to welcome the blissful unconsciousness bordering on the limits of his awareness. Not trusting his legs to not buckle, he hung onto the bars for dear life, his eyes scrunched up in agony and gasps escaping in a jumbled mess at the sheer effort it took to simply keep standing, knowing that he couldn't afford to lose consciousness no matter how much his tattered body told him otherwise. He stayed like that for a while, trying to get accustomed to the vivid pain tearing his mind to shreds. His vision flickered once his eyelids fluttered open, and as he took a look at his surroundings, he finally recognized the place where the beast had dragged him and shown him just how easily he could break him. Shizuo had been smart to pick that particular spot, a testimony to the fact that the man knew the area very well, the buildings surrounding him having been abandoned due to the risk of collapsing during a major earthquake.

A jolt of acute pain raced through his entire body, bringing Izaya back to the matter of getting home before he really passed out. He waited for a bit longer to make sure that he wouldn't faint at the first movement before he bent down and struggled to get his pants up with only one working and trembling hand, the task proving to be more difficult than he had first imagined because the material kept slipping though his stiff, cold fingers as he struggled to tug them up. He almost sighed in relief when they were finally back in place, but the feeling was short-lived when he realized that one of his shoes was missing. His eyes darted around the place until he finally spotted it not far from where he was standing, so he took a step towards it in an attempt to reach it, only to throw up the moment he felt more of that dampness between his legs, the disgusting feeling making his stomach turn upside down. He cursed Shizuo to hell and back, his head pounding much worse than before and the blood from the injuries on his head burning his eyes each time he blinked. When he was finally done puking, he wiped his mouth and tightly held his broken wrist as he breathed in and out, disheveled. His drenched body was trembling from both the shock and the cold, agonized whimpers squeezing out between his teeth for a few moments until he scrubbed a hand over his bloodied face, aware that if he didn't start moving soon he would end up having a complete mental breakdown. He proceeded forward, limping towards the shoe until he managed to get to it and slip it on. With a stabbed, swollen leg, a bleeding behind, a broken rib and wrist, his body protested each time he took a step forward, hurting in ways he never thought possible.

He started moving at a snail's pace, back hunched from the intense pain as he dragged his broken body while trying to ignore the pain, at the same time struggling to stop the events of that evening from replaying in his distressed mind, not noticing the person behind him until he was grabbed by the arm and spun around. As he recoiled from the contact, his back hit the wall he was previously leaning against, and he stared in fright at the person before him, trying to remember why the face looked familiar.

"Do you need help?" the person asked mechanically, but it seemed like Izaya was having a hard time recalling words and what they meant. "Can you hear me? Are you all right?" he tried again, but there was still no answer. "Orihara-san, what's wrong with you?"

Finally recognizing his own name, Izaya's eyelids fluttered in an attempt to get rid of the blurriness so that he could see better. "Who are you?" he asked in a voice so low that the other man had to strain his ears in order to hear him.

"You don't remember who I am? It's me, Kasuka."

"Kasuka…" Izaya repeated slowly, trying to find the information hidden inside the fog in his mind.

"Heiwajima Kasuka, Shizuo's younger brother."

"Heiwajima…" Izaya repeated before something in his mind clicked and he shuddered in intense terror as he tried to tear himself away from the fingers capturing his arm.

"Calm down, I only wish to help," Kasuka assured him as he released his hold, causing Izaya's feeble body to plummet to the ground like a rock. He immediately bent down to pick him up, only for his hand to halt in mid-air when he saw those terrified, bloodshot, brown-red eyes staring at him as though he had been the one to hurt him.

"Did Shizuo s-send you h-here?" Izaya asked in a shaky voice, panic surging at the thought of the beast sending his little brother to finish him off.

"No, I haven't talked to him in a while. I'm sorry, Orihara-san, I only wanted to help," Kasuka spoke softly, unable to comprehend why Izaya was so shaken by his presence.

Realizing that Kasuka saw the fear in his eyes, Izaya lowered his head in an attempt to hide his face from view, only to raise it again when he heard the sound of a phone opening and of buttons being pressed. "What are you doing?" he nearly squeaked and eyed him suspiciously, wondering if perhaps he was calling the beast to inform him that his archenemy was wounded.

"Calling an ambulance," was Kasuka's curt answer.

"Don't! Stop!" Izaya hurried to demand, aware that Kasuka would never call an ambulance if he knew what Shizuo had done.

"You need help. The injuries on your head look really bad," Kasuka insisted.

"S-Stop it!" Izaya half-begged and half-demanded, panic-stricken at the thought of anyone ever finding out about the shameful thing that had been done to him. He apprehensively waited for Kasuka's response, the hands he tucked beneath his arms shaking with fine tremors as the uncertainty of what the monster's brother would do next seemed to endlessly drag on.

After a few long moments of awkward silence, Kasuka snapped the phone shut and pushed it back inside the right pocket of his jacket before opening his mouth and speaking in the same monotone voice he always used regardless of the situation he was in. "Can I at least take you home?"

Izaya gazed deep into Kasuka's eyes to see if there was any malice in them, but all he could see was emptiness, which was the opposite of what he was used to seeing when it came the beast, so he nodded, finally understanding that he couldn't get home by himself in the state he was in. He watched as Kasuka called a cab, and then waited until the car arrived. He had considered that option too, but he doubted that any driver would let him in when his clothes were soaked in blood. As expected, he heard the two men arguing, but he couldn't focus on what they were saying, nor did he care enough to try to make out their words, not when his head was painfully throbbing. It was only when Kasuka called his name and offered a hand to help him up that he was brought back to reality. He took it hesitantly and got up with the other man's help, trying to fight off the disgust he felt at having Shizuo's brother touch him. He was in too much pain to even stand, let alone walk, so he leaned against Kasuka and limped towards the cab, doing his best to not to cry out in agony when he had to sit down on the back seat. He heard more than watched Kasuka close the door before the man went around the car to sit with him, all the while the asphyxiating pain in his backside almost bringing fresh tears to his eyes. He ruthlessly bit into lower lip, hoping to stifle any sounds threatening to come out the moment the car started moving, unwilling to let others know just how badly he was hurting. _I just want to go home,_he thought, despairing, before he sank into the sluggishness and allowed his body to fall to the side when the cab took a tight corner, his head somehow ending up in Kasuka's lap. "I'm… sorry. I just c-can't―"

"It's ok, Orihara-san, don't worry about it," Kasuka said, briefly wondering what exactly had happened to his brother's enemy. It was none of his business though, and as soon as he made sure that Izaya got home, he'd be on his way. It was more than most people would've done, considering what the man had done to Shizuo over the years. "Orihara-san… can you hear me?"

"Y-Yeah," he answered weakly.

"Where do you live?"

It surprised Izaya that it didn't even cross his mind to inform the driver of his home address. Normally, he would've easily recalled the information, but at that moment, he found it extremely difficult to remember, especially when all he could think about was the pain between his legs and the wetness causing wild shivers to wrack his broken frame. Gritting his teeth in frustration, he scrunched his eyes shut and tried to fish out the information he needed out of the violent storm going on inside his mind. He whispered it to Kasuka when he eventually found it, because talking just hurt too much, especially when his throat was sore from so much screaming, and then waited for the beast's brother to relay the information to the driver before he could finally allow his consciousness to succumb to the darkness bordering on the edges of his awareness. He stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, not even caring that he was leaning against the monster's brother, drowning in a deep, dark abyss where all he knew was agony, the suffocating pain leaving his mind in tatters, until he was forcibly pulled out of it when Kasuka shook him awake and told him they had arrived at his apartment building. Grabbing onto the front seat, he tried to pull himself up but failed, so he waited until Kasuka opened the door and helped him out, a pathetic whimper almost slipping past his tightly shut lips at the thought of having to walk. "The key is in the right p-pocket of my pants, and my wrist is b-broken, so I can't grab it," he finally said, wanting to get it over with as soon as possible so that he could finally allow himself the privilege of surrendering to the darkness tempting him with its sweet promise of oblivion.

Kasuka nodded and proceeded to unbutton the man's coat and pull out the keys, not failing to notice the way in which the smaller body trembled in what seemed to be apprehension. He tried not to think about it though, because it was none of his business, so instead he distracted his mind by paying attention to the man's pained noises so as to not aggravate his injuries as they walked up to the apartment.

Izaya nearly cried at the sight of his beloved abode, legs nearly buckling in relief as though he had just reached the end of the line and he could go no further. "Bathroom, t-take me there; it's upstairs," he ordered, knowing that he would most likely be unable to make the short trip there by himself.

"Got it." Kasuka helped the man up the stairs, assuming that Izaya was planning to take a bath, and that in turn made him question the viability of the plan when his brother's enemy seemed too weakened by whatever had happened to him to even walk by himself, let alone wash and then walk out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.

"Help me fill the t-tub, and then get out of m-my house," Izaya requested, so exhausted that he could barely stand even while using the sink as support. He watched with red-rimmed eyes as Kasuka turned on the water and left the bathroom, the daunting task of taking off his blood-soaked clothes almost making him want to give up and jump into the water as he was. He knew that he couldn't though, so he steeled his mind and proceeded to take off his coat first, then his pants, only to freeze in shock the moment he caught his reflection in the mirror. He stared, transfixed, unable to tear his eyes away from the blood smudged all over his face, nor the black and blue bruises in the shape of fingers encompassing his neck and imprinted over his mouth and jaw. He'd been injured before, but it was never this bad, and the fact that his archenemy had been the one to inflict the wounds made everything that much worse. He was almost too afraid to take off his t-shirt after seeing the damage to the face, but he knew that he had no choice, so he proceeded to slowly take it off before dropping it on the floor, all the while being mindful of his broken rib. Unfortunately, he made the mistake of looking down at his legs, the blood streaming down his thighs making the room start to spin around him at a dizzying speed. He gripped the sink tighter and moaned in both physical and mental anguish, the disgust he felt racing through his body mercilessly engulfing him from within. "I didn't deserve this..." he sniveled, and he couldn't stop a wail from climbing up his throat and escaping though his bloody lips, fresh tears spilling down his blood-stained face.

"Orihara-san, are you all right?" Kasuka blurted as he burst through the door, only to stop in his tracks when he saw Izaya leaning against the sink looking as though he was ready to pass out at any moment, the man's dark red gaze slanted his way reminding him of a wounded animal, though to describe him as just a _wounded animal_ was an understatement, because while he could tell that a large amount of blood was gushing from the stab wound in the right leg, the rest of it was coming from between the man's legs. "You have to call the police," he said softly.

"I won't," Izaya rushed to answer, his voice sounding pathetic even to his own ears.

"Then I will," Kasuka said with determination.

A bitter laugh welled up from deep within, and Izaya allowed it to spill past his bloody lips. "Trust me; you of all people **don't** w-want the police involved."

A chill ran down Kasuka's spine, a terrifying thought emerging and taking root into his mind at the man's both scornful and resentful tone. "What do you―"

"Help me get into the tub," Izaya ordered, and then struggled to take those two steps towards it with the help of the beast's brother, all the while wondering if Kasuka had succeeded in figuring out the meaning behind his cryptic words. He almost wanted him to know, because the beast didn't deserve anyone thinking of him as a good person when he clearly wasn't one. Heiwajima Shizuo was an absolute monster, the many wounds littering his body a testimony to that fact. His jaw stiffened in apprehension when he tried to lift his right leg to get into the tub, but that proved to be more difficult than he had imagined, the pain shooting up his spine almost sending him tumbling head first into the wall, the only thing stopping him from such a terrible fate being the firm grip Kasuka had on him. He crawled more than he stepped in it, but he couldn't be bothered to care because he was finally where he wanted to be and nothing else mattered besides getting rid of Shizuo's disgusting seed and the tobacco smell. His wounds stung terribly everywhere they came in contact with the water, and he soon learned that he lacked the energy to even move a finger, let alone wash, his vision quickly tunneling into darkness.

"Are you sure you don't want me to call an ambulance?" Kasuka asked again.

Izaya weakly nodded, his voice hardly above a whisper. "I'm sure."

"There must be someone I can call. Please, Orihara-san, you're dying," Kasuka insisted. He was almost certain that Izaya would most likely bleed to death before the night was over if he didn't get any help.

Izaya pondered the question for a few moments, and then whispered a name just before he allowed both his body and his mind to succumb to the much awaited state of unconsciousness.

Kasuka rushed to Izaya's discarded clothes the second he heard the name, immediately recognizing it as belonging to the doctor both his brother and Izaya were friends with. He didn't know his number though, so he hurriedly rummaged thought the pockets of Izaya's bloody clothes until he found the phone and looked through the contacts to find the number belonging to one Kishitani Shinra.

_"Why are you calling me this late at night? Don't you know what ti―"_

"Orihara-san needs your help. He has lost a lot of blood and I don't think he will last the night if he doesn't get help soon. We're at his apartment, please hurry, Kasuka said and then shut the phone before the underground doctor even had a chance to say a word. With that taken care of, he set the phone on the sink and leaned against the wall, his eyes slowly drifting to Izaya's bloodied and bruised face, the disturbing thought from earlier still not giving him any peace. The whole situation somehow unsettled him more than even he wanted to admit, and no matter how much he wished to leave, he knew that he had no choice but to wait and make sure that Izaya wouldn't drown until Shinra arrived.

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Kishitani Shinra was used to getting strange calls from Izaya, but he never expected to hear someone else's voice through one of the man's many phones, especially when he knew how possessive the Information Broker was when it came to those devices. Startled by the whole thing, he put the phone down, worry etched into his face.

Celty immediately noticed the man's expression shift from annoyed to outright perturbed, so she turned off the TV, got up from her spot on the couch and slowly approached him. [ What's wrong? ] she asked, hoping that it wasn't something serious.

"I just got a strange phone call," he said after reading the text his beloved Celty typed on her PDA before shoving the device into his face.

[ From whom? ]

"I have no idea. I'm sorry, but I don't have time to talk right now. Can you help me gather a few medical supplies?" he asked before he picked up the phone again and called a cab.

[ Of course! ] she was quick to answer. [ What do you need? ]

"Put these in a proper container," Shinra requested it of her after picking up a few O type blood bags for the transfusion. He always had a few of those hanging around because he was used to getting surprise visits from both Shizuo or Izaya. The two of them rarely bothered to visit unless they needed something, so when they did show up at his apartment, it was usually because they needed him to patch up their wounds. He had no idea how many bags he would actually need, or if he would need any to begin with, but it was better to be safe than sorry. If it turned out that it was nothing more than a prank call from Izaya, he planned to beat up the bastard senseless and then make him pay for the visit. Slightly annoyed by that thought, he picked up a medium-size bag from the closet, shoved inside some other things he thought he might need, and then turned his attention back to Celty who seemed to be done as well.

[ Do you want me to come with you? ] she asked as she handed him the blood transportation container.

"I'd love to take you with me, my dear Celty, but I need you here in case I forgot to bring something with me. I'll call you soon," he answered and stormed out of the apartment, seriously hoping that it was just a prank because he didn't want to have to treat an almost dying Izaya.

He ended up paying the cab driver double the sum just to convince him to get there faster, and as soon as the car stopped in front of the apartment building, he quickly got out of it and rushed to the elevator, impatiently tapping a foot against the floor until the door opened with a cling and he sprinted out of it, the blood trail leading to the man's apartment making his heart beat wildly inside his chest. "Izaya, are you in there? Open the door!" he nearly shouted, now seriously worried about the man. The door swished as it was quickly opened, and Shinra's eyes went wide when he finally realized who had been the one to call him. "Kasuka, why are you―"

"Please hurry, we'll talk about this later; at the moment there's no time to waste," he pleaded, urging the doctor to follow him inside.

Shinra nodded and followed the man up the stairs and towards the bathroom, the sight meeting his grey eyes when Kasuka opened the door instantly getting burned into his retina. It wasn't just anyone lying in a bathtub with crimson water, it was someone whom he could go as far as to call a friend. Izaya was lying with his head resting on the edge of the tub, unconscious, his right arm hanging limply over the side, the wrist twisted at an odd angle, his ashen skin a heavy contrast to the crimson blood covering a large part of his face. "Did your brother do this...?" he couldn't help but ask, Kasuka's presence further strengthening his belief that it was Shizuo's doing.

Kasuka shook his head, trying to convince himself more than anyone else that his brother couldn't have possibly been the one to do something so horrible. "I found him on the street and brought him here. I don't know what happened."

Shinra nodded and approached the tub to check Izaya's vitals, letting out a sigh of relief the moment he confirmed the raven was still alive. "Put some towels on the bed and then bring one here," he instructed, his eyes never leaving Izaya's unconscious form for the whole two minutes it took Kasuka to come back. He held the towel while Kasuka pulled Izaya out of the tub, and then the both of them carried the Informant to the bedroom and gently laid him on the bed. Shinra would've preferred to take him back to his place, but he doubted the man would survive long enough to even get there. "Wipe his head with this," he told Kasuka after retrieving a towel from one of Izaya's drawers, and then watched him for a moment to see if he was doing it right before he got up and went to get some blood to pump into the ghostly pale body. He put on a set of surgical gloves and picked up one of the bags, feeling a bit frustrated that he didn't have an I.V. pole to hang it from. "Hold this," he said just as he thrust the bag into Kasuka's left hand before he inserted the needle into a vein in Izaya's left arm. He then retrieved the blood bag and improvised a way to hang it from the headboard, annoyed that he had already wasted too much time on setting the whole thing up. With that out of the way, he proceeded to inspect Izaya for life threatening injuries. The first thing he noticed was the deep cut on the man's leg, and he immediately concluded that it needed to get stitched before the Informant would lose any more blood than he already had. Judging by its depth, the knife had to have hit bone, but it didn't look like it cut through any major artery, and he couldn't help but wonder who held such a grudge against Izaya to want to hurt him so badly. It wasn't just the stab wound in the leg that spoke of a vicious attack, but also the many bruises littering the once unmarred skin, especially the ones on Izaya's face ― like someone had covered his mouth to keep him quiet ― as well as the bruise in the form of a large palm imprinted on the man's left hip. Shinra's face turned grim at a particular terrifying thought, the blood pooling underrneath the man's middle section confirming his theory. "Did you know he was..."

"Yes, I know. He told me to leave, but I was worried he would die if I left him alone, so I came back, and that's when I saw him. I saw the blood," Kasuka said, his eyes roaming over the motionless form as he felt some pity for the man. He didn't care much for anyone in general, least for an enemy of his brother, but what Izaya had gone through was wrong on so many levels that it somewhat disturbed even his usually emotionless self. "Will he live?" he asked the doctor, hoping for a positive response.

"I hope so," Shinra answered honestly and went to get a few more things from his bag. Turning around, he locked eyes with Kasuka. "Can you give us some privacy?" he asked, knowing that Izaya would not appreciate him taking care of his more 'delicate' injuries while in the presence of Shizuo's brother.

"Of course," said Kasuka a bit too quickly, glad that he could get away from there.

Shinra watched Kasuka leave before he turned his attention back to the patient. If he survived, the man would most likely hate him just for knowing what happened, but Shinra didn't care as long as Izaya lived. He knew such an experience to be devastating for the victim, but for someone like Izaya, it would probably be much worse, because the Informant loved to think of himself as an untouchable god, when he was, in fact, just another human. "I'm sorry, Izaya," he told his unconscious friend before he steeled himself to check just how badly the man had gotten torn.

On the lower floor of the apartment, Kasuka kept pacing the living room, his earlier thoughts still not giving him peace. _What if Shizuo... No, he would never. He couldn't have... but what if... _he kept thinking, somewhat disturbed by his own thoughts. Staring blankly ahead, he told himself that his brother would never do such a thing, that Shizuo was a good man who wouldn't brutally assault another person, even if said person happened to be Orihara Izaya. He was starting to feel exhausted, so he sat down on the expensive couch and stayed there alone with only his thoughts as unwanted company for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, he heard Shinra open and then softly close the door behind him, so he patiently waited for the man to come downstairs, the look on the doctor's face telling him that Izaya was still alive.

"I really wanted to take him to the hospital so that he could get proper treatment, but I'm sure he would've killed me had I done so," Shinra said, feeling a bit faint after seeing the full extent of Izaya's injuries. It was not something he ever wanted to witness again.

"I offered to take him to a hospital, but he refused."

"Sounds just like him," Shinra mused, and he knew that his brittle smile was betraying just how upset he was about the whole thing.

"Will he be all right?" Kasuke asked, hoping that he hadn't been too late in getting help.

Shinra looked pensive for a few moments, his eyes unfocused before finally settling on Kasuka's blank face. "I don't know about that, but he'll live. You really don't know what happened?" he questioned, hoping for anything that could lead him to the culprit.

"I'm sorry, I don't."

Shinra made a sound of disappointment before he took off his glasses and scrubbed a hand over his face. "I see. You've been of great help, thank you. I'll take care of him now, so you can go home and rest if you want. I'm sure you have a busy schedule tomorrow," he said with a forced smile on his face. "He would be dead now if it weren't for you," he then added as an afterthought.

"I'm sorry I couldn't do more."

"You saved his life, that's all that matters," Shinra said and led him to the door. "Thank you again."

Kasuka nodded and walked out the door, knowing that he wouldn't be able to sleep before visiting a certain someone.

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_**A/N:**__ I would appreciate it if you guys would point out any errors/typos you may find. No matter how many times I edit this fic, I always seem to be finding some. ;n;_


	4. Once Upon Atrocity

**Chapter 4: Once Upon Atrocity**

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Heiwajima Shizuo had been labeled as many things during his lifetime: _monster, beast, brute, protozoan, freak,_ as well as many other nicknames people gave him over the years, but none of them were anywhere near as terrible as the appalling title of _rapist._ The thought hit him when he got home and he started to undress in order to take a shower, his body growing cold at the sight of Izaya's blood staining his clothes. He hated Izaya so much that he hadn't been able to stop himself from doing it**.** It was as though he'd been possessed by something much worse than the monster who usually took over when he got angry. This new monster relished the thought of inflicting pain, it loved seeing Izaya powerless, unable to escape his grasp, and each time his prey had tried to stay quiet, the monster would only ram into him harder, wanting to hear his screams.

That had been then though, back when he was still drowning in hatred and fury, but he no longer felt the same way. He simply stood there naked inside his bathroom, staring at the bloody clothes thrown into the dirty clothes bin, his stomach roiling with sickening intensity as images of the ferocious assault viciously flooded his mind. He had raped the louse for god's sake. It was sick. He was sick. A shiver ran down his spine. _Shit! How could I―_His thoughts were however interrupted by a knock on the door, the sound almost making him jump out of his skin. He grabbed the bathrobe with a trembling hand and put it on, all the while trying not to think of Izaya's blood still covering some parts of his body. It felt disgusting to walk around like that, but he had no choice when the person who was looking for him kept knocking instead of giving up and leaving. Cursing under his breath, he walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom before he crossed the small hallway and the living room so that he could open the door, immediately freezing in his tracks when he heard the voice behind it.

"Nii-san, open the door!"

Shizuo's whole body shuddered in alarm, the thought of his little brother finding out about the horrible things he had done to Izaya scaring him more than anything in the world.

"I know you're in there, so please open the door before I use the key you gave me," Kasuka threatened.

Shizuo broke into a cold sweat. "I'm coming," he finally said in a trembling voice and reluctantly dragged his body towards the door.

Kasuka waited patiently outside, hoping he'd been wrong and that Shizuo was not the one who had assaulted Izaya. His brother was the easiest person to read, so he was almost too afraid to see the man's face because he would instantly know if he was guilty or not. The lock clicked and the door slowly opened, revealing Shizuo's startled face, and that's when he knew that his brother had done it.

"Why are you here?" Shizuo asked, his voice unsteady. After the shitty day he had, Kasuka was the last person in the world he wanted to see, especially after the note he got from him that morning.

"I have something to talk to you about, please let me in."

Shizuo's knees almost buckled, the thought of having a conversation with Kasuka while he was still covered in Izaya's blood being beyond messed up. The sooner he could get him to leave, the better. "I was about to take a shower..." he tried, hoping that Kasuka would understand and come back another time, even though he wasn't sure that he would ever get the courage to face him again even if he came back, too ashamed at having disappointed him once again after promising to do everything in his power to not get fired from his job at the bar.

Kasuka's already half-closed eyes infinitesimally narrowed. "Nii-san, let me in now," he demanded and then pushed the door, the thing opening with almost no resistance at all, as though Shizuo's muscles had suddenly turned to jelly. He immediately noticed the blood smudges on Shizuo's hands but said nothing, first wanting to properly assess the situation before making any accusations. Tearing his eyes away from what was most likely Izaya's blood, he walked inside and sat down on the couch, Shizuo following behind him like a lost puppy, all the while avoiding his eyes as though he was too ashamed to face him. "Sit down, nii-san," he ordered as he patted the spot beside him.

Shizuo's body jolted in shock, and he suddenly felt colder than ever, as though he was nothing more than a corpse, still moving around because he was cursed, doomed to forever roam the Earth as atonement for his sins against Izaya. Such a filthy creature had no right to be anywhere near someone like his little brother, yet he had no choice but to sit down.

Kasuka looked him up and down, analyzing him with a critical eye. Although the man was wearing a bathrobe, he couldn't hide the blood smudges on his face, hands and collar bone, which meant that Shizuo hadn't lied when he said that he was about to take a shower. That, along with the slumped shoulders and the adamant refusal to meet his eyes, was all the proof he needed.

"Why are you here?" Shizuo asked again, this time in a strained voice. "And alone at that. Where is your bodyguard?"

"I sneaked out. I sometimes take a walk by myself when it rains because there aren't many people on the streets and I can move around without being recognized."

"You shouln't do that. It's dangerous. You could get hurt. There are some really sick people out there," Shizuo scolded him, clenching his fists tighter. _Like me._

Deciding there was no point in dragging it on, Kasuka cut straight to the subject. "I ran into Orihara-san earlier," he ruthlessly dropped the bomb.

Shizuo's body shook and his heart sped up to an insane rhythm inside his rib cage, the noise so loud that he could hardly hear himself think. Body nearly vibrating with dread, he raised his head and locked eyes with Kasuka, knowing full well that his little brother would read the shame and the panic in them. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out, as though the line between his brain and his vocal cords had suddenly been severed.

"He was badly injured; he almost died, but you already know that, don't you, nii-san?"

Shizuo felt the world starting to spin around him, the memory of brutally assaulting Izaya and then leaving him to bleed to death in a dirty alley almost making him throw up right there. He was a terrible human being... No, not a human being, a monster, just an animal deserving a slow, painful death.

"Right, nii-san?" Kasuka continued, his tone as emotionless as ever. "Nii-san...?"

Shizuo couldn't hear anymore, his aching heart slamming itself so viciously against his rib cage that he thought it would rip right through his chest. He simply couldn't stand the idea of Kasuka being disgusted by him. Out of nowhere, he felt something touch his shoulder and he abruptly lashed out without thinking, his body acting on instinct as a result of the too many fights he had been forced into over the years. When some semblance of sanity came back to him, he was pinning Kasuka against the coffee table, one hand around the slender neck and the other around his brother's right wrist. He couldn't move, let alone think of a way to fix whatever the hell it was that he was doing, an invisible fist immediately gripping his heart and squeezing it without mercy as punishment for him attacking his little brother. Struck by shock, he just stared, Kasuka's calm expression only serving to further increase his distress, those seemingly emotionless eyes always bringing the worst in him, as though his little brother's general lack of reaction somehow fueled his anger.

Kasuka lightly brushed Shizuo's cheek with his free hand, the despair his older brother exuded bringing unwanted pain to his heart. "Nii-san, calm down," he spoke in a tone much softer than his usual monotone one.

Shizuo nuzzled into the touch despite the feeling of it burning his skin like molten lava, knowing full well that it was all in his head. He swallowed the lump in his throat but still didn't let go, afraid that Kasuka would leave and he would never be able to see him again. He loved his little brother more than anything in the world, and he knew that he would be crushed if Kasuka decided that he had enough and walked out the door without ever looking back. Not that he could ever blame him if he decided to erase him from his life, because Shizuo knew that he was a monster, which meant that sooner or later he would end up breaking the people he loved. Perhaps it was better if Kasuka pretended to not have a rapist as a brother. _It'd be best if he hated me,_he thought as he tightened the fingers around the pale neck, not missing the way in which his little brother stiffened at the gesture. "Now you know, Kasuka, now you know what kind of monster I am," he said through clenched teeth and swallowed hard, dejection lacing his words. Of course his little brother knew, and Shizuo was certain that Kasuka not only despised him, but that he was also afraid of him.

Meanwhile, Kasuka kept gazing into the tumultuous honey-brown eyes, trying to figure out what was going on inside Shizuo's head. He knew better than anyone how much his brother hated violence, so he couldn't understand why Shizuo had gone as far as to rape Izaya. He didn't even remember his sibling ever expressing any interest towards the same sex, so it was puzzling that he would sexually assault a man, unless he had completely lost himself to his anger, more so than ever before, in which case he could've done it as a way to destroy Izaya. The rush he might've felt at finally capturing the person he hated the most in the world could've drove him to it, but even so, it was too much even for Shizuo. "You're not a monster, nii-san," he said softly, even though he knew that what Shizuo had done was truly monstrous.

"**I am!** Can't you see that?!" he screamed in despair, his left hand slamming down on the coffee table near the right side of Kasuka's head, as though he was trying to prove just how much of a monster he was, yet finding himself unable to drum up the needed ruthlessness to chase his little brother away from his apartment and consequently from his life. "These bloody hands that are pinning you down right now did the same thing to that accursed louse! You... you can't even imagine what I did to him, how I hurt him, **how much I enjoyed it**! What if I lose it and I hurt you?" he blurted out, his voice faltering as he fought to breathe. "What if I lose it and I―"

"I'm not Orihara Izaya," Kasuka spoke calmly, unfazed by the earlier display of violence. If Shizuo thought that he could scare him into running away, his older brother had another think coming, because Kasuka couldn't remember a time when he had ever been hurt by him.

"So what?! **I'm still a monster!**" Shizuo growled out the words.

"You're not going to hurt me, nii-san," Kasuka stated with absolute certainty.

**"How can you be so sure about that?!"**

"Because I know you. I'm not here to judge you, I only want to help you." Kasuka's voice had been soft, and he raised his hand to touch Shizuo's wan face for a few moments before moving it upwards and running his fingers though tousled blonde hair, his eyes unwillingly being drawn to the blood smudge just below the stiff jaw. _How could you do such a thing,_ he thought sadly, the grip on his throat finally relaxing after what felt like an eternity. Taking it as a sign to continue, he looked him straight in the eyes. "Please, nii-san, let me help you."

Shizuo nearly wept at hearing those words come out of his little brother's mouth, Kasuka's gentle touches swiftly putting out the fire that was his anger. Overwhelmed by the unconditional love, he removed his hand from around Kasuka's neck and slumped backwards on the couch, strong hands going up and tugging at his hair in despair. "How could I do that to him? How could I enjoy seeing him cry while I was... while I was― **I deserve to die!**" he cried out, voice cracking towards the end. He felt Kasuka pull him into a hug and he tried to draw back, but hands that held startling strength tightened around his torso, refusing to let go. Trapped, he shuddered in the embrace, hating himself for tainting Kasuka with his cursed existence. _I don't deserve this! _**_I don't deserve _****_him_****_!_**


	5. The Image Of Pain

**Chapter 5: The Image Of Pain**

**.**

**.**

Tom knew that something was wrong with Shizuo the moment he saw him, the man's rigid posture and the dark circles under his eye a clear indication that something was bothering him. That wasn't what got his attention though, because while Shizuo did look much tenser than usual, it was nowhere near as surprising as the normal clothes the man was wearing instead of the usual bartender uniform. He was tempted to inquire about the reason for the change, but he had a feeling that Shizuo would not appreciate it, so instead he kept quiet about it and tried to send him home. "Hey, if you want, you can take the day off, you know that."

"I'm fine, let's go," was Shizuo's swift answer. He was not in the mood to go home where he'd have nothing to distract him from his own condemning thoughts.

Tom wasn't happy with the answer, but he didn't think that pushing his employee would do any good, so he merely shrugged before they went on with their work. Shizuo barely acknowledged his presence after that, the man only waking up from wherever his mind was wandering just enough to shake an indebted guy into paying before retreating back into his mind and ignoring everyone and everything around him until it was time to once again put his strength to good use. "Go home," Tom finally ordered, sighing, the cigarette burning his friend's fingers telling him that Shizuo had forgotten he even had it in his hand to begin with. He expected the man to protest again before turning around and walking on ahead towards their next client, but to his surprise, instead of getting _no_ for an answer, Shizuo muttered an "I'll see you tomorrow" and left, Tom staring at the man's retreating back with a puzzled look on his face.

Shizuo couldn't take his mind off what had transpired the night before no matter how hard he tried, a feeling of constant nausea settling in his stomach, an echo of Izaya's cries of agony constantly ringing in his ears as a grim reminder of what he had done. He felt so mentally and physically exhausted that he had a hard time getting his legs to move, his feet mostly scuffing aimlessly across the pavement and somehow leading him to a park. He sank heavily on the nearest bench and closed his eyes, the sun's deceptively warm rays biting into his already cold skin. He had been so out of it after his discussion with Kasuka that he didn't even remember his little brother leaving, the events of the previous night stopping from registering in his mind around the time Kasuka hugged him. The next thing he remembered was waking up on the couch when the alarm went off, his body still carrying the evidence of his assault on Izaya. Disgusted by himself more than by Izaya's blood, he dashed to the bathroom, dropped to his knees and threw up, his body so weak that he barely had the energy to get up and take a shower. He truly was an animal, a beast, someone who didn't deserve any pity from anyone, especially from someone as good and kind as Kasuka. Just thinking about his brother made his heart ache. He knew that Kasuka cared about him, but to go so far as to not abandon him after what he had done to Izaya... Kasuka had to be a saint; it was the only reasonable explanation.

His eyelids felt heavy as he tried to open his eyes, but he blinked a few times and shook his head in an attempt to wake up, his nicotine deprived lungs screaming for a cigarette. He thrust his hands into the pockets of his pants and pulled out the lighter and an almost empty pack, sucking in the smoke the second he lit it up. Without meaning to, his thoughts went back to the previous night, and he immediately hated himself for his inability to keep them at bay. It was as though he could still feel Izaya struggling under him, screaming in pain, squeezing him so deliciously tight. _Fuck,_ he cursed, too shocked by his own thoughts, that feeling of nausea burning through the pit of his stomach instantly intensifying. It boggled him to even think that he had enjoyed it, because sure, Izaya was an evil little creep, but not even the damn louse deserved to get humiliated in such a way, even though, at the time, it had seemed like the perfect punishment in his crazed mind. It was only after it happened, and their eyes locked, that Shizuo had truly became aware of what he had done. He remembered his heated, sated body suddenly going cold, the look of absolute terror in the Izaya's eyes making the blood freeze in his veins. _No one should have that look in their eyes, not even Orihara Izaya,_he remembered thinking, the memory alone making his hands shake with fine tremors.

He lifted his arm to inhale some much needed smoke and then stopped, the memory of burning Izaya with a cigarette making him gag. Revulsion suddenly filled his senses and he hurled it to the ground before he raised his foot and furiously crushed it under the sole of his shoe. _"We're even,"_ his own words echoed in his mind, and he leaned forward, quivering fingers tugging at his hair in self-loathing. He could not understand for the life of him why he had said it, the words leaving his mouth before he even had a chance to process them. It was true that Izaya had ruined his life by getting him fired from a few jobs in the past, or by pinning crimes on him so that he would get arrested and even going as far as to try to get him killed, but he still shouldn't have raped him. He was supposed to be better than that, but apparently he wasn't, because in the end, he was nothing more than the filthy monster that others had accused him of being his entire life.

The only comfort he had was that Izaya was still alive, and he couldn't help but wonder how the man was doing. According to Kasuka, Izaya had almost died, and the thought of almost killing another person, even if said person was only a bastard louse, made him hate himself more than ever. If it wasn't for his little brother, Shizuo knew that he would most likely be in jail for rape, homicide and probably even torture. Something had to be seriously wrong with him to do such a despicable thing as leaving a bleeding Izaya alone in a filthy alley. Then again, he didn't exactly think back then, and perhaps that was the problem. Somewhere, in some remote corner of his mind, he had assumed that Izaya would simply get up and limp home, because no matter how much he had tried to break him, the bastard's mind refused to cave in. His body tensed, the thought that he might still end up in jail passing through his mind. There was nothing stopping Izaya from informing the police about what had happened to him, but at the same time Shizuo didn't think that the man would want something like that to be known by others; the insect was a proud dirtbag after all. His mind kept torturing him with images from his encounter with Izaya for a while, and he didn't even notice anyone getting close until someone was in his face and he had to squint his eyes to see who it was. Aghast by the sight, he abruptly jerked backwards, his face turning as white as a sheet of paper and his ears ringing so loudly that the sound was almost deafening, an eternity passing before a voice finally succeeded in slicing like a blade through his addled thoughts.

"―our brother?"

"W-what?" Shizuo asked in a strained voice.

"Iza-nii, today?" Kururi shyly inquired.

Shizuo tried to swallow the lump in his throat but he couldn't, and it felt as though he was slowly suffocating.

"Oh well, I'm sure he's alright, he always is," Mairu chirped.

"Y-Yeah," Shizuo stuttered. "What a-are you d-doing here?"

"We heard that Hanejima Yuuhei is filming somewhere nearby, so we came here hoping to see him," the younger of the twins said in an excited voice before her smile fell and she pouted. "When are you going to introduce him to us?"

"Soon, but not today, sorry. I have to go, see ya," Shizuo said and got up, desperately wanting to get away from them.

"I'm going to kill Iza-nii and dump his body inside a dumpster one of these days, so don't forget your promise!" she added.

Shizuo felt his heart sink, her innocent words told as a joke cruelly tearing into him. It didn't look like they had any idea about what had happened to Izaya, and the simple thought of being anywhere near the twins after viciously raping their brother made his guilt increase tenfold, their resemblance to the man only serving to further mercilessly thrust the metaphorical knife into his already bleeding heart. "We'll talk about that another time," he told them, and then walked away with hurried steps, their mere presence making him uncomfortable because of how much they looked like Izaya. As that thought entered his mind, he cringed and nearly threw up right then and there, but he kept on walking until he was far enough from the twins, the fresh air helping him with the nausea.

He only stopped when he could go no further, and he leaned against a wall and stayed like that for a while, completely drained, hoping that his racing heart would stop galloping. After a while, he found the strength to push himself away from the wall and get his legs to move in the direction of his apartment, but all he could think about was how Izaya was doing. He even thought he caught sight of him at some point when he saw a fur-trimmed coat out of the corner of his eye, but on closer inspection he confirmed that it wasn't him. _Of course it's not him, Izaya is probably unconscious,_he told himself as he remembered the large puddle of blood he saw under the man after he had his way with him, the memory of leaving him there like that and walking away increasing his feelings of self-loathing.

The rest of the way to his apartment was a blur, dark thoughts bombarding him every step of the way. He mechanically pulled out the keys from his pocket and opened the door, not even bothering to lock it behind him before he sluggishly moved towards the couch and slumped on it, head falling in his hands in despair. He hated violence, yet he ended up inflicting the worst kind of humiliation on Izaya. The flea was a douchebag, there was no denying it, and some part of him still believed that Izaya deserved what happened to him, but it was a tiny part of him. Even so, it was still a part of him, and that truly scared Shizuo, because he couldn't help but wonder if he had always been such a monster. Perhaps the monster Shizuo was the real Shizuo, and the other part of himself that claimed to hate violence was nothing more than a lie. The hands in his hair tightened, teeth grinding harder against each other. He simply did not know what to do anymore.

He didn't move for a few hours from his spot on the couch, not until he heard a knock on the door followed by Kasuka's voice and he reluctantly forced himself to get up and open it after forgetting he hadn't even locked it to begin with. "What do you want?" he asked, both annoyed and exhausted, not in the mood to talk to anyone. Their previous conversation hadn't exactly gone too well, and the last thing he wanted was to end up losing it again.

"For starters, let me in," Kasuka demanded calmly, not at all intimidated by the hostility flung at him.

Shizuo moved out of the way and allowed him to come in before going back and sitting down on his earlier spot on the couch. "What do you want now?" he asked again.

"I came to see how you were feeling, so how are you feeling?"

A bitter chuckle left Shizuo's lips, the question hurting him in ways that his little brother could never imagine. "What kind of question is that?" he asked, his voice nearly cracking. "It's not like I was the one who got raped last night."

"That's not what―"

"It doesn't matter. Just tell me one thing. At the hospital, they said that Izaya was going to pull through, right?" Shizuo asked, hopeful, Izaya's unknown fate eating at him from the moment he woke up, because no matter how terrible the Informant was, he hadn't been able to kill him. He didn't want him to die after what happened, even though he knew that Izaya would gradually break him for what he had done, until there would be nothing left of the man known as Heiwajima Shizuo.

Kasuka stared for a while, realizing that he hadn't told Shizuo anything else besides the fact that Izaya had nearly died. It was good that Shizuo was asking about the man, because he didn't want to believe that his brother was a heartless human being who didn't even care whether someone he hurt lived or died. Kasuka himself was supposed to be the emotionless freak between them, not Shizuo. "I never took him to the hospital," he told him, and then watched Shizuo's hopeful expression morph into one of confusion.

Shizuo looked at him for a few moments, and then blinked. "Then where―"

"I took him to his apartment."

"What?" he nearly screeched, eyes widening in disbelief. He was shocked to hear that Kasuka would dump Izaya in Shinjuku and then leave with no care in the world. "And you left him there alone?! He lost a lot of blood... w-what if he's dead?" he hesitantly asked, heart pounding inside his rib cage.

"No, that's not what happened," Kasuka interjected and proceeded to explain. "I wanted to call an ambulance when I found him on the street, but he didn't let me do it, so I offered to help him get home. At that time I had no idea what was the extent of his injuries, so I didn't think that it'd be a problem to take him home."

Shizuo's hands were slightly shaking, a surge of panic filling his entire being. "You took him there and then...?"

"He told me to leave after I helped him up the stairs and into the bathroom, but then I heard noises coming from inside, so I rushed back in. I saw―" he started, but had to shake his head in order to get rid of the image of a very frightened and bleeding Orihara Izaya. "I saw the blood. There was so much of it... Nii-san, how could you do such a thing?"

Shizuo lowered his head again, a feeling of absolute shame overtaking him as the silence stretched between them. He didn't know how to answer Kasuka's question when he himself had no idea how he could snap like that and assault Izaya. He was planning to either beat him within an inch of his miserable life or to simply kill him, but the bastard's mocking words and that annoying laughter had made him lose it, a burning desire to crush the insect emerging from somewhere deep within. He was already in a shitty mood to begin with, so his mind was far from clear by the time he caught him. Then, somehow, in his messed up, monstrous head, he reached the conclusion that fucking the bastard would be the perfect punishment, because it would show him just how weak and powerless he really was instead of the invincible god he believed himself to be. "I... I'm not really sure..." Shizuo finally answered in a completely defeated tone.

Kasuka almost felt guilty for asking him such a thing, but he wanted to know and to understand. Unfortunately, it didn't look like Shizuo himself understood his own actions, which was to be expected. Feeling a bit bad, he moved closer to Shizuo who seemed to be trembling. "I'm sorry," Kasuka said as he rested his hand on Shizuo's shoulder. "Like I said, I'm not here to judge you, I only want to understand so that I can help you. I know how much you hate violence."

"No, Kasuka... that's not it."

"What do you mean?"

Shizuo took a deep breath, struggling to find the courage to say the next few words. It wasn't something he was proud of. "I hate myself for what I did to the louse," he confessed, clenching his fists tighter, "but that doesn't change the fact that I enjoyed it."

Kasuka gave Shizuo's shoulder a squeeze. "But you do feel bad about what happened, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm still a monster, and nothing I do now will ever change what I did to him."

"Monsters don't feel remorse, so you can't be one."

Shizuo turned his head and stared into Kasuka's eyes, grateful that his brother was still there for him. It was nice to know that he could always count on Kasuka to help him get through tough times, and talking to him always helped. "What happened to Izaya afterwards?"

"I called Shinra."

Shizuo breathed in relief, but then his entire body stiffened and his expression turned grim. "Does Shinra know that I was the one who... who... hurt Izaya?"

"No, he doesn't know, not yet anyway."

"G-Good," he said, but he was still worried that Shinra might figure it out, and the simple thought of more people finding out about he'd done to Izaya made him break into a cold sweat. It was already bad enough that Kasuka knew, and he didn't think that he would be able to handle the hateful glares and the disappointment he would most likely read in his friends' eyes. Kasuka was already going out of his way to comfort him, and that was more than he deserved. "You can let go now," he told him, his brittle smile most likely betraying his feelings, but it didn't matter, because Kasuka could read him like an open book anyway.

"What?"

Shizuo's eyes fell on Kasuka's hand on his shoulder. "You're not acting like yourself."

"Oh right," Kasuka said and pulled his hand away. "I'm sorry, I was just―"

"Trying to comfort me, I know, but I'm all right now. You don't have to force yourself this much for me. I don't deserve a brother as good as you."

Kasuka gazed into the honey-colored eyes, the too many emotions behind them almost overwhelming for someone as emotionless as he was. "No matter what you do, I'll always be on your side."

Shizuo's eyes widened in confusion. "How can you even say that?! What if one day I end up hurting you? Would you still be on my side?"

"Always on your side," Kasuka assured him, dead serious. To him, someone who could hardly feel anything, Shizuo was the person he most cared about. Only when he was around Shizuo did he feel somewhat normal, like his coldness and emptiness would somehow mix with Shizuo's fire to create something in-between, something close to normality. He knew that it sounded crazy, but it was what he thought and no one could ever make him think any differently. Shizuo smiled at him, a brittle smile, and Kasuka wished that he could make him understand just how human he was instead of the monster he believed himself to be.

Shizuo sighed in frustration. "Ugh, I need a cigarette."

"Do you want me to go buy you a pack?"

"NO!" Shizuo rushed to answer, his outburst startling Kasuka in the process. Embarrassed, he ran a twitchy hand through his hair. "I'm sorry."

"Since when did you quit smoking?"

"I didn't."

"Then what is the problem?"

"I... I can't stand seeing it burn anymore," he disclosed in an irritated tone.

"Why?"

Shizuo tensed, unsure whether or not to reveal more of the fucked up things he had ended up doing to Izaya. No matter what Kasuka said, he probably still saw him as a monster, but he deserved to know the truth. "I burned the flea with one. It's like I can still smell his flesh burning and it's making me sick," he finally said, his face turning pale.

Kasuka stayed quiet for a while, analyzing the information and processing it for future reference. The fact that Shizuo couldn't even smoke anymore proved just how affected he was by the things he'd done. Then again, even Kasuka himself had felt somewhat affected by the sight of a very naked, very bleeding and utterly terrified Orihara Izaya.

"I think I need to get drunk," said Shizuo and got up to retrieve a bottle of whiskey from one of the kitchen cabinets.

Kasuka looked at the bottle, then at Shizuo. "Since when do you drink whiskey?"

"I don't. Tom picked it up from a guy who couldn't pay his debts," Shizuo said and poured himself a glass. He noticed Kasuka looking at the bottle with an indescribable expression, and he wondered what was going through Kasuka's complicated mind. He saw him reach for the bottle and his eyes widened a bit. "You don't drink," he said in a high-pitched tone, immediately regretting opening his mouth.

Kasuka stared blankly at him. "Neither do you," he said in a flat tone and poured himself a glass. "There's a first time for everything."

They drank in companionable silence until they finished the bottle together, which didn't take very long. That one bottle however was not enough to make Shizuo as drunk as he wanted to get, so he offered to go out and buy some more alcohol, and, to his surprise, Kasuka agreed. His sibling didn't show it, but Shizuo knew that what had happened had somehow affected him as well. It wasn't the first time that Kasuka had to clean up his mess, but it was probably the first time his little brother had most likely realized just how sick Shizuo had to be in order to do such a cruel thing. He really did go buy more alcohol, and by the time he returned home with three bottles, Kasuka had fallen asleep. He took a blanket from the closet, draped it over him, picked up two of the sake bottles he bought, and then went to his room to drink some more. He really did get drunk that night.


	6. Revelations

**Chapter 6: Revelations**

**.**

**.**

As a doctor, Shinra was used to witnessing the aftermath of violence, but there was something eerie about seeing Izaya in such a horrible state, and he couldn't help but wonder who could do such a thing to the Informant because Orihara Izaya was anything but weak. Not even Shizuo had been able to catch him, so Shinra had no doubts that whoever had succeeded in capturing and doing such a thing to Izaya was an extremely dangerous person. His eyes wandered to the fluid sample he salvaged from Izaya's body and he hoped that it would help him find the culprit, even though he couldn't be sure that it would be of any use after Izaya did something as stupid as taking a bath. He frowned when the strange thought that Izaya might know who the man was entered his mind, because normal people didn't usually stand a chance to even get near the Informant, so unless Izaya had been somehow ambushed, which was unlikely, then he'd been sexually assaulted by a person he knew, and perhaps that was why he'd tried to wash away the evidence. Then again, Izaya could've simply been disgusted enough to want to take a bath regardless of the consequences. Whatever the reason was, it didn't matter anymore, and Shinra made up his mind to do everything in his power to help Izaya as much as he could, starting by not telling him just how close he came to dying the night before. He checked on him one more time to see how he was doing and then went downstairs to wait for Celty. He still needed some things from home, and Celty seemed more than eager to bring them over. _Maybe she just doesn't like being alone,_ he thought excitedly, and then berated himself for thinking with his lower head while Izaya was still fighting for his life. It had to have been a big blow to Izaya's ego for someone as strong and confident as he was to be humiliated and hurt in such a cruel manner, and even Shinra felt sick at the mere thought of it, but luckily he ended up getting distracted by a knock on the door, so he rushed there to let his future wife in. She didn't know that yet, but Shinra was certain that one day it would happen.

[ How is he doing? ] Celty inquired after she placed the bag on the coffee table and took the PDA out of her pocket.

"He'll live, but he's hurt pretty badly."

[ What happened? ]

Shinra couldn't help but cringe. He disliked hiding things from his beloved, but he knew that it was not right for him to reveal anything without Izaya's consent. "I'm sorry," he finally spoke in a voice laced with guilt, "but I can't reveal the details. What I can tell you is that it will take a while for him to recover." _Physically at least... there is no guarantee he will ever be able to mentally recover from it,_he thought sadly, and for the first time in his life, he truly felt sorry for another human being. By normal standards, Izaya was a terrible person, but that had never really bothered him. On the other hand, Shinra himself had no right to judge others when he was no better himself, not when he had no love for humanity and he only saw other people as potential subjects for his scientific experiments. The exceptions were Orihara Izaya and Heiwajima Shizuo, even though he would've loved to study Shizuo because the man was an interesting specimen. He sighed and regarded Celty with unease, knowing that she was still hoping for an explanation, but luckily her phone rang and she had to leave, but not before letting him know that she would be back as soon as possible.

With no one to keep him company, he went back to Izaya's room, not expecting to see the man struggling to get up. It only took him a moment to get over his initial shock and rush to the man's side so that he could immobilize him, because the last thing Izaya needed was to further aggravate his injuries. To his dismay, instead of making things better, he was making them worse, Izaya's pleas to be released tearing his heart to shreds. "Please calm down, it's me, Shinra," he tried, hoping that Izaya would somehow hear him.

"S-stop!" Izaya begged while violently thrashing on the bed, his eyes closed, bangs sticking to his sweaty forehead.

Shinra knew that Izaya would eventually stop struggling, but that didn't make him feel any better as long as he was pinning him to the bed. "It's me, Shinra, I won't hurt you, please stop struggling," he kept repeating, hoping that Izaya would eventually hear him, but the Informant obviously wasn't because he kept mumbling nonsense and flailing about like a trapped bird. Normally, Shinra would keep himself emotionally detached when dealing with patients, but it didn't seem to be working very well in Izaya's case, especially when the thrashing kept dragging on for what felt like an eternity before the man finally ran out of energy. The whole thing had been terrible, and Shinra breathed in relief as he slumped on the nearest available surface which happened to be a chair, hoping that he wouldn't have to ever do something like that again. He was so exhausted from staying awake the night before that he ended up dozing off, and when he woke up again, it was from a nudge to his shoulder.

[ Go get some rest, I'll watch over him, ] Celty told him when she came back in the evening.

"Don't worry about it."

[ I insist. ]

"Let me check on him first, then we'll talk again," Shinra said and got up to see how his patient was doing. Izaya's condition didn't seem to have changed during the time he had fallen asleep, but Sinra was grateful to Celty nonetheless for waking him up. He was feeling bad for taking a nap instead of watching over his patient. He was still very tired though, so tired that he didn't even sense her move closer until she was right behind him.

[ That looks terrible! Who did this to him? ]

"I don't know, but I'm hoping to find out soon. On a completely unrelated note, I believe that I am in dire need of some coffee, so let's leave Izaya to rest," he suggested in the hope that Celty would stop asking questions. He kept his breath as she stood there looking tense, and then breathed out in relief when she nodded, both of them leaving the room and heading for the kitchen. The Informant wasn't the nicest person around, but Shinra didn't think that Izaya deserved such a thing happening to him, and because of that he felt extremely angry. If only he knew who the bastard was, he'd sic Celty on him, and the doctor was sure that the Dullahan would have no problem in heeding his request even though she wasn't Izaya's biggest fan. Thoughts of revenge filled his head, and he imagined the many ways in which he could dissect Izaya's assailant, none of which were painless. Luckily, he was awoken from his fantasies when Celty shoved a coffee mug in his face.

[ There you go. ]

Shinra blinked. "When did you―"

[ While you were spacing out. ]

He looked up at her from his chair and smiled while thinking just how lucky he was to have such a wonderful woman as his friend and hopefully one day as his wife. Their fingers brushed when he moved for the cup, and he couldn't wait for the day when he'd be able to hold her in his arms without having to suffer bodily harm. Celty was obviously not easy to win over. He took a sip of coffee, sighing in contentment, and he was grateful to Celty for having taken his mind off the vicious ways in which he was planning to torture the rapist. "Hey, Celty, who do you think has the power to hurt Izaya in this city?"

Celty folded her arms in front of her chest and tilted her helmet, looking pensive for a moment before she started pacing the kitchen for a few minutes while trying to find an answer to Shinra's question. Finally, when it looked like she had reached a conclusion, she walked back to Shinra, typed something, and showed him her answer. [ There are not many people who would be able to hurt Izaya, but if I were to name those who could, they would be the following: Shizuo, Simon and perhaps the Awakusu-kai. ]

Shinra crossed Shizuo and Simon off the list, which left him with the Awakusu-kai, but he couldn't understand why they would do such a thing if they were indeed the ones responsible for what happened to Izaya. Then again, it was possible that Izaya had inquired their wrath by selling information to their enemies; the man was certainly capable of something like that. Sighing, Shinra raised the mug and pressed it to his lips with the intention of taking another sip, but his eyes narrowed in frustration when he realized that the coffee was gone. "I'll go check on Izaya."

[ I'm coming with you. ]

"I suggest you stay here, unless you want to see Izaya naked," he said and got up, feeling slightly amused by the way in which her posture stiffened almost instantly. If Celty had her head, Shinra was certain that she would've turned beet red at his words, but since she did not have one, all he could do was observe her body language and deduce from there.

With Celty out of the way, he turned around and went back to Izaya's room. It wasn't like he really wanted her out of the way, but the circumstances were of such nature that he preferred she stayed out of it. He approached the bed, checked his patient's vitals and then breathed out in relief, feeling confident in his assertion that Izaya would pull through. The Informant was still pale, but not nearly as pale as when Shinra had found him in the bathtub. That gave him one hell of a scare, and he was glad that he'd succeeded in saving his friend's life. Izaya was the first human Shinra found interesting enough to try to form a connection with, which is why he'd jumped in front of an incoming knife attack to protect Izaya back when they were both still in middle school. Truth be told, he saw all humans as objects for his studies, but there was something about Izaya which set him apart from the rest. There was also Shizuo, but the man defied all laws of nature, so Shinra couldn't exactly lump him in with the rest. Shizuo was the other person that Shinra somewhat saw as a friend, and even though the man's banter with Izaya was somewhat amusing at times, he would've preferred to not see them trying to kill each other every chance they got. His eyes drifted to Izaya lying motionless on the bed, and he cringed at the sight of all those bruises covering the frail body. The man liked to believe that he was indestructible, but Shinra knew better. It was in fact a miracle that Izaya was still alive after all the fights he'd gotten into over the years. He was about to go back to Celty when Izaya opened his eyes, the pained, yet at the same time intense hateful gaze directed his way completely startling him. He stood there, stock still, wondering if perhaps his patient would once again be delirious, but before he even had a chance to say a word, Izaya opened his mouth and spoke.

"I will crush you," he promised in a weak but determined voice.

_So he's still delirious_, thought Shinra, at the same time wondering how he could use that to his advantage, even thought he knew it was immoral. _Let's try this_. "Who am I?" he asked and immediately moved to immobilize Izaya when the man tried to get up again. "Shhh, calm down, it's me Shinra. I'm the only one here."

"I WILL DESTROY YOU!" Izaya vowed while still trying to get up, his voice louder than before. "L-Let go!" he added, much weaker this time.

Shinra felt his heart clench. He knew that Izaya had to be terrified to tremble as much as he did. "I can't give you any more painkillers or sedatives, please calm down," he tried, but it didn't look like Izaya was listening to him, the man's struggles only getting worse.

"Bastard! Monster! Stupid protozoan, **I hate you!**" Izaya screamed, his mind getting bombarded by images of the monster who had assaulted him.

Shinra froze in shock at the familiar nicknames, his heart suddenly accelerating to a painful speed. _No! It can't be... _Trembling, he released Izaya's arms and went to get something that'd knock the man unconscious because he had somewhere to go and he couldn't allow Celty to hear any of the things that Izaya was saying in his delirious state. He would have to make sure that she never found out about it if it turned out to be true, because he knew that if she did, she would suffer greatly. Sparing Izaya one last look, he walked out of the bedroom and headed towards Celty to let her know that he had something to do and to also to ask her to look after the Informant while he was away. He called a cab the moment he was out the door, and then rushed the driver to speed up to his lab. Once there, he ran inside, holding tightly onto the vial and hoping that it provided the answer to the question eating at him. _Was it really Shizuo,_he kept wondering, hoping for a definite _no_.

With trembling hands he pulled out the keys to unlock the door and rushed straight to the machine needed to compare the samples he had taken from Ikebukuro's beast over the years and the fluids he recovered from within Izaya's body, almost dropping the vial in the process, his body going cold at the thought of Shizuo doing something like that to Izaya, or anyone else for that matter. He paced around the lab for what felt like an eternity before he finally got the result, his eyes narrowing into murderous slits and his body starting to heat up because of the anger and hatred he felt coursing though his veins, the word _POSITIVE_ written on the computer screen almost making him want to punch the damn thing for showing him such an unwanted result. He staggered to the nearest chair and sat down, his knees feeling so weak that he feared they might buckle under him. He stayed like that for a few minutes, fists clenched so tightly that the nails were painfully digging into his skin, but he wasn't even feeling the pain, his mind filled with dark thoughts on how to punish Shizuo for what he had done. The moment he was confident that he could walk again, he rushed out the door and took a cab back to Shinjuku, his first priority being to check up on Izaya. Celty greeted him as soon as he got back, and he tensed, hating himself for keeping even more secrets from her, the only comfort he had being that it was for her own good. He turned his attention to Izaya and he sighed in relief, glad to see that nothing had happened while he was away.

Celty approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder, his haunted expression telling her that something was wrong. [ You were gone a long time. Where were you? ]

"I had to get something from the lab and I lost track of time. I'm sorry," he said as he covered Celty's hand with his own. _Not enough_, he told himself before he grabbed her wrist and pulled her into a hug, the coldness of her black shadowy smoke as he lowered his cheek on her shoulder somewhat lessening the rage he felt boiling inside of him. She tried to push him away, but he only held on tighter, desperate for her soothing presence. "Please let me stay like this for a while," he begged brokenly.

Celty stiffened in his embrace, his grief-stricken voice telling her that something was wrong. She tried to pry herself away from his hold once again, but when he refused to let go, she eventually gave up and raised her arms to return the hug.

"I really need this right now," he pleaded in a frustrated voice, hoping that Celty would understand.

She patted his back in a reassuring manner, wondering what could have upset the usually calm Kishitani Shinra.

"Thank you," he said after a while just as he loosened his hold on her before he moved to sit on the chair placed next to the bed. The sight of a beaten black and blue Izaya tore his heart to shreds, the usually lively Informant now fighting for his life. He couldn't understand how could Shizuo do such a thing, especially when he knew the man, or at least he thought he knew him, and he would've never thought him capable of such an atrocity. Shizuo had plenty of reasons to beat up Izaya, but to jump from a beating to rape was too much. It was wrong on too many levels, and the man's anger issues were no excuse for what he had done. Shinra's hands balled into fists and he grit his teeth harder, upset that he couldn't do more for Izaya. That night, he watched over him together with Celty, and when morning came, he got up and left the apartment, leaving a worried Celty behind.

By the time he reached Shizuo's apartment, he was one step away from strangling the man to death, but at the same time he was extremely nervous because he now understood that messing with Heiwajima Shizuo was a lot more dangerous than he had ever imagined. The blond would most likely not do to him the same thing he had done to Izaya, but that didn't mean that he couldn't kill him without batting an eyelash. He had a feeling that the bastard was probably enjoying his victory over his most hated enemy. He knocked on the door a few times, his hands trembling a lot more than he was expecting, and then tried the door bell when no one answered, hoping that Shizuo was home so that he could look him in the eyes and tell him what a monster he was. He waited for any sign of life, and after what felt like an eternity, the man finally opened the door.

"Shinra," he said, sounding really surprised, "what are you doing here?"

Shinra nearly bit his tongue in an attempt to keep quiet about Izaya, not wanting to alert Shizuo that something was wrong until he was inside the apartment. "I want to talk to you about something," he said, all the while struggling to not let the hatred he felt for the man seep into his voice. "Why do you look so surprised?" he continued, a little bit startled himself after seeing the look of guilt on the monster's face.

Shizuo awkwardly scratched the back of his head and moved out of the way to let him in. "I thought that Kasuka forgot something. We stayed up late last night, and when I woke up this morning, I found a note from him saying that he had to leave for work. I must've dozed off again after reading it. Anyway, what do you want to talk about?"

Shinra listened to Shizuo talk, the man's tired voice telling him that he must've gone to sleep really late the previous night. His eyes wandered to the empty alcohol bottles, and he had to admit that he was surprised to see alcohol anywhere near Shizuo, because the man didn't drink as far as he knew. Then again, he really could've just been celebrating his victory over Izaya. He felt his whole body tremble at the mere thought of anyone rejoicing after doing something like that to another person, and he barely succeeded in stopping himself from punching Shizuo in the face. He knew that a direct confrontation with such a dangerous monster was a bad idea, so instead he decided to play nice for the moment. "What's with the distillery? Did something happen?"

Shizuo stiffened, his face burning in shame for what he had done. He knew very well that the doctor cared about Izaya in his own messed up way, but he couldn't understand why he'd visit him, unless the flea had woken up and told him who had attacked him, but he somehow doubted that Izaya would ever admit to have been defeated by his most hated enemy. "I just needed a drink, bad day at work," he answered before he turned around to clean up a bit. "Say, you wouldn't happen to know how Izaya is doing..."

Shinra's eyes narrowed into slits, and he couldn't help but glare at the man. "Why do you ask?"

Shizuo turned to him and gave him a weak smile. "Kasuka told me that he found him hurt, and that he helped him get home. I was just... I was just wondering, you know?"

"I thought you'd be celebrating at the news instead of asking me how he's doing."

Shizuo laughed nervously and turned around again, his posture all rigid. "Yeah, you're right. It's just the flea, why should I care?"

_Because you raped him, you goddamn son of a bitch_, thought a seething Shinra as he pulled out a syringe from the right pocket of his lab coat and thrust it into Shizuo's neck before the man even had a chance to react, the monster falling to the ground like a sack of potatoes, Shinra's heavy boot immediately crushing his windpipe when the monster tried to get up. "This here is enough to knock out an elephant," Shinra informed him as he waved around the syringe before he threw it hard into a wall, "but not enough to knock you out."

"What is this abou―" Shizuo tried to ask, but the boot pushed harder into his throat.

"How could you?" hissed Shinra.

"H-how did you―"

Shinra scoffed, actually feeling insulted by the question. "It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out," he finally answered and pressed his boot harder into the neck that he could so easily snap.

"I lost it!" said Shizuo, even as the boot was crushing his windpipe. "I'm sorry," he said in a pleading voice, knowing that he had royally fucked up.

"It's not me you should be apologizing to," Shinra hissed and removed his foot from Shizuo's throat. The man couldn't attack him with the amount of etorphine shot into his bloodstream. Most people would've lost consciousness, but he knew that Shizuo wouldn't, because the man was a freak of nature and Shinra wanted to have a chat with him without risking his own life in the process. "I've always thought you were a good person, even though Izaya kept telling me otherwise, but now I know better," he hissed in a venomous tone and felt some sort of twisted satisfaction when Shizuo turned his head away as a sign of guilty admission. "How would you feel if you had to patch up your friend's after such an assault? I bet you wouldn't like that, would you, but that's what I had to do because of you." He shoved a hand into his left pocket and pulled out a small glass container. "I had this analyzed, and that's how I know for a fact that it was you," he said and then dropped it, the glass shattering the moment it hit the floor. "If you come anywhere near Izaya again, **I will kill you**."

"I'm sorry," was all that Shizuo could say as Shinra turned around and left the apartment. "I'm sorry," he said again, because Izaya was not the only person who ended up getting hurt because of him. _I'm so sorry, Shinra._

_._

_._

_._

_**A/N:**__ Would you prefer I post a chapter every two or every three days?_


	7. Bone-Chilling Reality

_**Chapter 7: Bone-Chilling Reality**_

_._

_._

_Rough hands grabbing his arm in a tight grip._

_Fingers in his hair pushing his head into the cold, wet concrete._

_The horrible sounds of pleasure resonating in his ears from above him._

_That _**_thing _**_thrusting into him so mercilessly._

_How long has it been?_

_One minute?_

_One hour?_

_**An eternity?**_

_Would it ever be over?_

_If only he could _**_get away_**_..._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_._

**"STOP!"** he shrilled in despair, eyelids as heavy as iron fluttering open as his frantic mind desperately sought an escape from the nightmare plaguing him, his psyche unable to cope any longer with the perpetual humiliating state of complete helplessness he felt at the hands of Ikebukuro's beast as he repeatedly relived his ordeal. It wasn't just his body that Shizuo was breaking, but also his mind, and when Izaya wholly opened his eyes, he was blinded by the light. Everything seemed too bright and too loud after so much darkness, or perhaps he only got that impression because of the ringing in his ears, but he couldn't be sure. He kept blinking a few times until the image started to clear, the white fading, and when he heard a voice, he felt his entire body go cold, the shape of someone coming closer freezing the blood in his veins.

_No! No more! _**_Not again! NOT AGAIN! _**he screamed inside his head, terrified. A sob escaped his sore throat and he was overcome with nausea, immediately raising a hand to cover his mouth as a result of the intense abhorrence he felt welling up inside of him, his quivering body giving away the fear he felt seeping through his veins.

Abruptly, that someone stopped, and Izaya kept his eyes glued to the shape, waiting for any indication that it'd move, but it didn't, and as the image slowly started to clear, he was able to finally identify the person who was trying to talk to him.

"Please Izaya, calm down, you're safe here."

"Shin― ra?" Izaya asked softly, as though he was afraid it was all an illusion.

"Yes, it's me, your best-est friend Shinra, aren't you so very happy to see me?" the doctor tried in a cheerful tone, hoping to lighten the heavy atmosphere. He knew that Izaya would most likely hate him for all of eternity if he dared to show him any pity. It broke his heart to see him so scared and beaten up, nothing about the person before him reminding him of the fearless Informant. Shinra couldn't remember ever seeing him looking so broken before, and he hated Shizuo even more for turning the strong Orihara Izaya into the pitiful creature before him who looked like it could get spooked by its own shadow. Unwillingly, his eyes drew back to the cigarette burn on Izaya's now black and blue neck, the bruises in the shape of fingers encompassing it making him regret not having crushed Shizuo's trachea when he had the chance.

Izaya's eyes widened when he saw how badly his hands were trembling, and he ground his teeth harder in frustration. Feeling completely ashamed, he bowed his head and tucked his hands beneath his arms, hoping the doctor hadn't noticed. He was finally safe. He chuckled darkly.

"Izaya?" asked a worried Shinra, his brows furrowed in confusion. "What are you―" he tried, but he never got to finish because Izaya broke into hysterical laughter, the man's left hand, which was now clenched in his hair, tugging at it, his dark red eyes wide and unfocused. "Iza―"

**"Leave!"** Izaya managed to say between breaths that sounded like sobs. **"OUT! GET OUT!"** he screamed, hoping that he would be left alone.

Shinra stood there stunned for a few moments before he snapped out of it and hurried out the door, unable to tell whether Izaya was laughing or crying. He waited outside, wincing at the sounds coming from the room and wondering if Izaya had somehow lost it. If he did, he couldn't really blame him. He could only imagine how hard it must've been for someone as proud as Izaya to lose in such a debasing manner to his most hated enemy. The sounds did stop a few minutes later, but by then Shinra was unsure whether to go back inside or to leave Izaya alone for a while. If that was him in there, and god, did it make him sick just to consider such a scenario, he'd most likely want to be left alone. Sighing, he gazed at the door one more time before he turned around and left.

Inside, Izaya was having troubles breathing again, his left hand still tightly clenched in his hair while he was staring at his broken and trembling right limb, his mind refusing to believe what it already knew.

_It wasn't real._

_It never happened._

**_That _**_would _**_never _**_happen to me._

And yet he knew that it had happened, no matter how much he refused to believe it, the awful pain between his legs serving as a reminder of the torture he'd been subjected to by the beast. He slowly lowered his right hand and warily placed it upon the blanket, unable to tear his eyes away from it because of how much it shook with dread. He kept staring at it for a while, until he finally found the courage to push the blanket away and he saw the bandages around his thigh. It wasn't as though the pain he was in didn't serve as proof that his ordeal had been real, but he needed that last visual confirmation to accept it.

He had been raped.

The great Orihara Izaya, who thought himself to be above humans, had been raped.

He could hardly believe it himself, and **he was the victim.**

**_VICTIM... _**such a foreign concept to him.

He had never been a victim before, at least not until Shizuo plucked him from his special place in his metaphorical sky, where he thought he belonged, and flung him down to the ground with the rest of humanity. _How could things ever go so wrong? Wasn't I just taking a stroll through Ikebukuro for no particular reason,_he bitterly wondered.

It wasn't that running into Shizuo was out of the ordinary, but he should have assumed that sooner or later the man would truly snap. Truth be told, he had always wanted to see him lose it completely, but never in his wildest dreams did he think the brute capable of such an atrocity. He now understood that he had played with fire and got burned in the process; it was as simple as that. Now the question was how to put out that fire.

As much as he hated to remember, the events of that night were still as clear and vivid as they had been back then, and he knew that if it hadn't been for Kasuka, he would've surely been dead. It was ironic that the brother of the man who ruined him turned out to be his savior. The issue now was that Kasuka knew the truth, and it infuriated Izaya to know that someone had seen him so weak. Kasuka aside, there was also Shinra. He knew that he shouldn't feel ashamed about something out of his control, but that still didn't make him feel any less mortified at the thought of his friend seeing and being forced to patch up every wound that Shizuo had inflicted on and inside his body.

He took a deep breath before he finally let go of his hair, his whole body feeling numb. He stared blankly at the wall with tired eyes, his shoulders sagged, drowning in self-pity until his injured body demanded he lay back down again. Feeling both physically and mentally exhausted, he allowed his mind to sink into the sluggishness, and he floated between consciousness and unconsciousness for a long time until Shinra approached him cautiously after coming back to check up on him.

"I'm going to give you something for the pain, but first I need you to tell me how badly it hurts on a scale from one to ten."

_More than you can imagine_, thought Izaya, but he wasn't about to tell him that. "Six." Shinra handed him a couple of pills and a glass of water and Izaya greedily gulped down the liquid, his dry throat and lips in desperate need of hydration. "Thanks," he said as he gave him the glass back, only to glare in contempt at his still trembling hand.

"Don't worry about it," Shinra spoke softly, as if reading his mind, "you lost a large quantity of blood, so it's only natural."

Izaya nodded, thankful to the doctor for trying to give an explanation for it. He simply dreaded to think that the trembling of his hands was the effect of his fear, and he refused to believe that he had been reduced to such a pathetic _human._ He tore his eyes away from his left hand and looked Shinra in the eyes, even though it felt like it was something much harder to do than before, especially when the man knew what had happened to him. "Hey Shinra," he said brokenly and then took a small pause, the awful pain scratching at his consciousness breaking his focus. "I'm sorry."

Shinra felt his heart clench, Izaya's broken voice and overall posture making him feel really sorry for the man. "It's not your fault, so don't beat yourself over it," he said, no longer capable of hiding his pity, his brittle smile most likely telling Izaya exactly how he felt about the whole situation.

Izaya swallowed the lump in his throat and shook his head. "No, listen, that's not it. What I meant to say is that I never wanted you to have to―"

"No, don't," Shinra cut him off, "I don't even want to hear you say it. I _wanted_ to save you."

"I really am sorry," Izaya repeated and allowed himself to drift into unconsciousness, the pills having made him really sleepy. "I want to go home," he whispered softly right before he fell asleep.

"No can do; it was hard enough to bring you here to begin with, so I won't allow you to leave until you're out of danger," Shinra told him as he pulled the blanket higher up Izaya's body.

He sighed for the umpteenth time and walked out of the room, hating himself for being unable to do more to ease Izaya's suffering. He couldn't even make the physical pain go away, and he was a doctor, so how could he ever hope to take away the man's mental anguish? It was impossible. Izaya would never forget, and Shinra was starting to worry that the Informant would further damage himself while trying to take revenge on Ikebukuro's beast. Oh, he knew that Shizuo absolutely deserved it, but he didn't want Izaya to break completely while trying to destroy the monster. Exhausted, he slumped on the kitchen chair and lowered his head on the table, wishing that none of it would've happened. Not only did one of his friends get broken, but the one who had broken him was none other than the other friend that Shinra had. It was an extremely fucked up situation, and Shinra hated seeing Izaya so human. It simply did not fit the image of the strong and confident man that Shinra had come to know.

.

.

_**A/N:**__ Many thanks to the people who took the time to comment. I'm glad you're liking the fic so far. I'll be updating it every two days, until I reach the point where I run out of chapters, and then the updates will most likely change to a chapter every two week. The reason why I am posting one every two days is because I'm going over the chapters and editing them, and there are a lot of chapters. ( 44 so far )._


	8. Snakes of Despair

**Chapter 8 – Snakes of Despair**

.

Izaya spent the next few days in bed, not even talking to Shinra unless the man asked him if he wanted more painkillers. What was worse than the pain was the constant feeling of nausea settled in his stomach. Coming to terms with what happened was really hard for Izaya, so a part of him was still in denial even though he knew it to be true. Whenever he tried to sleep, he would wake up in a sweat, his whole body shivering in pure terror as the events of that night kept plaguing his every waking moment and dreams alike. When he was awake, he at least knew that it was all in the past, while in his nightmares he was only met with despair each time his mind unwillingly conjured the monster that was Shizuo. The Shizuo of his nightmares always caused him unbearable pain, not unlike the real one, but at least the real one was someplace else, and Izaya knew that he was safe at Shinra's apartment.

Speaking of Shinra, he couldn't have been more grateful to the man for everything he'd done for him. Not only did Shinra save his life, but he also took care of him even though he had no obligation to do so. Celty sometimes hovered outside the door, but she didn't dare disturb him, and Izaya could only assume that it was curiosity on her part, her general dislike of him being no secret. Then again, he couldn't help but wonder if she would still feel the same way if she knew what her precious Shizuo had done. Probably not, but he had no intention of telling her anything. It was already bad enough that Shinra and the bastard's brother knew. Out of all the people who could've found him that night, it just had to be Shizuo's little brother, as though the forces of the universe were doing their best to screw him over, and not just literally. His depressing thoughts were however interrupted when Shinra entered the room with a plate of food in his hand.

"I brought you some fatty tuna," Shinra chirped and pushed the plate into Izaya's face. "Here, take a bite," he insisted, but Izaya simply turned away his head in disgust. "Why do you refuse to eat?" the doctor finally asked when he figured that Izaya had no intention whatsoever to eat the delicacy that Shinra had bought specially for him.

"I'm not hungry," Izaya answered in a disturbingly apathetic voice.

"You're going to get sick if you don't eat anything," Shinra said, brows furrowed in both anger and concern while waiting for his patient to say or do something. "Izaya? Are you even listening to me?" he finally asked when he realized that the man was either ignoring him or was too lost inside his mind to notice anything around him.

Izaya raised his head, tired bloodshot eyes staring at his doctor and friend. "What...? Oh, I'm sorry, my mind was someplace else. What were you saying?"

"I said that you're going to get sick if you keep refusing to eat!" Shinra snapped, tempted to pick a piece of fatty tuna and force if down his stubborn patient's throat.

Izaya gazed at Shinra for a while with a blank expression on his face. "I'll be fine," he finally answered and hoped that he'd be left alone.

"I can't fix stupidity you know," Shinra complained and sighed in exasperation. "What do you hope to accomplish by starving yourself to death?"

Izaya didn't answer the question and instead lowered his head back on the pillow, clearly dismissing Shinra from his presence.

"Fine, have it your way, but don't you dare come to me for help once you'll start feeling sick," Shinra threatened just before he slammed the door behind him a bit too hard.

[ What's wrong? ] Celty asked when she saw an annoyed Shinra stomping into the kitchen.

"That idiot doesn't want to eat! His body needs energy to recover, yet he refuses to get anywhere near food," he hissed through clenched teeth and nearly threw the plate of fatty tuna on the table.

[ Perhaps he's feeling sick and he can't eat. ]

"Well, yes, but he has no reason to feel sick. It's _**his**_ favorite food," Shinra muttered and sat at the table with his arms folded in front of his chest.

[ I'm no expert in the process of feeding, but from what I've observed, some humans tend to not eat when they are feeling depressed. ]

Shinra flinched at Celty's observation, and the realization that Izaya might not be able to eat because of what happened to him made him feel guilty for snapping at the man. "Thank you, my darling Celty, you opened my eyes to something that I failed to see before," he said and kissed her hand gently. Celty immediately pulled it back, and he knew that if she had a head on her shoulders, her cheeks would've been flushed in embarrassment. It was cute how such a creature could be so shy sometimes, and he loved everything about her, regardless of the fact that she was not human, or perhaps especially because of it. Now knowing what he had to do, he picked up a few things and went back to Izaya, determined to help the man regardless of his patient's opinions on the matter.

"What are you doing?" Izaya asked when Shinra grabbed him, brows furrowing in both anger and apprehension as he glared daggers at the man holding his wrist in a vice-like grip.

"Doing you a favor," answered the doctor who only held on tighter when Izaya tried to jerk his hand away.

"What the hell, Shinra?!" Izaya snarled when he saw the needle in the doctor's other hand.

"PPN."

"What does that mean?" Izaya asked through clenched teeth, still trying to pull away his hand.

Shinra raised his head and looked him in the eyes. "Peripheral parenteral nutrition."

"Intravenous feeding?!" Izaya asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Shinra answered with a nod before he proceeded with his task now that Izaya was no longer struggling.

"You're crazy," Izaya said and finally relaxed in Shinra's grasp. "You really are crazy."

"So it would seem... but that might only apply to the things I end up doing because of you," Shinra confessed as he forced a smile on his face.

"Well, you did throw yourself in front of a knife that was meant for me, so I guess it's safe to say that I'm special enough to make you do crazy things," Izaya mused, a somewhat smug look on his face. "What other crazy things would you do for_―_ OUCH! That hurts!" Izaya complained when the needle entered his vein none too gently. "What was that for?"

"Sorry, I just remembered something when you mentioned the crazy things I'd do for you," Shinra said and then stepped away from Izaya once he was done setting up the whole thing.

Izaya narrowed his eyes at the doctor. "What did you do?"

Shinra scratched his head in an awkward manner and then dragged a chair closer to Izaya's bed so that he could sit down and have an honest talk with him. "I kind of threatened Shizuo," he said, cringing, and lowered his head. "I know that he... I know, Izaya."

Izaya paled. _"You!_ You crazy idiot!"

"Sorry about that, but I couldn't help myself," Shinra said and then laughed nervously.

"How did you find out?" Izaya asked in a meek voice.

"I'm a doctor, it's what I do." Shinra said, and he immediately felt bad for even mentioning it when he noticed that Izaya was trembling. He cursed himself for his stupidity and got up to leave. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it."

"It's fine," Izaya said in a soft voice. "I might not show it very often, but I'm grateful to have you as a friend."

Shinra couldn't help but breathe in relief when he saw the small genuine smile on Izaya's face.

"What did... what did he say?" Izaya finally asked in a shaky voice.

Shinra smirked. "He didn't get a chance to talk that much, not with my boot crushing his windpipe and all that."

Izaya's eyes widened in disbelief. "You're insane..."

Shinra chuckled. "I won't deny that," he admitted before he left Izaya to rest, a small smile gracing his lips for finally getting his friend to have a conversation with him. _Perhaps Izaya might pull through after all, _he thought with no small amount of hope.

[ How did it go? ] Celty asked as soon as he sat down next to her on the living room couch.

"It went surprisingly well," Shinra told her with a grin on his face.

[ I'm glad to hear that. Orihara Izaya might be a bastard, but that doesn't mean that I want to see him suffer, or worse, die. ]

"That's because you have a gentle nature, Celty," he said softly and then he put a hand on her shoulder to reassure her when he felt her tense next to him.

[ What if I cease to be the Celty you know once I find my head? ]

"You don't have to find it. I love you just the way you are," he said and rested his head on top of her shoulder. "You don't need your head, you're already perfect."

[ But I still have to find it... ]

Shinra didn't say anything to that and instead gently picked up her hand and placed it in his palm. If only Celty would give up the search and accept him, he was sure that he could make her happy. After all, she was the only one in the world who he truly loved. "You don't have to, because you have me, and I would do anything for you. That's how much I love you," he told her and then wrapped an arm around her back. _I would even lie to you just to make sure that you'd stay here with me until the day I die. THAT is how much I love you._


	9. The Pieces Don't Fit

**Chapter 9: The Pieces Don't Fit**

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With each passing day, Izaya found himself wishing more and more to get away from Shinra. It wasn't that he was ungrateful, but enough was enough. Shinra was starting to treat him like he was made of glass, and even though the man was trying to act nonchalantly while in his presence, Izaya knew better.

"Please, you're not well enough yet, you can't go!" Shinra insisted, relentlessly hovering around his patient while Izaya put on some clothes he had previously grabbed from the doctor's closet.

"I can move now, which means that I'm well enough to get out of here," Izaya said in an annoyed tone and then shoved Shinra from his path when the man refused to move.

The doctor almost grabbed his arm to keep him there, but a glare from Izaya stopped him dead in his tracks. "You... you can't go," Shinra pleaded.

Izaya stopped and rubbed his temples, fighting to stay calm because he didn't want to say something he would end up regretting later. "I'm grateful for everything you've done for me, but believe me when I say that I can take care of myself from now on," he told the doctor before he turned around and headed straight for the door. He knew that Shinra wanted to say more, but the man had kept his mouth shut, and Izaya was grateful for that because he was not in the mood to argue.

He would've ran had he been able to, but as things were, all he could do was gingerly walk and hope that he wouldn't attract too much attention. The world seemed foreign once he got outside the flat, and for a terrifying second, the idea that Shizuo could be somewhere nearby almost made him want to run back to Shinra's apartment. The fear was followed by shame, and Izaya cursed under his breath before he forced his injured body to move forward. He grit his teeth when the pain made him break into a sweat, and he tried not to think of the many injuries littering his body because of a certain Heiwajima Shizuo. It wasn't his behind alone that hurt, and god, did it crush his pride to smithereens just to think about why exactly it hurt, but there was also his stabbed leg and broken rib. It ached to breath, let alone move, but the desire to go home was stronger than any torment his body was in.

He checked his pocket for the money he'd snatched from Shinra's coat just before he left and he was glad to see that he had enough for a taxi. He sighed loudly, but he immediately regretted the action when the stabbing pain in his chest almost left him breathless. "Great, just great," he mumbled to himself. It'd take weeks or even months to heal all the injuries, which meant that he'd have to deal with the pain for a very long time. The pain wasn't what bothered him the most ― he'd been hurt before, even though it was never as bad ― but the memories of how he got the injuries was what kept him awake at night. He shook his head in order to chase away the disturbing thoughts and then dragged his weak body towards the street where he knew he could easily find a taxi.

He didn't even get a chance to take too many steps before he ended up rooted on the spot when he thought he saw blond hair out of the corner of his left eye. His broken right hand immediately went to his pocket, and he almost panicked when he realized that he didn't have the switchblade with him. It wouldn't have made much of a difference when he couldn't use his broken right hand, but he suddenly felt more naked than he ever remembered feeling in his entire life. He reluctantly rotated his head in that direction, and then he sighed in relief when he realized he'd been wrong. It was then when it crossed Izaya's mind that he was way too jumpy, and maybe, just maybe, really freakin' scared, but he would never admit that to anyone, not even to himself.

He took another deep, slow breath and then continued to walk until he found a cab to take him to Shinjuku. Whenever the road turned bumpy, Izaya had to bite into his lower lip to keep himself from making any pained noises, and he was starting to think that perhaps Shinra had been right. He knew that he wasn't well enough to leave, but that still hadn't stopped him from leaving, because in order for him to be the Orihara Izaya from before, he had to go home and act like nothing happened. So what if he'd been raped? _People get raped every day and they still continue living, _he told himself as a way of encouragement. If his beloved humans could do it, then so could he, especially when he ― in his not-so-humble opinion ― was above them. It would take some effort to climb back to the high place from where he'd been forcefully plucked, but he was Orihara Izaya, and that was enough to make it happen.

When the car finally stopped in front of his apartment building, he got out and slowly made his way towards the elevator. He pressed the button to his floor with a shaky hand, and he had to grab onto something to not collapse from exhaustion. He chuckled bitterly at how weak he was, and then breathed in relief when the elevator stopped. Black spots were starting to cloud his vision, and he knew that if he didn't hurry he would end up collapsing before he would manage to get inside his apartment. Summoning the last bit of strength he had left, he limped along the wall until he was in front of the door, which unfortunately took longer to open than he had expected, and once he went inside he only managed to take two steps before he ended up collapsing on the floor. He moaned in anguish when his broken rib shifted inside his chest at the contact with the hard floor, and all he could do was lie there broken and hurting while waiting for unconsciousness to claim him. Unconsciousness was taking its time though, and Izaya couldn't stand the idea of being sprawled on the cold floor again, _just like that time in the alley_. It felt like an eternity had passed before everything turned black, and he almost welcomed the darkness because that was always better than remembering.

He woke up a few hours later to the sound of someone's voice, and he groaned in pain as he slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times to clear his vision. "Namie?" he asked softly, wanting to make sure it was really her, because he was still on his stomach and he didn't have enough energy to get up by himself.

"Yeah, who else? Will you get up already?" she snorted while tapping a foot on the floor next to Izaya's unmoving form. "It's irritating to see you lying there like that," she added before she went to drop a few files on her desk. "I have some things to take care of, so I can't stay today."

"Then go," Izaya said in a clearly annoyed tone while struggling to push his head off the floor. "Some help would be nice," he told her when the woman approached him.

She let out an exasperated sigh and grabbed him by the arm to pull him up. "You don't pay me enough for this," she complained and then released him as soon as Izaya was standing.

"Maybe I'm paying you too much," he mumbled and limped to the couch where he sat down.

Namie snorted at the remark.

"Aren't you glad to have me back?" he asked, smirking.

Namie rolled her eyes. "Ecstatic. Bye," she said before she slammed the door behind her, the loud noise making Izaya wince.

Other people might've been put off by her behavior, but it helped Izaya to know that she was treating him the same way she always did. His eyes darted around the apartment, and he was relieved to see that someone had cleaned up the blood trail leading to the bathroom. He hoped the bathroom was also clean, because he wasn't sure that he could walk in there and see all that blood without feeling sick. If he had to take a guess as to who was responsible for cleaning it up, he'd bet his money on Celty. Namie would never bother, and Shinra was probably too busy taking care of him to worry about some blood on the floor.

He closed his eyes and stayed like that on the couch for a while, until he gathered enough energy to get up and go change into something more comfortable. He was anxious to get online to see if his people had noticed his absence. He had a feeling that some rumors about him being dead were already going around. He wasn't stupid though, he knew that Shinra had barely managed to save his life, but even that wouldn't have been possible if Kasuka hadn't found him that night, the irony of the beast's brother saving his life being somewhat amusing in a sick and twisted way. He chuckled as he made his way to the laptop, but before he got to his desk he did a one hundred and eighty degrees turn and went back to his room to grab a pillow so that his abused behind wouldn't hurt as much when he sat down in his office chair. Not that the chair wasn't comfortable, but his behind hurt _that much._The cab ride had been hellish enough, and he didn't want to go through something like that again anytime soon. After setting the pillow in place, he gingerly sat down and opened the laptop, realizing how much he'd missed getting online. The first thing he did was to go through his emails, but he ended up closing the window when he couldn't find anything interesting. With nothing else to do, he decided to check on the Dollars chat room.

―――Kanra has entered the chat room.―――

Tanaka Tarō: 【Do you really believe that?】

Kanra: 《What are you talking about?》

Tanaka Tarō: 【Good afternoon Kanra-san.】

Kanra: 《Good afternoon!》

Bakyura: 「There's a rumor going around about Orihara Izaya.」

Kanra: 《Oh?》

Tanaka Tarō: 【Some people are saying that he got killed by Heiwajima Shizuo.】

Bakyura: 「I highly doubt that.」

Setton: [I agree. I'm sure he's fine.]

Kanra: 《Why is everyone suspecting Heiwajima Shizuo?》

Bakyura: 「He's been unusually quiet lately.」

Kanra: 《Quiet in what way?》

Setton: [Nothing got destroyed in the past week or so.]

Bakyura: 「This discussion is pointless and I have to go anyway. Bye.」

Kanra: 《Bye.》

Setton: [Bye.]

―――Bakyura has left the chat room.―――

Tanaka Tarō : 【If he really is dead, his corpse will show up eventually.】

Kanra: 《Scaaaary~》

Setton: [He's not dead!]

Indoor Scholar: 『Of course he isn't. Stop talking nonsense, people.』

Kanra: 《I also have to go. I'll talk to you guys later. Byeee~》

―――Kanra has left the chat room.―――

Izaya stared blankly at the screen for a few moments before he closed the lid and got up, his enthusiasm about getting online flying out the window.

_So the beast is acting strange..._

Something occurred to him, and he started laughing hysterically, occasionally stopping to gasp for air whenever the pain in his chest got too bad.

"Ah, Shizu-chan, **you'd better not be regretting what you did to me!** You're only a mindless beast after all," he said out loud as he walked over to the chessboard. "I can't rush this, I must find the perfect strategy to destroy you, because you're **special.**" His hand hovered over the pieces and he tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I can't decide which piece you are, beast..."

He pulled back his broken hand and stood there motionless for a few minutes. "You can't be a knight, you're not honorable enough, nor are you a king, because you don't hide behind others." There was silence again for a while, until a terrifying smirk appeared on his face and he chuckled darkly as he raised his eyes from the board and gazed into the distance.

"You're none of those pieces, Shizu-chan, neither of us is! And because you dared to break my body, I will break your spirit in return! It will be glorious!" he said and raised both arms in the air. "I will make you cry, beast!"

After a few moments of musing, he lowered his arms and went to sit back in the chair at his desk. "Even beasts can be broken, and **I will break you!**"


	10. Without Wings

**Chapter 10: Without Wings**

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It worried Izaya that sometimes he found himself missing the thrill of a chase, and the fact that there was any part of him missing anything related to the beast, made him feel extremely disturbed. After some heavy thinking, he reasoned that it was because he couldn't stand how his body didn't allow him to do much besides slowly moving around his apartment, and for someone as active as he used to be, it was pure torture. To make things worse, he couldn't come up with the perfect way to take revenge on Shizuo. Oh, he thought of a few ways to make him suffer, but none of them seemed good enough. _Not poetic enough_. He was in no hurry though. It was best to leave Shizuo alone for a while, to make him believe that maybe, just maybe, he would be safe from his wrath, and then, when he'd least expect it, to destroy him in the blink of an eye. After all, _revenge is a meal best served cold_, he kept telling himself. Unfortunately, it didn't make him feel any better.

"Stop it!" Namie snapped, startling Izaya badly enough to almost make him jump out of his seat.

"WHAT?" he snapped back at her.

"You're sighing non-stop, it's distracting," she said, this time in a flat tone.

"I've been stuck in this apartment for the past three weeks, so excuse me for being bored out of my mind!"

Namie stared blankly at him for a while before she spoke in a cold voice. "My heart bleeds for you."

Izaya stared back at her. "An iceberg is warmer than you."

"Whatever, I'm done anyway," she muttered as she got up. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Do I have to?" he whined.

"Unfortunately for me, yes." She picked up her purse from the desk and started walking towards the door. She hesitated however when she pressed the handle, and instead of leaving, she turned around with a frown on her face. "Do you want me to bring you some fatty tuna tomorrow?" she asked, her voice uncertain.

Izaya blinked, a puzzled expression on his face. "Why do you ask?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Eh?"

Namie let out an exasperated sigh. "I've seen mummies looking better than you."

Izaya's cheeks flushed in embarrassment. "Namie-san is being really really mean today," he muttered, pouting.

"Just answer with either yes or no!"

"No, but it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside to know that you care!"

"As if! I just don't want to be bothered having to look for another job if you end up croaking."

"You speak such sweet words!"

Izaya chuckled when Namie opened the door and left the apartment without saying another word, but that didn't last long because he was once again alone, which meant that he could stop pretending. He pushed the laptop away and placed his head on the desk, feeling completely exhausted. As he sat there, it crossed his mind that it used to be much easier for him to pretend before the whole Shizuo _**thing.**_ Just having to act like nothing was wrong in front of Namie was tiresome enough, and he didn't want to imagine how much harder it would be to do it out there too. His people knew him to be strong and confident, someone who could take on Ikubukuro's beast with a smile and laugh in the face of danger; or at least that's what he hoped they were still thinking. The rumors about him being dead were spreading like wildfire, and even though Izaya hated letting the rumors get out of hand, it was better than going out there on the streets in such a weakened state. As much as he loved his humans, he knew they were merciless and cruel creatures. _The weaker you are, the more they want to destroy you._

Orihara Izaya could not afford the luxury of appearing weak.

He figured that it wasn't the actual chases around Ikebukuro that he was missing. No, what he was truly missing were the days when walking was easy, when he could eat food and enjoy it, but most of all he was missing a good night's sleep. When he was awake, he could somehow handle the memories, but during sleep, he kept drowning in endless nightmares. It was frustrating how a part of him, a part he refused to even acknowledge, was still so terrified of the beast. He was so tired that he barely had the energy to get up. He groaned and raised his head off the desk, his mind set on heading to bed even though it was early. A month had passed since it happened, and he was still having nightmares about it. It got to the point where he could only take a break from it all after passing out from exhaustion. Unfortunately, right at that moment he wasn't tired enough, but the bed was much more comfortable than the office chair. He slowly got to his feet and started dragging his tired body towards the stairs, only to stop in his tracks when he heard someone at the door.

It was unsettling, and the ominous sound of the doorbell made him feel uneasy. He didn't even care who it was, he wanted that person to leave, but he, or she, kept ringing and knocking until Izaya had no choice but to approach the door to see who it was.

"Open up, Orihara-san!" Izaya heard through the door when he was one step away from it. He cringed when he recognized the voice, and opening the door was the last thing he wanted to do, so he stood frozen on the spot for a few seconds, debating whether or not it was worth the risk of not letting the man in. He cringed harder when the man knocked again, and Izaya had to force himself to grab the handle and unlock the door.

"I knew the rumors were not true," Shiki stated calmly as though he was expecting to see the man alive and well.

Unable to hide his surprise at seeing not only Shiki, but Akabayashi and Aozaki too, Izaya's eyes widened in both fear and apprehesion, and he could only hope that his racing heart would stop hammering so loudly inside his chest. Until that time, he had no choice but to try to put on a mask of indifference. "Of course, Shiki-san," he said and moved out of the way to let the three men inside.

"I've actually seen people betting on whether you'd turn up dead or alive," Shiki informed him, and Aozaki snorted at the remark. "Don't mind him; he's upset that he lost the bet."

Izaya chuckled and moved further into the apartment. "Please sit down," he said while motioning for the three Awakusu-Kai executives to sit on the couch. "What is the majority betting on?"

"That you got killed by Heiwajima Shizuo," Akabayashi answered while looking around the apartment.

"I almost feel offended," Izaya gasped playfully. "Do people have such a low opinion of me?"

"Yeah," Aozaki frowned. "is that a problem?"

"Not at all," Izaya answered with a smile on his face, even though on the inside he wanted nothing more than to crack open the man's skull. "Anyway, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" He heard Akabayashi snicker at his words, but the man seemed more interested in checking out the apartment than to hear him speak. Izaya didn't know why, but Akabayashi's cane always unsettled him, especially when he tended to drag it across the floor. For some reason, he couldn't tear his eyes away from it.

"I'll go straight to the subject," Shiki said, sounding serious. "We know for a fact there are a few spies within the Awakusu-kai, and we need you to find them."

Izaya's eyes settled on Shiki's face before he let out a dramatic sigh. "Although I may not be dead, I am still injured, and as such, I will refrain from taking on any jobs at the moment." He heard Akabayashi chuckle again, and Izaya turned towards the man with a somewhat annoyed expression on his face just in time to see the Awakusu-Kai executive getting dangerously close to his laptop. "Akabayashi-san!" Izaya called out in a sickly sweet voice, "could you please not touch my laptop? Thanks."

Akabayashi shrugged. "I was just looking, s'all."

"Look someplace else?" Izaya suggested, his voice hiding his annoyance quite well. He heard the man mutter something under his breath, but to his relief, Akabayashi moved away from the desk. With that out of the way, Izaya's attention went back to Shiki.

The corners of Shiki's mouth moved upwards in a disturbing smirk, and Izaya almost recoiled at the look he was getting. "Orihara-san, I wasn't asking, I was ordering you."

"As if **you** could ever order me around," Izaya scoffed without thinking, already regretting it when he felt Aozaki's intimidating presence loom dangerously close behind him. Izaya might've been able to escape these three before, but there was no way he could do it when he barely had the energy to stand up. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he almost jumped out of his skin at the contact, disgust racing through his body. After what happened with Shizuo, he could barely stand Shinra touching him, and now Aozaki's rough and cold hand was on his shoulder ― the man's pinky touching the curve of his neck ― and it made Izaya's skin crawl so badly that he ended up shuddering despite himself. He slowly raised his eyes to look at the man's face, and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that Aozaki could see the weakness in him.

"Are you cold, **Izaya-kun?"** asked the Blue Demon of the Awakusu-Kai with a mocking smile on his face.

"I'm fine," Izaya hissed through gritted teeth as he tried to pry away his shoulder, only to fail in doing so when Aozaki tightened his grip so much that it hurt. "**LET GO!**" he demanded, and the man had no choice but to release him when Shiki's voice cut through the tension.

"Aozaki, we're not here to fight."

"Tch!" was the only thing the man said before he pulled back his hand and moved somewhere to Izaya's right.

"It's a special request from Dougen-sama," continued Shiki, "I suggest you accept it."

Unfortunately, Izaya couldn't accept it. He was too busy trying to come up with the perfect punishment for Shizuo, and he didn't have time to waste on some pathetic hoodlums. Besides, finding spies was never easy; it could take weeks, even months. "Not interested," he told them. What was the worst thing they could do, beat him to a bloody pulp? Nothing could be worse than what Shizuo had done to him, so a beating from the three executives would most likely feel like a walk in the park.

"Orihara-san," he heard Shiki growl, and he nearly started laughing at seeing the great Awakusu-Kai executive losing his cool demeanor, "don't make me ask again."

"Like I said, I'm not interested," Izaya shrugged and waved a dismissive hand. "I couldn't care less what that old man wants from me. I have no obligation to help him."

"You tried using his niece for your little schemes, and now you have the obligation to redeem yourself somehow."

"It was only a harmless game."

"She could've gotten hurt." Shiki then got up. "This is the last time I'm asking you. Find the spies within the Awakusu-kai!"

"No," Izaya snorted in a smug tone. "I couldn't care less about the old man's request. Besides, shouldn't he stop playing around and retire already? People his age should stay at home and spend time with their granddaughters instead of running an underground operation."

"How dare you?" Shiki hissed.

Izaya chuckled at their audacity. As though they could ever order him around like he was some sort of underling! No, it simply did not work that way. "Get out of my house," he said, smirking, "and tell Awakusu Dougen that I'm not one of his lap dogs to jump every time he issues a command. Although I might consider taking on the job in a few months, if I'll have enough free time, and if he pays me well enough to make up for the horrible attitude you lot displayed today." He didn't even see Aozaki move, focused as he was on Shiki, and before he even had a chance to react, the man's fist collided with his rib cage so hard that he was sent flying across the room. He heard one or more ribs break with a sickening crunch, and he gasped desperately for some much needed air. He only blinked once, and when he opened his eyes again, Aozaki was in his face.

"No one, **NO ONE** insults Dougen-sama in my presence and gets away with it," Aozaki growled just before he grabbed Izaya by the front of his shirt to pull him up.

"Let. Go. **NOW!**" Izaya demanded the moment he was able to speak again.

"You gotta give it to him Aozaki, the man has guts," Akabayashi marveled while playing with one of the pieces from the chess board.

"Enough!" Shiki's voice thundered before he approached both Izaya and Aozaki. He pulled out a piece of paper and shoved it into Izaya's pocket. "That's Slon's number, he'll help you out with this one."

"I'm not inte―"

"I said enough!" Shiki snapped. "Aozaki, Akabayashi, let's go."

Aozaki seemed reluctant to let go, but he eventually did so, causing Izaya to collapse on the floor in a heap.

"Tch! This bastard should be taught a lesson," Aozaki hissed as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants.

Akabayashi grinned and spun his cane around as he too slowly walked out of the apartment behind Aozaki. "Perhaps, but not today."

Izaya raised his head and glared at Shiki while the man kept staring down at him.

"We'll see you around," Shiki promised, finally, and left as well.

.

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_**A/N:**__ Comments are welcome. :)_


	11. Closer To The Edge

_**A/N:**__ It's weekend, so I thought it'd be nice to post a new chapter. :)_

.

**Chapter 11: Closer To The Edge**

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Izaya moaned in anguish, but he struggled to get up anyway. "Ahh!" he cried out loud, the vicious pain in his chest making him double over in agony. He slowly walked to the desk, dangerously swaying with each step he took until he reached it and grabbed the phone to call Shinra. His hand tightened around it when the man didn't answer, but he tried to stay calm even though the pain was so bad that it almost brought tears to his eyes. He was starting to worry that one of the broken ribs might've grazed a lung, especially when he could feel a stabbing pain each time he took a breath. He lowered the phone and typed a message to Celty.

_《_ _I need you to come pick me up.__》_

_[ Sorry, I can't, I'm busy at the moment. ]_

That was her answer, and for a moment, it surprised Izaya that he felt bitterness after reading it. He called a taxi instead, picked up his phone, keys and jacket, and then walked out of the apartment. He was in terrible pain, yet he felt like laughing because he ended up facing three strong men who could've hurt him a lot more had they wanted, and he's succeeded in keeping his defiance until the end. It was good, he was good, Shizuo hadn't really broken him as badly as he feared.

He swayed out of the elevator and slowly made his way outside where a taxi was already waiting for him. Luckily, the taxi driver was quite the observant person, so the man immediately got out and helped his passenger inside the car.

"Thank you," Izaya said as soon as he found a good position which allowed him to somewhat breathe.

"No problem. Where to now?"

"Ikebukuro."

The driver started the car, carefully listening to the address Izaya gave him while the Informant struggled to speak without crying out in pain. He was a man in his fifties, and Izaya was surprised to see there were still some nice people in the city who would help a complete stranger. There was, of course, the possibility that the man might've done it in the hope of getting some extra cash, but Izaya was grateful nonetheless. Humans truly were fascinating creatures. Once they arrived at Shinra's place, he paid the man a little extra for helping him out, got out of the car and went up to the apartment.

"Izaya!" Shinra gasped when he saw who was at his door.

"Why didn't you answer your phone?!" Izaya snapped and then gasped when fresh pain spread throughout his chest area like wildfire.

Shinra grabbed him by the arm and helped him inside. "I was taking a shower! What happened?"

"I respectfully refused to take on a job," Izaya told him, chuckling, only to regret it when he almost collapsed in agony.

"It's not funny! Don't talk, don't laugh, don't even breathe!" Shinra ordered, worry seeping into his voice when he figured that whatever was wrong with Izaya had something to do with the man's ribs. He half-dragged the seriously injured man to the couch where he took the coat and t-shirt off before he proceeded to inspect the damage. "Stand still!"

"I'm trying, it hurts a lot, especially when you keep pressing on them," Izaya hissed.

Shinra gave him an annoyed glare. "How else am I to assess the damage?"

"I don't know!" Izaya screeched when a particular poke to his ribs made him want to punch the doctor in the face for causing him more pain.

Shinra grabbed him by the shoulder to keep him there, the man's squirming making his job a lot harder than it had to be. "Did you get hurt anywhere else?"

"No, only my chest ran into a fist," Izaya said, chuckling.

"You mean a fist ran into your chest," Shinra corrected him while rolling his eyes.

"Or that," Izaya said, grinning.

Shinra sighed. "You make such terrible jokes sometimes..."

"Tch!"

"Well, anyway, I have some good news and some bad news. Which ones do you want to hear first?"

"Give me the bad ones," Izaya chirped, "it's better to get that over with."

Shinra sighed tiredly. He hated giving his friend bad news. "The rib that was broken before and that was starting to heal is broken again."

"What are the good news?" Izaya asked through gritted teeth.

Shinra laughed sheepishly. "It's just that one rib?"

Izaya shot him a nasty glare. "Are you sure that only one rib is broken?"

"Yeah."

"One hundred percent sure? It hurts a lot worse than it did last time."

"Yes I am sure. Trust me, unlike you, I am a doctor."

Izaya rolled his eyes at the bad joke but didn't say anything else.

"Now, moving on to the next issue, can you tell me why you look like a skeleton? You promised that you would start eating if I left you alone, but look at you now! What happened?! Tell me!" Shinra demanded, his voice almost resembling a growl; that's how pissed he was about the whole thing.

Izaya winced at the loudness of the doctor's tone, and then sighed, knowing that Shinra wouldn't leave him be unless he answered. Still, it was worth a try. "Can we talk about this later? I'm suffering here, remember? Pain?"

Shinra took out something from his pocket and dangled it in front of Izaya's face. "Answer my question and you get painkillers as a reward."

"Bastard," Izaya hissed at the sadistic doctor in front of him.

Shinra gave him a blank look. "In no way bigger than you, of that I am certain."

"I don't really want to talk about it," Izaya admitted so softly that Shinra had to strain his ears to hear him.

After a few moments of silence, Shinra grabbed his friend's head and forced him to look into his eyes. "Tell me."

"Plea―"

"Izaya!" Shinra growled.

"Don't make me say it..."

"Just tell me already, please!"

"Okay, fine! Fine! It's just that it... it already hurts a lot, so it'd hurt so much more when... when the food has to come out, you know?" Izaya nearly whispered while wearing a pained expression on his face.

"Oh," Shinra exclaimed, his face set into a grimace. "Okay, but I am certain that I mentioned some things that could've helped, like brown rice, oats, beans, and a few others."

Izaya tried to look away, his face as red as a tomato, but Shinra didn't allow it.

"How about those ointments? Have you been using them?"

"YES! Can we stop talking about my behind please?" Izaya nearly screeched.

"All right, fine, so what have you been eating?"

"Energy drinks, coffee, vegetables and fruit juice?" Izaya spoke softly, trying really hard not to look into the other man's eyes.

Izaya felt the hands on either side of his face tighten, and he wondered just how badly he had pissed Shinra off. He found it ridiculous how the doctor could scare him more than the Yakuza with guns ever could, but that was one of the reasons the man was interesting enough to have been noticed by him in the first place.

After a long pause, Shinra took a deep breath before he let go of Izaya's head and finally spoke. "Ok, I won't lecture you, it's too late for that now, but you will start eating; doctor's orders."

Izaya knew he was sulking, but he didn't care anymore; he just wanted Shinra to stop talking about embarrassing stuff that made him want to disappear into the floor.

"Here," said the man as he handed him some painkillers and a glass of water. "I was on my way to buy something to eat when you showed up, so just sit here quietly for a while until I come back, and then Celty and I will cook something and we'll eat dinner together."

"You want to poison me?! I'd rather starve to death than eat what Cel―"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence!" Shinra hissed.

"Fine, I'll wait," Izaya mumbled and grabbed the remote control to watch some TV while Shinra went to buy food.

.

.

**―****Thirty-seven minutes earlier, somewhere in Ikebukuro―**

.

_《_ _I need you to come pick me up.__》_

_[ Sorry, I can't, I'm busy at the moment. ]_

"Who was that?" Shizuo asked when he saw Celty replying to a message.

[ No one important. ]

"If you gotta go, then go," he said with a shrug before he started walking away.

[ You don't look so good, so I'm not going anywhere. Not until you tell me what's wrong. ]

"I already told you. Nothing is wrong."

[ Please tell me. ]

"Some asshole grazed my arm with a knife. Maybe it got infected, I don't know," Shizuo mumbled as he gave Celty another shrug.

[ That's serious! Come with me and let Shinra have a look at it! ]

Shizuo knew she was worried when some of the black smoke started seeping from underneath her helmet. "You're doing it again," Shizuo informed her.

[ ? ]

"The smoke... people might see if you don't stop."

She seemed flustered for a second, but once the smoke retracted she went back to nagging him about having Shinra take a look at the wound. No matter what Celty said, it was pointless. The man had made it quite clear how much he despised him, and Shizuo couldn't really blame him. He had known for years that the doctor was friends with Izaya, and even though it never really bothered him before ― he wasn't that petty ― he now knew that he had been the one to force Shinra to choose between the two of them. The words Shinra left him with that day still chilled him to the core, and he could only imagine what it must've been like for the doctor to have to treat Izaya's wounds, the wounds that Shizuo himself had inflicted with so much twisted satisfaction. At least it didn't look Shinra had told Celty anything, and for that he was grateful. He couldn't imagine what life would be like for him if Celty abandoned him as well.

[ Please come with me! ]

He sighed but didn't say anything and instead kept on walking.

[ Did something happen between you and Shinra? ]

Shizuo stopped. "What makes you think that?"

[ You haven't talked to or about each other in over a month. ]

_She's way too observant_, Shizuo thought begrudgingly. "I've been busy, s'all," he said and continued walking.

[ I don't believe you! ]

Shizuo grit his teeth in frustration, hoping that she would leave before he ended up accidentally revealing something he didn't want her to know. If there was someone he did not want to find out about what he'd done, that someone was Celty.

[ SHIZUO! ]

"Look, we had a fall out, all right?" he snapped at her.

[ What happened? ]

Shizuo's eyes fell on the PDA and he ended up cringing when he read the question. "Can you please drop the subject?"

[ Not until you either come with me or tell me what happened. ]

"I'll go to a hospital later," he tried to assure her, but she was having none of that.

[ Not acceptable. Come with me. ]

Shizuo cursed under his breath, finally figuring out that Celty would never let it go if he didn't follow her to Shinra's apartment. Shinra hadn't told her anything, which meant that he also didn't want her to know, so he'd most likely play along if it was for Celty's sake. He sighed loudly. "Fine, let's go," he mumbled, and they both got on the bike, Shizuo spending the entire way there dreading meeting Shinra again.

[ Here, take the key and go upstairs. I'm going to pick up Shinra. ]

"What? He's not home?"

[ He just sent me a message saying that he went to buy food. Just go. ]

"Are you sure?" he asked, glaring at the key as though it would burn him if he were to so much as come in contact with it.

[ I'm sure, ] she said and dropped the key into his palm.

Shizuo watched her leave before he reluctantly walked inside the apartment building. The mere prospect of seeing Shinra's face again almost made him want to turn tail, but he knew that once Celty set her mind on something, there was no going back, which meant that in order for her to not find out about what he'd done to Izaya, he had to face Shinra.

He didn't even realize when he'd gotten to the door, his mind bombarding him with horrible scenarios about how Shinra would react when he saw him, so he shook his head to chase them away and inserted the key into the lock before pushing the door open and walking inside.

For a moment he thought he got the wrong apartment when he saw someone sitting on the couch, that person's back turned to the hallway and facing the sliding door between the living-room and the hallway. He almost took a step back in order to get out of there, but then he remembered that the key had opened the door, which meant that he was not in the wrong place after all.

"It was about time," said the man, and Shizuo dropped the key when he recognized the voice.


	12. Insanity's Crescendo

**Chapter 12: Insanity's Crescendo**

.

"Can I get some better painkillers? The stuff you gave me is useless," Izaya continued, not yet realizing that Shinra was not the one inside the apartment with him.

Shizuo had never before found himself to be at such a loss for words. What could he say? _It's me, Shizuo; oh, and by the way, I'm sorry I raped you?_ Even if he were to apologize, to Izaya those would be nothing more than empty words.

"Shinra, are you liste―?" Izaya snapped and turned his head to glare at the man, only to lose his voice when he saw who was standing there in the living room with him.

Their eyes met, and Shizuo could see Izaya's previous annoyed expression morph into one of pure terror, the same expression that Shizuo was so used to seeing on other people's faces but not on his enemy's. Before he could say a word, Izaya sprang to his feet and jumped away to the opposite side of the room. His eyes seemed to frantically search for something, and when it looked like he couldn't find what he was looking for, Shizuo saw him swing the hand he remembered breaking, which was now in a cast, straight towards the glass sliding door leading to the balcony, the loud sound as the glass hit the floor making him wince.

He watched Izaya crouch down to grab a piece of glass, those almost red eyes never leaving him even after the Informant got up and assumed a defensive position. It felt unnatural to see Izaya with that thing in his left hand instead of the usual switchblade in his right, and the sight of the blood running down the skinny forearm from holding onto it too tightly made him cringe. "Can we talk?" he tried, and he didn't miss Izaya's flinch when the man heard his voice. Izaya was in no shape to fight him, the nasty bruise starting to form on the pale chest clearly indicating that he was hurt. That wasn't all though; Izaya's strength had always been his agility, which meant that he needed a lean body to do all the parkour, but he wasn't lean anymore, the once healthy-looking man being replaced by this malnourished thing with hollow cheeks and haunted eyes.

"Izaya, we need to―" he started, but in the next moment Izaya was upon him like a wild beast, his usual coordinated attacks nowhere to be seen. This was a cornered animal with nothing to lose, and Shizuo knew that if he didn't do something, and soon, Izaya would either hurt himself or he would end up unintentionally hurting him. He dodged the first attack and then tried to grab Izaya, but the cornered beast was unpredictable, making Shizuo's task of apprehending him with minimum damage really hard to accomplish. The fact that Izaya was so proficient at handling weapons with his left hand took Shizuo by surprise, and he barely had time to protect himself by raising his left arm in time to block the attack heading straight towards his throat. The piece of glass embedded itself into his forearm, and he took the opportunity to grab Izaya by the neck and throw him into the hallway and away from the broken glass. He immediately removed the piece of glass from his forearm and threw it towards the balcony before he rushed to Izaya, bent down, grabbed both of his wrists in one hand, and then wrapped the other around the frail neck before the man even had a chance to get up. He pulled up a struggling Izaya and started dragging him back to the living-room, but the man raised one leg and tried to push him away. **"Izaya!"** Shizuo growled as he tightened his hold and kept it like that until Izaya stopped struggling. Now that the man was finally complian, Shizuo pushed him into the armchair and kept him pinned there in the hope that Izaya would finally snap out of it. He forced a knee between Izaya's legs to make sure that he couldn't kick him, and then leaned in closer until Izaya's face was mere inches away from his own. Even though he was restraining him, Shizuo hoped he could make him understand that he meant no harm, but he knew it wouldn't be easy because Izaya was shaking like a leaf, his eyes unfocused and glazed over. It crushed Shizuo to know that he could cause such terror in another person.

"Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you," he said, but Izaya was still in his own world. **"FLEA!"** he growled and Izaya jerked in his hold, some flicker of recognition coming back to those terrified brown-red eyes. **"Snap out of it already!"**

Izaya took a few deep breaths in order to gather his wits. "F-fuck you," he hissed.

Shizuo sighed, but didn't let go yet. "Welcome back. flea."

**"Fuck you!"** Izaya repeated in a venomous tone, even though on the inside he was terrified at the prospect of what would happen to him now that Shizuo had him immobilized. The man was way too close, the hot breath tickling his face making his skin crawl. He felt Shizuo loosen the grip he had on his neck, the hand making its way towards his shoulder, and he shuddered, feeling completely disgusted by the touch. **"Don't!"**

"I won't!" Shizuo hurried to answer. "I will never touch you like that again."

"Let go!" Izaya demanded, but his voice sounded pathetic even to his own ears.

"I want to," Shizuo spoke softly, "but there's no guarantee you won't lose it again."

"I didn't lose it to begin with," Izaya hissed through clenched teeth. He could clearly remember everything up to the point where he got pinned down by Shizuo, that being the moment when his mind got flooded by memories and he ended up drowning in them.

Shizuo gave him an incredulous look. "Seriously?" He'd been certain that Izaya was not himself when he attacked, but if the man had really been aware of his actions, then Izaya must've been really desperate if he ended up fighting in such a wild manner.

"I'm not a beast, unlike you," Izaya said in a malicious voice. "Get your filthy hands off, **now!"**

Shizuo pondered the demand, but in the end he decided against it. "If I do that, you're going to attack me again, and I don't want to hurt you."

"That's rich, coming from you," Izaya said, his voice dripping venom. "Or have you already forgotten what you did to me, how you almost killed me?"

"I... haven't forgotten... I... I'm sorry," Shizuo apologized in a voice laced with guilt.

Izaya's eyes widened in disbelief and he broke into hysterical laughter. "Ahh ha ha ha! **You goddam beast!** You dare apologize to me? Ahh ha ha ha ha!" he kept laughing, until he couldn't anymore because of the pain caused by the broken rib. **"You monster!"** he hissed, his expression turning savage again. "You have no right to be sorry!" he said and he noticed how Shizuo's grip on his shoulder tightened. "Beasts cannot feel regret, they have no feelings after all," he added with a nasty smirk on his face. "You're guided by your instincts only and that's why you're nothing more than a vicious animal, a **beast**. Eat, sleep, fuck, that's all you care about."

Shizuo growled and tightened his grip until he heard Izaya whimper. "You kept pushing me until I snapped; that's what you wanted, and now that I showed you the monster I've been trying to suppress, you start complaining. You're a hypocrite, flea."

"I'm a hypocrite?! You're the only hypocrite here, always pretending to be human when you're nothing more than a savage beast! I'm not even a woman, and yet you, you bastard... **you sick fuck!"** Izaya shouted in pure rage, but he ended up regretting it when Shizuo snarled and tightened the hold he had on his shoulder until he could feel the beginning of tears starting to form at the corners of his tightly shut eyes. Shizuo was still a beast with inhuman strength, and it hurt so much that Izaya had to bite hard into his lower lip to stop himself from crying out, only a few pained whimpers escaping past his lips. By the time Shizuo loosened his grip, there was blood running down Izaya's chin, the coppery taste almost making him gag.

"I am human! I have feelings too! You think it's easy for me to go on living knowing what I did to you? But you know what? You made me do it! It's only your fault," Shizuo said in a low, desperate, yet dangerous tone.

Izaya felt a shiver run down his spine, and he was damn terrified at the whole situation, but he had so much hate and resentment bottled up inside of him that he felt as though he would burst at any moment. "Oh, I see, so now you're blaming me for what you did, like I asked you to stab me, burn me, break my bones and then violate me in such a disgusting and vicious manner. **All of it is on you, beast!"** he snapped and spat Shizuo in the face.

Shizuo growled, and the hand which was previously on Izaya's shoulder viciously tightened around his neck again, not letting go even when Izaya started struggling for air. "You made me lose my job, and because of that I ended up disappointing my brother. Your fault, all your fault, you made me this way, I hate you, I hate you so much, why did you provoke me? All your fault, **everything is your fucking fault!"** Shizuo said brokenly, only letting go when he succeeded in snapping out of his temporary insanity enough to see that he was choking Izaya to death. "I'm sorry!" he nearly screeched and immediately released Izaya's wrists. He watched with wide, horrified eyes how the man he'd just tried to choke to death was struggling to breathe, and the idea that he truly was a monster came back to him with full force. Then, out of nowhere, he heard Shinra shout, and before he could react, he was punched in the face so hard that he ended up on the floor. _I didn't even see him come in_, he thought as he pushed himself off the ground with trembling limbs.

"Get away from him, **now!"** Shinra shouted and watched with hateful eyes as Shizuo staggered to the other side of the room.

Celty could only stare in shock. Never had she seen Shinra so angry before, and the fact that the anger was directed at Shizuo made things that much stranger. She was now certain that something must've happened between the two of them to shatter their friendship.

"Izaya, are you ok?" Shinra asked in a worried voice, immediately proceeding to inspect the damage when Izaya wouldn't answer. His eyes widened when he saw the bruise starting to form on Izaya's shoulder, and he couldn't help but grimace when he noticed the cuts on the hands. Snapping his head in Shizuo's direction, he growled the next command. "Celty, restrain Shizuo!"

Celty stood stock still, not knowing how to react.

"Celty!" Shinra repeated, hoping she'd snap out of it. "Do what I said!"

"There's no need," Shizuo said weakly. "I... I'm leaving."

Shinra got up from where he'd knelt in front of Izaya, stomped towards Shizuo, grabbed the man by the front of his black t-shirt, and then slammed him hard into the wall.

Shizuo had to force himself not to react, not wanting to accidentally hurt Shinra, the unfamiliar closeness making him uncomfortable.

"What did I tell you?" Shinra whispered so softly that Shizuo barely hear him.

"To stay away from Izaya," Shizuo answered just as softly.

**"And did you listen to me?"** Shinra shouted this time around while tightly wrapping the fingers of his other hand around Shizuo's neck.

That's when Celty snapped out of her stupor and proceeded to pull Shinra away from Shizuo.

"Let me go! He needs to die, I'm going to kill him, **let me kill him!"** Shinra kept shouting while struggling to free himself from Celty's hold.

[ Leave! ] Celty typed on the PDA using her smoke before she showed it to Shizuo who simply nodded and rushed out of the apartment.

Shizuo never saw Izaya's disturbing smile as the man watched him leave.

"Why?! Why did you stop me?" Shinra whined once Shizuo was out of the apartment.

[ I don't know what happened, but killing Shizuo is not the answer, no matter what he might've done to upset you. ]

Shinra merely gave her a nasty glare as soon as he was released before he rushed to Izaya's side. "Izaya," he called the name softly as he raised the raven's head to look into the unfocused eyes of his now only friend. "Did he do anything to you?" he asked, dread starting to pool in his stomach at the prospect of Shizuo doing something to Izaya while they were alone. Celty had only told him that Shizuo was waiting for them inside right before they had entered, and Shinra was slightly panicking knowing that Izaya had been alone with that monster for who knew how long. "Izaya," he repeated, almost too afraid to know the answer, "did he do anything to you?" With Izaya being unresponsive, Shinra's eyes flew to Izaya's pants, and he breathed in relief when he figured that the blood came from the cuts on the hands alone. "I'm sorry Izaya, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have left you alone," he said while gently squeezing one bloody hand.

"I'm okay," Izaya said out of nowhere, startling Shinra enough to jump back and release his hand. "I was just thinking."

"Thinking?! About what?!"

"It doesn't matter," Izaya answered before he forced a smile on his face, hoping that Shinra would stop freaking out. It was the first time Izaya had seen Shinra lose it like that, and it came as a bit of a shock. He remembered the destruction he'd caused to the man's living room, and he felt the need to apologize. "You took away my jacket, so I couldn't get to my switchblade. I'm sorry about the glass."

"Oh, I see. I put it on the hall-stand. I'm so sorry."

"It doesn't matter anymore, but some stronger painkillers would be nice."

"Right away!" Shinra said and rushed to the medicine cabinet.

"Shinra can't tell you anything even if you ask him, because I'm not giving him permission to do so," Izaya told Celty when he figured that she would drive the man crazy with questions after he'd be gone.

Celty nodded and proceeded to pick up the broken glass. A part of her wanted to go after Shizuo and offer her support, but after what happened, it was obvious that her friend had done something terrible enough to warrant such hatred from Shinra. She felt guilty about what had happened; she had been the one to force Shizuo into following her back to the apartment. She really was starting to dislike what was happening around her, because it felt like a part of her precious world had broken into pieces, and she hated to think that things would probably never be the same again.

Izaya watched her for a few moments before retreating into his own mind. For the first time since that nefarious encounter, he'd finally found the perfect way to destroy Shizuo once and for all, and his mind was in overdrive trying to come up with the details. He would make the beast cry tears of blood, of that he was certain.


	13. Before The Storm

**Chapter 13: Before The Storm**

.

By the time Shizuo was outside Shinra's apartment building, all color had drained from his face. Once again he ended up losing it, and if that wasn't proof enough that he was dangerous, he didn't know what was. Why was it always so easy to hurt Izaya, or anyone else for that matter? He had to be a monster, because no decent human being would've hurt someone who had been previously injured. Even if that hadn't been the case, the flea was still in no condition to fight, that frail body an obvious sign of how broken he was because of what had been done to him. Shizuo knew that he wasn't the smartest person around, but even he could tell that Izaya was suffering. _Of course he's suffering, you idiot, anyone would feel the same way if they had something similar done to them._ His friendship with the doctor was irremediably shattered, and after what happened, he had no doubts that Celty would keep her distance too. Even if Shinra were to still keep it secret, he was sure that she would most likely take Shinra's side even without knowing the truth.

Unfortunately, there was no way to go back and change things no matter how much he wished otherwise, so he shook his head and kept walking for a long time with no particular aim. When he came back to his senses, he realized with no little amount of surprise that he was standing in front of Kasuka's apartment. _Eh? How did I get here?_ He almost felt like laughing, because lately, each time he was having a hard time, he expected his little brother to fix everything. _Shouldn't it be the other way around?_ He knew that he shouldn't bother Kasuka with his problems, but he felt too depressed to be alone. He hated to admit, but he needed his brother to comfort him. He rang the doorbell a few times but he got no answer, which obviously meant that Kasuka was still at work. Shizuo was so exhausted that he didn't even have enough energy to keep standing, so he allowed his tired body to slide down the door he was leaning against until he was sitting on the floor. He must've dozed off at some point, because when he opened his eyes again Kasuka was on his knees in front of him with a slightly worried expression on his face.

"Nii-san, what happened?" Kasuka asked and took the bloody hand into his own.

"I ran into Izaya," Shizuo answered brokenly, the guilt at having hurt Izaya again almost smothering him.

Kasuka stiffened, his grip tightening to the point that it would've been painful for anyone else, but Shizuo showed no sign of discomfort. "You didn't, right?" Kasuka asked, hoping that Shizuo hadn't done something terrible to Izaya again.

"NO!" Shizuo rushed to answer. No matter what would happen from there on, he would never do something like that again, not when he preferred death over an increase in his suffocating guilt. It was already hard enough to get through the day knowing what he had done to the flea.

"I'm glad to hear that, nii-san," Kasuka sighed softly in relief, "and I'm sorry to have assumed that―"

"I understand. I did it once, who says I won't do it again?" Shizuo said while blankly staring ahead.

Kasuka lowered his head. "I'm sorry," he said, his tone nearly pleading. It was never his intention to hurt Shizuo, but he had to know the truth.

Shizuo laughed brokenly. "No, I'm sorry," he said, his eyes growing dark and his mind drifting off.

Kasuka knew that it was pointless to speak to Shizuo when he was like this, the tormented expression of the man's face a now too familiar sign that he was drowning in self-loathing, so instead he gently turned his arm around to assess the damage. It wasn't unusual for Shizuo to get injured, but Kasuka would be lying if he said that he'd gotten used to seeing him covered in blood. Such a sight always gave him this strange ache around his chest area that he couldn't stand. "You need stitches," he finally said and hoped that Shizuo would listen to him for once. "Get up, I'll take you to a hospital." He held his breath for a few seconds while waiting for an answer, and he was genuinely surprised when Shizuo nodded. He helped him get up and then pulled out his phone and called back the driver. He was still expecting a fight of some sorts, but when he didn't get any, he quietly led his brother to the car and then out of it and into the hospital once they arrived there.

"Hey, Kasuka, have you ever felt terrified of something or someone?" Shizuo asked while they were waiting to get called inside so that he would get his cut stitched up.

"Not really," Kasuka answered after a few moments of thinking, "at least not as far as I can remember."

"How about that time I picked up the fridge and wanted to hit you with it?" Shizuo asked, grimacing.

"No."

Shizuo looked at him in surprise. "I really was going to hit you. My bones breaking was the only thing that saved you."

"Perhaps that was your intention, but I don't think you would've gone through with it." Kasuka and ran a hand through Shizuo's hair. "You would never hurt me."

"Stop that," Shizuo hissed as he pulled away.

Kasuka looked at him blankly, his hand still in the air. "Why?"

"People will think that you're my girlfriend or something," Shizuo mumbled, his cheeks slightly flushed.

Kasuka pulled his hand away the next instant, a look of mortification upon his face. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before finally finding his voice. "But I'm your brother."

"Yeah, but they don't know that."

Kasuka narrowed his eyes. "Even so, why would I be the girlfriend?"

"You're too pretty," Shizuo muttered as he awkwardly scratched the back of his head.

"You yourself are good-looking, nii-san."

"Can we change the subject please?" Shizuo pleaded, cringing.

"It doesn't matter if you like guys, I still love you," Kasuka reassured him.

"I don't like guys!" Shizuo nearly growled.

Kasuka looked at him for a while but didn't say anything.

"I really don't!" Shizuo repeated in an almost pleading tone.

"Ok," was all that Kasuka said.

Shizuo shot him a nasty glare and opened his mouth to say something, but he was interrupted by a nurse who showed up right at that moment.

"Heiwajima Shizuo-san, please follow me."

"We'll finish this when I get back," he warned before he turned around and went after her.

Kasuka remained seated on the chair, trying not to think about his brother's sexual preferences, or anything that involved his brother and the word _sex_ in the same sentence, especially if it had anything to do with Izaya. It was already bad enough to have seen Izaya naked and bleeding, but to know that his brother had been the one to do such a thing to the Informant was that much worse. He could already feel a headache approaching, so he closed his eyes and tried to relax a bit before Shizuo would come back, because between filming and visiting Shizuo, he had little time left for himself. After that night when Shizuo got drunk, Kasuka made sure to visit him as often as he could, and now Shizuo had to run into Izaya and ruin all the progress that Kasuka worked so hard to achieve. Shizuo had been a mess ever since he unleashed all of his fury on Izaya, and there were days when Kasuka had doubts that his brother would even have the strength to get out of bed, but he kept pushing him and telling him that everything would be all right, until Shizuo eventually got back to his usual routine. Kasuka was certainly not happy with Shizuo's job, but Shizuo didn't want to stop working with Tom, so there wasn't much he could do to change his mind. He was so wrapped up in his thought that he either lost track of time or he ended up dozing off, because he was thinking about his brother's job one second, and in the next one, Shizuo was talking to him. It took a few moments for his brain to catch up, but when it did, he almost winced at Shizuo's words.

"―ot into guys, got it?"

Kasuka was too exhausted to argue, so all he did was blink and nod instead of giving an answer. "Does it hurt?" he asked.

"No, it's fine. They also took care of my other cut, so I'm all good now," Shizuo informed him as he extended his uninjured hand.

"What other cut?" Kasuka inquired as he stood up, eyes infinitesimally narrowing.

Shizuo smiled nervously. "Some guy nicked my skin with a knife, but I'm fine, don't worry about it."

"Nii-san! Quit that dangerous job already!"

"I'm sorry Kasuka... I... I can't. It keeps my mind off things, and I can blow some steam once in a while," Shizuo confessed and actually ended up wincing when he saw Kasuka's icy stare.

Kasuka turned around and started walking towards the exit, knowing there was nothing he could say that would've convinced Shizuo to quit his job. He wasn't giving up though, because he was certain that he could eventually get him to quit. He just needed time, that was all. He kept on walking, and once they were outside, they got into the car and Kasuka ordered the driver to take Shizuo home before dropping him at his own apartment. He really needed some sleep.

.

Izaya glared with animosity at the brown rice on his plate, then back at Shinra. "Why must you torture me so? If you insist on forcing me to eat, you might as well give me some fatty tuna."

Shinra glared back. "You can't eat too much at once after starving yourself for so long, and I know of your addiction to fatty tuna."

Izaya touched a bit of the rice with the tip of his tongue, and then dropped it back on the plate. "I can't eat this," he said, frowning.

"You haven't even tried it! You have to swallow it, you know?" Shinra sneered, a bit of exasperation seeping into his voice. "Start with this, and you can move to fatty tuna in a couple of days."

Izaya kept glaring at the plate as though he was hoping to incinerate it with the power of his mind. "This tastes disgusting."

Shinra sighed. "Even so, you still have to eat it."

Izaya pushed the plate away. "I'd rather not."

Shinra glared at him so hard that Izaya actually winced. "W-what? What's with that look?"

"Fine, don't eat it, but you'll have to stay here until you do."

"You can't keep me here!" Izaya shouted and banged the spoon against the table, immediately regretting it when pain flared up his stitched-up hand.

"Since you're taking on the role of a spoiled brat, I'll have to be the responsible adult and ground you to your room until you eat," Shinra declared as he leaned back against the chair. "Celty here will be your mommy, isn't that right darling?" he continued, giving Celty a heated gaze.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Izaya blurted out before he sprang to his feet and nearly ran to the bathroom.

[ Stop that! ]

Shinra's expression turned serious. "Don't worry, it's not because of us. He fears something."

[ And what may that be? ]

"Sorry, can't say."

Celty wanted to know more, but Izaya had prohibited Shinra to tell her anything, so she had no choice but to accept it. Her shoulders sagged. She hated to admit, but she was feeling rather depressed.

"What's wrong, Celty dear?"

[ I'd rather not say. ]

"Come on," Shinra said as he gently rubbed her shoulder. "You can tell me."

Celty hesitated for a few moments before she finally typed on her PDA. [ I'm worried about Shizuo. He was injured when he left. ]

"He'll live, unfortunately," Shinra said, his voice more spiteful that Celty had ever heard it.

[ How can you even say that?! ]

Shinra opened his mouth to say something, but instead he changed his mind and stood up. "I'll go check on Izaya," he stated before heading towards the bathroom. Celty had no idea about what really happened, so he couldn't blame her for worrying about Shizuo, but he knew very well what had transpired between Shizuo and Izaya, and he wished that he had been allowed to strangle the monster to death. Izaya was on a path to self-destruction because of what Shizuo had done to him, and Shinra hoped that he could save him before it was too late. Judging by the noises coming from behind the door, Izaya was dry heaving, which was certainly not something one should do when sporting a broken rib. "Hey, Izaya, be careful," he spoke loudly.

Izaya moaned in pain and opened the door a few moments later, Shinra immediately grabbing his arm and steadying him because it didn't look like the man would be able to walk by himself.

"H-hurts," Izaya whimpered, face contorted in pain.

Shinra sighed. "Of course it hurts, you're injured. You shouldn't be moving at all."

"I n-need more painkillers," Izaya nearly begged.

"I'm sorry but I can't give you more. I already gave you too many."

"Chest... h-hurts..." Izaya whined as Shinra helped him lie on the bed.

"I'm sorry," the doctor said before he rushed out of the bedroom, leaving Izaya to curl in on himself. He really hated to see his friend suffering, to be unable to do anything to help ease his pain. At least Izaya had changed out of the bloody clothes and into clean ones before dinner, and Shinra was grateful, because he would've really hated to do it himself when Izaya was in so much pain. After what he had been through, he had a feeling that the man wouldn't appreciate anyone taking his clothes off.

Inside the bedroom, Izaya clenched his teeth so hard that his jaw ached. He couldn't think clearly when all he could feel was agonizing pain with each breath he took, and that infuriated him to not end. In order for his revenge to come to fruition, he'd have to plan everything in detail, and he couldn't do it while he was writhing in agony. Shinra could've given him more painkillers, but the bastard refused to ease his torment. If only he could move, he would be able to get them himself, but as things were, all he could do was curl into a tight ball and wait for the pain to lessen. He had finally found a way to drag Shizuo on the chess board as a piece, and he wanted to put his plan into action as soon as possible. It wouldn't be easy, and it would take time, but if he played his cards right, he'd succeed in destroying both the beast's mind and soul. A twisted smile formed on his pained face and his eyes shone with malice. _Soon,_ he thought, holding onto the piece of paper with Slon's number which he had retrieved from the pocket of his borrowed pants, _soon the beast will know despair._

.

.

_**A/N:**__ I'll take this opportunity to inform you of a few things. For starters, this fic is at chapter 46 and still on-going, so that's why I can post a chapter ever 1-2 days on FF. Once I post all of them here, the updates won't be as fast. Anyway, if you really can't wait and you want read this fic faster than I post the chapters here, the link is in on profile. It's been there this whole time... xD_


	14. Slowly Chipping Away

**Chapter 14: Slowly Chipping Away**

.

Hours turned into days, days into weeks, but the guilt didn't lessen. Shizuo's mind was simply unable to cope with what he had done. What happened had also been Izaya's fault to some degree, but he shouldn't have risen to the bait and shown Izaya just what kind of monster he could be. The bastard was obviously not doing well, and even though the bruises on that pale body didn't really come as a surprise, the ribs and bones showing though the skin left him wondering just how hard it had to be for the flea to keep on living after such a traumatic experience. Anyone who knew Izaya even a tiny bit could tell you he loved to be in control, which meant that when said control had been brutally ripped away from him, it must've turned his carefully constructed world upside down. The flea was hurting badly, that mask of hatred unable to hide the pain Shizuo saw in those dark red orbs, that fear the man could never again be able to conceal while being in his presence. At least he didn't break him this time around. He could still clearly remember that night. It wasn't just the night when he broke Izaya to pieces, but it was also the night when Kasuka had learned just how sick he truly was. How could his brother even stand to look at him anymore, touch him so casually, freakin' be in the same room with him as opposed to running away screaming? Not that Kasuka would ever do something like that, but he couldn't really blame him if he did. Kasuka's words still echoed in his mind: _"No matter what you do, I'll always be on your side."_

Sighing, he opened the door to his apartment and lit up a cigarette as he sat down on the couch and closed his eyes to relax a bit after a hard day's work. God, how he'd missed smoking, but he hadn't been able to do it until after the run-in he had with Izaya. The burn mark he left on the flea's neck didn't look like it'd scar, and that somehow made him feel less guilty about doing it in the first place. It might've been better if he hadn't started smoking again, because going through two packs a day was neither healthy nor cheap, and the smell still made him feel a bit sick sometimes, but he saw it as yet another form of punishment he deserved for being a monster that could only break both things and people. Kasuka came to visit as often as he could, and while they didn't talk very much, it was comforting for Shizuo to know that he still had someone on his side. He'd ran into Celty a few times after the incident, but she never brought up the subject of Izaya, and because he didn't have much to say in general that didn't involve complaining or cursing the flea, it led to them not communicating with each other as much as they used to. Even when they did talk, it was only a few words about stuff that neither of them cared about, a habit ingrained by the courtesy they thought they needed to show each other.

There were some days when he could pretend that everything was normal, that what he'd done in that filthy alley never happened, that his friends didn't hate him and that his little brother didn't see him as something even lesser than before, but unfortunately, such days were rare. Kasuka would never admit it, but Shizuo knew that what happened bothered him to some extent. He would sometimes catch him stare with this strange expression of hurt, if it was hurt, because he could never really be sure what Kasuka was thinking. His little brother was the biggest enigma in the whole wide universe, even bigger than Izaya, and that said a lot. His jaw immediately tensed at the thought of Izaya, and he almost sneered at how easily he could end up drowning in self-loathing and self-pity, just like every other day when he came home from work. He stubbed the cigarette butt with a little more force than was necessary and got up, intending to get out of his clothes, take a shower and then perhaps watch some TV before eating.

He was about to press the handle to his room when he heard someone ring the doorbell once. He found that to be strange; he remembered Kasuka saying he couldn't visit him because he had an appointment. Sighing, he went to the door to see who it was, but when he opened it, he found no one there. He shrugged and moved to close it, thinking that it must've been a child's prank, but he stopped when he noticed the small box at his feet. Ok, so maybe it wasn't a child's prank after all. Perhaps it was the terrified delivery man from last time who thought that it would be a better idea to leave the package on the floor and run the hell away from there. Shizuo bent down and picked it up before he closed the door behind him and made his way to the couch. He sat down and proceeded to inspect the box, but he found nothing written on it, so he removed the wrapper and then opened the box, only to find a DVD inside. _What the―_

He heard his phone ring, so he reached into his pocket to fish it out. "Hello?"

"_Did you miss me, Shizu-chan~? You must have, it's been soooo long since we've last talked,"_ Izaya chirped in his usual annoying voice that Shizuo hadn't heard since before that fucked up night.

He was so stunned by the call that it was almost as though his brain had forgotten how to form words.

_"Shizu-chan?"_ Izaya repeated, and both Shizou's heart and fist clenched at the sound of that annoying nickname spoken in such a confident voice. It was almost nostalgic.

"Y-yeah, I'm here," was all he could say while trying to figure out why the flea would call him out of nowhere.

_"Did you get my present?"_

"Huh?"

_"The box, Shizu-chan, the box. Why must you be so dense?"_ Izaya said and sighed dramatically. _"Open the box and look inside. I sent you a present."_

"Flea, are you high or something?" Shizuo spoke softly, as though he was afraid that he'd spook Izaya away if he seemed too aggressive. He never would've thought that he'd miss their usual banter so much.

Izaya chuckled. _"I assure you that I am not high on anything. Anyway, try to pay attention, even though I know it's hard, with you being a protozoan and all that. Did you get the box, and if so, did you open it?"_

Shizuo scowled at the insult but what the hell, he might as well talk to Izaya and hopefully get a chance to properly apologize for the shit he'd done the last two times they ran into each other. Trying to choke someone to death was certainly not how someone should apologize. "I got it... what about it?"

Izaya chuckled again. _"Play it,"_ he said, his voice taking on a malicious edge.

Shizuo felt a chill run down his spine, the feeling that his world was about to get turned upside down almost making his knees weak. He didn't know why, but he had a feeling that whatever the hell the flea wanted to show him was not something he'd ever want to see. He got up and reluctantly walked over to the DVD Player where he inserted the disc.

_"Ah, you'd better sit down, Shizu-chan," _he heard Izaya say and he went to sit back on the couch as instructed, dreading whatever the bastard louse was about to show him.

At first there was just a black screen and some background noise, but the camera moved eventually and the louse's face came into view.

_**"Ne, Shizu-chan, do you think you could ever hate me as much as I hate you?"**_ Shizuo heard the Izaya in the video say, and his dread went up a notch. _**"I bet I can make you."**_

_Shit, shit, shit,_ whatever the bastard had planned was not good. "What the fuck is this?" he growled into the phone.

_"Shhh! Keep watching, you'll see soon enough."_

The view of the camera changed as Izaya started walking towards what looked like some sort of abandoned house, and this time around he could only hear the voice.

_**"Hmmm, perhaps I should've picked another place, you know, a dirtier place, just like that place, if you know what I mean," **_the voice said, followed by a string of disturbing chuckles.

"F-Flea... what―"

_"Stop sounding so lost, Shizu-chan, you're being boring. Don't tell me that you weren't expecting some sort of punishment for what you have done, because then I would be really disappointed in your protozoic brain. Well, it's not like I had high expectations to begin with, but still,"_ the Izaya on the phone said. _"I'm watching this too, so let's both enjoy it, ne?"_

The Izaya in the video went up some stairs before he opened a door and went into what looked like one hell of a dirty and dusty room. It was only for a fraction of a second, when the camera's angle changed to show the flea's face, but Shizuo could almost swear that he saw something or someone on the floor.

_**"I don't know if you've been counting the days, but I have, and guess what, Shizu-chan? It's been exactly seventy-two days since you dragged me into that alley and played oh so gently with me,"**_ he said mockingly.

Shizuo heard a low pained moan and his blood froze, something about the voice sounding eerily familiar.

_**"Ah, he's awake, one second," **_Izaya said and turned the camera to reveal someone lying face-down on the floor with his hands cuffed behind his back and his face obscured by brown hair.

Shizuo felt something inside him break, immediately recognizing the person in the video as being none other than his little brother Kasuka. _Oh god, please no, anything but Kasuka._ "No..." he said weakly into the phone, his only response being a malicious laugh. "A...any-thing but Kasuka..." he continued brokenly, his voice trembling in such a way that it was almost unrecognizable even to his own ears.

The Izaya on the phone ignored him, but the one in the video kept prancing around Kasuka's helpless form as though he was some sort of predator sizing up its prey.

_**"Kasuka-kun, wake up already,"**_ said the Izaya in the video, and Kasuka seemed to slowly come back to his senses, not looking as surprised at he should've been considering he was on the ground, his hands cuffed behind his back and his brother's enemy staring down at him.

"Oh god, don―"

_"Don't what, Shizu-chan? Don't hurt Kasuka? I'm seriously baffled at how obtuse you can be. Even you should be able to tell that whatever happened in this video can no longer be changed. You'd think the time-stamp would stand out..."_ Izaya said, and Shizuo could almost see the son of a bitch roll his eyes.

His own eyes fell on the time-stamp, and for a few suffocating moments, he simply could not breathe anymore. Three hours... that was how much time had passed between whatever atrocity Izaya had committed and the time Shizuo had received the DVD. He felt the room starting to spin around him, his heart hammering so loudly and painfully inside his ribcage that he couldn't hear any of the words being spoken to him, nor the discussion taking place in the video. _Nonononono! NOT Kasuka! Why take it out on him when I would gladly let you break me instead? _A thousand thoughts went through his head, all revolving around his brother, and by the time he came back to his senses, it seemed like Kasuka was speaking to Izaya. _Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop being so goddam loud!_ he ordered his heart, fingers tightly clenched in the material of his shirt.

_**"―ted this,"**_ he heard Kasuka say in his usual flat tone.

_**"Yes, you really should have expected this Kasu-chan. How naive can you be?"**_ said Izaya before he burst into laughter. _**"I, however, expected better from you."**_

Kasuka got up with a bit of effort, but it didn't seem like it mattered to Izaya because the bastard kept filming with no care in the world.

_**"So what do you want?"**_ Kasuka asked as he leaned against the wall, his eyes never leaving Izaya's form.

Both Izayas chuckled at the same time, and Shizuo's body shook as a shiver ran down his spine at the ominous sound. There was this nagging voice in the back of his mind screaming about where this was going, but he refused to acknowledge it. _The flea would never..."_You wouldn't," he nearly choked as the words left his lips. "You could never..." he continued, his voice a desperate plea.

The Izaya on the phone giggled but otherwise stayed quiet, the one in the video speaking instead.

_**"World peace? No, not really, just kidding; that'd be sooo bo~oring! But anyway, you already know what I want. Come on Kasu-chan, you can't possibly be as dense as your brother. Please don't disappoint me!"**_

Kasuka stared blankly at the camera, or at Izaya, or both. _**"You seek revenge on my brother."**_

_**"See? It wasn't that hard to guess."**_

_**"Do you plan to kill me?"**_ Kasuka asked and cautiously moved to check out the window.

_**"Of course I won't kill you,"**_ Izaya giggled,_**"that, too, would be boring. No, no, what I'm going to do is so much worse."**_

Kasuka spared him an uninterested glance before looking outside again. _**"You're welcome to try."**_

Shizuo waited with his breath caught in his throat to see what Izaya would say next, but nothing happened, and when he heard the voice on the phone instead of the one in the video he almost dropped it in surprise.

_"Your brother really is one of a kind. Most people would've panicked, but he didn't. He's just as monstrous as you are, the only difference being that he is on the opposite side of the spectrum."_

"Fuck you!" Shizuo growled into the phone.

Izaya yawned, as though the whole thing was boring him to tears. _"You already have, Shizu-chan, and let me tell you something, __**you really sucked at it.**__"_

Shizuo flinched at the remark, but he was too fucking upset to give a shit about what he had done to the flea when Kasuka's life was at stake. "What did you do to my brother?"

_"Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! You should really learn the meaning of the word_ _patience__."_

"Stop screwing around!" Shizuo shouted into the phone, his fingers clenched so tightly around it that he could almost hear the plastic crack under the strain.

_"Have you ever heard the saying 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth?'"_

"What―"

_"Your ignorance doesn't seem to know any boundaries,"_ Izaya said and sighed loudly into the phone. _"It's a saying. What it means is that a person who has injured another person is penalized by receiving the injury inflicted on the victim."_

Shizuo's hand further tightened around the phone, a piece of plastic falling at his feet. It was a miracle that it was still working. "What... what does that have to do with Kasuka? If I understood you correctly, I should be the one in that room, not Kasuka."

Izaya giggled. _"Ah, but Shizu-chan, that'd be too predictable. Why 'an eye for an eye,' when a 'sibling's eye for an eye' sounds so much better?"_ he said, his tone more twisted and malicious than Shizuo had ever heard it before.

A whine got past the lump in Shizuo's throat, the next words leaving his mouth sounding just as broken as he was. "You... you... you didn't, you wouldn't... please tell me you didn't!" he pleaded.

_"You're right, Shizu-chan, you know me too well. I'm not sure I like that,"_ he said thoughtfully. _"I'm not you after all, I really couldn't do it, but... __**he could,"**_Izaya said, Shizuo's blood freezing in his veins when he heard a third voice coming from the recording on the video.

_**"Good, I see you already brought him here," **_the other man said, and Shizuo dropped the phone, the horror of what they were about to do, of what they had most likely done, finally dawning on him.

_NonononoNONONONO!_


	15. Annihilation

**Chapter 15: Annihilation**

.

He wanted nothing more than to look away, but at the same time he couldn't take his eyes off the screen. That was his little brother there, trapped like an animal between two monsters, and there was nothing he could do about it.

**_"I told you I would," _**said the Izaya in the video.

**_"Hello, Yuuhei, it's a pleasure to meet you,"_** the other man said before turning to Izaya. **_"Why are you filming this?"_**

Izaya snickered. **_"Insurance. As long as we have this, he'll keep quiet, unless he wants everyone to see what we're about to do."_**

_**"Good idea. Anyway, where were we? Oh, right, it's nice to meet you, Hanejima Yuuhei, I'm Slon," **_he said as he sauntered towards Kasuka.

Shizuo's eyes filled with horror, and he couldn't help but whimper. He picked up the phone and put it back to his ear.

_"Shizu-chan? Did you pass out or something?"_ Izaya asked, but Shizuo couldn't find his voice when the man in the video was getting closer and closer to his little brother.

There were a lot of things he expected to see, but Kasuka somehow slipping one hand out of the cuffs and smacking the guy in the face with the metal was not one of them. For a fraction of a second, when Kasuka made a dash towards the door, Shizuo believed that he'd make it, but the guy grabbed his jacket and pulled him backwards. Kasuka almost tripped and fell, but he was caught by the arm and thrown into the wall opposite to the door.

_"I can hear you breathing, Shizu-chan, so I guess it's safe to assume that you're still there. Anyway, I can't believe he didn't cry out at that. He really is just as monstrous as you are."_

Shizuo couldn't answer though, not when Kasuka was being picked up and pinned between the wall and that monster of a man who looked like he could break him with almost no effort at all. He was big... too big, a foreigner looking like a professional wrestler, and it was pretty safe to assume that Kasuka would never be able to fight him off.

_**"I suggest you don't do that again, unless you want me to teach you the meaning of the word **__**pain**__**," **_Slon said, and Shizuo felt his stomach churn when he saw brief disgust cross Kasuka's face as the man shoved a knee between his legs.

With his arms pinned above his head, and that bastard squashing him between the wall and his body, there wasn't anything that Kasuka could do when the man grabbed his jaw and crushed their lips together.

"Stop it!" Shizuo cried out.

_"I already told you, this is all in the past, and there's nothing you can do to change it,"_ Izaya said, snickering at the pain and desperation he could hear in Shizuo's voice.

"Please..." Shizuo continued weakly. _Please don't make me watch this anymore, please tell me it's not true!_

Kasuka couldn't even budge an inch, and when Slon finally pulled away, he was gasping for air. He turned brown eyes towards Izaya, and Shizuo could swear that he saw hurt in them. **_"Why?" _**Kasuka asked, his eyes fixed on the man filming the assault.

**_"Because he cares about you more than he cares about himself," _**Izaya told him as he zoomed in on Kasuka's face.

**_"What are you talking about?" _**Slon asked just before he punched his victim in the stomach so hard that Kasuka ended up falling to the ground in a heap the second he was released.

**_"It doesn't matter, just do your thing,"_** Izaya brushed off the question. **_"Ah, but before you start, I'd like to know how Kasu-chan got out of those cuffs."_**

_**"Who?"**_

Izaya sighed. _**"Yuuhei."**_

**_"I doubt he's going to tell us,"_**Slon said and bent down to grab Kasuka by the hair, only to get kicked in the face by a heavy boot.

Kasuka pushed himself off the ground and tried to make another run for the door, but Slon caught his ankle and pulled him backwards, a heavy fist descending on his lower back and crushing him into the floor beneath.

Shizuo felt tears running down his face, the sight of Kasuka trying to curl in on himself because of the pain crushing his heart in a vice-grip.

_**"You little shit,"**_ Slon growled and punched Kasuka in the face so hard that the smaller man's lip split open under the pressure.

Shizuo actually cried out at that, the horror of it all hitting him even harder than before.

_"It's all right to cry, Shizu-chan, it's a natural response to pain. Even beasts cry, ne?"_

"M-monster," Shizuo said in a trembling voice.

_"In order to fight a monster, I had to turn into one myself. You, of all people, have no right to judge me," _Izaya said, his voice laced with disgust.

"Bast―" Shizuo started, but he ended up choking on the words when he saw Slon lower the zipper of his pants.

_**"I was going to use lube, but now I won't because you broke my nose,"**_Slon said as he rolled Kasuka on his stomach, pinning him down by the nape.

Kasuka tried to use his hands to pry away the man's fingers, but Slon grabbed the still cuffed wrist and twisted it until it broke with a sickening crunch. For the first time since it all began, Kasuka cried out in pain.

Shizuo didn't remember getting up, or moving, but when he came back to his senses, he was clawing at the screen, his whole body trembling in pain and rage. He gripped the phone tighter, his breath coming out ragged. "He saved you," he said, "and you... **this** is how you repay him?"

_"My hatred for you outweighs the gratitude I feel towards him."_

"I'm going to fucking kill you for this!" Shizuo shouted into the phone, his eyes burning with hatred.

_"No, you won't, Shizu-chan, unless you want the whole world to see the video of your brother getting sodomized."_

Slon started working on unbuckling Kasuka's belt, but not before punching him a few more times for good measure.

**"I'll fucking KILL you!"** Shizuo growled.

_"Shouldn't you be apologizing instead of threatening me, hmm?"_

"Fucking kill you..." Shizuo repeated, his vision blurred by tears as he watched Slon stroke himself to hardness before settling himself between Kasuka's legs.

Kasuka was too weak to fight back at this point, his left hand trembling as he kept trying to pull Slon's fingers away from his neck.

The Izaya in the video was eerily quiet, but the one on the phone couldn't stop chuckling. _"Doesn't Slon remind you of someone?"_

"What...?"

_"You, Shizu-chan, you're Slon."_

Shizuo felt the room starting to spin around him, Izaya's words a sharp, hot knife cutting into his flesh with a viciousness that shook him to the core. Suddenly, he wasn't seeing Slon there anymore, the man's face having been replaced by his own. Slon wasn't the one holding his little brother down, he was, and when the man positioned himself at Kasuka's entrance, Shizuo screamed and tightly shut his eyes, quivering fingers pulling at his own hair in despair. He could not watch, could not bare to see Kasuka's face as his insides were ripped to shreds, nor the pain and betrayal he'd certainly see in those terrified brown eyes. He expected to hear screams, cries, anything, but instead it was quiet. Too quiet. Panic-stricken, he snapped his head back to the screen, thinking that Slon had somehow killed Kasuka, but there was nothing there, the blackness of it tearing his sanity apart.

_"Sorry, Shizu-chan, _ _but that's all you get to see."_

"W-why?" Shizuo asked, his teeth chattering so hard that even Izaya could hear the sound through the phone.

_"Believe it or not, I like Kasuka-kun, and as much as I hate you, I won't humiliate him more than I already have by showing you his degradation."_

Shizuo broke into sobbing.

_"That's good, Shizu-chan, let it all out. Even I cried, but you already know that."_

"He... w-was... inno-cent!" Shizuo managed to say between heartwrenching sobs, once again tugging at his blond locks in despair, the memory of his little brother running his fingers gently through them making him cry even harder.

_"No one is innocent."_

"He... he didn't de-serve t-this!"

_"And I did?"_ Izaya asked in a flat tone.

Shizuo swung his fist so hard that the TV flew into the wall behind. _No flea, you didn't deserve it either_. He couldn't say it out loud though, not when the man he broke with his own hands had done the same thing to the only person that Shizuo cared about more than anything and anyone in the world.

_"I see,"_ Izaya said, his voice carrying some bitterness to it. _"You're a hypocrite, Shizu-chan, and a monster, but a monster with feelings, and that was your downfall. I've been trying to find a way to get back at you ever since that night, but it wasn't until you said that I was the cause of you disappointing your brother that I knew what I had to do in order to break you. You're a pathetic excuse for a monster, because you shouldn't have feelings, but you do, and you served me innocent Kasu-chan on a silver platter during our last meeting. You should always think before you speak."_

Shizuo couldn't get his brain to form words anymore, the guilt he already felt increasing exponentially with each passing moment.

_"Ah, but don't worry, Shizu-chan, I'm not a monster like you. I didn't just leave him there in a pool of his own blood. Someone is going to bring Kasuka to your place soon, so wait there if you want to see your brother. And don't call Shinra either, because I already had a doctor take a look at him. It's better to get patched up by a stranger than by someone you know. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience. I didn't want to leave him torn like that, it's really painful you know, but at least he didn't get stabbed in the leg. That makes things sooo much worse! Oh, I think they're there," _Izaya said just as Shizuo heard the doorbell.

It took Shizuo a few tries to get to his feet, his knees so weak that he had to grab onto different pieces of furniture just to keep standing as he walked on unsteady legs. He paused for a second when he reached the doorknob before he pressed it with a trembling hand, and he felt his entire being break into its most basic elements when he was met with the sight of an unconscious Kasuka being held by Celty.

_"He passed out from the pain," _Izaya said just before Shizuo dropped the phone and pulled Kasuka into his arms.

Shizuo thought he saw Celty write something on her PDA, but he couldn't be sure, not when his blurred by tears eyes were glued to Kasuka's limp form. He picked him up in his arms and closed the door behind him, managing to take exactly two steps before dropping to his knees and desperately clinging to Kasuka's broken body. He didn't even hear the doorbell as it kept ringing for a while, deaf and blind to everything around him. He wept like a child, cradling his little brother to his chest and whispering apologies in a broken voice. The bruises on Kasuka's face and neck were already turning purple, and Shizuo only dared to raise the black t-shirt a few inches before pulling it back and weeping even harder, the once flawless pale skin now painted black and purple. He noticed that Kasuka was wearing the same type of clothes Izaya wore that night, and the image of Kasuka looking so much like Izaya annihilated the remainder of his soul. _Izaya, you're the cruelest being in existence,_ he thought as he buried Kasuka's head in the crook of his neck and gently ran his hand through the brown locks. _You win._


	16. A Walk On The Darkside

**Chapter 16: A Walk On The Dark Side**

.

Shinra was quietly sipping on a cup of coffee and reading the Dollars chat when a frantic Celty burst through the door. He could tell from her posture alone that she was panicking about something. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, but he couldn't understand her answer because she was typing too fast and showing him the PDA for less then a second before pulling it back it and starting all over again. "Celty!" he shouted her name when he couldn't get her attention, and then grabbed her wrist and held onto it tightly. "Look at me!"

Celty stiffened before letting herself drop to her knees in front of him. [ I'm sorry... ]

Shinra squeezed her shoulder gently. "Now tell me what's wrong."

[ It's about Shizuo! ]

Shinra's grip on her shoulder unconsciously tightened. "I already told you, I don't care what happens to him," he hissed and removed his hand when he realized that he was holding onto her shoulder too tightly. Not that he could hurt her, but still, it wasn't right. "Sorry, I didn't mean to take it out on you."

[ Shizuo was crying! ]

Shinra's eyes widened in surprise. _Ok, that was unexpected.__He _couldn't remember ever seeing Shizuo cry.

[ It's Izaya! He did something! ]

_So Izaya has started taking his revenge,_ he thought with a bit of satisfaction, and he couldn't help but wonder what could Izaya have possibly done to make Shizuo cry. Celty was upset over it though, and he hated that he couldn't tell her why he crossed Shizuo off the list of people he somewhat cared about. "Have you ever stopped to consider that perhaps Shizuo deserves whatever it is that Izaya did to him?" Shinra asked as he folded his arms in front of his chest. "Shizuo is a bastard."

[ Izaya did something to Kasuka! ]

Shinra narrowed his eyes. "What did he do?"

[ Earlier he called me and told me that he had a job for me, so I went to his apartment. When I got there, he said that all I had to do was to deliver a package, and then he led me inside and pointed to Kasuka's unconscious form. ]

Shinra felt a shiver run down his spine, the thought of Izaya doing something to Kasuka making him nervous. Shinra didn't care about humans in general, but he had a soft spot for Izaya, Shizuo and Kasuka. He used to run into Kasuka quite lot when they were children, so he ended up caring ― in his own twisted way ― about that apparently emotionless human being. He almost didn't want to know what Izaya had done to him, but Celty's PDA was shoved in his face again, and he had no choice but to read the text there.

[ Kasuka was hurt so badly! He was covered in bruises and his right wrist was broken! ]

Shinra's expression turned grim. Izaya's right wrist had also been broken that day.

Celty continued when she saw that Shinra wasn't saying anything. [ And he was wearing Izaya's clothes! ]

Shinra grit his teeth. _This doesn't sound good..._

[ I asked Izaya what was going on, but he refused to tell me, and then he asked me once again to take Kasuka to Shizuo's apartment. ]

"How did Izaya look like?" Shinra asked, his whole body tensing, fingers digging into his own arms.

[ Who cares about that freak? ]

"I do!"

[ He's a monster! ]

"Just answer my question!"

Celty tightened her hold on the PDA as she typed. [ He looked pale. ]

Shinra got up. "I'm going to see Izaya."

[ Shizuo and Kasuka are the ones who need help, not Izaya! Please come with me to Shizuo's place! ]

Shinra glared at Celty, really hating the thought of seeing Shizuo again, but knowing that he had to do it if he wanted to check on Kasuka. "It's better if I talk to Izaya first," he said and moved to grab a small first aid kit he kept on hand for emergencies.

Celty followed after him, smoke seeping from underneath her helmet, a clear indication that she was furious. [ What about Kasuka? ]

"First Izaya, then Kasuka," Shinra said, and Celty followed him out the door.

.

Izaya was in the middle of pouring himself another glass of sake when he heard the doorbell ring. He raised tired eyes in the direction of the door, accidentally spilling some of it on the glass table. He chuckled at the mishap, set the bottle down and took the glass with a shaky hand, completely ignoring whoever was at the door.

_"Izaya, open up!"_ he heard Shinra shout from behind the door.

He stared blankly ahead for a while before he raised the glass to his lips and drank the sake in one go.

_"Open the damn door!"_

Izaya cringed, the ringing and the banging grating on his already fried and crushed to fine dust nerves. He took the bottle and poured himself some more sake, and then giggled when Shinra banged on the door hard enough to hurt himself, the string of curses following that last bang a clear indication of what had just happened. _What an idiot,_ he thought as he drank some more of that expensive sake. He always had a couple of bottles of alcohol lying around the house in case he needed to celebrate a well done job with a satisfied client. He didn't usually drink, because he liked to have a clear mind, but at that moment, all he wanted to do was to forget, the events of the day bringing back horrible memories he didn't want to remember.

"What the hell Izaya?" Shinra shouted all of a sudden from inside the apartment, startling Izaya hard enough to almost make him lose his grip on the glass.

"Did you just break into my apartment?" Izaya asked, amusement clear in his voice.

Shinra stomped towards the corner couch and took a seat far away from Izaya so that he could better observe the man. "To answer your question, Celty opened the door for me."

Izaya's eyes turned in the direction of the door. "I had no idea that she could use her smoke like that."

"I told her to wait for me downstairs," Shinra continue as he put down the first aid kit. "You don't look hurt," he said matter-of-factly.

Izaya jumped straight to the subject. "Why are you here?" he asked with a frown on his face.

Shinra shifted nervously for a while.

"Well?"

Shinra sighed. "What did you do?"

Izaya chuckled darkly and drank some more sake before finally answering. "I've done some really bad things."

"Izaya..."

"You've known Shizu-chan for far longer than I have," he stated, red eyes fixed on Shinra's tensed form, "so tell me, have you ever seen him cry?"

"No, never, not even when he was in a lot of pain because of his broken bones."

"That means that I'm the only one who succeeded in making Shizu-chan cry~" Izaya sang before pouring himself another glass of sake. "I feel special!"

"You're special all right..." Shinra muttered, frowning.

Izaya giggled. "You were insulting me just now, weren't you?"

"I would never," Shinra tried to defend himself with a fake smile on his face, his eyes taking in every detail of Izaya's hunched form. Something about him was off, the sagged shoulders and haunted eyes a sign that whatever Izaya had done was not something he enjoyed doing. The man obviously didn't want to talk about it, and Shinra didn't know how to go about it in order to make him talk. Perhaps he could talk about something else, and then go back to it once Izaya relaxed a bit. It was worth a try. "You look better," he said.

Izaya giggled. "Yeah... well, I can eat now, no thanks to you. That brown rice was truly horrible!"

"Will you ever stop mentioning that rice? It wasn't that bad!" the doctor snapped, and his cheeks slightly flushed in embarrassment.

Izaya raised his head and looked him straight in the eyes. "Shinra, listen to me."

"Huh? Ok, I'm listening."

"Your cooking is terrible!" Izaya said and burst into laughter. "I'd rather starve to death! Well, I was starving to death that time, and I still couldn't eat it."

"Now you're just being a dick," Shinra mumbled as he glared at the obviously drunk man.

"It's ok though, I'm eating now, so don't worry about it anymore," said Izaya while staring at the glass in his hand as though the sake inside held all the secrets of the universe.

"You don't look like a walking corpse anymore, so I'm not worried about it. I can't however say the same thing about your mental state. Something is wrong with you, and it has something to do with Kasuka and Shizuo."

Izaya threw Shinra a glare before he went back to staring at the alcohol. "I see your monstrous girlfriend has already informed you."

"She's worried about them..."

"Kasuka will live," Izaya said softly, his voice trembling a bit.

"Please, just tell me what you did!"

Izaya chuckled darkly. "It's a long story."

"Start with the beginning," Shinra suggested.

Izaya looked him in the eyes for a while without saying a word.

"Please..."

Izaya smiled. "All right, if you insist!"

Shinra smiled back, wanting to reassure his friend.

"Do you remember that day when Shizu-chan showed up at your apartment?"

Shinra nodded.

"Well, that day the Awakusu-Kai paid me a visit and asked me to find some spies, like I was some pathetic human being they could order around! Ahh ha ha ha!"

"Oh, so that's how you got the broken rib."

"Yeah, I pretty much told them to go fuck themselves, and let me tell you, they didn't seem too happy about it!"

"Of course, they aren't people you should mess with. The one who hurt you wasn't Shiki though, right?" he asked, hoping that the man he trusted with the key to his apartment wouldn't do something so low as to hit an injured person.

"It was Aozaki."

"Oh, ok, good."

Izaya shot him a nasty glare.

"What I meant to say was that I'm glad it wasn't Shiki, that's all!" Shinra said, hands raised in a placating gesture.

Izaya sighed and drank some more sake. "Right... anyway, they left me Slon's number, so after the little run-in I had with Shizu-chan, I decided to use the Russian assassin to take my revenge on him. Ah, Shizu-chan made me so angry that day, daring to apologize to me like that would make everything better..."

Shinra was starting to get worried. It was a bad idea to deal with assassins in general, especially the Russian ones, and it made no sense that Kasuka got beat up instead of Shizuo ending up with a bullet through his head. "What does this have to do with Kasuka?" he finally asked.

Izaya giggled. "Patience, my dear Shinra, patience. Do you know the saying 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth'?

"Of course," Shinra answered. "Everyone knows it."

"Shizu-chan didn't know it! Stupid protozoan!"

"Shizuo didn't kill you, so what's with the assassin?"

"I didn't take the Awakusu-Kai's job in order to get Slon to kill Shizuo, that would've been too easy! I wanted Shizu-chan to cry tears of blood, so I used Slon to hurt Kasuka," Izaya said and laughed brokenly. "It wasn't easy though, but I knew that once Slon got obsessed over something, he couldn't go on living without finding the answer, or without trying that something out."

"Don't tell me you―"

"So one day I asked him if he'd like to fuck Hanejima Yuuhei," Izaya said and burst into laughter.

"Iza―"

"That brute was sooo against it in the beginning, but the more we talked about it, the more he wanted to do it, and soon enough it got to the point where he couldn't go on living if he didn't find out how it would feel to screw Hanejima Yuuhei. He told me so! It only took a bit over a month to play him into doing it, but it was totally worth it, even though I had to work for the Awakusu-Kai during that time."

Shinra paled at the implication and sprang to his feet, his body overwhelmed by the need to punch Izaya in the face. He only managed to take one step before he froze in his tracks, a gun now pointed straight towards his chest.

"This is close enough," Izaya said, frowning. "I'd really hate to shoot my only friend."

_When did he even pull that gun out,_ Shinra thought, horrified. _Better yet, from where did he even get the gun?_

_._

_._

_**A/N:**__durr__: If you really wanted to know (but the story wouldthen get spoiled for you), I'd tell you through a PM, but you don't have an account here so..._


	17. You've Seen The Butcher

**Chapter 17: You've Seen The Butcher**

.

Izaya motioned towards the couch. "Sit down."

"From where did you get the gun?" Shinra asked, trying to sound indifferent even though he was seriously worried for his safety.

Izaya only smiled bitterly.

"Please put it down before you end up hurting someone, yourself included," Shinra tried again.

**"Sit down,"** Izaya repeated, his voice leaving no room for argument. He waited until Shinra sat back down on the couch before allowing himself to relax. "I thought you wanted to hear the whole story," he said, amusement clear in his voice, "so stay there until I finish. You don't get to change your mind in the middle of it."

"You know what, Izaya? **Go screw yourself!**" Shinra hissed.

"Oh? Why are **you** so mad? Weren't you supposed to not give a damn about humans, hmm? So what if I broke Kasuka? How is that any of your concern?" he asked and chuckled, drinking some more sake directly from the bottle while he waited for Shinra to complain some more.

Shinra grit his teeth but kept his mouth shut, not wanting to provoke Izaya into shooting him. Regular Izaya was bad enough, drunk Izaya with a gun in hand was a freakin' menace._ Izaya, what the hell happened to you?_

"Fine, don't answer my question... as I was saying, Slon got obsessed over Kasuka, so I offered to deliver Hanejima Yuuhei to him," he said, red eyes staring at Shinra's tense form. He giggled, finding the glare shot his way to be highly amusing. "You want to hurt me, don't you? I can see it in your eyes."

"Yes, because you 'thanked' Kasuka for saving your life by―"

"And I'm grateful for that."

"That's not how you thank someone!" Shinra spat out the words, angry at the man for being such an ungrateful little shit.

Izaya's voice dripped venom as he spoke. "You're irritating me with your self-righteousness. It's easy for you to judge when you weren't the one who got screwed by that beast."

"That may be true, and I can only imagine how hard it must've been for you, but I can sympathize. That still doesn't give you the right to hurt an innocent person," Shinra said and shook his head in a gesture of disapproval.

Izaya stared blankly at the doctor for a long time. "Take off your clothes," he finally said in a flat tone.

"... w-what?" Shinra stuttered, completely dumbfounded.

"Take off your clothes!"

Shinra continued to stare at him, his mind unable to properly process such a ludicrous command. "Iza―"

**"TAKE YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES OFF! NOW!"** Izaya snapped and jumped to his feet, gun pointed towards the man's head.

Shinra instinctively bucked into the corner of the couch, Izaya's crazed expression scaring the living daylights out of him. "Izaya, please calm down," he spoke softly, voice trembling with fear. Drunk Izaya was not only dangerous, but also insane.

**"I'm not going to fucking calm down! Take your goddam clothes off! NOW!"** Izaya commanded.

Shinra could only stare with wide, terrified eyes as Izaya stomped towards him, each step making his heart beat that much faster. "**STOP!"** he screamed and closed his eyes just as Izaya extended a hand towards him, the gentle touch on his face startling him just as badly as Izaya's seemingly violent behavior.

"I'm sorry..." Izaya said as he cupped Shinra's cheek, his voice filled with regret. "I only wanted you to understand. I would **never** hurt you."

Shinra opened his eyes and blinked a few times before punching Izaya square in the face, the man staggering backwards from the unexpected hit. **"FUCK YOU!"** he hissed, seething, before he jumped to his feet and grabbed Izaya by his V-Neck shirt with his right hand while snatching the gun with the other. **"I'll never forgive you for this!"** he growled, his whole body shaking in rage, Izaya's unacceptable behavior pissing him off so much that he ended up punching the man a few more times before finally feeling satisfied enough to back away. He watched as Izaya wiped some of the blood pouring from his nose, and that's when he noticed a pretty large blood stain on the right side of the black t-shirt. _It's none of your business! Turn around and leave! This ungrateful bastard doesn't deserve your concern. Tell him to go to hell,_ he kept telling himself, yet the words that came out of his mouth were, "are you injured?"

Izaya sighed and wiped some more of the blood that was pouring out of his broken nose. _I totally deserved it,_ he thought, hoping that he hadn't just irreparably ruined his friendship with Shinra. He averted his gaze, muttering a "what if I am?" _Two stupid mistakes in one day, way to go Izaya!_

Shinra's eye twitched in annoyance, the urge to punch Izaya a few more times suddenly coming back. Instead, he sighed and placed the gun on the table before grabbing Izaya's arm with more force than necessary and dragging him to the couch where he forced him to sit down. "You're the biggest asshole I've ever met!"

"I know."

"But I'm not about to let you die before you properly apologize for the shit you've pulled today!"

Izaya laughed awkwardly.

"What you did is unforgivable."

"I know that too."

Izaya looked so miserable that Shinra could hardly believe he was the same person who moments before seemed so hell-bent on hurting him, the malice and viciousness gone and replaced by guilt and sorrow. He wanted to hate Izaya, he wanted to punch the man one last time before turning around and walking out of the apartment with a promise to never come back, but he couldn't do it. "For a second I really thought you were going to..." he trailed off, still a bit shaken up about the whole thing.

"I'm sorry."

_Sorry won't cut it, you fucking bastard,_ he wanted to say, but he ended up gasping in shock when he saw the bloody bandages covering the man's torso. "What the hell happened to you?"

Izaya frowned, seemingly looking into space before speaking in an emotionless voice. "Ah... I miscalculated."

"Miscalculated what?" Shinra inquired and proceeded to take off the bandages to see the wound better.

"Myself."

Shinra stopped what he was doing, fingers frozen on the bloodied material as he looked into those pained eyes which reflected so well the damaged soul behind them. _Why are you so tormented Izaya?_

"Kasuka is too nice."

Shinra nodded.

"He ditched his bodyguards and followed me when I told him that I had something to talk to him about in private."

Shinra grimaced. "He doesn't know you like I do."

"Yet here you are, taking such good care of me after I threatened you with a gun and asked you to take your clothes off," Izaya reminded him, and before he even had a chance to react, Shinra's fingers tightly wrapped around his neck.

**"Don't push it,"** the doctor snarled and kept squeezing that neck for a while longer until he finally reigned in his rage and released the hold he had on his asshole of a friend. "I really hate you!" he hissed and brusquely pulled away the bandages.

"The gun wasn't loaded," Izaya informed him matter-of-factly.

Shinra glared at him. "That's no excuse for what you've just done to me!"

Izaya put a hand on Shinra's shoulder and nodded.

Shinra smacked away the hand. "Don't touch me!"

If looks could kill, Izaya knew that he would've been obliterated by Shinra's icy glare the moment he made the mistake of touching him. Even his drunken messed up brain could tell he had crossed a line in their friendship that he shouldn't have crossed, and that things would most likely never be the same again. The fact that Shinra was still there was a miracle in itself. _I only wanted you to understand me, to stop judging me so harshly because there's no one else besides you. If not even you can understand me then―_

"Is this a gunshot wound...?" Shinra asked, head tilted and a look of surprise on his face.

"Mhmm, but as you can see, the bullet only grazed me."

"How―"

"Ah, I haven't finished my story. I'll continue, if you don't mind."

Shinra shrugged before proceeding to disinfect the wound.

"I knocked out Kasuka using a shot of M99, and after that someone helped me move him to a secluded area. At that point I turned on the camera and started filming the whole thing so that Shizu-chan could watch it afterwards."

Shinra tensed. _You sadistic bastard._

"Kasuka didn't seem that surprised when he woke up, and he kept his cool even after Slon had him restrained. That time with Shizu-chan... in the alley... I panicked, you know?" he confessed, as much as it pained him to do so. "Kasuka on the other hand didn't beg, didn't even say a word."

Shinra felt his stomach churn.

"I just couldn't believe it!" Izaya exclaimed in awe. "He truly is a magnificent beast... and yet, as I was looking at him, all I could see was myself..."

"You idiot, why did you do if you knew it'd make you so miserable?"

Izaya raised his head and looked into the distance. "It was the only way to hurt Shizu-chan."

"How could you put someone through the same thing knowing how hard it's been on you, especially someone as nice as Kasuka who went as far as to save the life of his brother's enemy just because it was the right thing to do?"

Izaya shrugged.

"This is going to hurt," Shinra warned right before sticking the needle into Izaya's skin with a lot more sadistic pleasure than he had ever expected.

**"Ugh... That hurt!**

"Good!" Shinra hissed and thrust in the needle again. Izaya shrieked this time and tried to move away, but Shinra grabbed him by the nape and pulled him closer until their noses were almost touching, grey eyes staring into red-brown ones. "It's a small price to pay for all the shit you've pulled today, don't you agree?"

Izaya reluctantly nodded, jaw clenched in pain and beads of sweat rolling down the sides of his face.

"I'm glad we're on the same page," Shinra chirped right before he harshly thrust in the needle again.

"Argh! It hur― I'm okay, I'm okay. " Izaya tried to smile, but he couldn't, Shinra's brutal treatment pulverizing his already wrecked nerves. He figured he deserved it, but that thinking still didn't help when the needle came back a fourth time, a pained cry spilling past his bloody lips as the accursed thing perforated his already swollen skin. He was panting heavily, nails digging into his palms hard enough to draw blood. He dared to open an eye and almost immediately regretted it, Shinra's psychotic expression making the blood in his veins freeze. He'd never seen this side of Shinra before, but he knew it existed, and now after finally seeing it, the man somewhat scared him. It truly was a shame that he ended up making its acquaintance while he was at the end of those cold and sadistic fingers. Even the man's smile was unnerving, the eyes hidden behind the reflection in his glasses giving him an eerie look. A shiver ran down Izaya's spine. _Please just finish already!_ "Oh god, just stop please! Stop! **STOP!**" he begged when he couldn't take it anymore, tears threatening to fall out of the corners of his eyes. Shinra stopped and looked at him, the malice behind those grey eyes ― which were staring at him through black-framed glasses ― making him want to run away and hide. Even the numbness from the alcohol was starting to dissolve and be replaced by a somber clarity, his brain finally understanding just how dangerous the doctor was.

"I'm not done yet," Shinra announced, eyes glowing dangerously as they settled on the wound with the intention to continue from where he left off.

"W-wait!" Izaya stuttered while trying to push Shinra away, only to get his hands smacked in return. "Please wait!" he tried again and breathed in relief when Shinra sighed and stopped torturing him. "Let me finish the story before you continue."

Shinra wasn't happy about being interrupted, but he allowed Izaya the respite anyway. "Make it short."

Izaya nodded frantically, relief flooding his senses at hearing the man's words. "I couldn't take it anymore..."

"I don't care," Shinra said, that unnerving smile still present.

"No, no, I meant **that time**... I couldn't take it anymore, I just couldn't stand seeing that... that **brute** getting ready to break Kasuka, so I told him to stop," Izaya hissed, eyes burning with hatred.

Shinra blinked a couple of times, the twisted smile disappearing from his face. "What...?"

"I told Slon to stop, and he just looked at me with this incredulous expression," Izaya continued, his voice trembling a bit, "but he wasn't about to stop simply because I asked him to."

"You told him to stop?!" Shinra asked and held his breath while waiting for the answer.

"I tried to push that monster away from Kasuka, but he punched me in the stomach so hard that I almost passed out. I clung to consciousness with everything I had; I couldn't let him go through with it." The mere memory of it made him sick, his already pale skin turning paler.

"And then...?"

"I pulled out my switchblade, but I was in too much pain to fight efficiently, so when he caught my wrist I dropped it into the palm of my other hand and stabbed him in the eye with it... I've never stabbed anyone in the eye before," Izaya confessed in a voice filled with disgust. "It didn't stop him though. What a monster! He pulled out a gun and shot me, but Kasuka managed to kick it just as he fired, so the bullet only grazed me before flying out of his hand."

Shinra was speechless, the madness that had taken over him earlier slowly ebbing away. He pulled one of Izaya's hands into his own, urging him to continue.

"Kasuka fought to stop him from reaching the gun, and that's how I managed to get my hands on it. I shot him, Shinra, I shot him, but he didn't go down, so I shot him again, and then I grabbed Kasuka and we both ran out of there... we ran, for a long time, the terror of what could've happened in that abandoned building urging us to keep running even after our legs could no longer move... or maybe that was just me, because Kasuka seemed a lot less affected than I was."

"You... you didn't go through with it," Shinra murmured with a gasp. He smiled again, but this time a genuine smile, not like the one that had made Izaya's hair stand on end. "You didn't do it!"

Izaya's voice carried a bit of bitterness as he answered. "I didn't. I'm so weak that I can't even take my revenge on Shizu-chan the way I wanted to!" He snatched his hand from Shinra's hold, his body trembling in both terror and rage. "I couldn't do it!"

Shinra placed his hands on Izaya's shoulders and squeezed gently. "Look at me! Izaya, look at me!"

He couldn't look though, red eyes hiding behind sweaty bangs. He was too upset over what he had tried to do, and equally upset over failing in doing so. He felt like a complete failure.

Shinra grabbed the pointy chin and tilted Izaya's head head up until they were both looking into each other's eyes while he used his other hand to move away some of the black strands covering those pained red eyes. "You did well," he said and then smiled when Izaya's eyes widened at his words before the man pushed him away with a snarl.

"I don't need you to tell me that!" _I'm upset because I did the right thing, you idiot!_ He was Orihara Izaya, and something as simple as doing the wrong thing had never stopped him before. At least he had the consolation of breaking Shizuo into a million pieces, even though it would only be for a few hours. "You know," he added, his voice sounding a bit cheerful this time around, "Shizu-chan probably still thinks that I broke his precious little brother. Ahhh... it felt so nice to hear him cry over the phone. I sent him the tape you know, and I had Celty deliver Kasuka to his apartment after another shot of M99 into his bloodstream. That kid should really learn to not turn his back on me so easily."

Shinra just stared at Izaya. "I don't even..."

Izaya smirked. "He deserved it, and don't you dare tell me otherwise!"

"I won't even bother," Shinra said before going back to sewing the wound.

"WAIT! Please just... just stop torturing me. Give me some painkillers, or something, anything!" There was only so much Izaya could endure at the hands of the mad doctor.

"You can't have painkillers because you were stupid enough to drink."

"Try to be gentle, ne? After all, I saved Kasuka."

"That has nothing to do with me," Shinra said with an innocent smile on his face just before he brutally plunged the needle into flesh again, Izaya's screech not slowing him down in the slightest. It didn't even bother him when Izaya eventually passed out from the pain, because no one fucked with him and got away with it, not even Orihara Izaya. He ran his thumb over the stitched up wound, the knowledge that it would scar taking away some of the rage he felt towards him. "I hope you'll remember this next time you think of playing games with me," he said out loud before grabbing his stuff and leaving a passed out Izaya on the couch.


	18. No Longer The Spectator

**Chapter 18: No Longer The Spectator**

.

It was some sort of morbid curiosity that drove Shinra to check on Shizuo, even though he would've preferred to not see his face again anytime soon. It wasn't like there was a need to go there anyway. As far as he knew, Kasuka was all right, besides sporting a few bruises and a broken wrist, and Shizuo was probably slowly dying on the inside, and that was fine too, because _"the beast,"_ as Izaya loved to call him, completely deserved it.

That wasn't the only reason though. He'd told Celty that he would check on Kasuka, and he always tried to keep his promises when it came to her. He spared her a glance as they walked side by side up to Shizuo's apartment, her tense form reminding him how concerned she was about a man who didn't deserve her worry. Shinra found it ironic that it was his beloved Dullahan's fault that he ended up in a situation where he could ever feel sorry for Izaya or resent Shizuo. She had been the one who told him to make friends and to live a normal life, and because he loved her so much, he'd followed her advice. _And look where that got me..._

Things used to be much easier when Shizuo and Izaya only beat the crap out of each other and went to him to get patched up. He could deal with that. He could deal with the fact that his two friends, if he could even call them that, hated each other's guts, but then that idiot Shizuo destroyed the fine balance that kept them all together and threw everything into chaos. He never even thought he'd care enough to take a side, but seeing Izaya so damaged, and knowing who was the one responsible for said damage, made him angry, and the fact that he felt angry because of another human being, another sentient being that was not Celty, made him feel even angrier, if that even made any sense. He assumed it did, somehow, in some twisted way, at least in his mind anyway.

Celty was supposed to be the only one who mattered to him, but he had gotten used to Izaya's presence over the years, and seeing the confident bastard change in the blink of an eye ticked him off for some reason. It was easy to deal with the usual Izaya, but this new, damaged Izaya was unpredictable, and he hated how he ended up witnessing the man's anguish first hand, as well as that despair which drove Izaya to threaten him with a gun just to make him understand what it was like to lose control. He could still remember his heartbeat increasing, his body going cold, and even though a part of him kept telling himself that Izaya could not be serious about it, his body still recognized the danger and reacted on its own. Yes, he understood just a bit better now, and that's exactly why he was pissed off at Izaya. He shouldn't have been bothered by any of it, because just as Izaya himself had said, he wasn't supposed to care. _You're a fool, Shinra, that's what you are,_ he told himself just before he stopped in front of Shizuo's apartment.

Celty knocked on the door a few times before typing on her PDA and showing it to Shinra. [ I should've brought Kasuka to our place instead of doing what Izaya hired me to do. ]

Shinra's heart skipped a beat when she said_ "our place"_, but he figured that it wasn't the time nor the place to allow his fantasies free reign over his mind, so he squashed them down and stared at the door for a few moments before turning his attention back to her. "I don't think Shizuo is going to open the door."

Celty nodded, shadows slithering from underneath her helmet and seeping into the keyhole, twisting and turning around until she heard the click which told her they could go inside.

[ Perhaps I should go in first, ] she suggested and moved to go in, the bad blood between Shinra and Shizuo no longer a secret. She had a feeling that sparks would come out flying the second the two men saw each other.

Shinra grabbed her arm and pulled her back and behind him. "I'll go in first." He figured that she thought he was stupid, or crazy, or both... like she would ever need his protection, but he didn't care. _I have to protect you from this, from the truth._ He was certain that she wanted to argue, but his stern look stopped any complaints she might've had. He would keep it from her no matter what, even if the price for his silence was that she kept being Shizuo's friend. _Sometimes ignorance truly is a bliss._

He pressed the doorknob and opened the door slowly, his eyes going wide at the sight of Shizuo sitting on the floor and holding an unconscious Kasuka to his chest not even two steps away from them. They both walked inside, but the image was so surreal that Shinra froze for a few moments, unable to decide how that made him feel. He had never seen Shizuo so... _so what?_ He didn't even know what word to use in order to accurately describe Shizuo's expression as the man gently ran his hand down Kasuka's back over and over again. _Broken? Pained?_ No, that wasn't it._Ah, dead inside,_ he finally realized, those golden eyes ― now a few shades darker ― staring into nothingness.

He leaned forward a bit, to have a closer look, but Shizuo didn't even seem to notice his presence. It made sense, considering how Shizuo thought that the person he cared about the most in the entire world ended up suffering the same fate he himself had inflicted upon Izaya. Was it wrong to enjoy seeing him so broken? It was only fair that Shizuo got to break too. Had Izaya succeeded, Shinra could almost think of it as some sort of divine punishment, but that was not a fate he wished upon Kasuka, even though Shizuo should've suffered for far longer than the few hours he would be led to believe that Kasuka had truly been raped.

He knew very well that it was cruel, and the old him who shared many happy memories with Shizuo hated to see him like this, but neither of them could be their old selves anymore, and he would never again be able to look at the man with anything else besides contempt. _Why did you fall prey to your rage in such a manner? You've destroyed everything; you've irreparably ruined the dynamics holding the four of us together._ He hated Shizuo for it, almost as much as he loathed him for what he had done to Izaya. Perhaps he was being selfish, but he didn't really care.

His eyes drifted to Celty, her tense form speaking volumes about how disturbed she was after seeing Shizuo so broken. She obviously knew it was Izaya's fault, the shadowy smoke simmering around her body a clear indicator of her barely suppressed rage.

[ I'm going to kill him! ] she typed on her PDA with such hate and fury that he was surprised the gadget didn't break in her hands.

"We'll talk about it later," he said softly, not wanting to startle Shizuo. The last thing he needed was for Celty to go after Izaya when the Informant was one step away from a mental breakdown. The man was a bastard, sure, but even Shinra could tell that Izaya had suffered enough. _Perhaps I shouldn't have left him alone,_ he thought, the ride to Shizuo's apartment cooling off some of his madness, but then the PDA was shoved in his face and he had no choice but to read it.

[ Just look at what he did to Shizuo! ]

_It's nothing compared to what this monster did to Izaya,_ but he couldn't exactly tell her that. Everything was so frustrating, and all he wanted to do was to go home and forget it ever happened, or that he had ever known two crazy people going by the names of Orihara Izaya and Heiwajima Shizuo. He had Celty, and that was all he needed; too bad she didn't feel the same way about him. "I think Izaya already got his punishment, so there's no need for you to inflict more damage," he told her, but she didn't seem to listen, some of her black smoke snapping back and forth like an angry cat's tail.

He tilted his head and took a better look at Shizuo. The tear streaks on his cheeks and the red sclera of the eye were a strange thing to see on the face of Ikebukuro's strongest. He focused his attention on Kasuka, the broken right wrist immediately standing out even though it was covered by the fur of Izaya's jacket. He didn't know whether to admire Izaya for his ingenious cruelty or to feel just a tiny bit of pity towards Shizuo, but either way, Shizuo had to let go of Kasuka in order for him to take a better look at the broken appendage. "Shizuo," he said softly, but there was no reaction. "Shizuo!" he repeated, this time much louder, and for a fraction of a second, he thought he saw Shizuo glance at him. "SHIZUO! Snap out of it," he nearly shouted, but even that turned out to be fruitless. It was only when he gave the man a jab on the shoulder that Shizuo's eyes seemed to change their focus, dark golden orbs zero-ing in on him, the emptiness of that stare giving him the chills. _Even you can break, huh?_


	19. A Beautiful Lie

**Chapter 19: A Beautiful Lie**

.

Shizuo had always been able to handle pain ― or at least that's what he used to think ― but pain comes in many forms, and while he could easily manage the physical aspect of it ― he was a monster after all ― the pain he felt while holding Kasuka's damaged body to his chest was a sort of agony that he had never felt before. Izaya's cruel words had repeatedly stabbed his heart as though they were hot, sharp knives meant to bleed him dry, but then he saw Kasuka in Celty's arms, body covered in bruises, and that's when the remainder of his heart got obliterated. All he could feel now was a black hole where the organ used to reside, an endless darkness in which he was rapidly drowning.

His arms held the unconscious form tighter, as though he was afraid he would lose more of Kasuka than he already had. Kasuka was kind and fragile, his complete opposite, and someone like that didn't deserve to go through something so horrible as to what Shizuo himself had put Izaya through. He could still clearly hear Kasuka scream in pain as Slon broke his wrist, a foreign sound that he couldn't remember ever hearing before. His little brother never cried, never complained, and had never been scared before, not even when he should've been fearful of all the things his older brother could end up doing to him in a fit of blind rage. Kasuka had trusted him even when Shizuo didn't trust himself.

_"Aren't you scared of me?"_ he remembered asking him one scorching summer day when they were leaning against a fence while eating some icecream. The first time he lost himself to his rage had been when Kasuka ate his pudding, and because of that he always had this terrifying thought that next time when he got angry he would really end up hurting his little brother.

_What if next time there are no more broken bones to stop me from throwing something at him,_ was the question always plaguing his young mind._What then?_ And that thought used to scare him more than anything in the world.

And he also remembered Kasuka turning his head towards him ― a tiny smile that most people wouldn't even be able to notice gracing those lips smeared with the vanilla icecream his little brother seemed to enjoy so much ― and answering with an indifferent, _"No,"_ in the most monotone voice Shizuo had ever heard before continuing with a question of his own, _"Why do you always ask me the same question?"_

_Because you should be,_ and yet he couldn't bring himself to say it. Instead he shrugged and went back to eating his own icecream, Kasuka only staring at him with those half-closed eyes of his for a few more seconds before doing the same.

_You never thought you could get hurt, huh, but look at you now._ Shinra absently ran his hand down the surely bruised back. _It hurts a lot, doesn't it?_It has to. _Did you cry and beg him to stop, or did you fight with everything you had to keep quiet, just like Izaya did?_ The flea had never asked him to stop, the little pained whimpers slipping past those bloody lips being the only reward he got for his efforts in trying to ruin the man. Izaya had only complained about his stabbed leg, and only now did Shizuo realize how strong the flea had remained throughout the events of that dreadful night. He almost wished that Izaya had cried and begged him to stop, because then perhaps he wouldn't have hurt him as much.

_I hope you begged, little brother,_ because if Slon was anything like him, the man would have also wanted to hear his victim scream, and nothing would've stopped him from accomplishing his goal. Slon was big, much bigger than Shizuo in every way, and even though the man didn't possess the same strength, it was enough to hurt Kasuka just as much as he had hurt Izaya. He felt his stomach churn at the thought of how that monster had ripped Kasuka apart, how he must've enjoyed it, _just like how I enjoyed breaking Izaya,_ and the agony and disgust his precious little brother had surely felt as Slon kept forcing himself into his unwilling body. _Izaya must've felt the same way..._

His hand stilled for a moment, a waft of both Kasuka and Izaya's smell filling his nostrils. The flea knew exactly what he was doing, dressing Kasuka in his clothes and forcing him to remember all the pain and suffering he'd caused him that night. He could never forget the flea's smell, something sharp and dangerous, _something Izaya._ Kasuka on the other hand smelled sweet. _You must've eaten pudding again,_ and he almost smiled at that thought, but then his expression turned grim when he remembered Kasuka's split lip and the coppery, nauseating smell of Izaya's blood. His stomach turned upside down. _Blood, so much of it... too much of it._ Not at all surprising, considering he tore into the much smaller body like a beast. Once disarmed, Izaya hadn't stood a change, and it was ironic that although Shizuo hated violence, all he seemed to be capable of doing was exactly that.

Kasuka fought well too, much better than Shizuo ever expected, but that still hadn't been enough._Did you think of me while you went through that hell? Did you pray I would show up and save you, or did you hate me for being the cause of it all? I think it was the second, wasn't it? You cursed me, I am sure, you must've wished I had never been born,_ he thought, and with that another piece of him disappeared into the black abyss that used to be his heart. Perhaps that was the only reason why he wasn't bringing down the whole apartment building in a fit of blind fury, because underneath the deceptive calm, despair was all he felt. It was the sort of despair rooting him to the spot and making him unable to react in any way besides clinging to Kasuka's unconscious form. He remembered Kasuka's words,_"I'll always be on your side,"_ but surely that was no longer the case._How could you ever be on my side again after paying the price for my mista―_

_Huh?_

A ripple, something disturbing the almost perpetual darkness in his mind. _What―_

"Shizuo?"

"Shin― ra?" he spoke softly, voice breaking. "Kasu―" he tried, but he couldn't even say his little brother's name, not when the guilt was squeezing the life out of him. He didn't even have the right to touch him anymore, yet he couldn't let go, his fingers holding even tighter onto the figure clad in Izaya's fur-trimmed coat. "Ka―" he tried again, but this time that one syllable was followed by a heartwrenching sob.

"I need you to let go so that I can have a look at him," Shinra said, wincing a bit when Shizuo only held Kasuka tighter. _The idiot is going to crush him._ "I'm not going to hurt him," he said, but Shizuo only gave him a tormented look before resting his cheek on top of Kasuka's head, strong fingers now running through silky brown locks with a tenderness that shouldn't have belonged to the same person who left all those injuries on Izaya's body. The contrast was uncanny to say the least.

Shizuo knew that Shinra hated him because of what he had done to Izaya, and that was exactly why he couldn't allow the doctor to touch Kasuka, but when he felt a gentle hand touch his shoulder, he raised tearful eyes and saw Celty's PDA hovering in front of his face.

[ Shizuo, please let us help him! ]

Celty didn't know what he had done, but Shizuo was certain that she too would abandon him if she ever found out. _Of course she would,_ he was a monster after all, a much bigger monster than she could ever be. _And I'm supposed to be human..._

[ Shinra is only going to have a look at the broken wrist. ]

Shizuo still wasn't convinced though. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "I don't..." and he looked at Shinra through eyes blurred by tears. "I don't trust him."

Shinra merely shrugged, not at all offended by the remark. "You never trusted me to begin with."

[ Even if you don't trust Shinra, you know you can trust me, ] Celty tried again.

Shizuo removed his hand from Kasuka's hair.

[ If he tries anything funny, I'm going to kill him myself. ]

Shinra took a step towards the door. "You know, I can always just leave."

Shizuo grabbed the doctor's wrist. "Wait! Just... just wait, ok?" He realized his mistake though, and released the man, not before cringing when a disgusted glare was thrown his way. _Right._ "Give me a second," he said before forcing himself to let go of Kasuka. "Be careful," he then added and waited until Celty nodded before he unclenched the fingers holding onto the fur-trimmed coat and allowed the two of them to carry Kasuka to the couch. He would've done it himself, but he didn't even have the confidence to walk, let alone carry someone. He held his breath while they laid Kasuka down, and then finally breathed in relief when they were done moving him. He couldn't remember the simple act of walking ever being such a hard thing to accomplish, but the desperate need to be closer to Kasuka pushed his body forward, those few unsteady steps towards the unconscious form feeling like the longest distance he ever had to cross.

"This needs a cast," Shinra said once he freed Kasuka's arm from the confines of the coat and took a look at the swollen wrist. He could've taken Izaya's coat off completely, but for some sadistic reason he decided against it._Seeing your brother like this must hurt a lot... good!_ Shizuo had no idea how hard it had been on Izaya, how hard it still was. Shinra had witnessed some of it, and even that was more than he ever wanted to see or know. He could still clearly remember the day when Izaya showed up at his doorstep after the altercation with the Awakusu-Kai, those sunken cheeks and hollow eyes scaring him more than the broken rib ever could. Izaya hadn't been as lucky as Kasuka though, no one had saved him, and he also remembered the man's voice dripping venom as he said, _"It's easy for you to judge when you weren't the one who got fucked into the ground by that beast."_ He finally understood, if only a bit, because just being in the same room with Shizuo ― and knowing what the man had done ― made his skin crawl. _I really don't want to be here,_he thought and then sighed before he turned towards Shizuo. "I can't do anything about it here, but I can wrap it up tightly with bandages until he wakes up and goes to a hospital."

Shizuo nodded weakly. "Do whatever you can."

"I always do," he chirped before his voice took a more serious tone while he glared at Shizuo. "I patched up an almost dying Izaya, so Kasuka won't be a problem."

Shizuo flinched and turned away from the scrutinizing look, feeling completely ashamed for what he had done. _I know that already! I know what I did to Izaya, and to you, so please, please stop looking at me like that!_

Shinra sneered before he turned his attention back to Kasuka and proceeded to wrap the broken wrist. "What are you going to do about this, about Kasuka?" He had a feeling that the idiot would go after Izaya.

Shizuo's whole body shook with rage.**"Kill,"** he answered, eyes burning with hatred, finally understanding who was the person responsible for everything.

Shinra's head snapped in his direction. **"Don't you dare,"** he warned, hands balled into fists.

**"KILL,"** Shizuo repeated as he took out Izaya's switchblade from the pocket of his pants, the same one he'd snatched from the flea that night in the alley, and the same one he had plunged with sadistic pleasure into that pale, quivering thigh. He always kept it with him as a reminder of what kind of a monster he was, just in case he ever dared to forget.

Shinra jumped to his feet, glaring murder at the beast before him. "If you touch Izaya again, I'm going to kill you myself!"

Shizuo ignored him, deaf and blind to everything around him. _I'm going to kill the one who caused all of this!_ He remembered his own words from that time when he'd ran into Izaya at Shinra's apartment, _"all your fault, everything is your fucking fault!"_ _Hah, what a joke! _ He raised the switchblade and looked at Shinra with a crazed expression on his face. "The one who's responsible for everything ― I'm going to fucking kill him!" he growled before he put his other hand on the switchblade's handle and aimed it with all the speed and strength he could muster into the black hole that used to be his heart, because the one who was responsible for everything was none other than himself. **"Die!"** he snarled, but the blade was stopped before it reached its target, black smoke successfully binding his arms and body. He ignored it though, his mind set on only one thing, _KillkillkillkillKILLKILLKILL,_ and he kept pushing it in, the tip of the switchblade slowly sinking into his flesh, blood starting to trickle down the grey t-shirt he was wearing.

Celty panicked once she realizing that her power was not enough to stop him, so she grabbed his wrists with her hands and tried to pull them away, desperately wishing that she had her head so that she could talk him out of it. She tilted her helmet towards Shinra, hoping that he would understand and somehow help her out because she didn't want Shizuo to die. _PLEASE DO SOMETHING!_

Shinra was frozen on the spot, too shocked about what he was seeing to react in any way, but then he saw Celty ask for help and he forced his numb body to move. He grabbed the man's wrists and tried to pull away his hands, watching in horror as the blade kept sinking in deeper and deeper despite their combined efforts. The man truly was a monster. "SHIZUO! **SHIZUO!**" he shouted, but there was no reaction from his former friend. He couldn't let the bastard die, he wouldn't let him break Celty's heart. "YOU COWARD! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO KILL YOURSELF?" he snarled, and he knew that Shizuo was faltering in his actions because he could finally see the bloody tip of the switchblade just above the tainted and sliced t-shirt.

Shizuo looked at both of them, eyes filled with confusion, as though such a thought had never even crossed his mind. "I'm not― That's not what I'm trying to do!" he said, voice cracking. He remembered Izaya's words, _"all of it is on you, beast!"_ and for once he was in agreement with the flea, so he was merely trying to kill the one responsible for everything.

"You can't run away from this! **You don't have the right!**" Shinra continued, finding it really hard to speak while putting all of his strength into stopping Shizuo from ending his pathetic existence. That and the whole thing was disturbing him in a way he couldn't describe, and he didn't know exactly how it made him feel, but happy was not it.

"I need to die!" Shizuo whined pathetically. "**EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!**" he snarled in contempt. It had never been the flea's fault, because all of it was on him, just as Izaya had said back then at Shinra's apartment. It had been much easier to blame his victim for the mistakes he committed instead of admitting his guilt, and that's why he'd been in denial ever since it happened. Not anymore though, because now he saw it for what it was: **_a beautiful lie._** Nothing more, just a lie he kept telling himself because he was too much of a coward to handle the consequences of his actions.

"Please stop, you're upsetting Celty!" Shinra tried, hoping that he would wake him up from his madness enough to realize what he was doing to his friend. If Shizuo really succeeded in killing himself, Celty would forever blame herself for failing to stop him, and that's why Shinra couldn't let that happen. "You have to keep living so that the two of them may one day forgive you."_Oh wait, nothing happened to Kasuka._ "Besides, nothing happen―"

**"NII-SAN!"** they all heard Kasuka scream and snapped their heads in his direction, only to see him trying to get up, and then failing and falling back on the couch. "What are you trying to do, nii-san?" he continued, scared out of his mind after witnessing his brother trying to kill himself and not getting any answer from the three frozen people that were inside the apartment with him.

Shizuo's strength instantly vanished, both his arms getting pulled away the next second, the switchblade falling from his hands. _Nononono, why did you have to wake up now? Please don't move... please just stay there... you must be in so much pain... _His eyes filled with tears again and he collapsed on his knees once he was released, hands gripping his dyed locks in despair. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Sorry! Sorry! SORRY! **SORRY!**"

Shinra immediately kicked the blade away from sight and helped Kasuka up before grabbing Celty's arm and pulling her out of the apartment, knowing that it was best to leave the two brothers alone.

Kasuka walked on unsteady legs towards the trembling form of his brother, the sight tearing his heart apart. He raised his left hand and tried to run his fingers through the blond locks, but Shizuo recoiled from the touch as though he'd been burned. _What― happened?_


	20. Heartshaped Abyss

**Chapter 20: Heartshaped Abyss**

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"Nii-san," Kasuka spoke softly, but instead of raising his head and looking at him, Shizuo recoiled at the sound as though he'd been whipped. _I've never seen him cry before,_ he thought dejectedly. He didn't know what to do, especially when he was still somewhat confused about how he ended up in his brother's apartment. The last thing he remembered was getting out of the taxi he was sharing with Izaya, and walking away without sparing the man a second glance, his mind set on getting home and taking a long, relaxing bath. He shook his head to get rid of the memory and turned his attention back to Shizuo. "Please look at me!"

Shizuo didn't even dare raise his head to look Kasuka in the eyes, not when he knew what his little brother had been through. "Everything is my fault! I'm sorry!" He was a coward, he knew it, because he remembered seeing the terror in Izaya's eyes that night, and it crushed him to know that Kasuka most likely had that same look in his eyes. He finally understood now. He understood Izaya with such clarity that it physically hurt, and he loathed himself more than anything in the world knowing he had been the one to put the man through such hell. _How could I be so cruel? How could I ever blame him for what happened?_ Both Izaya and Kasuka were innocent, and both of them had been ruined because of him, and that was exactly why he deserved to die a slow and extremely painful death for his sins, hopefully by the hands of the two people whose lives he ruined.

"Nii-san, how did I get here?" Kasuka asked, hoping that Shizuo would stop apologizing for a second to answer his question. He didn't. "Nii-san, please, snap out of it!" he tried again, hoping to find out why Shizuo was crying so that he could fix it.

"I'm sorry," Shizuo said again in-between sobs.

"Nii-san, plea―"

"Sorry!"

"NII-SAN!" Kasuka tried again with no success. He knew he had to do something, but he didn't know how to reach out to Shizuo. He tried to grab his brother's right wrist, but Shizuo once again recoiled from the touch before backing away until he hit the wall. Kasuka tilted his head and pondered the situation for a moment before gingerly kneeling on the floor in front of the broken creature that used to be his brother. Everything hurt, especially his throbbing right wrist, but he took comfort knowing that it could've been much worse. _Much, much worse_. What he had felt was disgust, and he didn't remember ever experiencing it with such intensity. _I almost got..._ and here he stopped his train of thoughts, not because of what could've happened, but because of the knowledge that Shizuo had actually done such an atrocious thing to Izaya. And yet... _I can't abandon him. He needs me._ "Nii-san," he tried again.

"SORRY!"

"Stop saying that!"

"I'M SORRY!"

"HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO!" Kasuka shouted.

Shizuo flinched and raised his head, never expecting to get slapped, hard. _What―_

Kasuka watched Shizuo's stunned expression for a second before grabbing the trembling jaw in an attempt to force him to pay attention to what he was saying.

More tears ran down Shizuo's cheeks, a pathetic whimper slipping past his lips. Kasuka had never hit him before, which meant that his little brother hated him so much that he wanted to physically hurt him. "H-hit me," he said in a shaky voice, his eyes fixed on Kasuka's split lip instead of those brown, pained orbs. "I deserve it."

"That's not what―"

"Hurt me! Break me! Kill me! I deserve all of that and much more!" he nearly shouted, his entire body shaking, shivering, suddenly feeling more cold than he could ever remember feeling. "I'm no different than the monster who..." He couldn't continue though, not when that simple word would make everything so much more real and terrifying.

Kasuka's brows slightly furrowed. "Why would I..." If Shizuo was talking about what he thought he was, then... "How do you even know about what happened?"

Shizuo nearly choked on another sob. "Izaya showed m-me the video―"

"Oh no..." Kasuka said weakly and lost his grip on Shizuo's jaw, eyes going wide. "You saw that?"

Shizuo nodded frantically, shivering even harder than before. He lowered his head again and raised his hands, wanting to touch Kasuka, only to drop them, knowing that he had no right to ever touch him again.

Kasuka cringed just slightly, feeling embarrassed that his brother ended up seeing the video. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have followed Izaya. I'm sorry."

Shizuo froze, too shocked that Kasuka would apologize for something he had no control over. He raised his head, and for the first time since Kasuka woke up, he looked him straight in the eyes. "Never say that again! It wasn't your fault. The victim is never at fault. You fought well, I... I saw. Not your fault..."

"Nor is it yours. I'll be fine."

"It is my fault, and you'll never be fine!" Izaya was not fine either. Izaya was broken, terrified, hurt, all because of him, just like his little brother.

Kasuka raised his left hand to cup Shizuo's wet cheek, but Shizuo flinched, a part of him thinking that he would get hit again. Kasuka didn't hit him though, and that crushed Shizuo even more, because he deserved to be punished for his sins. He knew that he shouldn't, but he nuzzled into the warm palm anyway. _It might be the last time I get to feel your gentle touch..._

"Nii-san, please stop crying," Kasuka nearly begged. He couldn't stand seeing him looking so defeated.

"I can't help it," Shizuo said brokenly. "You were... y-you were... r-raped because of me."

Kasuka stood stock still._ WHAT?!_ Ah, but if that was what Shizuo believed, then everything made perfect sense. Gently, he captured Shizuo's chin and stared into the mocha eyes. "I was not raped," he said sternly.

Shizuo's heart skipped a beat, eyes wide and filled with both hope and fear while he wondered if his little brother was only saying it so that he could make him feel better.

"I don't know what Izaya told you, but nothing like that happened," Kasuka continued and hoped that Shizuo believed him.

"But I saw the video," Shizuo whispered, voice barely audible, heart hammering inside his ribcage, "I saw Slon―"

"You were deceived."

"How...?"

Kasuka gave him a sympathetic look, finally realizing why Shizuo would try to end his life. He ran his fingers through the blonde locks, feeling an overwhelming need to comfort him. "Izaya stopped Slon and saved me."

Shizuo's mouth fell open. "Izaya― saved you?"

Kasuka nodded and pulled Shizuo into a hug.

Shizuo's fingers desperately clutched the black t-shirt, wanting really hard to believe him. "You're lying," he whimpered pathetically.

"I wouldn't lie about something like this!" Kasuka tightened his hold on Shizuo, feeling every tremor in that strong body that could easily snap a person in two if his brother chose to do so. Slon was strong, but he was nothing compared to Shizuo, and yet he hadn't been able to fight him off. He should've fought harder, and because he hadn't, Shizuo almost ended up losing his life. He felt his stomach churn in disgust and he shuddered at the memory, wishing that he could forever erase it from his mind. Shizuo's forehead was resting on his chest, those strong hands gripping the black material of his t-shirt with heartbreaking agony. _Wait, what― These are not my clothes._ He hadn't noticed before, but now that he had, he immediately recognized them. "Let me take this off," he said, hoping that Shizuo would let him go so that he could at least take off the coat hanging from his right shoulder.

Shizuo shook his head and tightly wrapped an arm around Kasuka's back. "Leave it," he said, voice trembling. He wanted to believe Kasuka so badly, but he was still afraid that it was nothing more than a lie told by his brother in order to make him feel less guilty about everything. _But what if... I need to know._ He slowly unclenched the fingers holding onto the black material and helped Kasuka slip his other hand out of Izaya's coat. He then grabbed the lower part of the t-shirt before slowly pulling it up and letting the clothing article drop next to him on the floor.

Kasuka watched him, wondering what Shizuo was trying to do. "Nii-san...?"

"I need to... c-check something." He knew his voice was trembling, hell, his teeth were chattering, but he had to see it with his own eyes, otherwise he wouldn't be able to believe it.

_I don't want to see this,_ thought Kasuka, the bruises on his chest and stomach reminding him of how easily it had been for Slon to immobilize him. "Nii-san, please..."

Shizuo checked the shoulders first before raising his head and looking him in the eyes. "I'm not going to hurt you. I only want to see if there are any bruises on your hips."

"There aren't," Kasuka rushed to answer, but he realized that Shizuo didn't believe him when his brother unbuckled the belt and dipped a finger past the waistband of his pants before slowly pulling down the material from his left hip. "Nii-san, I swear, nothing like that happened!"

"Don't― talk."

Kasuka closed his eyes, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious.

"Nothing here," said Shizuo, his voice filled with hope. He remembered how hard he had grabbed Izaya's hips that night, so it only made sense that Slon would do the same. _To get leverage, _and it made him sick to even think why he knew such a thing._ I really am a monster. _His honey-colored eyes further darkened, the regret he felt in regard to what he had done to Izaya almost suffocating him.

"I told you already, nothing happened!" Kasuka tried again, but his words fell on deaf ears.

Shizuo ignored him and did the same thing to Kasuka's right hip, a sigh leaving his dry lips when he saw no bruise in the shape of a palm or fingers. "You're not lying to me, right?" he asked, still not one hundred percent convinced that nothing happened. It was hard to believe that Izaya would arrange the whole thing only to save Kasuka at the last moment.

"Nii-san, I swear, nothing happened beyond me getting my ass kicked. Oh, I don't think I phrased that right, but you know what I mean." He picked up the shirt and tried to put it on, struggling with it for a bit until Shizuo grabbed it and snatched it from his hand.

"I'm going to give you one of my t-shirts," he said and moved to get up, only to get pulled back down by Kasuka.

"I would rather wear this."

Shizuo gave him a strange look.

"Nii-san, please don't hurt yourself like that again," he nearly pleaded, and he had a feeling that he would probably never be able to erase from his mind the sight of Shizuo trying to sink that knife into his heart. If it hadn't been for Shinra and Celty, then... _then you would've died._

Shizuo winced, feeling extremely guilty for traumatizing his little brother with such an unsightly display. "I'm sorry, I never wanted you to see that, but the thought of that monster doing to you what I did to Izaya―"

Kasuka didn't let him finish and instead pulled him into a hug. "I know that you are sorry."

Shizuo hugged him back, relief flooding both his exhausted mind and body.

"Even if I would've really gotten hurt, I still wouldn't want to see you dead," Kasuka tried to reassure him.

Shizuo shook his head. "Trust me when I say that you would've hated me." Kasuka was naive if he thought that things wouldn't have changed after such a traumatizing experience. The only reason he could still touch him without Kasuka not flinching away or feeling disgusted was because Slon didn't get to finish what he started.

"I could never hate you," Kasuka told him, his tone leaving no room for argument. He wasn't one to go back on his word, which meant that even if Izaya hadn't stopped Slon, he would've still not hated Shizuo because he had made the promise to always be on his side. "Besides," he added, feeling a bit better now that he was finally safe in Shizuo's apartment, "I'm here with you now, so let's not think about what could've happened."

"Perhaps I should have Shinra take a look at you, just to be sure," Shizuo said, still somewhat afraid that it was all a lie.

Kasuka pushed him away. "I've never lied to you before! Why would I start now?" He got up and walked to the kitchen to get a glass a water before coming back and sitting on the couch. He watched Shizuo, who was still sitting on the floor, looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face. He sighed loudly.

Shizuo had watched him carefully, to see if he was limping, but it didn't look like Kasuka had any problems walking. He breathed in relief and finally allowed himself to relax. Kasuka wasn't lying after all. "Can I... can I not punish Izaya for what happened today?" It was true that Izaya had been the one who got Kasuka hurt, but the man would've never done so had it not been for what Shizuo had done to him that night.

Kasuka gazed at him, that usual blank look back on his face. "Nii-san, I would be mad at you if you would even consider doing anything to him."

"Thank you," Shizuo said before he grabbed Izaya's t-shirt and got up as well. Moving towards Kasuka, he helped him put it on; if that was what Kasuka wanted, who was he to argue? He did however cringe when he remembered his own bloody t-shirt. He also needed to patch that self-inflicted wound. "I'll be right back."

"Ok," said Kasuka and tried to find a more comfortable position on the couch.

Shizuo went to his room and pulled a t-shirt from the drawer before he went into the bathroom to clean the cut. He took off his grey t-shirt to inspect the damage, but seeing how the wound was not that serious, he only applied a simple strip bandage after cleaning it with some water. He stared at his reflection in the mirror for a bit, cringing at the sight of his swollen red-rimmed eyes. He washed his face and ran a shaky hand through his hair. _Izaya, what were you thinking? Why did you save him, _he couldn't help but wonder. He stayed like that for a while, just looking at his reflection in the mirror before he walked away and went back to Kasuka.

"Will that be enough?" Kasuka asked, his eyes fixed on the strip bandage.

"It looked worse than it was," Shizuo assured him as he put on the clean t-shirt. He sat down next to Kasuka and pulled him into a hug, and even after he felt Kasuka wince, he still didn't let go; he couldn't. "I'm going to kill Slon."

"I think Izaya beat you to it."

"Huh?" Shizuo exclaimed, dumbfounded.

"He didn't want to back off, so Izaya shot him."

Shizuo tightened his grip around Kasuka. "I'm glad that he did."

Kasuka nodded. _I'm glad to be here with you,_ he thought just before he allowed his body to finally relax.

.

.

_**A/N:** Murasa: Thank you. :)_


	21. A Poisoned Gift

Chaper 21: A Poisoned Gift

.

Izaya's eyes flung wide open, a single thought flooding his mind:

_**BATHROOM!**_

He jumped to his feet and ran upstairs, the burning need to relieve himself making him forget about the injuries his body had sustained earlier that day. He almost screamed in frustration as he fumbled with the belt, hands shaking as he yanked the zipper of his pants and pulled out his member, a satisfied sigh escaping his dry lips as his bladder gradually emptied, the pain in his nether regions ebbing away only to be replaced by a splitting headache. Once finished, he tucked himself away and walked towards the sink on unsteady legs.

"Ugh... what happe―"

His body tensed, bits and pieces of his meeting with Shinra brutally slamming through the haze that had settled over his mind. His hands froze under the cold water, the image of a terrified Shinra leaving him weak at the knees. _Did I―_

**"NO!"** he screeched in a totally uncharacteristic way while turning off the faucet with trembling hands. He rubbed his temples for a while before he raised his head to gaze at his reflection in the mirror, the sight of the dried blood on his face and throat making him gasp in surprise. He stared blankly at it for a while, the memory of Shinra repeatedly punching him in the face and breaking his nose quickly coming back to him. _Oh..._

He remembered threatening him with a gun and ordering him to take his clothes off, which was terrible in itself, but that wasn't what pained him to remember. No, what really squeezed his heart in a vice-grip was the memory of Shinra looking at him as though he had been betrayed by the only human he had made the mistake of caring about. Izaya felt ashamed. _How could I do that to him,_ he thought dejectedly as he washed his face, but he ended up cringing when his eyes fell on the sewed up injury. A blind person could've done a better job, which meant that Shinra had obviously wanted the thing to scar. He should've known that drinking would be a bad idea, but he wasn't exactly expecting visitors, so he figured that drinking would numb him enough to stop the flashbacks from bombarding his already brittle sanity. _What's so wrong with wanting to forget?_

He wiped his face with a towel and left the bathroom, his mind set on getting rid of any sake he had left. He picked up the opened bottle he didn't get to finish before passing out and poured the remaining alcohol into the sink, glaring at the liquid as it flowed down the drain. With that out of the way, he picked up one of his many phones and called Shinra.

_"Hello?"_

"It's me, Izaya," he said and held his breath as the silence stretched between them.

_"I'm sorry, I don't know anyone by that name,"_ Shinra replied in an apparently cheerful tone, but Izaya could feel the coldness behind it, and he felt a chill running down his spine when he remembered the man's crazed expression as the doctor kept torturing him.

"You can't possibly be ser―" Izaya started, but he ended up losing his voice when the man ended the call.

He stayed like that for a long time, hand gripping the phone so tightly that his knuckles turned white. _No! You can't do this me now!_

Izaya knew that he wasn't the nicest person around, and while he did have a few fans, mainly disturbed teenage girls who thought they loved him, none of them knew the real him. What they obsessed over was not him. What they saw was nothing more than the carefully crafted image it had taken him years to perfect, just a masterfully designed mask for his humans to both fear and admire him, and because of it they thought he was indestructible. Shinra however knew the real him, the sometimes petty, insane, lonely Informant who loved humanity but received no love in return. Shinra knew that he could break, had seen him break, and instead of kicking him while he was down, like most humans would've done, he'd done everything in his power to get him back on his feet and even went as far as to protect him in more than one occasion. Such was the person he had betrayed. For the first time in his life, Izaya felt extremely guilty.

Still, he couldn't let it end like that. He shoved the phone into the pocket of his pants and went upstairs to put on a clean t-shirt. He grabbed the keys on the way to the door, slipped into his coat and headed for the Fukutoshin subway station. He wasn't sure what he was going to tell the man once he got there, but he would use the time it took to get from Shinjuku to Ikebukuro to think of a way to apologize.

Going out felt strange, and a bit terrifying, because each time he went to Ikebukuro he risked running into Shizuo. If the beast didn't kill him the next time they ran into each other...

_I'd rather die than go through that again, _he wanted to say, but he knew that he'd rather live no matter what.

He shivered at the thought, already regretting his decision of deleting the video he took of Slon and Kasuka. His plan hadn't worked out the way he wanted, but the video could've still been used as means of protection against Shizuo's wrath. _Orihara Izaya, how could you make so many mistakes in one day?_ Then again, he could always bluff and see how far that got him.

He ignored the strange looks people gave him as he stepped into the subway and moved to sit at the back of the wagon. He felt tired, and his entire body was hurting, but he couldn't afford to rest, not before talking to Shinra. After the doctor had saved his life on more than one occasion, as well as going as far as to use his own body to shield him from an incoming attack, Izaya had not once thanked him. _Orihara Izaya, you're such a horrible human being._ The thing was that he used to be more than just a human before Shizuo shattered both his body and mind, but that was no longer the case, and he hated the beast for it. For him to be reduced to just a man... _Shizu-chan, I hate you so much._ The old Izaya was ruthless when it came to revenge, yet the new one―the human one―wasn't even capable of utterly crushing the monster that had reduced him to such a pathetic creature. _And I was so close..._

By the time he reached Ikebukuro he felt like he was about to throw up, the nausea he felt until then getting much worse. He paused just before leaving the station, the thought that Shizuo was somewhere nearby making a shiver run down his spine. He hadn't been to Ikebukuro alone since that day when he left Shinra's apartment, and each time he came back after that he'd been accompanied by Slon, the two of them working on trying to find the Awakusu-Kai spies. _Hopefully, Shizu-chan is too busy begging Kasuka for forgiveness to worry about me._

Out of nowhere, he heard his phone ring and he picked it up.

_"Oi, brat, are you messing with me?"_

"Excuse me?"

_"I've been calling you for hours now. Why didn't you answer?"_

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear the phone ring," Izaya admitted cringing. "Did you―"

_"No."_

Izaya felt his blood run cold. If Kine didn't get rid of Slon's body, he risked getting caught by the police. "Why?' he asked, nearly choking on the word.

_"No one was there."_

Izaya had to lean against a store's window just to keep standing. _How did he survive that?!_

"Oi, you still there?" Kine asked, his voice conveying all the irritation he felt at that moment.

"I'm sorry, Kine-san, I'm going to have to call you back later," Izaya said before hanging up, his whole body trembling as an incessant shiver kept running up and down his spine. He wasn't one to have panic attacks, but he was pretty sure that he was really close to having one. There was no place in Tokyo for him to hide from the Russian assassin, not when the man could blow his brains out any time he wanted, which meant that the only way for him to survive would be to end the man's life while he was lying in some hospital bed. He typed a number on his phone and waited for the person on the other end to pick up.

_"What do you want?"_

"I need you to check the hospitals around Tokyo for a person named Slon," Izaya said while trying to sound like his usual calm self.

_"Hey, I'm not your secretary."_

"No, but you're still my employee, Ran, so I suggest you get to it."

_"Hey bas―"_

"The underground ones too. Let me know when you find him," he said and ending the call, knowing that Ran would do as he was told.

He stayed like that for a few more minutes, body trembling as he tried to chase away the nausea. _If the old me would see me now, he would probably laugh in my face._ He pushed himself away from the surface he was leaning against and kept walking until he found himself in front of the elevator inside Shinra's apartment building. He raised a hand to press the button, but he was grabbed by the arm and dragged behind the door leading to the staircase where he was harshly slammed into the wall.

He chuckled, the black smoke spilling out from underneath Celty's helmet a clear indication that she was furious. "Courier-san, this isn't like you." He'd seen the Dullahan angry before, but her anger had never been directed at him with such intensity, the force of her grip alone making him wince.

[What have you done to them?]

Izaya chuckled and tried to walk away, only to get slammed back into the wall by the seething Dullahan. "You'll have to be more specific if you want me to answer your question, because, as you may already know, I've done many things to a lot of people."

She grabbed the PDA with one of her shadows and typed with her right hand while keeping the other one firmly wrapped around his neck.

[Don't play dumb!]

"Does that mean that Courier-san thinks I'm smart? Why thank you," Izaya chirped as he raised a hand and tried to unclench Celty's fingers from around his neck, only to wince again when the hold tightened to the point that he was having troubles breathing. Seeing as how he was left with no other option, he tried to grab the switchblade from the pocket of his coat, but his eyes went wide when he couldn't find it there, and then widened even further when Celty threw the weapon down the stairs leading to the basement. "Was that really necessary?" he asked in a raspy voice, looking askance towards the place where the switchblade had been thrown.

[YES!]

Izaya's eyes fell on the PDA and he sighed. He had been wrong in thinking that his day couldn't have gotten any worse, because it did, the news that Slon wasn't dead turning to ash his already fried nerves. As though that wasn't already bad enough, he ended up running into the obviously pissed off Dullahan. He glared at her, unable to further maintain his usual calm mask. "Let go, **now!"** he hissed, his eyes conveying all the hate and rage he felt at that moment.

Celty didn't let go though, and instead she typed again on her PDA before shoving it into his face. [Tell me what you did to Shizuo.]

Izaya raised his fist and punched her helmet off, the thing hitting the ground with a loud noise that bounced off the walls. "What I did to him? WHAT I DID TO HIM?!" he snapped, his outburst surprising her to the point that the strength behind her hold lessened a bit. "What if he did something to me instead? What then? Ah, but Courier-san could never understand."

[What are you trying to say?]

Face morphed into a malicious expression, he glared at Celty, trying to decide whether to tell her or not. He was a curious creature by nature, so to observe a Dullahan as her world got turned upside down would most likely be highly fascinating and perhaps even entertaining. His smirk widened. "You're a monster."

[What does that have to do with anything?!]

Izaya chuckled darkly, his eyes burning with malevolence. "Courier-san would not be able to comprehend what lies beyond the closed door."

[I'm tired of games, Izaya, so start talking!]

"Be careful what you wish for."

[I want to know what's going on!]

"Are you sure you want to know what lies beyond it?" he asked and chuckled some more when she squeezed his neck tighter. So what if she knew? It wasn't like she would tell anyone. Celty would most likely not even feel sorry for him, and that was fine, because he would never want her pity, but at the very least she would stop harassing him each time they ran into each other. And wouldn't it be amusing if the monster turned out to be human enough to get outraged by Shizuo's actions? With some luck she might even abandon him. It wasn't fair that the beast had so many friends and people who cared about him while Izaya himself had no one. Well, there was Shinra, but Izaya had no idea whether or not he could mend their broken friendship. It was only fair that Shizuo got to lose a friend too. His eyes glowed dangerously as he stared at Celty, his voice dripping malice as he spoke his next words. "Blood, tears and pain are the only things you can find behind it, so knowing all of that, are you still sure that you want to open it?"

[Yes, I still want to know.]

Izaya's smirk widened, his features set into a crazed expression. "All right, I'll tell you, but remember one thing: YOU asked for it."

[Just tell me already!] she rushed him, black smoky shadows snapping back and forth in a display of pure irritation.

"Ah, but Courier-san might just be too innocent to know what I'm talking about."

[IZAYA!]

He raised his hands in a placating gesture. "All right, all right, I'll try to explain in such a way that even you can understand," he said and chuckled some more. "Do you know what Shinra thinks about every time he looks at you, or are you too blind to notice?"

[What are you talking about, you lowlife?]

"Sex, Courier-san, it's called sex, you might have heard of it before," Izaya chirped, thoroughly enjoying the embarrassment that seemed to have washed over the Dullahan, her stiff posture clearly indicating her discomfort. "I won't deny that Shinra loves you, in his own twisted way of course, but he's a man, and it's only natural that he wants more besides your ever pleasant company."

Celty wanted to type something, but instead she changed her mind and lowered the PDA.

"Shizu-chan and I had sex," said Izaya in an equally venomous and sadistic voice, his eyes burning with hatred. He would be lying if he said that he wasn't enjoying her distress.

Celty's fingers trembled as she kept typing and deleting words on her PDA before finally showing it to Izaya.

[Shizuo would never do something like that with you!]

Izaya burst into hysterical laughter, eyes tearing up. Whether it was from laughter or from the sheer embarrassment of what he was about to say next, he didn't know, but he kept on talking. "Ah, ah, but wait, there is a twist! You will probably not like what I'm about to say next, so I'm going to give you one last chance to walk away."

[Talk!]

Ignoring the nauseating feeling burning through the pit of his stomach, as well as the sound of his heart wildly hammering against his rib cage, he swallowed the lump in his throat and took a deep breath. "I didn't consent to it," he said, his quivering voice a testimony of mental anguish. "It was rape, Courier-san."

The shadowy smoke floating around them froze in mid-air.

"Do you know what that is?" Izaya continued, trying to blink away the blurriness in his eyes. "Rape is any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person."

Celty lost her grip on his neck, hand falling limply by her side.

Izaya watched her for a while, wondering what she would do next, but when he realized that she was too shocked to react in any way, he pushed himself away from the wall and went to retrieve his switchblade. He stopped behind her on his way to the door, hands trembling inside the pockets of his coat. "I told you that you wouldn't like it," he said, cracked lips set into a mirthless smile. He then pushed the door open and walked out, leaving Celty alone to gather her jumbled thoughts. _Courier-san, what will you do now, hmm?_

_._

_._

_**A/N: **__ Murasa: *blushes* Thank you so much! I don't even know what to say! ^.^ I kind of love to play with my readers' mind, so expects the unexpected and the characters making stupid mistakes, as well as twists and wtf moments. XD_


	22. The Struggle Within

**Chapter 22: The Struggle Within**

.

Izaya rubbed his eyes to get rid of that annoying blurriness of unshed tears as he paused in front of the door to Shinra's apartment. It hadn't been easy to tell Celty what happened, but he was tired of her overall attitude regarding the whole situation, and he wanted that to stop. He wasn't naive enough to believe that she would remain her usual self around him after sending her off to deliver Kasuka's beaten body to the brute, but it had still bothered him. There was nothing worse than to get blamed for hurting Shizuo when the beast had been the one to break the rules first. Shizuo was supposed to only beat him to a bloody pulp that night, but the idiot had snapped and took things too far. Izaya knew he deserved bad things happening to him for what he had done to various people over the years, but he was sure that getting brutally raped and then left to die in a filthy alley was not one of them. Had it not been for both Kasuka and Shinra saving him that night, he would've certainly died. There were times when it crossed his mind that it couldn't have been worse than living like this, but he always pushed away those thoughts because he preferred to cling to life even though it was painful. He knew that more suffering awaited him, especially after realizing that he was still affected enough to interrupt his own plans of revenge, but he refused to give up. He raised his hand and timidly knocked on the door, and held his breath when he heard the lock turning and saw the door opening.

Shinra stared at him with an unreadable expression for a long time, the stretching silence making Izaya feel extremely uncomfortable. He was about to open his mouth to say something, but the man shot him a nasty glare and moved to close the door.

"Wait!" Izaya screeched and tried to stop Shinra from closing it, only to get his arm trapped between the door and its frame. He grunted as the metal dug into his skin the harder Shinra pushed, but he ignored the pain, his mind set on getting the man to listen to him. "Give me a chance to explain myself," he pleaded.

"I prefer to keep my distance when it comes to armed criminals," Shinra sneered, his voice conveying all the irritation he felt towards him.

"I'm not armed!"

"Remove your arm before I break it," Shinra warned and pulled the door back a little so that Izaya could free his arm."

"Fine," Izaya hissed through clenched teeth, "but I'm not leaving until we talk."

Shinra pushed the door closed with a lot more force than was necessary and stomped towards the couch in the living room where he flopped down on it and folded his arms in front of his chest. He was still pissed at Izaya for being a bastard, but he was more upset about his fight with Celty than anything else, their conflict resulting in her storming out of the apartment. He hated knowing that she was mad at him, and he hated to see her upset, but if he were to tell her what was really going on, he knew that she would only suffer more than she already was.

He turned his head towards the hallway and wondered if Izaya would really stand there outside his door until he'd be given him a chance to explain himself, or leave and come back another time. _He's not that big of an idiot,_ he thought before he picked up the remote control and turned the TV on, hoping that he would find something to distract himself with, which was far better than mopping around.

Meanwhile, Izaya stared at the door for a few minutes before sighing and shoving his hands inside the pockets of his coat. He felt really tired, and cold, but he'd already made up his mind to stay there until Shinra invited him inside, so he sighed dejectedly and leaned with his back against the door. He glanced at the floor beneath him, then at his coat, immediately dismissing the thought of sitting down; he really couldn't afford to ruin this coat too. There was always the fur-trimmed jacket, which he mostly wore when it was warmer outside, but he really did prefer the coat over it, especially when the weather was so cold.

He stayed like that for a long time, staring at his phone once in a while and hoping that Ran would call him. He almost dropped it though when it did ring, but the number was not one he recognized.

_"Orihara Izaya?"_ a female voice asked.

"Yes. With whom am I speaking?"

_"Vorona."_

Izaya had to swallow the lump in his throat in order to be able to speak his next words. "How may I help you?" he asked in a forced cheerful tone.

_"Information is needed regarding the last job Orihara-san and Slon-senpai completed. Slon-senpai demanded assistance today, but the information could not be relayed before death at hospital during surgery. Data not sufficient to identify the murderer."_

Izaya managed to cover his mouth in time to hide a surprised gasp. If Slon truly was dead, and Vorona had no idea who the killer was, then his hide was safe. Did she really have no clue that he was the killer, or was she was simply lying in order to catch him off-guard? Either way, it was best if he kept his guard up. "I'm sorry to hear that," he said solemnly.

_"Slon-senpai was comrade. His death will be avenged," _Vorona stated, sounding determined.

"How much do you know about the job?"

_"No data."_

"I see. We worked together to find the spies within the Awakusu-Kai who either worked for the Police or for rival organizations. We succeeded in identifying three of them. I'm sure we got them all, so if the murderer is related in any way to this last case, it makes sense for them to be someone who knew those men. Do you have an email address?"

_"Affirmative."_

"Message it to me and I'll send you the information tomorrow."

_"Help is appreciated,"_ Vorona said before hanging up.

Izaya stared ahead for a while, phone hanging in hand until he received the message. He wasn't exactly happy about killing Slon, if he really was dead, but it beat the alternative. As much as he hated Shizuo, he couldn't just stand there and do nothing while the Russian assassin did to Kasuka the same thing which had been done to him. Still, a valuable human life had been lost because of his mistake, and it left a bitter taste in his mouth. He pocketed the phone and hoped that Ran would call him soon to confirm Slon's death.

He lost track of time as he stood there trying to ignore the weariness, until Shinra suddenly opened the door, causing Izaya to lose his balance and fall backwards with a surprised yelp.

Shinra acted on instinct, hooking his arms underneath Izaya's stretched ones and successfully halting his dangerous descent.

Izaya chuckled as Shinra awkwardly held him, noticing the mocking smile before his vision drifted and their eyes locked. "Thank you for saving my precious behind, kind stranger."

Shinra scoffed, tempted to drop him. "Idiot."

Izaya smiled and got up with a bit of help from his savior. "Does this mean I can come in now?"

"I was going to look for Celty," Shinra said, frowning.

"Your girlfriend can take care of herself."

Shinra glared at him but kept quiet. Izaya was right. "Fine, get in," he said, scowling. "I can't believe you're still here," he grumbled.

Izaya pushed Shinra out of the way and dashed towards the kitchen where he picked up a glass and poured himself some much needed water. He greedily gulped it down and placed the glass back on the counter with a satisfied sigh, shrugging when he noticed Shinra's surprised expression. "I was thirsty."

Shinra turned around and went to the living room where he sat down on the couch. "Why are you here?"

Izaya followed him and sat down as well. "I see you replaced the glass doors I broke."

"Yeah, and you owe me money for that by the way."

"Send me the bill."

"And for the couch. It wasn't cheap to remove the blood stains."

"Got it."

Shinra sighed and shifted around uncomfortably. "Say what you have to say, and then leave."

"About earlier today..." Izaya started but lost the courage to go on when Shinra glared at him through squinted eyes.

"What about it?" the doctor nearly hissed. "Are you here to complain about how I did a terrible job at patching up your bullet wound?"

"No!" Izaya rushed to answer. "No... I'm here to apologize." Feeling somewhat ashamed, he lowered his head, eyes fixed on his knees. "I'm really sorry about all the stupid things I said and did."

"Oh my, is the great Orihara Izaya seriously apologizing to me? I find it very hard to believe," Shinra said mockingly.

"While I cannot remember everything, I still remember enough, and I know that I owe you an apology... a serious apology." He raised his head and looked him in the eyes. "I truly am sorry."

Shinra's eyes widened in surprise. He knew Izaya well enough to realize the man was serious this time around, and while he was still pissed at him for even thinking of such a stupid way to make him understand what he'd gone through, he really couldn't stay mad at him when the apology sounded so sincere. He sighed and smiled lazily. "Apology accepted," he said and watched Izaya's genuine smile with some amusement, the man's dull eyes lighting up almost instantly.

"Thank you."

"It's fine, just don't do that again."

Izaya shook his head. "The 'thank you' is not for this alone, it's for everything. Even after all the stupid things I did today, you still helped me when you could've simply walked away, not to mention that you saved my life that night. I would've been dead right now if it wasn't for you," he said, eyes darkening.

To say that Shinra was surprised was an understatement. "Who are you and what have you done with the real Izaya?" he asked with a broad smile on his face, his expression turning into a frown at Izaya's next words.

"I have no idea. Let me know if you find him."

Shinra felt a pang in his chest at seeing Izaya's defeated posture, so he got up, walked towards him and gently squeezed his shoulder, noticing with no little amount of surprise that Izaya didn't flinch. He'd felt bad all those other times he touched him before, because he could feel the tension underneath the surface, that barely restrain need to pull away, but this time, he felt nothing of the sorts. "You'll be fine."

"I don't know about that," Izaya said and abruptly got up, "but thank you for everything."

"Are you leaving?"

Izaya nodded. "I'll see you around," he said and waved as he walked out of the apartment.

Shinra sighed loudly, and then sat down and took off his glasses to rub his tired eyes. He felt sorry for Izaya, sorry enough to almost miss the smug bastard he once used to know. This new Izaya was nicer, and less of a dick, but Shinra couldn't stand that constant sadness that seemed to emanate from the man.

He heard the door open and he clumsily put on the glasses before turning around, thinking that Izaya might've forgotten something, only to be greeted with the sight of his beloved Celty. "Hey, are you―" he started, but lost his voice when he saw her wrap herself in a cocoon of her own pitch black smoke. "Celty...?" he said weakly as he approached the black mass, a surprised yelp escaping his lips when he ended up getting pulled inside, his beloved pulling him into a hug and clinging to him as though he was her lifeline. "I'm sorry for snapping at you today," he said as he ran his hand up and down her back. He knew she was crying, because her whole body was trembling in his arms, her clenched into fists hands clinging to the back of his white lab coat.

She wanted to tell him that it was not his fault, that she now understood why he never told her, but she couldn't get her body to react. All she could do was cling to him; cling to the man who loved her enough to hide the truth from her in order to not hurt her, even if that meant she would be mad at him. It all made sense now, Shinra being protective of Izaya, as well as that hatred and rage he expressed in regard to Shizuo. She knew something bad must've happened to make him react that way, something terrible enough to affect the usual passive Kishitani Shinra, but she never thought that Shizuo could take things that far. It was hard to believe that Shizuo would rape the Informant, but she knew that Izaya was not lying because of the incident she had witness earlier that day. She clearly remembered Shizuo saying how everything was his fault, and how he deserved to die, so for the man to go to such extreme measures meant that something really bad must've happened, something so horrendous to make him want to end his life.

She also never expected to feel sorry for Izaya, but she did. Those words he spoke in that broken, defeated tone, as well as those pained eyes and barely restrained tears had sliced into her heart as though they were sharp knives. It was a horrible situation in which Shinra ended up losing one of the two most important connections he had made with humans, and Celty had no idea how to make him feel better. There was also Shizuo, the man she always thought of as her best friend, and he was suffering too, she was certain of it. Truth be told, she felt sorry for all three of them. She held onto Shinra tighter, wishing that all of it was a bad dream from which she would soon wake up, but she knew it was real, and that broke her heart into a million pieces. She wished she had the power to turn back time, but she didn't possess such a skill, so instead she clung to Shinra tighter, drowning into the warmth of his body and the comfort of his embrace.

"I hope you will forgive me one day," he said, his voice sorrowful, almost pleading, but at the same time loving and hopeful.

Celty unclenched one hand and gently rubbed his back, hoping that her gesture would convey her feelings inside the darkness of the cocoon.

"Thank you," he said, and with those two simple words she knew that he understood her better than anyone in the world. She remembered Izaya's words: "Shinra loves you," and she knew them to be true. She was glad to have met Shinra, and lucky to have him in her life. _I think I love him too,_ she realized with some surprise, the thought bubbling from underneath the violent waves crashing into her jumbled thoughts.


	23. The Apparition

_**Chapter 23: The Apparition**_

_._

_So cold,_ Izaya thought dejectedly as he walked from the subway station back to his apartment. He knew that he should've taken a taxi, but he wasn't in a rush to get home, not when his formerly beloved sanctuary was now nothing more than a place where he spent so many sleepless nights, his mind plagued by nightmares as the memories of the pain and the fear Shizuo had inflicted upon him kept him twisting and turning in his bed. The beast had not only invaded his body, but his mind as well, and that's why he wanted to break him just as he himself had been broken. It took him a long time to get Slon interested in Kasuka, and yet, after so much time and effort spent, he hadn't been able to go through with it. Having Slon do to Kasuka the same thing that Shizuo had done to him would've been the perfect way to break the beast once and for all, but sadly, he ended up ruining his own plan.

Izaya hadn't know the meaning of the word _fear_ until that fateful night, at least not in the same sense that most people would describe it. Whenever the beast used to chase him around Ikebukuro, what he felt was excitement. Most of the times he was careful to pull the strings from a safe distance, but sometimes he loved taking chances, and fighting a monster was always a risk, the possibility of ending up with more than a broken limb being very high. While it was fun to send people after Shizuo and watch as the beast wiped the floor with his opponents, there was just something fascinating about seeing up close how that scowling expression would morph into one of pure rage. Izaya knew that no one could, and would not rile the beast as much as he did, because Shizuo was not someone to be played with, which is why most people didn't even dare entertain such thoughts, but he was Orihara Izaya, and fighting a beast like Heiwajima Shizuo only served to prove how superior he was when compared to the rest of humanity. It really came as no surprise when he heard that he was considered to be one of Ikebukuro's strongest, because he was, after all, one of the few people who could stand up to Heiwajima Shizuo and walk away mostly unharmed. He had been wrong though, thinking that he wouldn't get hurt, and because of his mistake, he ended up paying a heavy price.

To think that he would feel pity for the beast's emotionless freak of a brother was ludicrous, shameful really. He felt like screaming for falling prey to such a pathetic human emotion, for failing to take the perfect revenge. The whole situation was infuriating, that was the only way he could describe it. _Stupid, weak, coward, former shadow of the great Orihara Izaya, how dare you take away the only thing that could've made everything go back to normal?_ He sighed and ran a hand through his now too long hair, realizing that he should probably get a haircut soon. At least he was close to his apartment, and there was nothing more that he wanted to do than to get some sleep, or at least try to anyway. Just lying in bed would be enough, his tired body in serious need of some rest.

It was long after midnight when he approached his apartment building, the sight of Kasuka still dressed in his clothes and sitting on the steps shocking him enough to make him stop in his tracks. His eyes narrowed in contempt, and he had to force himself to approach him. "Why are you here?" he hissed after he stopped in front of the beast's brother.

Kasuka didn't say anything. Instead, he put down the now empty plastic container of the pudding he had just finished eating, grabbed a paper bag from the plastic one he was holding around the arm with the broken wrist, and then moved to hand it over to Izaya.

Izaya's brows furrowed in confusion. "What―"

"Take it," Kasuka said, emphasizing his words with a flick of the wrist.

Izaya stared at it for a while before he scowled and finally grabbed it with more force than was necessary. "What is this?" he asked, cautiously turning the bag around.

"A bun," Kasuka answered, his voice as monotone as always.

"A bun..." Izaya repeated, dumbfounded, his eyes wide as he stared at Kasuka.

"Yes."

His eyes traveled to the bag again, and he opened it slowly, as though he was afraid that something would pop right out of it and bite his hand off, only to blink in astonishment when he really found a bun inside. Flabbergasted, he looked at Kasuka again. "Why are you giving me a bun?"

Kasuka finally raised his head, half-closed brown eyes meeting wide red-brown ones. "There was pudding too, but I got really hungry while waiting, so I ate it."

Izaya blinked some more. _What the―_ His eyes narrowed and he glared at Kasuka with outright suspicion, his lips quirking up in a manic smile. "You poisoned this, didn't you?"

Kasuka looked at him impassively before picking up the empty plastic container, putting it inside the plastic bag, and then getting up and looking Izaya straight in the eyes. "I'm not a murderer Orihara-san, but if you really must know why I gave you a bun, the answer is quite simple."

Izaya folded his arms in front of his chest, bag still hanging in his left hand. "Please, do tell."

"I thought you might be hungry, that's all."

"Why would you think that?" he asked, voice low and dangerous.

"Because I was too."

Izaya had to shake his head just to snap back to reality. Something so crazy was obviously not happening, which meant that he must've passed out somewhere between Ikebukuro and Shinjuku; it was the only reasonable explanation. He had to be dreaming, because there was no way in hell that Shizuo's brother would show up dressed in his clothes and offer him a bun. _No, not happening. I have to wake―_

"Orihara-san, are you all right?" Kasuka asked when he saw the Informant shaking his head and mumbling something unintelligible.

"Gah!" Izaya nearly screamed and took a step backwards, seriously starting to question his sanity. No matter how much he pinched himself or shook his head, Heiwajima Kasuka was still there, which only meant that he was, in fact, not dreaming. "Why are you here?!" he asked in an embarrassingly high-pitched tone.

"I'm here to talk," Kasuka said as he dusted himself off.

Izaya chuckled darkly, eyebrow twitching in annoyance. "Ah, so you're here to complain about how I almost got you raped."

"No," Kasuka said before he went to drop the bag into the nearest trash can. He wasn't surprised that Izaya was suspicious of him, but the man was clearly overreacting. He couldn't really blame him though, because as an Informant, it was Izaya's job to be suspicious of everyone and everything. Once he got rid of the trash, he went back and extended his hand.

Izaya glowered, angry at not only the beast's brother, but also at himself for being unable to read such an odd creature. "What?!" he snapped, his eyes boring holes into the pale, yet slightly bruised hand.

"If you don't want to eat it, give it back."

Izaya quirked an eyebrow. "It really is just a bun?"

Kasuka nodded.

"Prove it," Izaya challenged him, smirking dangerously as he pulled the bun out of the bag and handed half of it to the emotionless monster who kept staring at him as though everything was perfectly normal.

Kasuka took a bite out of it and chewed slowly, his eyes never leaving Izaya's face. "Orihara-san, did you really think that I had poisoned it?"

Izaya tried to keep a straight face, but it was hard to do so in front of such an emotionless freak, so instead he smiled sardonically. "Would it be so wrong of me to assume such a thing? I believe that you would go to any lengths to protect your brother, just as he would for you. Monsters really do stick together, don't they?" He was hoping that his comment would get a reaction out of Kasuka, but the only thing the emotionless creature did was stare at him indifferently while eating the bun. Izaya had never wanted to bash someone's head in as much as he wanted right at that moment. _How can he be so different from the beast?_

"Your turn," Kasuka said and waited to see what the other would do. He expected Izaya to be more composed, but the man was so easy to read that Kasuka had a hard time believing this was the same monster Shizuo kept complaining about for years.

Izaya stared at the bun, lips set into a thin smile. It was obviously a challenge, and Orihara Izaya was not one to back down when it came to one. If the bun had indeed been poisoned, Kasuka would've started showing signs, emotionless freak or not. No one would be able to stay indifferent in the face of death, especially when it came to poison, which was supposedly very painful, or at least that's what he'd heard. He made a mental note to seek information on different types of poison and their effects as soon as he had some free time. Unless, of course, the freak was planning to take both of them out with a type of poison with delayed effect. He gave that idea some thought before he dismissed it once he concluded that Kasuka's death would break the beast, which meant that the younger Heiwajima would not do such a thing if it meant hurting his brother, even if that meant losing the perfect chance to keep Shizuo safe from his nemesis. "You know, I dislike sweets," Izaya said, now slightly entertained by the whole situation. "Don't you find it amusing how the person I despise the most in the whole wide world loves them so much?"

"What do you like?" Kasuka asked. He could not comprehend how anyone could hate sweets.

"I prefer my food to taste bitter," Izaya said and bit into the bun, nose scrunched up in disgust. He unhappily chewed on it and then swallowed as though it had been the hardest thing he had to do in his entire life.

"I can't say I'm surprised," said Kasuka, completely unaffected by the glare thrown his way.

"What are you trying to say, Kasuka-_kun?"_

"People who love sweets tend to be more kind and agreeable towards others."

Izaya burst out into laughter, highly amused to hear the beast's brother talk about food. "Are you saying that you and your monstrous brother are kind and agreeable? Ahh ha ha ha! In that case, how would you describe a person who prefers bitter food?"

"Adventurous. Such a person enjoys taking risks. You ate the bun, didn't you?"

With a lazy smile on his face, Izaya wiped his hands together to get rid of any remnants of sugar that might've still clung to his fingers and turned his attention back to Kasuka. His taste buds might've not been happy at the choice of food, but his previously empty stomach was rejoicing. In fact, eating that half of bun made him realize just how hungry he really was. "Thank you for the food. Your gift was most gracious," he said and gave Kasuka a mock bow.

"You're welcome." Kasuka was not at all offended by the gesture. If Izaya thought that he could rile him up, the man was gravely mistaken.

"Oriharaaaaa-san! How are you?"

Izaya turned towards the newcomer, immediately recognizing the annoying voice as belonging to his drunkard rich neighbor. "Harada-san, how have you been?" he asked politely, trying not to scrunch his nose in disgust as the heavy smell of alcohol hit him hard.

"Good, good. Let me introduce you to... what is your name sweetheart?" Harada asked the woman who was accompanying him.

_A prostitute,_ thought Izaya.

"Violet," she said and winked at Kasuka.

_Of course._ "Nice to meet you! Now, if you don't mind, I have some things to take care of," Izaya said as he grabbed Kasuka by the arm to pull him inside the building, only to stop in his tracks when Harada reached out and grabbed Kasuka's broken wrist, a barely audible grunt being the only indication that the younger Heiwajima was in pain. _Ah, as much as I love to think of you as a monster, Kasuka-kun, just because you are Shizu-chan's brother, you are only human after all._ Kasuka couldn't break him in two as though it was nothing, nor could he grab the idiot who was hurting him and fling him all the way to the other side of the street.

"I think I'm seeing double―hic!"

"No, you're not, Harada-san, so how about you release my guest?" he said, his voice as sweet as ever, while his eyes were glaring daggers at the pathetic excuse for a human being that was his neighbor. He assumed the man must've sensed his murderous intent, because the drunkard released Kasuka and rushed inside the apartment building while laughing nervously and apologizing. He turned towards Kasuka, grabbed him by the forearm, and pulled up the coat's sleeve to inspect the damage. "Why haven't you gone to the hospital yet?"

"I haven't had the time." Between Izaya knocking him unconscious a second time, and Shizuo clinging to him as though he was afraid to let him go, the broken wrist had been the least of his worries. It took ages just to get Shizuo to fall asleep, and a while longer to actually get away without waking him up, retrieve the DVD that Izaya had sent him, and then sneak out of the apartment.

On the other hand, Izaya thought it was ironic how Slon ended up breaking Kasuka's right wrist just as Shizuo had broken his. He pulled back the sleeve and released him. "You wanted to talk, so follow me," he said and entered the apartment building, Kasuka immediately trailing after him. He ended up stopping though when his phone rang, his hand quickly flying to the pocket of his coat.

"Should I leave?"

"No, stay," Izaya said when he saw that Ran was the one calling him. He pressed the button and moved the phone to his ear.

_"I found him,"_ Ran said, smugness evident in his voice.

"In that case, congratulations are in order." He tried to sound casual, but his heart was wildly slamming itself against his rib cage.

_"It depends."_

"On what?"

_"On whether you wanted the guy dead or alive."_

"Alive, obviously. I had some information he requested, and because we've been working together for a while now, I wanted to help him."

Ran chuckled, as though he had just caught Izaya lying through his teeth. _"What you meant to say was that you wanted the Russian assassin to owe you one."_

Funny enough, Izaya was lying through his teeth, just not about the thing that Ran had assumed in his stupidity. "Guilty as charged."

_"Heh, I knew it, bastard. You never do anything for free."_

"You know me too well."

_"How did you know that he'd be in a hospital?"_

Izaya sighed in annoyance, as though the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. "He wasn't answering his phone no matter how many times I called, so I figured that something must've gone wrong."

_"Well, he's dead."_

"I see. It's a shame, he was a skilled assassin. Can you get me a copy of the death certificate, just to make sure that it's him?"

_"You're fucking annoying, just so you know. I expect extra payment for wasting time on this shit."_

"You will have it as soon as you email me what I have requested."

_"Tch! Fine!" _Ran snapped and ended the call.

Izaya turned towards Kasuka once again. He was somewhat relieved that Slon was dead. He really didn't want to have an assassin seeking revenge on him, but at the same time he was unhappy about having killed one of his humans. "Slon is dead." He watched Kasuka to see how he'd react, but the emotionless freak gave no reaction whatsoever, so instead he turned around and walked towards the elevator, almost curious to hear what Heiwajima Kasuka had to say. Somehow, he had a feeling that it was going to be a very long night.


	24. Grisly Reminder

**Chapter 24: Grisly Reminder**

.

No matter how long he contemplated, Izaya could not comprehend why Kasuka would seek out the man who had attempted to hurt him in such a dreadful manner. He watched as his guest took off the coat and sat down on the couch, completely at ease as though he couldn't even envision the idea that his host could harm him if he so wished. Kasuka seemed to be just as unpredictable as his brother, and Izaya hated that because he didn't know how to react to the unforeseeable words and actions of the two Heiwajimas. Orihara Izaya was supposed to be the strategist, the puppeteer who dwelt in the shadows and who sometimes set the stage and hid behind the curtain from where he could glimpse at the play as the events unfolded in such a way that would either benefit or entertain him. He was supposed to foresee what was most likely to happen by predicting the moves ahead of time, yet he couldn't do the same when it came to Shizuo, which was why he had attempted to hurl him onto the chessboard by using Kasuka. Unfortunately, he himself had been the one to cut the play short, and now, because of his own foolishness, he was stuck having to deal with yet another unpredictable element.

He glimpsed at Kasuka's back as he placed his own coat on the office chair and then walked to the coach and sat down as well. It was a strange sight to see Hanejima Yuuhei wearing his clothes, all bruised up and injured. Kasuka always looked so flawless on TV, which was probably the main reason why his sisters were so obsessed with him, but the Kasuka before him looked terrible, the split lip and the bruises on his jaw and neck from where Slon had punched and held him down, almost making him unrecognizable. _Did it have to be the right wrist too,_ he thought dejectedly, suddenly feeling really annoyed that Kasuka was wearing his clothes because it reminded him so much of the broken and bleeding Izaya from back then. "You know, Kasuka-kun, I'm still intrigued by the fact that you haven't changed your clothes yet."

"Just Kasuka is enough, Orihara-san."

"In that case, call me Izaya."

Kasuka nodded, his eyes drifting over to the table where a combination of Chess, Othello, and Shogi pieces were set on a Japanese Go board.

"Interested?" Izaya inquired, smirking, his eyes glowing in amusement. He always found it entertaining to watch people trying to figure out what he was trying to do with such a weird combination of pieces.

Kasuka nodded, his eyes scanning the board and analyzing each piece in order to find its true meaning and purpose.

"Don't bother trying to figure out how it's played. The rules I play by are beyond normal humans."

Kasuka's attention turned back to Izaya, the Informant's sardonic smile a clear indication that he was looking down on him. _Is this how you look at my brother each time you see him?_ Knowing Shizuo, there really was no wonder that the blond would try to wipe that annoying smirk off the man's face with a punch, a trash can, a stop sign or a vending machine. Unfortunately for Izaya, such attitude had zero effect on him. He looked at the board again, and then back at Izaya. "I was more interested in knowing which piece is supposed to represent me."

Izaya's eyes widened in disbelief, the emotionless freak succeeding in surprising him yet again. "That's an interesting interpretation. Care to explain how you've reached such a conclusion?"

Kasuka stared blankly at him. "Maybe another time. Right now I'd prefer to talk about something else."

Red eyes narrowed dangerously, and he barely succeeded in hiding his annoyance. "As you wish," he finally said and shrugged, trying to play it cool. "Let's cut straight to the subject. Why are you here?"

There were many reasons as to why Kasuka was there, and none of them was less important than the other, but he had to start from somewhere, so after some thinking, he decided to start with the most logical choice. "I don't like to judge a person based on rumors alone, so I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt," he said, hoping to get to know the man that Shizuo hated enough to go to such terrifying lengths in order to make him suffer.

"You're willing... to give me... the benefit of the doubt," Izaya spoke slowly before he burst into laughter, the Heiwajima brat's answer making him laugh so hard that his side hurt. "Ahh ha ha ha!"

Kasuka continued to stare impassively. "Yes." He wasn't expecting his answer to provoke such a reaction, so he was slightly surprised by the outburst. The Informant truly was a strange man.

Izaya laughed for a long time. That was the only way he could react to his guest's sheer audacity to assume that he would ever care about his opinion. "I undoubtedly believe that you have misunderstood something. I do not, nor have I ever cared what people think of me," he said and threw Kasuka a disgusted look. "Especially the beast's brother."

Kasuka felt something, which didn't happen very often, but he guessed that it was a sliver of annoyance, because here he was, trying to get to know Izaya a bit better, yet all the man did was mock him. "Does lying to yourself help you sleep better at night?" he asked in the same monotone voice, Izaya's thin smile an obvious sign that he had struck a nerve.

"As a matter of fact, I do sleep better at night now that the wounds your brother had inflicted on my body have mostly healed." He was hoping that Kasuka would at least wince at the confession, but the monster looked unaffected, as though he was doing it on purpose just to spite him. "If I cared about what people thought of me, I would be a much nicer person, don't you agree? And let's be honest here, I'm anything but nice. You should know that better than anyone, especially after today." His lips quirked upwards into a sadistic smile, his eyes roaming over the bruises adorning the previously unmarred skin. _Shizu-chan must've suffered a lot when he saw your beaten body._

Kasuka knew that Izaya was no saint, but neither was he the demon his brother made him out to be. "We will get to that a bit later," he said, clearly dismissing Izaya's attempt to change the topic. "I know for a fact that you care what people think of you." Of course Izaya cared, he had witnessed it with his own eyes.

Izaya's pulse sped up when he realized what Kasuka was talking about, but he refused to look affected. His hands balled into fists and he smiled, a brittle smile that could not conceal the barely suppressed anger he felt bubbling inside of him. The fact that he was feeling faint from the lack of food, dehydration and the injuries he had received earlier that day, certainly did not help.

Kasuka immediately noticed Izaya's stiff posture. "If you didn't care, you would've let me call an ambulance that night."

Izaya's blood ran cold. "Shut up," he said weakly, his voice barely loud enough for Kasuka to hear, his previously tightly-clenched fists slackening, the fury he had felt until then being replaced by unadulterated shame.

"If you didn't care what people thought of you, you would've reported my brother to the police," Kasuka continued, noticing how the man's previous pale complexion turn even paler, "but you didn't, because you were ashamed, because you didn't want people to know that you had been raped." He knew that he should stop, but flashbacks of Shizuo trying to thrust that knife into his heart kept appearing into his mind.

Izaya's expression froze into one of utter mortification, and he was overcome with nausea, the queasiness burning through the pit of his stomach making him feel a thousand times worse than before. "Shut up," he said again, this time a bit louder. _Who in their right mind would want others to know?_ It had taken all of his courage just to tell Celty.

"And as though that wasn't bad enough, the one who raped you had been none other than your most hated enemy." He carefully watched Izaya, his brown eyes not missing the barely visible tremor running through the Informant's body.

"Shut up!" Izaya repeated, his voice more of a plea than a command. Jaw stiffening, he looked away. _Just stop it please..._ He could already imagine the stares, the words being whispered behind his back about how he deserved it, about how the beast did a good job in teaching him his place. He loved his humans, yet they would most likely rejoice at the news of his suffering. His humans hated him. _They can nev―_

"It must've hurt a lot, didn't it? Your thighs were stained red after all," said Kasuka, even though he knew that he shouldn't have. He couldn't help himself, not when a part of him wanted to badly hurt Izaya for all the bad things the man had done to Shizuo and more recently to him.

**"SHUT UP!"**Izaya shouted in a loud piercing cry before he grabbed the switchblade he held inside the pocket of his pants and threw himself at the monster who dared to remind him of the things he badly wished to erase from his memory. He could feel his previously frozen blood melt and start to boil in his veins, and he yanked Kasuka's head back with a trembling hand, slender fingers tightly clenching in black silky hair, sharp blade digging into the bruised throat. **" . ,"** he hissed, emphasizing each word with a tug on that black hair that was as silky as his own used to be before he ended up neglecting his forever tainted body because he couldn't even stand to look at it without feeling shame and disgust. He raised one knee and placed it on the couch for better leverage, effectively trapping the bastard who dared to mention his blood-stained thighs in such an emotionless tone when all he could remember was the fear, the helplessness and the horror of it all.

Kasuka stood there motionless, not even bothering to fight back, knowing full well that he had gone too far. "I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry. Remembering that day must be very painful for you."

Izaya's already furious expression turned wild, and he dug the blade deeper into the bruised throat, watching as the blood started to stream from the not so small cut. "SHUT UP! I don't need your pity!" he snarled, his red eyes burning with both hatred and fury. He knew that he was slipping, and that he needed to compose himself, but it was hard to do so when all he wanted to do was to brutally murder the creature before him. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down, at the same time realizing that he needed to switch the focus of the conversation before he really ended up losing it and killing the freak. He remember Kasuka's brief look of disgust when Slon had kissed him, and he hoped that he could use that to get the little monster to react in some way. He refused to be the only one to lose control. "You're the pitiful one for having to grow up with such a monster," he said and tugged at the raven locks trapped between his fingers. "It must've been really hard on you."

"He's not a monster," Kasuka said while ignoring Izaya's conceited look.

Izaya sneered and wrenched the freak's hair, trying to inflict as much pain as possible, just like the beast had done to him that night in the alley. "Tell me, does pretending to not have any emotions help you sleep better at night?"

"I'm not pretending," Kasuka said flatly, the only sign of discomfort he showed at having his hair harshly pulled being the tension he felt in his jaw.

"Maa, maa, we both know that you're lying," said Izaya in a malicious tone while smacking the flat edge of the bloody blade against Kasuka's cheek. "I think that you were so scared of your brother, that you preferred to not react in any way just to avoid getting beat up by him."

"That's not what happened."

Izaya dragged the blade down the bruised jaw and back to the bloody throat. "You've been pretending for so long that you can only express yourself through acting now. Either that, or you're still scared of Shizuo. Which one is it, hmmm?"

"Neither is true."

Izaya softly tutted. "I told you that you can't lie to me, not after I've seen that look of disgust cross your face when Slon kissed you." Not that he could blame him of course, but it was proof that Kasuka could feel, even though what he felt that time had only been pain and disgust.

Kasuka watched him carefully, trying to figure out if the man was naive enough to really believe that he was lying. Apparently, he was, if the smug look on his face was any indication. Orihara Izaya couldn't have been more wrong. "Disgust is merely a natural reaction, nothing more, nothing less," he finally said, even though he knew that the man would hate his truthful answer.

"Just answer my question!" he hissed. "Are you, or are you not, scared of Shizuo?"

Kasuka nearly sighed, tired of being asked the same question that Shizuo has asked him on numerous occasions before. _Why is it so hard to believe that he doesn't scare me?_ "I've never been scared of him," he said, confident brown eyes gazing straight into Izaya's red ones.

Izaya's fingers clenched in Kasuka's hair and he pulled at it sharply, a low grunt being his only reward. **"Liar!"**

Had this been a scene from one of his movies, Kasuka would've rolled his eyes, but it wasn't, so there was no need for him to act. "I can't tell you something that isn't true, no matter how badly you want it to be." _What will it take to make him understand?_

"I bet you're still wearing my clothes because you also wanted to see him suffer, because you really hate him for turning you into this emotionless freak. Ne, ne, tell me, was it fun to see him cry? Ahh, it was so entertaining to hear his sobs over the phone!" said Izaya, eyes staring into space as he remember his conversation with Shizuo. His plan had failed, but at least he had the pleasure of hearing the beast cry. A delightful shiver ran down his spine. _What a beautiful sound it was!_

Kasuka watched him impassively, but he figured that the man deserved an explanation, so he decided to answer the question. "I kept them on because you saved me, and even though you were the one who kidnapped me in the first place, I forgive you, because I understand why you did it. I believe we are even now."

"Even?! Ahh ha ha ha! We'll never be even!" Izaya hissed, his voice dripping venom. "You might've saved me that night, but by doing so you kept your brother from going to jail." He leaned in closer until his cracked lips were hovering next to Kasuka's ear. "There would've been enough evidence to send him to jail for the rest of his life. Shizu-chan really is a protozoan for leaving me there to die after..." and here he took a pause to swallow the lump in his throat before continuing in a shaky voice, "after he c-came inside m-me." He inwardly cursed, hating himself for letting it show just how affected he still was even after so much time.

"Shizuo can't think rationally once he succumbs to his rage." _Just like that time at the bakery store._ Shizuo ended up hurting not only the thugs, but also the woman he was trying to save. Kasuka closed his eyes, Shizuo's pained expression and the guilt eating at him the second he regained his composure forever being ingrained into his memory. It was one of the many similar unfortunate events he had witnessed over the years, and he knew that his brother was most likely still blaming himself for each and every one of them.

"Tch! That's a pathetic excuse! Yes, I kidnapped you, and then I saved you, so we could say that we are even, but are you trying to say that you wearing my clothes equates to the suffering I felt while getting brutally raped by that monster? No, Kasuka, that's not even close."

"You used me to deceive my brother, and by doing so you taught him despair. That should be enough." He partially blamed himself for what happened to Shizuo, his brother almost losing his life because of his own foolishness and overconfidence when he'd followed the Informant earlier that day.

Izaya's jaw clenched, teeth grinding hard against each other. The freak's audacity was unbelievable. "I'm not done with him," he threatened, his features twisted into a crazed expression.

"You are done."

"No, I'm not." He was so angry that he was almost seeing red, and that wasn't helping, because the impulse to plunge the switchblade into Kasuka's throat kept growing stronger by the second.

"You are," Kasuka said, his half-closed eyes narrowing fractionally.

Izaya leaned in closer until their noses were almost touching. "You're either extremely brave, or extremely stupid, coming into my house after everything that happened and expecting to leave this place alive. I could slit your throat right now, and then gift wrap your corpse and send it to your brother."

"I advise against it," Kasuka said, already having considered the possibility.

Izaya scoffed. "And why should I listen to you, hmm?"

"Because if anything happens to me, you will be the prime suspect; I made sure of it. I doubt that even you could get away with murdering Hanejima Yuuhei."

Izaya's eyes narrowed into slits. "What did you do?"

"I simply made sure that the DVD you sent to Shizuo got into the right hands," Kasuka said matter-of-factly.

Izaya's previously annoyed expression morphed into one of pure rage, and he dug the blade deeper into Kasuka's throat, more blood starting to seep from the cut. Now that he was seeing Kasuka up close, he couldn't help but notice how the freak looked so much like Shizuo, and that only served to piss him off even more. They both had the same jawline, and even though their eyes were slightly different, Izaya was sure that if Kasuka dyed his hair blonde and schooled his expression into a scowl, he would be Shizuo's spitting image. _Disgusting._ His red eyes glowed dangerously, and his lips began to tilt upwards in a maniacal grin as he began slicing the skin, starting from the cut on the throat and going up towards the jawline. "Perhaps I should destroy this pretty face of yours, so that you won't be the Hanejima Yuuhei that people seem to love so much."

"The―" Kasuka started, but stopped and waited for Izaya to ease up on the slicing so that he could talk. "I will tell you the truth."

Izaya chuckled darkly and pressed the flat edge of the blade against Kasuka's jaw, smearing blood on the purple bruises. "I knew you'd see it my way."

"The truth is that sometimes people are exactly what they seem," said Kasuka and grabbed Izaya's wrist to pull the knife away from his face, his opponent barely having enough time to react before he knocked their heads together hard enough to momentarily stun him.

Izaya's vision turned black from the impact, his already weak body unable to recover in time and stop Kasuka from yanking the switchblade out of his hand.

Kasuka elbowed him in the face with all the strength he could muster, the action followed by a well-placed kick to the stomach which sent his opponent flying over the black coffee table placed in front of the corner couch.

A shrill ripped from Izaya's throat as he fell on the Go board, the Chess pieces painfully digging into his back. He tried to get up, but Kasuka was already on him, the man crushing his right hand between a knee and the table, while his own switchblade, now in enemy hands, was being pressed into his throat. Kasuka's strength was nowhere near Shizuo's, but the blows he'd received still left his head reeling. He could hear his own labored breathing, the sound of it so loud in his ears that it was almost deafening. He moaned in pain and forced one eye open, his heartbeat immediately quickening when the gravity of the situation he was in finally dawned on him.

Kasuka watched him for a few moments with cold eyes before he hunched lower until his lips were beside Izaya's ear, his hot breath making the Informant shudder. "The truth is that I'm more of a monster than you and Shizuo will ever be."


	25. Scorpion Flower

**Chapter 25: Scorpion Flower**

.

Izaya barely succeeded in suppressing a whimper, the whole situation too familiar for comfort. He flinched when that silky brown hair touched his face as the freak moved away from his ear, and he simply could not stand the way in which the man looked at him with those empty eyes that reminded him so much of dead fish eyes. His free hand twitched, the desperate need to just get away from there incinerating him like wildfire, but he didn't dare move, not when the beast's brother could easily snuff his life as though it was nothing. He didn't want to die. He didn't care how much he'd suffer if he kept on living, or whether he'd go to hell for all the bad things he'd done over the years, because even an eternity of suffering was worth knowing that he would still exist. _Liar,_ said a voice from a deep and dark corner of his mind, _how can you still say that after you've known despair?_ Flashbacks of that night slammed into his mind with brutal force, and he knew that he couldn't go through something like that again no matter how much he liked to believe that he could endure any kind of suffering. _Not again. Not again. Never again!_ Overcome with nausea, his vision flickered, and an intense shudder, something akin to terror, ran down his spine. "D-don't..." he said brokenly, his quivering voice giving away the fear he felt seeping through his veins.

Kasuka's eyes widened and he felt a pang in his chest, something that he had never felt with such intensity for anyone in his life besides Shizuo. _No. No!_ "NO! I would nev―" he started, finally realizing what he was doing to Izaya. He removed the switchblade from the pale throat, and then dropped it into the pocket of his pants before grabbing Izaya by the t-shirt and pulling him up, the Informant's eyelids fluttering open as his boneless body was hauled up from on top of the table and dropped onto the couch. Kasuka pushed away the Go Board and the different pieces scattered all over the table and sat down in front of Izaya, giving the man a few moments to recover from the shock. He ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes for a few moments before opening them again. It was always so easy for him to forget that others weren't as emotionally numb as he was and that something which wouldn't normally affect him could very well be devastating for someone else. "I didn't mean to― I didn't think you'd see it that way."

Izaya took a few more sharp intakes of breath before finally calming down enough to be able to speak. He raised a shaky hand to his face and felt warm liquid seeping from his nose, the coppery taste of blood in his mouth serving as proof that Kasuka had hit him really hard. His laugh came out rather pathetic, but he didn't care, not when his whole body was still thrumming with fear. "What― happened?"

"You wanted to know the truth," he said, realizing in hindsight that he shouldn't have hit him so hard.

Izaya straightened his back with some effort and raised his head to stare at Kasuka. The thing before him was a monster, and not just because he always looked emotionless, but even so, the aforementioned monster knew when to stop, unlike the brute that was his brother. "That's not what I meant."

"I know. You must be surprised," said Kasuka and lowered his head, eyes fixed on the bloody hand he used to wipe away the crimson liquid flowing down his neck.

Izaya nodded. "I know you do your own stunts, but those moves... how...?" Kasuka's attacks had been precise, which meant that he knew exactly what he was doing.

Kasuka stared impassively at his hand, the blood smeared all over his palm bringing back memories of a time when seeing his own blood was not that unusual. "Shizuo made many enemies as we grew up, and some of the people he beat up couldn't let it go, so they came after me." He always associated those memories with physical pain, but that was it, because he couldn't remember ever feeling fear during any of those encounters with his brother's enemies.

Izaya's mouth fell open, unable to hide his shock at hearing Kasuka's confession, but at the same time it made perfect sense, because he knew that humans were petty enough to go after someone weaker when they couldn't bring down the one they really wanted to destroy. He cringed, realizing that he had done the same thing as those pathetic creatures. _No, it wasn't the same, I wanted to break Shizuo... it was the only way._ It wouldn't have been impossible to find a way to physically hurt the beast, but what he wanted was to inflict emotional pain, which is why he had decided to use Kasuka in the first place. He was curious about one thing though. "Does he know any of this?"

"I never told him. The more I got attacked, the better I became at fighting, and after a while, they gave up when they realized that I was no easy prey." He could still clearly remember their unadulterated rage each time they beat him up, and instead of the crying and begging they were hoping to get, all they received in return was silence. He had screamed out in pain a few times, a natural response to intense physical agony, but that had been the most those cowards ever got from him. He wasn't calling them cowards because they were too scared to face Shizuo, but because they always ganged up on him. They knew he didn't possess Shizuo's strength, yet they were still too scared to face him alone.

Izaya's eyes roamed Kasuka's hunched formed. The freak was not weak at all, and that somehow explained how he was able to hit Slon so many times before the assassin finally succeeded in immobilizing him. "Still, how come Shizuo never noticed?" He didn't remember ever hearing about the brute going around town beating up people for hurting his precious little brother.

"I always warned them not touch my face if they didn't want my brother to find out, and because they were cowards, they listened to my request most of the times." It didn't always work though, so the few times he ended up with a bloody nose or a purple eye he told his parents that he was mugged by older kids, and no matter how much Shizuo asked him to describe his assailants, Kasuka pretended to not remember how they looked like. The bruises on his body were never a problem to hide, and even though it often hurt for days on end, he could easily ignore the pain and keep a straight face in front of his family.

_Oh... that explains it,_ thought Izaya. No matter how much he cut into his throat, Kasuka didn't move a muscle, but the second he threatened to cut up his face, the freak ended up losing it and attacking him. It made sense that those many years of physical abuse at the hands of the people who hated Shizuo―but didn't dare fight him fair and square―took a toll on Kasuka. Perhaps some of those idiots he sent after Shizuo back when they were still in high school ended up taking revenge on Kasuka because they couldn't bring down Ikebukuro's beast. He couldn't understand how the protozoan never noticed though. _Has the idiot always been this blind?_"You should've done something about it."

"Like what? Never go out again?"

Izaya thought he could hear bitterness in Kasuka's voice, but he couldn't be sure. It still made no sense that he'd keep quiet about something so serious. "Why didn't you ever tell him?"

_Why? The answer is so simple, but you will most likely never understand,_ he thought as he raised his head and looked Izaya in the eyes. "I didn't want him to blame himself for what was happening to me. I couldn't risk it. What if he ended up killing someone because of me?"

"That would've been his fault alone."

Kasuka shook his head. "I often blame myself for the way he turned out, because my lack of reaction in general annoyed him more than anything else in the world. You said that I was pretending to be emotionless in order to not provoke him, but you were wrong, because the first time he lifted the fridge and tried to hurl it at me for eating his pudding, I didn't even blink. I believe it was my indifferent attitude in general which drove him to start lifting heavy objects and threaten me with them just to get me to react."

Izaya could hardly believe what he was hearing. When humans sense danger, they try to run away, yet _**this thing**_ in front of him didn't even seem to understand the concept of fear very well. It was like it had no sense of self-preservation. Something was very wrong with Kasuka, of that he was certain. _Fascinating._

Kasuka had never told anyone the truth. He wanted to be human, but at the same time he wasn't certain that he could deal with all the emotions that came with it. He ended up torturing Izaya just because he didn't know how to deal with the fear he experienced when he realized that he could've lost Shizuo forever, and that made him wonder just how much worse he would react if he was to drown in a sea of emotions. "Izaya."

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry for the way I acted today, but after what you tried doing to me, and the knowledge that you tried to get my brother killed before, I couldn't stop myself from saying those hurtful words."

Izaya scoffed. "The words of a creature as empty as you mean nothing to me." _How can someone who doesn't fell anything be sorry?_

"My apology may not mean much to you, because this regret I fell―as well as everything else―feels weak, like it's been diluted, but it's still there."

Izaya's brows furrowed in confusion. "I don't understand."

Kasuka stared ahead for a while, trying to find a better explanation. Focusing his attention back to the man before him, he tried again. "I don't feel things like most people do, because these normal human emotions that you take for granted feel much lower in intensity in a person such as myself. If, and when, I feel something, the emotion is very weak."

Izaya blinked a few times, his brain still trying to process the freak's explanation. It was almost amusing in a sick, twisted way, how the two brothers were both monsters and yet complete opposites. They both kept blaming themselves for the way the other turned out, but the way Izaya saw it, it was just nature's way of saying, _"Screw you!"_ to humanity. They were an anomaly, and he finally understood why he could love all of humanity but not Heiwajima Shizuo. The beast was a mistake, and so was his brother. I'm _too tired to think about something like this right now._

"That's not all," Kasuka continued. "I wasn't being completely honest when I said that I forgave you for what happened today. I was confident in my ability to defend myself against you if I needed to, but you injected me with something, and whatever that was, it left me weak. I couldn't fight off that man, and it was frustrating."

"Apology not accepted," Izaya finally said, arms folded over his chest, eyes glaring daggers at him.

Kasuka felt that same twinge of something in his chest again. "I understand."

"What do you want from me?" He was too tired, and he wanted to crawl into bed and hopefully pass out from physical exhaustion.

_That's a good question,_ thought Kasuka and tried to phrase his request in such a way that would not upset Izaya too much. "I want you to try to get to know my brother before you decide whether you want to continue with your revenge or not."

Izaya's features twisted in anger. "I'll never forgive him for what he did."

"I'm not asking you to, but he now knows that what he did was wrong." Kasuka knew that what Shizuo had done was unforgivable, but he didn't believe that his brother deserved to die for it. _What I did today was unforgivable too._

Izaya laughed bitterly. "You're too naive. Shizu-chan is probably looking for me as we speak."

"No, because he doesn't blame you for this."

Izaya's eyes widened momentarily before narrowing into slits, his hateful glare burning holes into Kasuka. "He blames me for everything. He always has."

Kasuka knew that Izaya was right in that aspect, but for the first time in his life, Shizuo didn't blame the Informant, because he knew that his actions had been the ones to push Izaya to take such extreme measures in order to take revenge. Kasuka didn't know exactly what happened while he was unconscious, but he still couldn't believe that Shizuo would not try to murder Izaya after what he had done. The old Shizuo would've lost himself to his rage, but the Shizuo from earlier that day had been someone he hardly recognized. He couldn't remember ever seeing him act like that, and he found the whole thing to be extremely unusual. Kasuka could go as far as to call it progress. "No, not this time. He even asked me if I don't mind him not punishing you for what you have done today."

Izaya shook his head in denial. "He would never say that." Shizuo was a monster, and he would certainly come looking for him no matter what, because he was nothing more than a mindless beast who acted on its impulses, which in this case happened to be his desire to brutally murder the one who'd hurt his precious little brother.

"Yet he did." Kasuka understood why Izaya found it hard to believe, but it was true.

Izaya's hands balled into fists. "NO!" He allowed his body to slump on the couch, feeling completely exhausted._ He would never say that..._

"I still don't understand why he snapped that day," Kasuka confessed. "I know that you sent gangs after him, that you pinned crimes on him, that you made him lose his job on multiple occasions, and even went as far as to get him shot, yet he never did anything else besides chasing you around and screaming about how he was going to kill you."

Izaya frowned. "I didn't do anything. I was just taking a stroll through Ikebukuro when a vending machine hit me out of nowhere. Now that you mention it, he was acting weird that time, more so than usual." He clearly remembered how annoyed he felt when Shizuo kept being an asshole to him, even though he hadn't done anything bad in weeks. "You know, he never caught me before, no matter how hard he tried. I shouldn't have underestimated him. Usually he gives up after a while, but that evening he kept chasing me for a long time, like he was decided to catch me no matter what. I have no idea what happened that day to make him hate me so much more than usual."

"I―" Kasuka said weakly, his previously emotionless expression turning into something more human. "I think," he said, tilting his head and looking at Izaya with wide, slightly pained eyes, "I think it might've been my fault."

Izaya's body stiffened, brows furrowed in confusion, nails digging painfully into his arms. "What do you mean?"

"I sent him some clothes that day, and a suit, letting him know through a letter that I was aware about him losing his job at the bar. I wrote: 'These should be of more help to you now that you lost your job at the bar. Love, Kasuka.' It sounds cold, doesn't it? I'm a horrible brother."

Izaya's jaw stiffened and he needed a few moments to find his voice. "That's stupid, blaming yourself for what he did…"

"I'm sorry," Kasuka said, weakly, that pain in his chest returning with higher intensity.

"You might be a monster, but at least you didn't do anything today besides being a complete ass. Your brother on the other hand is a different story." Izaya let his arms fall by his sides, both his mind and body completely exhausted after such a long and painful day. "I need sleep."

Kasuka got up, picked up the coat and slipped into it, trying to ignore the blood seeping down his chest. "You're both so painfully human," he said, just before he turned around and started walking towards the door.

"Wait!" Izaya asked and pushed himself off the couch, slowly making his way towards the emotionless freak. "Even if it's you, this might hurt," he said just before he punched Kasuka in the face with all the strength he could muster.

Kasuka staggered backwards, blood already starting to flow down his chin before he leaned forward, trying to curl in on himself because of the pain overriding his senses, the coppery taste of blood in his mouth proof that the inside of his upper lip got nicked when it got smashed into his front teeth.

"Ugh!" Izaya cried out loud, his fist hurting so much that he could barely move it after using so much strength to punch the bastard in the face. "I'm not sorry," he said and flexed his fingers to confirm that none was broken.

Kasuka raised his broken hand to try to stop the blood flowing out of his broken nose with the fur on the coat's sleeve, but he stopped mid-way, Izaya's glare making him give up on that thought. He lowered his hand and used the other one to stop some of the blood from flowing out of his nose and onto Izaya's floor, but it was no use, so he slowly straightened his back, the blood now cascading down his face and throat. He was not used to getting hit in the face, and he blinked a few times, trying to get rid of the blurriness in his eyes. "You punch harder than Slon," he said as soon as he was able to find his voice.

Izaya rolled his eyes.

"I think I might need reconstructive surgery."

"If that's the case, I believe we might be even."

"Then I hope I'll need that surgery," Kasuka said before he turned around and walked out of the apartment.

_Ah, Kasuka, things might be exactly what they seem sometimes, but most of the times they aren't, _thought Izaya as he watched him leave. _Besides, Shizu-chan is not sorry... he could never be sorry._


	26. Parabola

**Chapter 26: Parabola**

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Izaya staggered to the door in order to lock it before he headed back to the couch, a malevolent expression surfacing the moment he was once again alone inside his apartment. He felt physically exhausted, but he was also sick and tired of acting nice and forgiving in front of the freak when all he had wanted to do in reality was to get the biggest kitchen knife he could find and slit Kasuka's throat as payment for humiliating him like that. That would've been counter-productive though, because he was an Informant, and information was always something he liked to have, so if listening to Kasuka's life story meant that he would get something to break either the freak or the beast, he would gladly go through it over and over again, a thousand times if need be.

He knelt in front of the table and proceeded to pick up the Chess, Othello and Shogi pieces scattered all over the floor. His fingers tightened around the Knight piece and his jaw clenched, fury racing through his entire being at his own monumental stupidity. He shouldn't have taken on the role of the Knight to save Kasuka. He was supposed to be the strategist, the man behind the game, not just a simple piece on the board, yet he ended up turning into one to save **a thing** that didn't even deserve saving. _How could I kill one of my precious humans for something as monstrous as Kasuka?_ He hated himself for making such a stupid mistake, for interrupting Slon from fucking the goddamn freak into the ground until he bled just as he himself had bleed because of Shizuo. Kasuka would've probably not even cared, so Izaya knew that he had wasted a perfectly good opportunity to destroy Shizuo. The beast would've certainly blamed himself, at least to some extent, and it would've been really hard for him to go on living with such guilt weighing on him._ I should've never taken pity on Kasuka._ Enraged, he threw the Knight piece into the nearest wall before he slumped against the table, a humorless laugh slipping past his lips. _I'm going to destroy them both, I'm going to crush them, I'm going to make the Heiwajima brothers regret ever messing with Orihara Izaya... I'm going to... I'm go― ugh... so tired,_ he thought and closed his eyes to rest them for a bit, only to fall asleep there, on the floor of his living room, with his back against the table.

That night he dreamed of a time when he was a still a god, a powerful god who watched over his people; of a time when thinking about the beast didn't make his body thrum with both fear and rage. Back then Shizuo was nothing more than a nuisance, an annoying dog which kept barking at everyone and everything at the slightest provocation, an animal that Izaya sometimes found to be amusing, but then his dream shifted and he was back in that filthy alley, his whole being overwhelmed with terror as Shizuo showed him just how easily he could break.

"―ke up."

_Huh?_

"Wake up already!"

Izaya cracked open an eye. "Na…mie?"

The woman rolled her eyes. "Who else? It's not like you have any friends."

Izaya pouted, her painfully honest answer striking a nerve. "Be that as it may, I still have you, the most caring and loving secretary one could ever hope for," he said in a sarcastic manner, his humorless laugh obviously pissing her off.

"Ok, that's it, I'm tired of this pathetic you," she said before grabbing his arm and hauling him up. There was only so much she could take before snapping and punching the bastard in the face.

Izaya felt a bit offended by her remark, but he refused to show it. "Ne, ne, Namie-san, do you think it's wise to insult your boss?" There weren't many people who treated their bosses the way she did, but Izaya didn't really mind. He was used to her insufferable attitude, and it brought some normality to his screwed up life.

She kept her mouth shut, not deigning him worthy of an answer. Instead, she dragged him up the stairs against all protests. Once there she opened the door to the bathroom and pushed him inside with more force than was necessary.

"Does Namie-san want to be the boss today?" he asked, slightly amused at the whole situation. He leaned against the wall, his entire body hurting from falling asleep on the floor. _Way to go Izaya._ He stared at the open door. "I wonder what is Namie-san doing in my room... I hope she's not getting any perverted thoughts from going through my drawers," he said out loud, knowing that Namie would surely hear him.

"Who the hell would do that?" she growled, glaring murder at him as she stomped into the bathroom, and then pushed some clothes into his face and waited for him to raise his arms in order to grab them. She was getting paid good money, and she refused to lose such a great job because Izaya was sitting around mopping all day long.

"Ah, did Namie-san go through my underwear drawer?" he said, amusement clear in his voice. _It must've been really awkward for her,_ he thought, and he had to struggle really hard to not burst into laughter.

Arms folded over her chest, she threw him the most disgusted look she could muster. "It was necessary."

Izaya chuckled as he set the clothes down. "I have such a loving secretary... I think I'm about to shed a few tears of joy," he said and wiped away a non-existing tear.

Namie just snorted and turned around. "You'd better be ready to work by the time you get out, because if I see you mopping around again, I swear that I'm going to murder you and take over your business. No one needs an useless Informant. Got it?"

Izaya raised a hand to his head and saluted. "Understood!"

"Tch, then get to it," she said just before she slammed the door hard enough to make both of them wince.

Izaya walked to the sink on unsteady legs, picked up a plastic cup and drank some much needed water. He put the cup down and glared at his reflection in the mirror. _I look terrible,_ he thought dejectedly. He turned on the faucet and let the bathtub fill with water while he gingerly took off his clothes and inspected Shinra's work, which looked like someone had hacked into his body before messily sewing it up. He was a wreck, those weeks of starving himself taking a tool on him. He was back to eating food again, but he knew that he was still too thin. The last time he checked his weight had been the day when he made the mistake of getting caught by Shizuo. After that, he couldn't even stand to look at his body anymore, not when all he could see where the bruises covering his once flawless skin. He shuddered and shook his head. _The bruises he inflicted are long gone, _he told himself as he stared at his body for a while, trying to convince himself that they were truly gone. It took him a while to succeed, but it worked, so he finally stepped into the tub and sat down, a sigh slipping past his lips at the pleasant feeling of hot water on his cold skin, before he ended up cringing as the scorching liquid came in contact with his stitched up wound. _I should've put a waterproof bandage on Shinra's 'work of art'._

He allowed his head to drop on the edge of the tub before he closed his eyes and stayed like that for a while. Namie wasn't the only one tired of his pathetic self. He felt ashamed about the way he had reacted during his encounter with Kasuka, his already shattered pride turning to dust and getting swept away by the wind. _I can't let that happen again._

He opened his eyes, grabbed the soap and the sponge and proceeded to clean himself up. He was still ok, he was alive, and he wasn't hurt anymore. _Izaya, snap out of it already, _he told himself,_ it was just sex... forced, brutal, ruthless sex, but still sex, so get over it already! The only way to win is to stop being afraid. You're a fallen god, but still a god, so climb back up no matter what. You cannot live on the ground with the rest of humanity._ He would bet everything on the next encounter with the beast, where he would either rise or fade to black; there was no middle ground. If he could survive an encounter without succumbing to the fear, he knew that he would be all right. He chuckled darkly. With the information Kasuka oh-so-willingly provided, he could easily make the beast suffer. He had no plans of telling him right away though, because he was going to drag it for as long as possible, until Shizuo dropped to his knees and begged to be told the truth. _I'm going to have to take a photo when that happens, and then upload it on the Internet._ He chuckled some more and stretched like a cat, his stiff joints cracking and popping as a result of the action.

It wasn't the first time one of his plans had failed, nor would it be the last. He would not attempt the same thing again though; it would be redundant, and Izaya liked to believe that he wasn't such a boring person. At least he wasn't feeling guilty anymore about what he had done to Kasuka, and that was good.

His eyes drifted over to the shampoo bottle and he remembered that he really needed a haircut, which somehow made him think of sharp things that could cut, and that reminded him of his switchblade. "Tch!" _What's with the Heiwajima brothers, always taking away my knives?_ He glowered at the bottle as though it had just insulted him before he poured a generous amount of shampoo on his hand and proceeded to wash his hair. He scowled at the feeling of its length, not liking how easy it'd be for someone to grab it. _Haircut, today._

"Still alive?" Namie asked from behind the door, making Izaya jump in surprise. "You've been in there for a long time."

He cursed under his breath, hating how noise could easily startle him. "I'm fine!"

"Oh, I see. In that case, I guess I'm going to have to use that fake will another time."

Izaya's hands froze in his hair, brows furrowed in confusion. He could almost hear her malicious chuckle through the door. "What will?"

"That will in which you leave me everything."

"Naaaaaamiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!" he growled, "you're such an awful person! I'd rather donate all my money to charity."

Namie snorted at the comment. "In that case, I'd rather eat that fatty tuna myself instead of leaving it to you."

Izaya's eyes lightened up. "Did you say fatty tuna?"

"Maybe..." she said before he heard her walk away.

"Namie... Namie... Namie! Don't you dare eat that!" he warned and proceeded to wash his hair so that he could get out of there and eat. He was so hungry that he would've eaten a horse, and that said a lot.

He grabbed the towel to dry himself off once he was done, and then put his clothes on before he glared at the bathroom scale as soon as it entered his field of vision. Last time he stepped on it, his weight had been fifty-eight kilograms, but now he feared that it was much lower. He took a step towards it and froze on the spot, trying to decide whether to do it or not. _Do it,_ said a voice in his head, so Izaya steeled himself and stepped on it. He slowly lowered his head until he saw the number, and strangely enough, he felt relieved that it wasn't as low as he had expected it to be. He smiled. _Fifty-four is not that bad_. He stepped down, slapped a bandage over the wound, and strode out of the bathroom and into his office. "Where is it?" he asked, his mouth watering at the mere thought of eating fresh fatty tuna.

Namie snickered and pointed towards the bag on her desk.

Izaya beamed as his eyes zero-ed in on it, fingers latching onto the bag as he picked it up and bounced over to his desk. He sat down and opened it, eyes glowing at the sight of those perfectly-looking pieces of pale pink meat adorned with rich white streaks of buttery fat. He anxiously grabbed the chopsticks and picked up a piece before putting it into his mouth, the cool, meaty texture of raw tuna melting as he ate it. "Namie-san is the best secretary I've ever had!" he said cheerfully.

"Tch, I'm the only secretary you've ever had," she said and shot him a nasty glare.

Izaya snickered as he picked up another piece. "My point exactly."

"Hey..."

Izaya turned his head towards her. "Hmm?"

"I don't know what happened to you, but I think it's time you moved on."

Izaya started coughing, a piece of fatty tuna going the wrong way. "Namie-san! I'm trying to eat here," he whined once he was able to talk again.

Namie looked at him for a moment before turning her attention back to the screen of her laptop. "Finish that and get to work."

Izaya pouted, suddenly feeling offended by her remark. "But I've been working this whole time!"

Namie's head snapped his way. "Easy jobs with awful payment that you can do from the comfort of your own apartment."

Izaya lowered his head and stared blankly at his food. "No, really, I've been working on an important job for a while now, I swear, but anyway, don't worry, I'm back now."

"Good," she said and started typing away.

Izaya watched her for a moment, trying to gather the courage to ask his next question. "Namie-san, are there any jobs in Ikebukuro?"

Namie looked at him in surprise as she got up, picked up a few files and dropped them on his desk before going back to her own. "Pick one."

His brows furrowed as he glared at her. "Why aren't these in digital format?"

"Because I didn't feel like typing them on the computer," she answered in a cold tone that left no argument.

He glared at her some more before he hesitantly picked up the one at the top of the pile and went through the pages before dropping it and moving to the next one. "Boring," he said after a while, "so boring... why are they all boring?"

Namie ignored him and kept on typing.

"Is Namie-san giving me the cold shoulder now? Ah, I'm hurt, I'm so very hurt, and here I was, thinking that we were just starting to get along," Izaya said, expression set into a pout but then he ended up cringing when he noticed Namie's sardonic smile. "Ok, I get it, I get it. Thanks for the food, I'll get to work now, before you end up murdering me and stealing my fortune."

"I'm glad we're on the same page," she said before dropping a few more files on his desk.

Izaya grimaced as he looked at the huge pile of files. _I can do this,_ he thought and picked up another piece of fatty tuna, eyes rolling in the back of his head at the sheer pleasure he got from tasting such a delicacy. _I'm not going to hide anymore, because I'm bringing the battle to you, Shizu-chan._


	27. Haunted

**Chapter 27: Haunted**

.

Shizuo woke up with a start, a hopeless plea of "stop" slipping passed dry lips. Wild shivers wracked his sweaty frame, teeth chattering as images from his nightmare refused to evanesce, eyes darting around the room to make sure that it had been nothing more than a bad dream, that he wasn't actually hurting Kasuka in such a way. The nightmare had been different this time around. Unlike the previous times, he wasn't dissociating himself from his own actions anymore in a desperate subconscious attempt to lessen the guilt. He often had nightmares about that night, each time waking up just a little more broken than before. It was like he was trapped in his own body while the monster that was Ikebukuro's beast did terrible things to Izaya. This time however he was the one making Izaya bleed as he thrust and thrust and thrust into the unwilling body, a part of him wanting to destroy the man beyond repair, while the other part of him, perhaps a last vestige of his humanity, begged the beast to stop. The nightmare was terrible enough as it was, but somewhere along the line he heard Izaya's accusing voice when he said, _"you, Shizu-chan, you're Slon,"_ and, to his own horror, he saw Izaya's image morph into that of Kasuka, and no matter how much he pleaded and cried for the nightmare to end, he couldn't stop himself from hurting his little brother in the same manner that he had hurt Izaya. He could honestly say that it had been the worst nightmare he had ever had. He felt bile rise in his throat at the recollection and he rushed to the bathroom, but he refused to throw up, so instead he kept his eyes squeezed shut and tried to fight off the nausea, knuckles turning white from how hard he was struggling to not crush the sink under his fingers until finally he reigned it in and turned the faucet on to splash some cold water on his face. His limbs shook with fine tremors, and he inhaled a ragged breath, scrubbing a hand over his face in an effort to fully wake up.

His little brother was fine. They had barely dodged a bullet by Izaya's grace alone. The man hadn't gone through with his cruel plan, and for that Shizuo would be forever grateful. A broken laugh erupted from his dry throat at the irony of it all as the memories of all those times he had called Izaya a monster came back to him. Even though neither of them was human enough, Izaya had still been unable to do it, which meant that the man he always thought of as a monster was more human that Shizuo himself had ever been. Then again, he knew that he was no longer human, not after what he had done, because a real man would've just killed off the flea instead of trying to use sex as a weapon to break him. That night he'd been driven by pure, savage, primitive behavior, and it shamed him to know that he could ever treat another human being that way, even if said person happened to be the flea. He now understood why people often said that power corrupts. The second Izaya was in his grasp, his mind had been intoxicated at the prospect of finally paying him back for all the things the man had done to him over the years. He had finally succeeded in catching the annoying prey that seemed to defy gravity, and to have such a tough opponent at his mercy made him succumb to his most primal desire of wanting to break and destroy the man out of a sense of unadulterated anger. He knew exactly what he was doing, but it was only after the victory's euphoria had run out that he truly understood the gravity of the situation. His aim had been to humiliate, debase and to hurt Izaya so that the man would understand just how much he hated him; the tragic thing was that he succeeded in his endeavor. He ran a wet hand through his hair and looked in the mirror for a second before he turned around when he realized how much he hated the person looking back at him.

Breathing deeply, he willed the tension in his body to dissipate before he walked out of the bathroom and picked up the phone from the coffee table. He didn't know who put it there, because the last time he remembered having it in his hands was when Celty knocked on his door with an unconscious Kasuka in her arms. He must've dropped it back then. It really was a miracle the thing was still working. He needed to know if Kasuka was all right, so he dialed the number, raised the phone to his ear and waited for him to pick up.

_"Hello."_

He ran a hand through his hair and sat down on the couch. He didn't know why, but he suddenly found it really hard to talk to Kasuka―not that talking to his seemingly emotionless brother had ever been easy. "Hey..." he finally said and held his breath, hoping that Kasuka didn't hate him enough to never want to talk to him again.

_"Is something wrong?"_ he asked. Kasuka was expecting to get a call from Shizuo, especially after he bailed in the middle of the night without so much as a word.

_Everything is wrong,_ thought Shizuo and struggled to swallow the lump in his throat so that he could speak. "Are you... are you all right?"

_"I'm fine."_

Shizuo grit his teeth in annoyance. Of course Kasuka would say he was fine, he always said that, just like all those other times when he got bullied by other kids for money. It pissed him off that Kasuka was always so passive when it came to everything. "You were hurt pretty badly."

_"They took care of my broken wrist at the hospital."_

Shizuo's fingers clenched around the phone. "That's not... that's not the only thing I'm worried about." He knew that Kasuka wasn't weak, which meant that his little brother could easily deal with the physical injuries, but it didn't mean that he wasn't worried about him. Still, considering how much worse it could've been, his brother was damn lucky for being able to leave that place with only a broken wrist. He'd seen the video, so he knew exactly how far Slon had gotten before Izaya jumped in to stop him. No matter how emotionless his little brother seemed to be, Shizuo knew that wasn't the case. He realized that perhaps he should stop beating around the bush and just ask him directly. "What I really want to know is how are YOU doing?"

Kasuka was expecting the question, because it was just like Shizuo to worry about him all the time. _"I'm good."_ He figured that perhaps it was time for Shizuo to understand that he wasn't a little kid anymore, that he wasn't someone weak who needed his protection all the time. He never wanted it to begin with, and he never asked for it even when he might've needed it, so he wasn't about to start now.

Shizuo jumped to his feet and started pacing around the room. "After what happened?! How can you?" It was exactly the type of attitude he couldn't stand; no matter how much Kasuka pretended to be emotionless, he knew that wasn't the case. He hated how his little brother refused to be honest with him even in such a serious situation.

_"It didn't affect me as badly as you think it did."_

Shizuo's whole body stiffened. He couldn't stand it when Kasuka lied to him like that, and even though he didn't want to fight over the phone, he still couldn't help but snap at him. "It's my fault you had to go through that in the first place! Do you even understand what could've happened to you?"

_"I understand, but nothing happened, so there's no point in dwelling over it."_

"Are you even listening to yourself?!" There was silence from Kasuka's end, so Shizuo continued. "I'll be waiting for you, so come over as soon as you have some free time."

Kasuka had expected the request, but he wasn't about to oblige._ "I'm sorry, but I'm busy."_

"How about tomorrow?"

Even if he wanted to go, Kasuka couldn't, not after messing up everyone's schedule. They were left with no choice but to film the action scenes where he'd be injured in the movie. _"I'm leaving Tokyo tomorrow."_

Shizuo sighed, exasperated, and continued to pace around the room. "Then come over today."

_"I really can't, I'm sorry."_

"Don't run away from me!" Shizuo demanded in a rough voice.

_"I'm not."_

Shizuo could already feel fear clawing at his guts. "Is it because you finally understand what I've done? Is that why you don't want to see me anymore?"

_"It has nothing to do with you."_

"Are you afraid of me?" He dreaded to hear the answer, but he needed to know anyway. If his little brother said _"yes",_ he would stay away from Kasuka no matter how much it would pain him to do so.

_"You know, nii-san, not everything is about you. I'm not, nor will I ever be afraid of you. I've told you that a thousand times before. How many times do you want me to repeat myself before you get it through that thick skull of yours?"_

Shizuo wanted to believe those words more than anything, but he still had doubts. "Then why don't you want to see me anymore?" he asked, and he hated how meek his voice had sounded.

Kasuka stayed silent for a while, his thoughts going back to the events of the previous night. He knew he had acted like a horrible person, and that wasn't what he wanted to be. He wasn't like that. _"Because I've done enough damage already."_

"What...?"

_"I've said some terrible things to Izaya because of what you tried to do yesterday. I don't want to do such a thing again. I need to stay away for a while. I hope you understand."_

Shizuo gasped in surprise, suddenly feeling weary about the whole situation. "You talked to Izaya?"

_"I've met him last night."_

"Are you insane?!" he nearly screeched. Kasuka should've known better than to seek out the man who kidnapped him. "Are you all right? Did he hurt you?"

_"No, I'm fine. I'm the one who hurt him."_

Shizuo's brows furrowed in confusion. "Huh?"

_"Please understand."_

"Did you tell him that I tried to kill myse―"

_"No, I didn't tell him. I'm sorry, but I have to go now. I'll be back in a couple of weeks."_

"Wai―"

_"Good bye."_

Shizuo dropped the phone back on the coffee table, grabbed the pack of cigarettes and the lighter, and slumped back on the couch. "What the hell...?" He placed a cigarette between his lips and lit it up. If Kasuka had pissed Izaya off, then perhaps it was better for him to stay away from Tokyo for a while. There was no telling how far Izaya would go, and Shizuo was certain that the man was nowhere near finished taking his revenge. He also realized that it was about time he grew a pair and properly apologized to Izaya; not that it'd magically make everything better, but because it was the right thing to do. _A proper apology,_ he thought, not the shit he'd pulled that time at Shinra's apartment when he almost strangled the insect to death. He took a drag from the cigarette and closed his eyes, trying to think of a way to get Izaya to listen to him. It'd have to be in a public place because he knew that Izaya wouldn't like the idea of being alone with him, not after they had almost killed each other the last time they happened to end up together in the same room. He picked up the phone and stared at it for a while, steeling himself to call Izaya. "Here goes nothing." He dialed the number and waited, but the man didn't pick up, and Shizuo couldn't really blame him, not after what he'd done to him.

He put the phone back on the coffee table and got up, took off his clothes, threw them in with the rest of the dirty laundry, and went to take a shower. The hot water felt nice on his cold skin, and he dreaded the idea of going outside when it was so cold, but he knew that he had no choice. His bills weren't going to pay themselves. Suddenly, a shiver ran down his spine at the thought that instead of taking a shower he could've still been clinging to Kasuka's broken body had Izaya gone through with the plan. A bleak laugh fell from his lips and he leaned against the bathroom tiles, the urge to punch something getting stronger by the minute. He wished that Izaya would've succeeded in killing him that night with that same knife that Shizuo tried to plunge into his own heart in a pathetic attempt to end his useless existence; he sure as hell deserved it. He didn't have time to mop around though, unless he wanted to be late for work, so he pushed himself away from the wall and quickly washed before drying himself off with a towel and rushing to his bedroom to get dressed. He put on underwear, an undershirt, and picked a black hoodie and a pair of black pants to wear for the day. He almost laughed at the irony; Izaya was supposed to be the one dressed in black while he wore the bartender uniform. They were obviously not as expensive as the stuff Izaya wore, but Shizuo wasn't a rich bastard, so he only bought stuff he could afford. He had a bunch of expensive clothes from Kasuka, but he didn't want to get blood stains on them in case he'd have to beat up some punk at work. He gave up on his bartender uniform after that night. There was no point in using it anymore, not when Kasuka knew that he had lost his job. At least people still recognized and avoided him as much as possible, even without his trademark uniform; no one wanted to set off Ikebukuro's beast. He still dyed his hair blond though; he couldn't give up on that, not when it served as a warning to those around him to not get too close. He smiled at the memory of Tom suggesting he dyed his hair, before his smile fell when he realized how late he was for work. He cursed out loud and looked for Izaya's switchblade, knowing that he wouldn't be able to leave the apartment if he didn't have it with him. He saw it stick out from behind the couch, so he picked it up, cleaned the dry blood off it, grabbed his cigarette, lighter, phone and keys before he put his jacket and shoes on and rushed out the door.

"Hey," said Tom when he saw his employee show up at the usual rendezvous spot.

"Mornin'." It was a cold, foggy day, and Shizuo wanted nothing more than to go back to his apartment, curl under the covers of his bed and stay there until he felt ready to face the world. He certainly wasn't feeling ready as he walked down the street with Tom to collect money from some poor unfortunate soul who borrowed too much and couldn't pay back.

"Are you feeling all right?" Tom asked when he saw that Shizuo looked paler than usual. In fact, it looked like the man was about to pass out or something.

"I'm good, just a bit tired, s'all." He always felt tired. He could never get a good night's sleep anymore, not when he was constantly plagued by nightmares. He did feel worse than usual though, but it was to be expected after the emotional rollercoaster of the day before. He felt completely drained, like all of the energy had been sucked right out of him, leaving behind nothing but an empty husk. He dropped the butt of the cigarette he had just finished smoking and slipped another one between his lips, and then kept on chain-smoking one cigarette after another.

Tom stared at him for a bit, his expression one of worry. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"I'm sure." _Shit,_ he inwardly cursed, _am I this transparent?_

Tom gave him a skeptical look but he stayed silent for a while, until finally deciding that he had enough. "For how long have we known each other?"

"Too long," Shizuo mumbled as he took another drag from the cigarette. He stopped counting them after the fourth one.

"Exactly! That's why I know something's wrong."

Shizuo's eye twitched and he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, cigarette hanging loosely between his lips. "I'm fine, really."

Tom sighed and stopped in his tracks. "Look, I've kept quiet until now, because you know how I don't like to meddle into other people's business, but I'm really worried about you. You don't look too well."

Shizuo ran a hand through his hair and stopped as well. He threw the butt of the latest smoked cigarette on the ground and stepped on it before he lit up another one and turned to face his boss. "I've been having some personal problems lately, but I'm trying to work through them."

Tom knew that Shizuo wasn't telling him everything, but he didn't think that insisting would be a wise idea. The best he could do was to offer his support and hope that his friend would take it if he ever needed it. "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

Shizuo forced a smile on his face to reassure Tom. He really hated to see other people worry about him. Someone like him didn't deserve to have such good people as friends. "Thanks, I will."

Tom was certain that the man would never ask for help no matter what, but he also knew that Shizuo would appreciate any help being offered to him. His friend always had a low opinion of himself, and Tom hated that, because Shizuo was a good person, no matter what other people thought of him. He'd seen him upset before, but it was never this bad, and never for so long, so there really was no wonder that he was worried. His employee was slowly turning into a walking corpse, and he didn't like that. An idea popped into his head, so he hooked an arm around Shizuo's neck and smiled broadly. "Let's go get you some cake and a milkshake."

"We don't have ti―"

"We do, we do," Tom said and started dragging Shizuo towards the nearest place where they could get some of those sweets that his friend loved so much. He actually had to push Shizuo down on the chair in order to make him sit down, but after that the man mostly kept quiet as he slowly ate the cake ordered for him. Tom only drank a soda because he wasn't in the mood to eat anything else, but he knew that sweets always made Shizuo feel better, and that was the only thing that mattered. He did find it weird that the man wasn't as enthusiastic as he used to be when it came to sweets. _Hmm, when did this start,_ he wondered, and thought back at the time when he noticed the first change in Shizuo. It was around the time when the blond stopped wearing the bartender uniform, muttering something about there being no point in keeping up the pretense anymore. After that, Shizuo kept getting worse by the day, as though he was being haunted by something. _I guess it started a couple of months ago._ He watched Shizuo as he ate, the blank look on the man's face telling him that he wasn't particularly enjoying the dessert. "Do you want to try something else?"

Shizuo shook his head and forced a smile on his face. "No, this is great, thanks." He inwardly cursed himself for the slip-up, really hating to see Tom worrying about him. He pretended to enjoy eating the rest of the cake, and once he was done, they both went back to work. The guy they were about to visit was someone who kept evading them, so he couldn't help but wonder how did Tom succeed in finding the man. He figured he could use it as a topic of conversation, because the stifling silence was starting to get to him. "How did you find him?" he finally asked and watched as Tom scratched his head and averted his eyes as though he was guilty of something. Shizuo's brows furrowed in confusion. "What...?"

Tom laughed nervously. "Orihara Izaya found him for me."

Shizuo immediately tensed, wondering how many times had Izaya been to Ikebukuro without him noticing. "When did you meet him?"

Tom scratched his head as he stared into space. "Ah, I didn't. I only talked to him on the phone. Now that you mention it, I do find it strange that he hasn't shown his face in Ikebukuro in such a long time. You've probably heard the rumors about him being dead, right?"

Shizuo grimaced. Of course he had, and the sad thing was that Izaya had actually almost died. "Yeah, he finally answered," his voice thick with emotion.

"I thought it was funny how everyone accused you of murdering him," Tom continued, smiling, and gave him a pat on the back, "but that's just because they don't know you like I do."

Shizuo stiffened. _You don't know me; you don't know me at all!_ It was more painful to hear someone say that he was a good person instead of being called a monster. Still, this was not about him. "Hey, do you happen to know where he lives?"

"Don't tell me you want to go there and kill him once and for all." Tom was always worried when it came to Shizuo and Izaya, because he could never tell what they would do next.

Shizuo shook his head. "No, I only want to talk to him about something."

Tom gave him a skeptical look, trying to figure out why Shizuo would suddenly ask for Izaya's address. "I'm sorry, Shizuo, but I still need you, so I can't afford to let you get caught by the police for murdering Orihara Izaya."

Shizuo grabbed his friend's shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes. "I won't hurt him, I give you my word."

Tom watched him for a long time, trying to figure out if Shizuo was serious about it or not. Truth be told, it wasn't that hard to find out where the Informant lived, so it wasn't like Shizuo couldn't find him if he were to start asking around. He sighed. "Fine. It's not like his address is a state secret, it's just that you've never tried to find him before," he said as he took out the man's business card from his wallet.

Shizuo's arm fell back to his side. It was true that he had never tried to find Izaya before no matter how many times he'd told the flea that he'd kill him. He was happy enough just knowing that Izaya stayed out of Ikebukuro, and that was why he never bothered to chase him into Shinjuku.

"Here," Tom said and handed him Izaya's business card. "Try not to kill him. I still need you."

Shizuo nodded slowly and proceeded to follow Tom as the man crossed the street, unable to take his eyes off the business card. It didn't even surprise him that the thing was black, the silver writing giving the whole thing an elegant look. _So Izaya-like..._ Making one of those things had probably been expensive, but he knew that Izaya could easily afford it because the bastard made a lot of money selling and buying information. _I don't have time for this right now,_ he thought just before he slipped the card into his wallet and shoved the thing back into the pocket of his pants. _I'll go see him after work._ He wasn't looking forward to it, but he sure as hell had to go nonetheless. Izaya wasn't answering his phone, so Shizuo was left with no other choice. _This is going to be a long day,_ he thought and sighed, following Tom into the apartment building of their first 'client' for the day. _A very long day..._


	28. The Night Beckons

**Chapter 28: The Night Beckons**

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The air was cold as Shizuo made his way towards Izaya's apartment, the icy wind viciously biting into the skin of his face. He wasn't even there, yet he was already feeling faint, an incessant feeling of nausea taking root into his very being, blood freezing in his veins at the prospect of the upcoming meeting. He severely doubted that he could have a proper conversation with the man, let alone apologize, because the only way in which the two of them ever 'talked' had been through fists, switchblade slashes and whatever object of the urban landscaped happened to be in his path. Nothing about the two of them was normal, so it stood to reason that their conversation would be anything but conventional. There would most likely be fighting, and Izaya might even try to kill him, but that was fine, because he didn't mind dying by the Informant's hands after the man had saved Kasuka from what could've been the same intense physical and emotional pain that he himself had inflicted upon him that night when he ended up abandoning his humanity with the sole intent of damaging his sworn enemy beyond repair. It was becoming more and more tiring to always think about that one night when he made the biggest mistake of his life, but perhaps that was part of his punishment, to feel as though he was stuck in a deep, dark pit with no way out, haunted by the man who succeeded in obliterating the weak brake he had on his usually blind fury.

He shivered when a particular strong gust of wind swept by as he kept on walking, at the same time realizing that he was already in front of the apartment building in which Izaya resided. He scrubbed a hand over his face in an unsuccessful attempt to fully awake from wherever his mind had been wandering, and he sighed in frustration before trying to take a step up the stairs, only to freeze in his tracks when his body refused to move. _Eh?_ Fortunately, he didn't have time to dwell on his lack of courage. He saw Izaya walk out of the building, the man's speed suggesting that he was in a hurry to get somewhere. Shizuo instinctively spun around, taken by surprise by the unexpected appearance. Luckily he had the hood on, so his blonde hair hadn't stood out like a beacon for Izaya to spot. It wasn't like he was hiding, but he didn't want their meeting to happen in such a place either, so he waited a bit until Izaya put some distance between them before he proceeded to surreptitiously pursue him.

Izaya was as fast as ever, not running but not quite walking either, making Shizuo wonder where he was heading and with whom he was meeting to cause him to be in such a hurry. It wasn't like it was any of his business, but he was curious to know if perhaps Izaya was doing most of his business in Shinjuku now because he was too scared to go back to Ikebukuro where he knew his rapist resided. _Shit,_ he inwardly cursed, cringing at the notion of him being nothing more than one of those disgusting rapists that every decent human being wished to wipe out from existence. Even most criminals looked down upon someone like him, because he was one of the worst types of offenders society had to offer. Life used to be much easier when he was only the rage monster who had the people in Ikebukuro run away screaming each time he lost his temper, and he never imagined how happy he would be if he could turn back time and go back to being just Ikebukuro's beast and nothing else. He could feel a bitter laugh starting to well up deep within, and he pressed his lips tightly together in order to contain it, not wanting to alert Izaya of his presence, but the man didn't seem to pay any attention to his surroundings, as though his mind was set on a particular destination as he swiftly made his way through Shinjuku's dark streets and alleys. _The hell is he doing,_ thought Shizuo as he trailed the Informant under the cover of the dark, careful with each step he took as to not reveal his presence. _Good job, Heiwajima Shizuo,_ he thought bitterly, _now you're not only a rapist, but a stalker too_. He was craving a smoke so badly that he unconsciously withdrew the cigarettes and lighter from his pocket before coming back to his senses and shoving them back inside with a low growl, inwardly berating himself for the slip up while he ground his teeth harder in pure frustration at being unable to feed his addiction.

He didn't have time to dwell on it though, because Izaya abruptly stopped, and Shizuo barely had enough time to dash behind a corner in order to avoid being seen. He felt his heartbeat quicken, and he was starting to turn paranoid thinking that Izaya might be able to hear his racing heart even from where he was standing, but the rational part of his brain knew that was not possible given the large distance between them. Then again, there really was no wonder he was nervous, because Heiwajima Shizuo didn't sneak around, it wasn't his style, and he most certainly did not follow Orihara Izaya in the middle of the night like some sort of fucked up creep stalking his victim. _But that's exactly what you're doing, idiot,_ he berated himself while struggling to stand still and to not make any noises that would alert Izaya of his presence. He had no idea how to explain himself if the man were to catch him spying―even though he wasn't exactly spying―but it wasn't like the flea would ever understand how hard it was for him to seek him out. _Why's this bastard not going to a populated area already?_ He risked a glance around the corner and saw that Izaya was talking to some suspicious guy who was handing him something. There was obviously nothing legit about the whole thing, but Shizuo couldn't have cared less, because it wasn't like he ever thought of Izaya as being a decent human being to begin with. He knew exactly what the Informant was, _a freakin' bastard and one of the biggest trolls in existence._

Just because Shizuo stopped blaming him for what happened, it didn't mean he suddenly thought that Izaya didn't deserve anything bad happening to him, or that he saw him as this poor, innocent thing who was not guilty of any sin. Izaya was still an awful human being, and Shizuo had a feeling that the flea would never change no matter what happened to him. He knew that he'd succeeded in breaking him somehow, the proof being Izaya's wild behavior that time when they met at Shinra' place, but he also knew that the man would always bounce back no matter what, because that was who Orihara Izaya was. There was also the matter of Izaya trying to get Kasuka raped as revenge for what happened to him, and while Shizuo knew that too was completely his fault, it still bothered him that his little brother ended up getting involved in his mess. Izaya should've gone for him instead, but if he had, then he wouldn't have been the cruel bastard that Shizuo had known for so many years. Judging by their long time feud, it was surprising that Izaya hadn't tried to use Kasuka against him sooner. Their animosity was well known throughout Ikebukuro, and while they hated each other's guts, they had never before attempted to get their families involved. No matter what kind of bastard Izaya was, Shizuo would never hurt Mairu and Kururi in order to piss off the flea. Not that the bastard would ever get mad to begin with even if he did. It didn't look like he had any sort of affection for his little sisters. The most important person to Izaya was Izaya himself, so when Shizuo hurt him, the man thought it was only fair that he hurt Kasuka, because he knew that Shizuo cared about his little brother more than he cared about himself. _Why I did I have to piss off such an insane guy,_ he thought dejectedly.

He took another peek around the corner and watched as the other guy walked away while Izaya appeared to be typing a message on his phone before putting it back into his pocket and walking away as well. The flea seemed to pick up speed, so Shizuo hurried to follow before he would end up losing him, accidentally tripping on a can of something, the metallic sound attracting Izaya's attention. Shizuo immediately glued himself to the wall and hoped that Izaya hadn't seen him, the almost crimson gaze slanted his way making a shiver run down his spine. It wasn't that he was scared of the man, but what terrified him was what the Informant could do. From all the people he could've made as an enemy, he just had to piss off the most dangerous one of the bunch. It felt as though he was playing with fire, and he was starting to regret his decision of following him. He breathed in relief when he saw Izaya turn around and decided that it was best to go home and look for him the next day. _Ugh, where the hell am I,_ he wondered when he realized he had no clue where he ended up after following Izaya through the dark narrow streets of Shinjuku. _Freakin' louse!_ He sighed in annoyance and tried to find his way to a busier street from where he could figure out where the hell he was. He pushed his hands into the pockets of his jacket to retrieve his cigarettes and lighter as he passed a trash can, right at that moment getting jumped by someone before he was pushed face first into a wall, the blade of a knife lightly swaying barely a hair's breadth away from the skin of his throat as he nervously swallowed. He couldn't see who it was, but judging by the fur tickling his jaw, it had to be none other than Izaya.

"Why are you following me?" Izaya asked, emphasizing his question by pushing the sharp edge of the switchblade harder into the man's skin.

Shizuo couldn't remember ever being in such a vulnerable position before, and even though it was freezing cold outside, he could feel a bead of sweat rolling down the side of his face. No matter how he looked at it, the flea had both the power and the motivation to snuff his life, and it was ridiculous how the thought somehow frightened him even after he had attempted to end his own life before.

Izaya was starting to get tired of the man's silence, so he pushed the other's head harder into the wall. "Answer the question!"

Shizuo scrunched his eyes, teeth grinding hard against each other in frustration at having been caught, the skin of his forehead getting scraped along the wall as Izaya kept pushing his face against the rough surface. He found himself opening and closing his mouth a few times before finally finding the courage to speak. "I-Izaya..."

The voice was so faint that Izaya would've missed it had he not been listening carefully, and even though that was not how the brute usually sounded, he was almost certain it was him. The grip on his switchblade faltered for a moment and he felt his pulse pick up, heart ratcheting up to an unsteady rhythm in his rib cage as he used his left hand to pull down the hood to better see if the one he had pinned to a wall was really Shizuo, his stomach roiling with sickening intensity at the thought that he could be so close to the beast who broke him into more pieces than he could count. He tried to stay calm but it was no use, his breath turning labored the second he saw Shizuo's blonde hair in the dim light, and even though his instinct urged him to get away right at that second, his rational mind told him to stay where he was and to not let go. For once he was the one who was in control, and he had no intention of giving Shizuo any leverage to free himself, so he snaked a hand into the blonde locks and tightened his hold until he heard a grunt slipping past the beast's lips. "Shizu-chan," he viciously spat out the words, disgust raging through him at being forced to touch the man he despised more than anyone and anything in the entire world, "were you trying to go for round two as punishment for what I did to your freak of a brother?"

Shizuo actually felt offended by the question, and he barely suppressed a snarl knowing that it would not help his cause. "Like I'd ever do something like that again," he said in a thick voice, heart clenching at the realization that those who knew what happened would always think of him as capable of doing the same thing a second time. The sad thing was that he couldn't really blame him, not after almost fucking the man to death. He felt the sharp edge of the switchblade cut a thin line into his skin and he groaned, wondering if perhaps this was the end for him.

**"Liar,"** Izaya said in a low, dangerous tone, fury stirring at Shizuo's words. He was on full alert, tension bleeding into his rigid, ready stance as he sliced some more into his enemy's neck, the feeling of the warm blood slowly streaming down his skin from the fresh cut on the beast's throat making him shudder in disgust. He knew that he was imagining it as a consequence of being so close to the beast, but it felt as though that awful pain he had been forced to live with for weeks on end still lingered between his legs as a bad memory that would never go away. Shizuo's poison had slithered into his very being, and Izaya knew that he could never get rid of the taint on his body no matter how much he wished otherwise. A wry laugh spilled past his lips as his limbs shook with fine tremors, and he hoped that Shizuo couldn't tell just how terrified he was, even though he was the one who had Ikebukuro's beast at his mercy. They were in a dark alley where no one could see them, which meant that he could easily terminate the beast's pathetic existence and get away with it, especially with the contacts he had in the police department, and yet he didn't want to do it because he didn't think that Shizuo had suffered enough for his sins. It took everything he had to hold himself back from slitting the monster's throat and leading the beast to an untimely end, but he consoled himself with the knowledge that Shizuo's suffering was far from being over. He would not be satisfied until the beast would grovel on his knees in front of him and beg for forgiveness. He harshly yanked on the blonde hair until the beast's ear was right next to his lips, baring his throat more openly to the switchblade. "Let's pretend for a second that I believe you," he said in a voice so cold that it took even him by surprise, "mind explaining why you've been following me?"

Unease raised the hairs on the back of his neck and Shizuo gulped, the almost tangible bloodlust that Izaya was giving off reminding him of all the cruelty the man was capable of committing. Izaya would most likely not believe him no matter what he said, yet he had no choice but to try. "Look, it's not what you think," he said, Izaya's humorless laugh making him cringe. "I was on my way to your apartment when I saw you coming out of the building and―"

"Did you beat up Shinra for the address?" Izaya asked with a frown and hoped that was not the case.

Shizuo felt as though an invisible fist gripped his heart and squeezed it without mercy the second he heard the question. "I would never do that." He knew that he had done a lot of bad things, but to go as far as to beat up his former friend for an address was not something he would ever do. "I got your business card from Tom," he answered reluctantly.

"Ah, guess who's not getting my help from now on?" said Izaya as a matter-of-fact. "So you thought that it'd be a good idea to kill me in my own home?"

"No...no, I... I wanted to apologize," he said and shuddered when he heard Izaya's dark chuckle, the hate simmering underneath that laugh almost palpable. "I swear. I only wanted to talk to you."

"Maa, maa, Shizu-chan, don't you know that lying is bad?"

"I'm not―"

"If you're not lying, why did you follow me around instead of approaching me?"

Shizuo bit his lower lip in frustration until he felt the coppery taste of blood. "Because it's hard to talk to you after what I've done," he finally admitted, "and you kept sneaking around like a bastard instead of using the main streets. I was waiting for you to get off the dark alleys and into a populated area before approaching you. Fuck, I'm so pissed off right now," he growled. "This is not how I wanted to apologize..."

Izaya's eyes narrowed into slits as he looked askance into Shizuo's dark yellow ones after turning the man's head to see him better. "I can't figure out whether you're trolling me or you're just this stupid," was Izaya's scathing response, his voice tight with annoyance.

"I'm not the one who specializes in trolling, you fucking flea."

"Ah, that's true," Izaya conceded, "but that just means you're really this stupid, doesn't it?"

"I was leaving, you know? Why would I leave if I wanted to kill you?"

"I don't know, Shizu-chan, why would you? It's not like I could ever understand what goes on in that protozoic brain of yours. Besides, I called you _stupid_ for thinking that you even had the right to apologize after what you've done, although your decision to follow me around was just as dumb, because now I can easily slice your throat and leave you here to choke on your own blood if I so desire. Hmm, I think I'd like that very much," he mused, enjoying the mental image of Shizuo giving his last gurgled breath as he bled to death at his feet before he tightened his grip on the blonde locks and thumped the brute's head into the wall hard enough to draw blood. "Ne, Shizu-chan, do you remember how many times you banged my head against the cold, wet concrete that night?"

"..."

Seeing how Shizuo stayed silent, Izaya moved closer until his lips were almost touching the beast's cold ear, his hot breath making the brute shiver as he whispered, "I really thought that I was going to die long before you would have finished thrusting that disgusting piece of flesh into my broken body."

Shizuo grimaced, aghast by the question, and he was overcome with nausea as images of that night slammed into the forefront of his mind. "Stop... please," he begged, not wanting to remember the cruel beast he ended up turning into.

Izaya's lips began to tilt upwards in a maniacal grin, the knowledge that simply mentioning the events of that time in the alley bothered the beast only making him want to continue. "Did it feel good, hmm? Did you enjoy it?" he said, wondering if perhaps this was how Shizuo had felt when he had him at his mercy. "Answer me!" he commanded before he banged Shizuo's head into the wall again. "Did it feel good to thrust into my bleeding body, yes or no?"

Shizuo swallowed hard. "Y-Yes, I enjoyed it," he said in a quiet voice, remorse lacing his words.

"And you still have the guts to say that you're sorry, huh?"

"I'm sorry..."

"Shut up, monster!"

"I'm so sorry..."

"I said, **SHUT UP!"**

"I'M SORRY!" Shizuo nearly shouted, guilt weighing so heavily on his heart that it felt as though he was suffocating. "I'm sorry," he repeated in a wheezy voice as he tried to wrench himself away from the fingers capturing his hair, suddenly feeling claustrophobic, an asphyxiating pain tearing his heart to shreds.

"Shut the fuck up, **beast!"** Izaya snarled, his voice dripping all the venom and hatred he felt for the man in his grasp. "Your sorry means nothing to me."

Shizuo forced himself to keep his lips firmly closed, not wanting to further upset Izaya. He had known from the beginning that the Informant would care little for his apologies, but that hadn't stopped him from trying.

Izaya took a shaky breath, his whole body trembling in rage and knuckles turning white from the sheer effort it took to not sink the switchblade into the beast's throat. _Kill him, end him, destroy him before he destroys you,_ said a dark voice in his head while the rational part of his brain besought him to halt acting out on such an impulse. Shizuo had indeed appeared to be walking away when Izaya had ambushed him, and he did sound earnest in his apology, something that the brute would have no reason to fake even if he could. It wasn't like the idiot had ever been a good actor. Izaya had always been able to read the amalgam of brutish emotions crossing the monster's face ― not that any of it would ever erase the pain and the suffering he was going through as a result of the brute's destructive actions―but at least it meant that the monster was suffering for his sins, and the more Shizuo suffered, the better Izaya felt at seeing the brute fall apart. Shizuo wasn't even mentioning Kasuka, which Izaya assumed would've been the first thing coming out from the beast's mouth the second they would meet. Further investigation was necessary, but first he would have to verify whether or not Shizuo could keep his composure enough to not attack him. Abruptly, he jumped backwards, putting enough distance between himself and the beast to warrant his safe escape in case such action was necessary. "If you want to talk so badly, then talk, but not here."

"Huh," was the only thing falling from Shizuo's lips as he wearily wiped away some of the blood trickling down his neck.

Izaya scowled. "Keep walking. I'll tell you where to go."

Shizuo did as ordered, following Izaya's instructions each time the man told him to either go left or right until he found himself in a park. He watched as the man typed something on his phone and sent a message before he raised those crimson eyes of his and glared at him with such hatred that almost made him quail from that gaze.

"Speak," Izaya said while going for one of his easygoing smiles but ending up falling a little short. His eyes locked on Shizuo's pained face, and he couldn't help but convulsively flex his hands around the twin switchblades that he now always carried with him inside the pockets of his coat.

"I completely fucked up," Shizuo said ruefully as he moved his hands to pull out the cigarettes and the lighter, only to stiffen in distress when Izaya suddenly pulled out two switchblades and assumed a defensive position. _Shit!_ "Look, I need a smoke, ok?"

Izaya inwardly cursed himself for the mishap, willing his body to relax enough to drop the defensive position. "Those things might kill you before I decide to do it myself, so maybe you should quit, ne~?" he tried to say in his usual singsong voice, hoping that he wouldn't embarrass himself any further.

Shizuo flicked open his lighter, the flame dancing in the dark as he slowly inclined his head to light up the cigarette hanging loosely from his lips. "You're using two switchblades now," he said as a matter-of-fact, "that's smart. Too bad you only had one that night."

"I've learned my lesson now," Izaya said, lips set into a humorless smile. "What exactly do you want from me, my forgiveness by any chance? Sorry to burst your bubble, but you will never get it."

Shizuo took a drag from the cigarette before he thrust his cold hands into the pockets of his jacket. "I don't expect to ever be forgiven for what I've done."

"Then?" Izaya asked, a bit surprised at the brute's defeated tone.

"I finally understand now."

Izaya shot him a questioning look. "And what exactly might that be?"

"Everything was my fault flea, not yours, I know that now," he said, his tone bitter from all the self-hatred he felt.

Eyes widening in disbelief, Izaya stared at the too-human monster with his mouth agape, starting to believe Kasuka's words about the beast finally taking responsibility for his actions. If that was the case, he needed to confirm it once and for all. His eyes wandered to his phone's display screen before giving the beast his full attention.

Shizuo watched him smile, something ugly and familiar darkening the brown-red eyes before the words started rolling off the flea's tongue in an enthusiastic way.

"If that's the case, you won't mind me breaking your little brother as payment for your oh-so-kind treatment from back then," Izaya said with a malicious smirk on his face, his hackles immediately rising at the hostility Shizuo flung at him head-on the moment he mentioned Kasuka's name. He heard the beast growl and he took an infinitesimally step backwards, hands tightening around the handles of his switchblades as he started to question the feasibility of his plan. _You're playing with fire, Izaya,_ he told himself, yet he couldn't stop the next words as they spilled past his lips. "Maybe next time I'm going to do him myself."

"Leave Kasuka out of this," Shizuo hissed, barely able to hold himself back as the emotional upheaval tore at his resolution to never again hurt the man before him.

"Why should I?" Izaya continued, his malevolent delight making Ikebukuro's beast snarl.

"Hurt me instead, break me, cut me, do whatever you want, just leave him alone," Shizuo begged, hands shaking in both anger and fear as he threw the cigarette butt on the ground and crushed it under the sole of his shoe.

"But Shizu-chan is a beast, so he'd hardly feel anything if I were to do any of those things. Hurting his little brother on the other hand... now that will surely hurt him, ne?"

"Please..." Shizuo tried again, trying his hardest to not lunge himself at the bastard and twist that neck until it'd break with a sickening crunch.

Izaya smirked, finally hearing into the distance the specific noise he was waiting for. "I don't know why you're so against it," he said, ready to go for the finishing blow. "He'd probably not even bat an eyelid, or who knows, he might even **enjoy** it."

Shizuo's hands balled into fists, and he felt his control quickly slipping away. **"IZAYA!"** he growled louder than before, drowning in the usual blind rage that took over each time he had to deal with Izaya, only to breathe in relief when Celty seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, causing dust to fly into his eyes before her bike came to a complete stop between them.

"Courier-san, you're three minutes late," Izaya admonished as he checked the time on his phone.

Celty got off the bike and approached him, her entire frame rigid with tension after realizing that she had dropped in the middle of a dangerous situation. [I'm sorry for being late,] she typed on her PDA and showed it to Izaya, trying really hard to pretend that Shizuo wasn't there because she didn't know how to act around him after finding out what happened between the two men.

Izaya shrugged. "It's fine." He turned to Shizuo. "Relax, Shizu-chan, I was simply joking. Hurting Kasuka again would be redundant. I'm not such a boring person," he said and watched as the tension in Shizuo's body seemed to have left him all at once.

Celty only gave Shizuo a furtive glance before turning her attention back to Izaya. [You said you needed me to deliver something, so what is it?]

"Just something I'm carrying," he said in a serious tone, watching with no little amount of surprise at how relieved and grateful the beast seemed to be after telling him that he would leave Kasuka alone. _You're so predictable, stupid beast._

Celty immediately got the message and used her black smoke to make a helmet for the Informant. She didn't know how to deal with Shizuo yet, nor did she want to, not when her thoughts and emotions in regard to his person were a jumbled mess, so instead of addressing the man, she decided to focus on the job and to deal with him another time.

Izaya took the helmet the Dullahan handed to him and got on the bike behind her. "She knows by the way," he said with the nastiest smirk he could muster, inwardly reveling at the way Shizuo's face twisted in anguish before Celty drove into the night and away from Ikebukuro's beast. He knew that he had risked a lot by trying to piss the beast off, but now he was certain that Shizuo was sorry after seeing him trying his best to not attack him even when Izaya kept threatening to hurt Kasuka. _Breaking you will be so much fun,_ he thought excitedly._ You will learn what a mistake it was to mess with Orihara Izaya._


	29. Hands of Fate

**Chapter 29: Hands of Fate**

.

Five days after he ran into Shizuo again for the first time in over a month, Izaya still couldn't get the encounter out of his head. It wasn't just the run-in with the beast that threw him off, but also Shizuo's overall behavior. It seemed like the man was feeling genuine regret for his past actions, and Izaya already had a few ideas on how to make him pay for the audacity of cutting the wings off a god. He wasn't naive enough to believe that he could easily go back to being the person he was before that night in the alley, but he made up his mind to do everything in his power to climb back up to the high place in the sky where he belonged. At least he was on the right track, because no matter how frightened he'd felt during his last confrontation with Shizuo, he didn't end up running away and instead he found the courage to confront the beast who had shattered his world into a million pieces. The simple knowledge that he could've easily ended the monster's miserable existence was enough to make him realize that he was not as weak as Shizuo made him think, and he now had the confidence to confront his rapist again without succumbing to terror. To say that he didn't feel dread would be a lie, but he hoped that he would manage to keep it in check during their next meeting.

The flash drive he received from his contact just before he caught Shizuo following him around was something that he worked on acquiring long before the unfortunate events that threw his life into chaos, and even though Namie was under the impression that he'd sat on his ass doing nothing for over two months, he'd actually worked to get his hands on the flash drive he now carried in the right pocket of his pants. All that was left to do now was to meet up with the client and hand it over to him. The man had been out of the country until then, and now that he was back he requested they met in Ikebukuro. Izaya accepted without a second thought. He was tired of running away, and that was how he found himself in the accursed Tokyo district that he once used to love but which now gave him the shivers, his hands tightening around the switchblades he kept for protection inside the pockets of his jacket as he continued to walk towards the meeting place. He felt a bit annoyed that his filthy rich client chose to meet at a cheap restaurant in Ikebukuro, but it didn't really matter that much as long as he got paid. It took too much time, work and money to get his hands on the flash drive, and he expected to be royally rewarded for his efforts. It was the only case he'd followed even while in agonizing pain because of the injuries that Shizuo had inflicted on him, and the sooner he handed the flash drive, the faster he would hopefully forget if only a little of those painful days when even sitting down almost brought tears to his eyes.

Shizuo had broken him into too many pieces, so he held no hope that he could ever put himself back together the way he used to be, so he decided instead to become a new Orihara Izaya, if not better, then at least close to the Information Broker he once used to be before both his mind and body easily got crushed in a single night. His eyes darted from one person to the other as he walked down the streets, and he wondered if perhaps others could see that he was not the same person he used to be. Because of such thoughts, he couldn't help but feel tense each time one of his humans looked and pointed at him as though they knew something. It was a ridiculous thought in itself because obviously no one knew what happened to him, but that still didn't stop the paranoia from making his hands tremble each time someone either laughed, smiled or sneered at him. The logical part of his brain kept telling him to relax, that they were most likely doing it because he hadn't shown his face in Ikebukuro for a long time, but that still didn't stop him from feeling sick to his stomach. Luckily, he was not so far gone as to believe the crazy thoughts blooming in his mind, so he shoved them away and focused on getting to the meeting place. With his mind made up, he forced himself to ignore the whispers and the comments and he focused on getting to the restaurant as fast as possible.

It took him about twenty minutes to get there on foot, but by the time he reached the meeting place he was a wreck. The only consolation he had was that he hadn't ran into anyone with whom he would be forced to start a conversation; that was the last thing he wanted to do when he wasn't even sure he could speak without his voice trembling. He stood there outside the restaurant for a few moments to calm down his racing heart until he found the strength to go inside. All he had to do now in order to get paid was to hand over the flash drive. He took a deep breath and forced a smile on his face, the same easygoing one he always used whenever he had to deal with a client. The name of the man waiting for him inside was Ueda Shou, and he was a Half Japanese-Half American rich businessman. To say that he was brilliant was an understatement, considering how he ended up running his father's empire by the time he was thirty two, and even though it was the first time Izaya had finished a job for him, he had no doubts that he would get paid for his services. It was a well-known fact that Ueda Shou always paid his debts.

"Ueda-san," Izaya greeted as he sat down, "it's nice to finally meet you."

"Likewise, Orihara-san. I've heard many things about you, and although the jobs you take on may not always be... legal, you always come through. I take it that you have the information I've requested?"

Izaya took out the flash drive from his pocket and placed it on the table. "I am unworthy of such praise, Ueda-san. I'm nothing more than one of the many Information Brokers this city has to offer."

Ueda smirked before taking a sip from the cheap sake he'd been served earlier. "Please, Orihara-san, modesty doesn't suit you, not when your reputation precedes you. You are the best Information Broker in both Ikebukuro and Shinjuku; otherwise I wouldn't have hired you to find my company's stolen data."

"In that case, I appreciate your confidence in my information gathering skills," Izaya said and shifted infinitesimally on the chair, something in the man's eyes making the hairs on the back of his neck bristle. For some reason, he had the impression that Ueda Shou was more dangerous than he could ever imagine, and because of that he decided that it was best to get out of there as soon as possible. Picking up the flash drive, he looked Ueda in the eyes. "I believe it's time I leave." He got up and handed it to Ueda, barely suppressing a shudder at the man's disturbing smirk.

"Are you sure that you can't stay for a bit longer? The food they serve here may not be the best, but it's certainly enjoyable," the businessman said as he pocketed the flash drive just handed to him by the Informant.

"I'm sorry, but I have other things to take care of, so if you'll excuse me..."

"I understand. The money will be transferred into your account as soon as I'm done here. It really was nice meeting you," Ueda said and took another sip from the cup of sake.

Izaya's cheerful mask stayed on until he left the restaurant, his smile morphing into disgust the moment he was out the door. There was nothing to indicate that Ueda posed any danger to him, or that he wasn't an honest businessman trying to recover his stolen data, but that didn't stop Izaya from wanting to get away. He had obviously looked into the man's past, because Izaya liked to know everything about his clients. There was nothing strange about him besides the man's obsession with cheap Japanese food which he always sought when he was in the country because he never got to spend much time in Japan even though it was his home. That or perhaps dining at cheap restaurants was a good way to avoid prying eyes. The only reason Izaya even accepted the job to begin with was because he found the situation to be amusing. Ueda was almost certain that one of his brothers was the one stealing information and selling it to the highest bidder, but no matter how hard he tried to prove it, he couldn't, not until he had Ikebukuro's Informant step in. Ueda was the youngest son, yet he ended up running the company because his two older half-brothers were nowhere near as good as he was when it came to taking care of the family's business, yet those two idiots were still under the wrong impression that they owned the company and that a half-breed like Ueda deserved nothing more than to die in a ditch. Dysfunctional families always caught Izaya's attention because they were interesting to study, so the fact that he got a fat paycheck for doing something he liked was a nice bonus. Besides, the good thing about dealing with Ueda was that he didn't have to worry about getting screwed over, because the man had a reputation of always paying his debts.

Happy to finally be done with the job, he had to decide what to do from there on. He could either roam Ikebukuro for a while and perhaps even visit Shinra, or he could go back home and do some work. Truth be told, he was sick and tired of his apartment, so a stroll through Ikebukuro sounded like a good idea, but then he remembered how that accursed day he was just taking a stroll through Ikebukuro, and also had badly the aforementioned stroll had ended._ No, I can't think like that anymore,_ he told himself just before he forced his legs to move forward, the idea of visiting Shinra sounding better and better by the second. Knowing how dangerous Ikebukuro was, he shoved his hands inside the pockets of his jacket and curled his fingers around the handles of his switchblades. That way, he was always ready to defend himself at a moment's notice. He cringed at the idea of seeing Celty again, but at least the Dullahan mostly treated him the same way as before, which helped a lot because the last thing he needed was for her to suddenly be nice just because of what happened between him and Shizuo. He was actually surprised that Celty gave Shizuo the cold shoulder that time when he called her in the park, which most likely meant that she couldn't forgive him for what he had done. He took a gamble by telling Celty what happened, and even though he now felt uncomfortable that she knew, it was always interesting to observe her actions. That time in the park, and then afterwards in front of his apartment building, she had been tense around him, more so than usual, and she seemed to have dropped the insults as well, which was a huge progress, but even after all that, she was still incapable of hiding her dislike of him. Izaya himself didn't lose anything from revealing the truth, while Shizuo ended up losing his best friend, which meant that, in a way, it was almost funny for the so called 'good guy' to lose his friends to the 'bad guy'. Izaya knew that it was hard to physically hurt a man like Heiwajima Shizuo, so psychological torture was the best way to break him. He now understood that he shouldn't have tried to hurt Kasuka, not when he himself ended up getting hurt in the process, and he was starting to have mixed feelings about Slon, because even though he'd been one of his humans, he was also someone capable of committing rape, and Izaya was starting to dislike such people more and more.

He shook his head, hoping that he would stop thinking about the person he ended up killing with his own two hands. _There's no point in dwelling on the past now,_ he told himself just as he was about to cross the street, not expecting to get grabbed by both his arms. For a split second he thought that he was going to be sick, but in the next one his instinct kicked in, and before he even knew what he was doing, he tore himself away from their hold and pressed his switchblades against the throats of his younger sisters dressed in their usual gymnastics outfits. They all looked at each other in surprise for a few suffocating moments, until Mairu shot him a glare and smacked away his hand.

"Iza-nii, move that switchblade away from Kururi's neck before I shove it down your throat," Mairu said in a bored tone.

"Ah... sorry," he said and lowered both his arms, cringing at his monumental blunder. They were the last people he expected to run into on his way to Shinra, and now that he saw them again, he didn't even know what to say. The three of them weren't like most siblings who worried and cared for one another. If anything, Izaya was almost sure they would be happy if he died.

Mairu's eyes narrowed into slits and she glared at him. "I see that Iza-nii is still as paranoid as ever," she said before pulling Kururi closer to her.

Izaya pushed the blades back in and shoved them into the pockets of his jacket where they belonged. "Being paranoid is what kept me alive so far."

"We thought you got killed," Mairu said as she took a picture of him and typed something before sending the message and snapping her phone shut. "All right, all done now."

"What did you do?" he asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion because his two sisters were never up to anything good.

"Some people were betting on whether you were dead or alive, so I gave them the proof that you're still alive."

Izaya sighed loudly, knowing that he couldn't win against them no matter what he did, and if proving that their brother was alive was what they had in mind, there was nothing he could do to stop them. "Yes, well, as you can see, I'm still very much alive," he said just before he was completely taken by surprise when Kururi gave him a hug. _Eh?_ He looked down at Kururi, not knowing how to react, his sisters being the only two humans besides Shizuo that he didn't know how to deal with. They used to annoy him a lot when they were children, and he still clearly remembered the day when he told them how they were copies of each other and as such they had no real purpose, so he couldn't understand why Kururi would do something so nice.

"We're on our way to meet Mikage-sensei, so we have to go now. We'll see you around, Iza-nii," Mairu said and pulled Kururi away from their brother before she started walking away.

Izaya flinched at hearing Mikage's name, but he pushed that aside because he was curious about something else. "Wait! I want to ask you something," he said and almost laughed when they both turned around at the same time. _They really are like copies of each other._ "How would you feel if I died?"

Mairu thought about it for a bit before giving her brother an honest answer. "I think that we would be sad and that we would miss you in the beginning, but after a while we would laugh at you for being dumb enough to get killed by Heiwajima Shizuo."

"I see..." he said before turning around and walking away, his brittle smile proof of how their words hurt him more than he ever wanted to admit.

No one really seemed to care about him besides Shinra, which was ridiculous in itself, because the doctor wasn't supposed to care about anyone except Celty. Humans were as irrelevant to Shinra as they were important to Izaya, so it was ironic that two such people could ever be friends. Then again, neither of them was normal, and that was another reason to pay him a visit; it always made him feel a bit better whenever they talked. Luck however was not on his side that day, not after running into the van gang, as though the universe was conspiring to give him a hard time. He tried to sneak past them without being noticed, but the idiot Dotachin spotted him, the man having the annoying talent of noticing everyone around him.

"Oi, Izaya, wait! Oi!" Kadota kept calling him to get his attention.

Izaya grit his teeth in frustration, but he put on a smile nonetheless before he turned around and made his way to the van. "Dotachin, long time no see."

"Izayan is still alive!" said Erika as she poked her head through the slightly open door.

"I'm not that easy to kill," Izaya bragged with a smirk on his face.

Kadota laughed and gave him a pat on the back. "Just like a cockroach."

Seeing how Kadota was actually a bit happy to see him alive, Izaya decided to ignore the offensive remark. Dotachin wasn't a bad enough guy to want to see him dead. He chuckled, already starting to feel a bit better. "That's no way to talk me, **Dotachin."**

"What's with you and your obsession with calling people retarded nicknames?" Kadota asked, exasperated.

Izaya shrugged, and then chuckled. "Dotachin is Dotachin."

Kadota shook his head and leaned against the van. "Seriously now, where were you?"

Izaya almost cringed at the question, but he succeeded in keeping his smirk even though he knew that it must've faltered for a moment. "Busy," was his simple answer.

"You know, I asked Shizuo if he saw you around, and you know what he said?" he asked Izaya, wanting to know what happened between the two of them. He still clearly remembered that time when he ran into Shizuo and how surprised he was about the man's strange behavior and his refusal to answer any of his questions regarding Izaya, as well as pretty much seeing him flee as though he had something to hide. He was certain that something bad happened between them, but he couldn't imagine what that was exactly. The only thing he knew was that it had to be more than their usual banter to make them both act so strangely. "Izaya?" he asked, eyes narrowing in confusion when he noticed how pale the Informant turned after hearing his question.

"No idea, but like I said, nothing happened, just the usual," he said and waved a dismissive hand, hoping that Dotachin would stop questioning him.

Kadota's eyes narrowed into slits and he glared at Izaya for blatantly lying to him. "I might not be you, but please don't insult my intelligence."

Erika nodded before jumping out of the van and closing the door behind her. "Dotachin is smart," she said and smiled.

"Tch, you're both still as annoying as ever," Izaya said as he folded his arms in front of him.

"Izayan is hiding something," Erika chirped.

Izaya snapped, tired of their questions and sick of people prying into his life. "That's none of your business!"

"Whoa, relax, I was jus―" Kadota started but never got to finish because he heard a familiar voice from somewhere behind.

"Oi, Kadota, have you seen th―" Shizuo asked, and then choked on the words when he saw who else was there with them.

They all froze, their eyes wide as they stared at one another, the tension between them almost palpable.

Shizuo swallowed the lump in his throat, and he had to force his mouth to open in order to speak. "Izaya..." he said softly, not failing to notice the way in which Izaya unconsciously moved behind Kadota. "H-hey..."

Izaya's broken laugh shattered the awkward silence. He didn't like being taken by surprise. He wanted to meet Shizuo again, but he wanted to be the one who sought him out instead of running into him when he wasn't mentally prepared to face him. It truly was the worst possible way in which they could've met that day.

Kadota looked at them in confusion, not sure what was going on between the two archenemies. Izaya would usually run, and Shizuo would start chasing him, yet there they were, staring at one another but not doing anything else. "Oi, what happened?" he asked again, hoping to get an answer, only to almost flinch when Izaya shot him a murderous glare.

_The timing couldn't have been worse,_ thought Izaya as he kept glaring at Kadota. _Then again, perhaps this is a great opportunity._ The corners of his lips moved upwards, and his smirk turned feral at the thought of torturing the beast some more. He raised his hands in a placating gesture. "Ok, all right, I'll tell you what happened," he said and watched as the color drained from Shizuo's face.

"Izaya, w-wait," Shizuo said in a weak, almost pleading voice.

Izaya lowered his hands and chuckled. "Why? Dotachin here asked me a question."

Kadota reluctantly nodded.

"You see, Shizu-chan here caught me a couple of months ago," Izaya said and laughed when he heard the gasps coming from Dotachin and Erika, his eyes sparkling in malicious delight at the way in which Shizuo's entire body language screamed misery and dread.

"What happened...?" Kadota dared to ask, now curios to know what had transpired between the two of them.

Izaya leaned against the van and tried to come up with a way to tell them the truth but at the same time to keep it hidden from them. No matter how much he wanted to hurt the beast, he couldn't go around telling people what really happened between them. All he had to do was to phrase his answer in such a way that Dotachin would think that he got beaten while the brute would understand exactly what Izaya meant. He chuckled darkly, now knowing what to say in order to inflict maximum damage. "Shizu-chan took great pleasure in breaking my body, you wouldn't even believe it! He was so brutal that by the time he was finally done, I couldn't even walk anymore. Ah, Shizu-chan truly is a monster..."

Kadota flinched at the confession, knowing that Shizuo's must've really lost it if he'd hurt Izaya that badly.

Erika on the other hand squealed. "Shizu-Shizu and Izayan finally admitted their love for one another!" she chirped and clapped her hands. "I always had a feeling that Shizu-Shizu was a beast in bed." She turned to Izaya, her eyes sparkling. "I knew it! Shizu-Shizu must be really big if you couldn't even walk afterwards."

All three males stared at her in disbelief, both Izaya and Shizuo feeling faint, while Kadota was simply disgusted by her words.

"Shut up," Shizuo said, somewhat in shock after hearing her disgusting speculations. She was obviously not that far from the truth, but she got it all wrong nonetheless.

"How can you fantasize so easily about men you know in real life?" Kadota asked and shook his head in disapproval.

"But we all know that Shizu-Shizu and Izayan secretly love each other!" Erika continued, now in full fujoshi mode.

"Shut up," Shizuo repeated, this time a bit louder as he fixed her with the full force of his glare, rage starting to dangerously surge through his veins.

Erika pouted, not yet realizing the danger she was in. "You can't hide it anymore, so there's no point in denying it!"

Izaya's knees turned to jelly, and he feared they would buckle if he stayed there for much longer. He should've predicted that Erika would twist his words to suit her fucked up fantasies.

"SHUT UP!" Shizuo shouted, her ignorance obviously hurting Izaya, the flash of awareness in those crimson eyes telling him that Izaya knew what was about to happen if the fujoshi didn't stop.

Erika didn't seem fazed by the outburst, so she continued with her ignorant rant. "If I were to guess, I'd say that it was rough, passionate sex. Did Shizu-Shizu make Izayan scream in pleasure over and over again?" she asked, her brain getting bombarded by mental images of the two men engaged in sexual acts.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Shizuo snapped just before he stomped to the nearest stop sign he could find and uprooted it from concrete, his expression wild as he turned around, his eyes zero-ing in on the fujoshi. **"Shut up,"** he repeated, this time in a tone so dangerous that made Erika cower in fear.

Kadota moved in-between the livid Shizuo and the terrified Erika in an attempt to stop the conflict before it went any further, but even he knew that nothing could save his friend if Shizuo didn't snap out of it. "Calm down, Shizuo. I know she's a bit strange, but there's no reason to overreact," he said, and then almost felt like shrinking back himself when Shizuo stomped towards them. He did however succeed in keeping his ground, and by the time Shizuo reached him, both Walker and Saburo were back, and that helped a bit, because Walker pulled Erika away while Kadota tried to tackle Shizuo in an attempt to distract him from his target.

It was then when Shizuo finally came back to his senses and he dropped the street sign, Erika's terrified expression making his stomach churn. _I could've hurt her,_ he thought, struck by shock. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice trembling. His eyes darted around to see how Izaya was doing, but he wasn't there anymore, so Shizuo dashed past the van gang, felling regret for losing his control like that. _I'm sorry, Izaya. I'm so sorry..._


	30. Reasonable Doubt

**Chapter 30: Reasonable Doubt**

.

Izaya's steps faltered not too long after he rushed out of there with quick, edgy strides, his heart rate accelerating the moment he heard Erika's haunting words, incessant chills oscillating across his spine as images of the cruel way in which he had been raped―as opposed to what the disgusting fujoshi had envisioned―crashed into the forefront of his mind, an oppressive feeling of suffocation giving him the impression that he was being smothered. He struggled to breathe, but the pain in his chest was making the task extremely difficult, so his hand shot up to the wall he was walking next to, fearing that his knees would buckle and that he would collapse in the middle of the street as the numbness started to spread throughout his body. Trembling, he leaned against it with his right shoulder for a few moments before he stumbled forward, finally becoming aware through the barrage of terrifying images that he was having a panic attack. Startled by the realization, his quivering hands clenched into fists, eyelids fluttering for a few moments before revealing vexed crimson eyes, teeth gritting in irritation and fury simmering just below the surface at the shameful way in which his body ended up reacting after hearing the ignorant woman's ghastly words. He kept on scuffing his feet across the ground, his fitful ragged breaths making his vision flicker, heightening the sense of nausea burning through the pit of his stomach.

He inwardly cursed Karisawa Erika, the depraved woman having completely startled him with her delusional assumptions, reminding him just how damaged he still was after what had happened, Shizuo's ferocious attack altering his mind in ways he never thought possible. Infuriated by the outcome of his accidental run-in with the beast, the fujoshi and Dotachin, he barely restrained himself from slamming a fist into the dirty wall he was using as support, the fog in his mind instantly clearing the moment he felt the air behind him shift and he was roughly shoved face-first against the rough surface. Something sharp was swiftly thrust into his left side, and he opened his mouth in a wordless cry, eyes widening in disbelief at not having sensed the peril until it was too late. Trying to reach either of his switchblades, his hands bolted towards the pockets of his coat, but his attempt culminated in failure as both his arms were grabbed by two of his attackers while the third one emptied his pockets before they started dragging away towards a more secluded street. The knife was still wedged into his side to most likely discourage him from screaming for help, the threat of that sharp blade sinking deeper into his flesh keeping him compliant despite his body's urge to get away from it at any cost.

"What do y-you want?" he asked through clenched teeth as he was steered around a corner, jaw stiffening from the sheer effort it took to not cry out in pain each time he was forced to take a step forward, the blade painfully jabbing into his flesh. Glaring at the uncommunicative men on either side, he inwardly cursed, fuming about not only the stab wound, but also about the cut in his favorite coat. After what Shizuo had done to him that night, he found himself unable to wear his other coat no matter how many times he had it cleaned, eventually resigning himself to the loss and dressing Kasuka in it before shipping him off to the beast. Turning his head away from the guy who was holding onto both the knife and his left arm, his eyes widened in apprehension when he realized that he was being led towards the far end of a closed off alley, most likely the place where they were planning to kill him. He started struggling, a strangled cry escaping him, the sound reverberated off the walls when the knife was abruptly pulled out of his side and he was shoved away roughly, the momentum making his body painfully collide with the wall before his feet finally found purchase. Grunting in pain, he leaned against the wall and turned around, the black t-shirt he was wearing underneath the coat clinging to his skin as a result of the blood pouring out of the stab wound and soaking the material. He raised his head to glower at the three men, his eyes widening in terror when he noticed Ikebukuro's beast stomping towards them, a sense of impending torment that was about to come slamming into his being so hard that he ended up quailing in the corner, the fury in the man's darkened eyes bringing back the sensation of being assaulted in vivid detail. When it came right down to it, he didn't trust the beast to not lose it and attack him again, Heiwajima Shizuo being nothing more than a monster pretending to be human.

"What's going on here?" Shizuo growled out the words, eyes burning with rage the moment they fell on the bloody knife poised in his direction.

"Nonya business!" scowled the one holding it, his friends fishing out the switchblades they had previously snatched from the man they had been hired to kill.

"It **is** my fucking business if you shitheads try to take away my prey!" he snarled, furious at the weak creatures before him for creating a scenario that reminded him so much of what had transpired between himself and Izaya in a not so different alley.

"And who the hell are you?"

"Heiwajima Shizuo, Ikebukuro's strongest," he answered curtly, their surprised gasps telling him they knew who he was.

"In that case, go right ahead," said the man with the bloody knife as he moved out of the way, anxious to watch Ikebukuro's strongest beat the other man to death.

For the first time in over two months, Izaya felt hopelessness. It was bad to run into Shizuo on a good day, but for the man to find him when he was both injured and weaponless was the worst outcome of his current imbroglio. His eyes remained transfixed on Shizuo's scowling face as the man approached him, and he couldn't help but wonder if Ikebukuro's beast would be merciful this time around and simply finish him off by twisting his neck or by choking him to death instead of doing his best to break both his body and mind before leaving him to die in a pool of his own blood. He trembled despite himself as Shizuo narrowed the distance until he was right in his face, the proximity to the beast making his muscles tense and his body push harder into the wall in an attempt to somehow disappear through it. He had no doubts that Shizuo would finish him off, not after hearing the beast refer to him as _prey,_ and he barely stifled a wail at the unfairness of it all. "Shizu-chan is such a liar," he said, his voice sounding bitter, betrayed, as though he was expecting more out of Shizuo after their discussion in the park. He accusingly glared at him, but the beast grabbed him by the coat and he jerked backwards, eyes widening in disbelief when the monster proceeded to unbutton it and yank it off his left shoulder before tugging at the bloody t-shirt. He tried to wrestle his way out of the beast's hold, but the hand pushing him into the wall was unyielding, the blood gushing out of his wound leaving him too sluggish to efficiently fight back.

"Holy shit, dude, you gonna do what I think ya gonna do?" Shizuo heard one of the punks say and he snapped, his fist flying straight into the wall. The punch left behind a crater next to Izaya's ear, the flea's shocked expression as the skinny boneless body slid down the wall only serving to further increase his already overflowing fury. "KILL! KILL! KILL!" he chanted but struggled to maintain control, the urgent need to do something that didn't involve violence burning him from within, knowing that if he let loose, it would most likely end in a massacre. Shoving trembling hands into his pockets, he hurriedly drew whatever he found inside, including the flea's switchblade and his apartment keys, immediately glaring at them, irritated, before shoving the useless items back in and lighting up a cigarette. He took a drag from it, an imperceptible amount of tension dissipating from his body when the nicotine finally filled his lungs. Infinitesimally calmer now, he turned his attention towards the men who had stabbed Izaya, something sharp stinging his back, once, twice, thrice, before he finally turned around, catching the flea's wrist mid-swing on its way to stabbing him into his chest. He froze, torn between crushing it and letting go, until their eyes locked and it was like he was seeing that same frightened yet accusing look from that night when he ended up doing the biggest mistake of his life. _Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't fucking do it!_ he inwardly repeated until he found the strength to pull back his hand before losing the battle and pulverizing Izaya's wrist. He roughly pushed away the livid flea before he turned towards the others with the intention of using them as an outlet for his anger, figuring that it was better to crush them to smithereens instead of taking it out on Izaya. "IMMA KILL YOU DEAD! IMMA KILL YOU DEADER THAN DEAD!" Shizuo barked, the deep fury that seemed to make his eyes burn startling the three men into a violent recoil. He dashed towards the guy with the bloody knife and punched him so hard in the face that the man ended up flying out of the alley and across the street, his friends shrieking in horror while they tried to run, their short sprint ending abruptly when Shizuo grabbed them by the back of their necks and banged their heads together, a few droplets of blood landing on his face. Not yet satisfied, he threw them in the same direction as the first guy, knowing that if he saw their faces again he would most likely kill them. Still pissed off, he was about to take another drag from the cigarette when hysterical laughter erupted from somewhere behind him, the sight of a laughing flea bringing back more of the bad memories that often haunted him.

"What are you going to do now, hmm? Kill me, or try to break me?" Izaya asked once he finally stopped laughing, the switchblade he'd snatched from Shizuo's pocket now pointed in his archenemy's direction. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw that the beast was walking around carrying the weapon he took away from him more than two months prior, and he briefly wondered why Shizuo would do such a thing, but he didn't have time to dwell on it when the beast was right in front of him, most likely enjoying his distress. "Sorry to disappoint you, Shizu-chan, but I won't beg this time either," he stated in a confident voice. "I will never completely break," he added, even though he dreaded what the beast would do next.

Shizuo watched the brittle smile on the flea's face and he felt his heart plummet. He should've crushed those men the second he saw them, but he didn't want to risk beating them up without checking if that blood really belonged to the flea, knowing full well that the bastard would most likely lie or invent some stupid shit if he'd asked him. He knew well enough what a fucked up human being Izaya was and how much he enjoyed screwing with people's minds for his own sick amusement. He also didn't want to risk them killing Izaya before he could stop them, so he had no choice but to pretend to want to kill him as well. "I'm not going to do anything," he finally said and took another drag from the cigarette, the bloody switchblade in Izaya's hand reminding him of his own stab wounds.

Scowling, Izaya glared daggers at him. "How can you say that after you almost ripped my clothes off?!" he asked and quickly pulled the coat back over his left shoulder. "Oh, I see! You wanted to get rid of the audience first! Shizu-chan is either really possessive or extremely shy."

Shizuo's brow twitched in annoyance, and he snapped the cigarette in half with a low growl before taking a deep breath and trying to calm down enough to not want to break the louse's bones so badly. "Fucking flea," he mumbled," let's get you to Shinra."

Izaya blinked in surprise and watched the blond with a confused expression as the beast turned around and started walking away. "What...?" he asked none too smartly, his brain still trying to process the visual and audio information it was receiving, finding it hard to believe that Ikebukuro's beast would simply walk away after he had just stabbed him multiple times. He shook his head in an attempt to wake up, but he immediately regretted it when the world around him continued to spin even after he'd stopped. Leaning against the wall, he closed his eyes and waited for it to stop spinning before he finally took a step forward and followed the beast, his right hand still tightly clenched around the switchblade. "Shizu-chan, wait!" he chirped and staggered out of the alley and into the street. "So let me get this straight... you're not going to _rape_ me again?" he asked and waited for that look of absolute guilt to cross the beast's face, a satisfied smile gracing his lips the moment Shizuo cringed and seemed to shrink back as though he'd just been whipped.

Shizuo cursed and lit up another cigarette, the flea's question hurting him more than the stab wounds the insect had previously inflicted. "No, flea, I'm not going to r-rape you again," he stuttered after exhaling the smoke, hating the way his voice sounded.

"Aww, Shizu-chan finally found the courage to say the word! Iza-chan is so proud of you!" he cooed.

"Shut up and move already," he grumbled, "or are you planning to stay here and bleed to death?"

"Oh!" Izaya exclaimed, surprised that he had almost forgotten about his stab wound while talking to Shizuo. "It's a good thing that Shinra's apartment is nearby. Ah, but before we go, I need some information." Ignoring Shizuo's confused look, he headed towards the three men writhing in pain on the other side of the street. "Shizu-chan, can you go fetch my switchblades?" he asked and then chuckled when he heard the brute mumble something under his breath before going to do as he was told. "Hey, you, wake up!" Izaya said and proceeded to crush the man's hand under the sole of his shoe. "Who sent you?"

"Ple-please s-stop!" the man cried out in pain.

"I will if you tell me who sent you," he promised, his voice so sweet that it was almost nauseating.

"Ue... Ueda..."

"I see," Izaya said flatly, his expression blank as he kicked the man in the side as hard as he could. "That's for stabbing me."

"Got 'em," Shizuo said from across the street.

"Shizu-chan is like a bloodhound!" he chirped and languidly walked over to retrieve his weapons from the brute's hand, snatching them none too gently and shoving them into the left pocket of his coat, still unwilling to let go of the bloody switchblade he had previously retrieved from the beast's pocket. He pulled out his phone and tried calling Celty, immediately scowling again when the Dullahan didn't answer. He glared at Shizuo as though it was his fault, pissed off at having to walk all the way to Shinra's place when he was injured. "Move, beast!" he ordered and then laughed when Shizuo muttered some unflattering words under his breath before going ahead. Now that he wasn't in immediate danger of getting assaulted by the brute, he fished out his phone again, dialed a number, and waited for the person on the other end to pick up.

_"Orihara-san, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call so soon after our meeting?"_

"I must confess that I wasn't expecting you to send people to kill me," Izaya said in a monotone voice in an attempt to hide his irritation.

_"What...?"_

"I guess that it was wrong of me to assume that Ueda-san was an honorable man."

_"Orihara-san, I did not send anyone to kill you."_

"The man who stabbed me gave me your name."

_"I assure you that I had nothing to do with it… but it might've been one of my brothers,"_ Ueda added as an afterthought.

"That's possible," Izaya conceded.

_"I apologize for getting you involved in this. I will make sure that neither of my brothers will ever bother you again, I give you my word."_

Izaya sighed loudly. "If Ueda-san gives me his word, there's nothing more I can do about it."

_"I will take care of it."_

"Please do," Izaya said before ending the conversation and looking at the beast, the blood soaking the black jacket bringing a sadistic smirk to his face at the memory of his switchblade sinking into the brute's flesh. The man was really a monster, walking around with three stab wounds as though it was nothing, while Izaya himself was having troubles keeping up with him. The whole situation seemed surreal, and he couldn't help but wonder if perhaps he was hallucinating.

"You should put that switchblade away," Shizuo suggested once they approached the main street.

"No."

"You're going to scare people if you walk around like that," he tried again, hoping to reason with him.

"No means no, you protozoan!" Izaya snapped before inhaling a ragged breath, his left hand shooting towards the nearest wall to use as a support.

"Fine," Shizuo said wearily just before he turned left around a corner and kept walking for a while until he noticed that the bastard was not following. Cursing under his breath, he went back and found the insect leaning against a wall, looking as though he was about to pass out. "Ok, that's it, we're doing this my way," he muttered before reaching out to sling Izaya's arm back over his shoulder, the flea's switchblade flying to his neck so fast that he didn't even have time to react.

"What do you think you're doing?" Izaya growled through clenched teeth, pushing the switchblade deeper until blood started to flow down the beast's neck.

"Apparently getting cut by the bastard I was trying to help," he said softly as to not deepen the incision done with an expert's precision.

Izaya chuckled darkly. "Does helping me make you feel less guilty about what you did to me?"

"Yeah," was his simple, honest answer.

Lowering his switchblade in a sign of begrudged compliance, he stared at Shizuo with the cruelest smirk he could muster, trying not to think of the way the proximity made his skin crawl or how disgusted he felt just from being touched by the beast. "Lead the way," he said, his mind going in overdrive trying to come up with ways to punish the protozoan as soon as they got to Shinra's place. Normally, he would've rather crawled by himself all the way there, but the idea of seeing how uncomfortable Shizuo would be around Shinra and Celty seemed too good to pass. He knew that it would crush the beast to see his friends look at him with hate, disgust and perhaps even disappointment, and Izaya couldn't wait to see his wounded expression.

After hooking an arm around the flea's back, Shizuo proceeded to walk towards the doctor's apartment, wincing each time someone either screamed or yelped in shock at the sight of the bloody switchblade and of their injured bodies. He barely restrained himself from seizing the damn thing once and for all, and by the time they reached the apartment building Izaya looked about ready to pass out. "Almost there," he said and dragged the flea up the stairs and into the elevator, not failing to notice the way in which the man stiffened the moment they were alone. _What a messed up day,_ he thought. He couldn't wait for the moment when he could finally unhand Izaya because it felt damn awkward to be so close to the man after what had happened between them. He almost sighed in relief once they were out of the elevator, but the feeling was soon replaced by dread at the thought of having to face Shinra. His eyes drifted to Izaya's smirking face as they kept walking, and that's when he realized why the flea had accepted his help in the first place. "Bastard," he hissed and then watched as the man ignored him and banged his fist against the door, leaving a few smudges of blood behind. The door swished as it opened, Shinra's furious expression almost making him quake.

**"What did you do?"** Shinra asked in a low, dangerous tone, heart beating wildly inside his rib cage and his right hand tightening around the scalpel he carried around in the pocket of his lab coat.

"As much as I'd **love** to see you attack Shizu-chan, I'll go right ahead and say this is not his fault," he said while pointing to his bloody side, "although I must confess that I thought of lying just to see you punch him again."

Shinra glared, his grip around the scalpel loosening as some of the tension left his body. "What stopped you?"

"The memory of you butchering my bullet wound," Izaya tiredly uttered.

"Here, let me help you inside," Shinra offered, unable to stand the monster's presence any longer.

"It's fine, I have Shizu-chan here to help me, you go get everything ready," he told the doctor, enjoying the brute's discomfort as the beast dragged him inside and dumped him onto the coffee table before straightening his back and standing there uncomfortably. "What's wrong, beast?"

"I should go," Shizuo said through clenched teeth before he ran a hand through his dyed locks.

"Yes, you should. Please get out of my house," Shinra demanded, disgust lacing his words.

Shizuo almost sighed in relief at the words, more than happy to get out of there, but Izaya grabbed his wrist before he even had a chance to move a muscle, the man's cruel smirk telling him that his torture was far being from being over.

"Shizu-chan is hurt too! You're a doctor, Shinra; you can't just chase him out of your house before treating his injuries!" Izaya complained with a pout.

"Watch me," Shinra hissed and proceeded to push Shizuo away, his attempt at kicking the man out of his apartment being hampered by Izaya who refused to let go of the wrist he had previously captured.

"But Shinra," Izaya whined, "he could die. Do you really want him to die?" he asked, his eyes fixed on the brute's face so that he could see exactly how much it would hurt him to hear the answer.

"Yes, just die, asshole!" Shinra viciously spat out the words and kept pushing, hoping that Izaya would let go this time.

Izaya watched with a sort of twisted satisfaction at the way in which Shizuo's body seemed to completely deflate at Shinra's words, as though all of his energy had been sucked right out of him. "That's right, beast," he viciously spat out the words, "your friends hate you so much, they wish for your death. Was it worth it?" he asked and watched Shizuo's face twist in agony.

"If they hate me so much, they should've just let me die when I wanted to!" Shizuo wailed and tore himself away from their grips, limbs shaking with fine tremors.

Izaya gaped at him, for once at a complete loss for words.

"Shoulda died..." Shizuo added in a trembling voice.

"You tried to kill yourself?" Izaya asked once he found his voice again.

Shinra gave a grunt of assent. "He did, but Celty and I stopped him. The coward tried to run away from responsibility by ending his pathetic life."

"That's not what I was trying to do!" Shizuo snarled, pissed off at how they were misunderstanding his actions.

"Shizu-chan doesn't have the right to die, because I'm not done yet," Izaya declared, his red eyes glowing dangerously. "Now sit down, beast!" he ordered, enjoying the looks of confusion on both Shinra and Shizuo's faces. **"Sit!"**

Shinra raised his arms in a sign of defeat. "I give up. He can stay, but I'm not treating any of his wounds. I'd rather get beaten within an inch of my life than help this monster," he said and proceeded to move Izaya to the room he used as a lab. "Celty will be home soon."

"Don't you dare leave while I'm getting sewed up," Izaya warned before scuffing his feet across the floor and out of the living room while leaning against Shinra.

Shizuo stared at their retreating backs, only allowing his worn out body to collapse on the coffee table once they were out of sight. Hunching forward, he tugged at his hair in despair, the impression that he was plummeting towards a deep, dark abyss squeezing his heart so tightly that he could hardly breathe. _Shoulda let me die..._


	31. Howl Of The Gathered

**Chapter 31: Howl Of The Gathered**

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Shinra grit his teeth as he helped Izaya out of his coat and then out of the bloody t-shirt, trying his best to not completely snap at the man. "Sit!" he ordered and pointed at the hospital bed before he stomped towards the other side of the room to pick up disinfectant as well as some gauze to clean up the wound before sewing it.

Izaya mechanically sat down, too distracted by Shizuo's confession to notice the doctor's furious expression until the man was right in his face, ferocious eyes staring at him as though he was about ready to slaughter him. Startled, he recoiled from the glare, knowing full well just how dangerous the mad doctor was when he lost it. "W-What...?" he stuttered, wondering why his friend was so enraged.

"What you ask...? **What?****"** he growled and grabbed Izaya's arm to pull him closer so that he could clean the wound.

Izaya nearly trembled at the fury emanating from the doctor, and he clenched his jaw and tried not to cringe as the man kept staring at him, the silence stretching for what felt like an eternity before Shinra finally released him and proceeded to clean the wound none too gently. He nearly recoiled again when Shinra threw him a glare, a frightening thought taking root into his mind and refusing to fade away. Now worried about what the man would do, he watched as Shinra threw away the gauze, his red eyes following his every move, and then he bit into his lower lip in apprehension when the doctor picked up the needle with the holder and moved to sew the wound. "W-Wait! Wait!" he screeched when it looked like the frightening thought from mere moments before was about to turn into reality.

"Is there a problem?" Shinra asked in a cold voice, Izaya's reckless behavior infuriating him so much that he could barely restrain himself from smacking the idiot.

"You can't be s-serious about this!" Izaya said in a trembling voice, his eyes momentarily flickering down to the needle before locking with the doctor's dark grey ones. He wasn't one to be afraid of humans in general, but Kishitani Shinra was no ordinary man, and as such he dreaded to be anywhere near him when the doctor was in one of his sadistic moods. Judging by the way he was staring at him, it didn't look like he was planning to stand down, so Izaya pushed him away and jumped off the bed, wincing when more blood gushed from the stab wound. "I'd rather go to a hospital instead of getting tortured by you again," he said through clenched teeth, his brows furrowing in confusion when he heard him sigh.

"Fine, I will use local anesthesia," Shinra said and went to pick up a syringe.

Izaya watched him for a few moments before he reluctantly sat down again, feeling as though he had just dodged a bullet. He wasn't one to complain about pain in general, but after the agony he had to suffer because of Shizuo, he preferred to avoid it as much as possible. He knew that no matter what he said, Shinra would still be mad at him, so he chose to remain quiet while the doctor injected him with the anesthetic and began to sew the cut, musing on how to punish the monster sitting in the living room.

"The stab wound was not very deep. What happened?" Shinra asked once he was done, surprised that Izaya got stabbed to begin with.

"Ah, you see, I ran into Shizu-cha―"

"So it was that monster!" Shinra hissed and grabbed him by the arm, his mind set on finding out the truth even if he had to beat it out of him.

"No, it wa―"

"Why are you protecting him?"

"I'm not!" Izaya snapped, red eyes staring into Shinra's furious ones. "I hate him so much that I can barely restrain myself from going out there and slitting his throat!"

Shinra just glared at him, unable to comprehend why the man would ever want to be anywhere near that monster. "Why did you bring him here and asked me to treat him after what he did to you?" he inquired, hoping for an explanation that made sense.

"He can't die until I'm fully satisfied," Izaya said in a hollow voice while staring into nothingness.

"You'll never be satisfied!" Shinra snapped, the fury burning through his veins almost making him tremble.

"Perhaps, but I can't stop, because he is anathema to me," Izaya answered honestly.

"Please don't go anywhere near him again," Shinra pleaded as he put a hand on the man's shoulder and squeezed it gently. "I don't want you to get hurt again, I can't... I don't want to see that again."

Izaya clenched his fists into the sheets next to his thighs and lowered his head, the idea of the doctor seeing him the way he was back then and having to treat him making him drown in shame. "I shouldn't have told Kasuka your name that night," he said in a quivering voice. "I shouldn't have gotten you involved―"

"Stop with that nonsense!" Shinra growled in an uncharacteristic way, pissed off that Izaya was so dumb to believe that he would rather see him dead than to take care of his injuries. He had to find a way to make the idiot realize once and for all that he somewhat cared about him. He grabbed the man's jaw and forced his head up until their eyes met. "I'm angry because you're letting him get so close to you. Don't you understand how dangerous he is?"

"I understand," Izaya said and tried to tear himself away from the fingers capturing his jaw, the doctor's worried expression making him feel guiltier than he already felt for bringing the beast there.

"No, you don't, because if you did, you wouldn't go anywhere near him," Shinra said thickly and scrubbed a hand over his face after taking off his glasses, the beginning of a headache creeping up on him. "Do you know the sight I was greeted with when I entered the bathroom that night?"

Izaya laughed brokenly and closed his legs on instinct, the memory of that horrible pain making a shiver run down his spine. "I have a pretty good idea," he finally answered as he dimly stared at his thighs, his vision hazed by the memory of the blood he could almost see running down his legs.

"The water was crimson, that's how much blood you lost. That... that monster, that **animal** ripped you apart. Had I arrived twenty minutes later, you would've been dead right now. Please, **please** stay away from him," Shinra pleaded, his voice thick with emotion. "What if he loses it and attacks you again?"

"Shizu-chan said that he will never hurt me agai―"

"Snap out of it already!" he said and grabbed the idiot by the arms. He tightened his hold on the too skinny limbs and shook him a few times, hoping that Izaya would wake up and see the danger he was in. **"****He can't be trusted!** Do you really want to risk your safety just for revenge? It's not worth it, not if you're dead, because next time he loses it, he will kill you. He might even fuck you to death, is that what you want?!"

Izaya whined pathetically and shook his head. "He said that he wouldn't do it again, and earlier today, he saved―"

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Shinra snapped and buried his right hand into the black locks of his idiot patient. "Look at me!" he ordered and forced Izaya's head up again, not letting go even when the man tried to weakly pry away his hand. "I don't care what he says, he will relapse, and then he will rape you again, and maybe next time I won't get to you in time. Is that what you want?"

"I know that he can't be trusted," Izaya said, his body going limp in Shinra's hold.

"Then why?" Shinra asked and released him, exasperated by the man's stubbornness.

Izaya's body shook with incessant tremors, so he raised his legs and hugged his knees, curling into a ball on the hospital bed. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, unable to find his voice. His thoughts were a jumbled mess, so to say them out loud in a way that would make sense seemed like an impossible task. He perfectly understood where Shinra was coming from, but at the same time he couldn't stop wanting to damage Shizuo until the beast was just as broken as he was. He knew that he could get attacked any time he was anywhere near that animal, but judging by the few times he ran into Shizuo, it looked like the stupid monster was finally learning to control his rage at least to some degree. Just knowing that the protozoan regretted his actions made him feel better, because he didn't want to think how it would've been if Shizuo didn't feel any remorse towards what he had done to him.

"Hey," Shinra said softly and sat next to him on the bed, "are you all right?"

"C-Cold," said Izaya in a trembling voice.

Shinra used the opportunity to wrap an arm around Izaya's back and pull him into a hug, the man's surprised gasp followed by weak resistance making him chuckle softly.

"W-What a-are you d-doing?" Izaya stuttered.

"Warming you up."

Izaya stood stock still for a few moments, trying to decide whether he wanted to pull away or to snuggle in closer. He wasn't one for hugging or for sickly sweet signs of affection, but he was so cold that his teeth were chattering, so he gave in and moved closer, a satisfied sigh slipping past his lips once he started warming up.

"If you tell Celty about any of this, I'm going to dissect you," Shinra warned, feeling slightly uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Izaya snickered at first, but then he almost purred like a cat when Shinra started running his hand up and down his back, the man's touch no longer bothering him like it did in the past. The doctor had most likely gauged his reactions to see how far he could go, and Izaya was grateful for that, because at no point did he feel threatened by anything he did.

"I simply can't stay mad at you," Shinra confessed, amusement clear in his voice. "Do you think he left?" he asked in a more serious tone.

"No, because Shizu-chan wants to―" he started but he never got to finish because Shinra's phone beeped and the man fished it out from the pocket of his coat to answer the message.

"It's Celty," Shinra answered the unspoken question before he set the phone on the bed and proceeded to gently run his fingers through Izaya's hair.

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her that both you and Shizuo are here, and that I'd appreciate it if she could treat his wounds because I'm busy taking care of you."

Izaya chuckled and tightened his hold around Shinra's torso, his teeth finally ceasing their incessant chattering.

"I'm going to let it go for now, but I expect answers soon," Shinra warned, and he could feel Izaya tense in his arms before the man nodded weakly. He didn't like the idea of Celty being anywhere near that animal, but he didn't like how depressed she appeared to be lately, so he hoped that helping Shizuo would make her feel better, if only a little.

Celty almost dropped her PDA when she read the message, shocked that Shinra would let Shizuo into their home. She immediately jumped on her bike and drove to the apartment in record time, not even caring about the fearsome police officer trying to get her to stop for running a red light at some point. She looked around to make sure that she lost the man, and then she rushed to the elevator. It was only after she found herself inside the apartment and made those last few steps towards the living room that she realized how terrified she was about the whole thing. She wasn't scared of him in the traditional sense of the word, but she dreaded their encounter nonetheless, because the Shizuo sitting dejectedly on the coffee table in her living room was not the same person she once knew. The man before her had sexually abused another person, and even if said person happened to be Orihara Izaya, it was still wrong. It didn't look like he had noticed her presence, so when she sat down on the couch in front of him he jerked in surprise, his startled expression quickly morphing into one of shame.

"Celty, I..." he said in a tormented voice, but didn't find the strength to continue.

[Shinra told me to take a look at your wounds,] she typed on her PDA and showed him the message before she got up and went to retrieve the emergency medical kit they kept in the bathroom. She didn't like the idea of treating Shizuo herself, because she didn't have any confidence in her skills, but she had seen Shinra at work before, and she hoped that she would manage.

"You don't have to do this," Shizuo said when she came back.

Celty's posture turned rigid, and she needed a few moments to clear her absent head before she found the strength to type her reply. [I'm not going to let you die.]

Shizuo cringed at the memory of her struggling to pull the switchblade away from his chest back when he attempted to end his own life, and he felt remorse for scaring her like that. "Thank you," he said, grateful to her for not allowing him to die while still thinking that Kasuka had been irreparably damaged because of him.

[Where are you injured?]

"Back, three stab wounds," he said and proceeded to take off his jacket and t-shirt while Celty got things ready. He wanted nothing more than to get up and run out of the apartment, but no matter how ashamed he felt, he would grit his teeth and endure Izaya's punishment, because it was the least he could do after everything that happened between them.

[Did Izaya do this?] Celty asked just before she grabbed some gauze to clean the wounds.

"Yeah, but it was a misunderstanding. We didn't really fight, if that's what you're thinking," he answered after about a minute of awkward silence, and then noticed how her hand stilled for a moment before she put the bloody gauze away, picked up the needle, and started sewing his wounds.

Celty couldn't be sure if what she was doing was right, but no matter how much she wanted to stomp into the lab, drag Shinra out of there and force him to take over, she couldn't do that to the man she loved. When she had told him to make friends back when he was still in school, she never imagined that he would pick someone as terrible as Izaya, but somehow, the two of them became close, and now she knew that Shinra would even go as far as to murder Shizuo for Izaya if given the opportunity. She hated the current situation, especially the knowledge of what her friend did to the Informant, and when her mind unwillingly envisioned it, she shook her helmet so hard that it dropped to the floor with a clank.

Startled, Shizuo jumped to his feet and turned around, a grunt slipping past his lips when the thread pulled at his skin before it tore away.

Celty immediately put the needle down and picked up her PDA. [I'm sorry!]

"Don't worry about it," he said and went to pick up her helmet while she prepared another needle and thread. "I'm the one who's sorry," he continued after he came back and sat down, still holding onto her helmet. "I ruined everything, haven't I? Don't answer, just hear me out please. First of all, I want to thank you for being a good friend to me all these years. Your calming presence stopped me many times from breaking bones or twisting necks, and for that I'm grateful. You're more human than most people I know, hell, you're more human than I am, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise," he said and held onto her helmet for a few moments longer before setting it down on the coffee table. "I didn't want you to have to do this, but this is another one of Izaya's punishments, to have me see just how much my friends hate me, so I had no choice but to stay here and wait for you."

Celty felt as though an invisible fist had grabbed her heart and was squeezing it without mercy, Shizuos' grief having seeped into his voice as he conveyed his feelings and thoughts. She still couldn't understand how he could jump from beating up people to rape, but at the same time it didn't seem too far fetched if it involved Izaya, because the Informant had the talent of bringing out the worst in Shizuo. She took one look at her 'work of art' and set the needle down before she walked past him and sat down on the couch in front of him. [I don't hate you,] she told him, and watched as his eyes seemed to get some of their life back, [ but I'm disappointed in you, ] she continued, even though she knew that her words would hurt him. She had always been honest with him, and she had no intention of ever changing that about her.

"I'm sorry," Shizuo said and lowered his head, dyed locks hiding his eyes from view.

It broke her heart to see him like that, because he still cared about him, but she wanted to speak her mind, so she typed something again and pushed the PDA into his face until he read the message. [There's no excuse for what you've done.]

He simply nodded, the light blurriness in his eyes telling him that her words hurt him more than he ever wanted to admit.

[I had to clean Izaya's blood off his bathroom floor and tub, and that's not something I wish to ever do again.]

[And Shinra... can you imagine what it must've been like for him to see his best friend like that? I shudder just thinking about it.]

Shizuo felt his heart getting ripped to shreds by her words, and he rapidly blinked his eyes in an attempt to get rid of the tears starting to form at the corners of his eyes.

[However, there is also no excuse for what Izaya did to you.]

Shizuo actually jerked in surprise at that, and he had to read the message twice to make sure that he got it right.

[He tried to get you killed before, and unlike you, he still hasn't shown any remorse for what he's done.]

"He doesn't have to, because he's already paid for it. That's why I did it. In my crazed state, I thought that by doing... that... to him, we would be even," he said, nearly choking on the words.

[Oh...] was Celty's only reply, because she hadn't thought about it that way.

"Thank you again for everything. I don't expect forgiveness from anyone, and if I could go back and undo what I've done, I would do it in a heartbeat, but that's impossible, so all I can do now is live with what I've don―"

"Is Shizu-chan as good as new again?" Izaya asked in a singsong voice and slowly made his way towards the coffee table where he sat down on the opposite side from where the beast was sitting. Gathering his courage, he leaned against Shizuo's back, struggling to fight off the nausea as their naked skins touched, the beast tensing and the surprised noise escaping his lips bringing him enough satisfaction to momentarily distract him from the torture he threw himself into.

"What are you doing?!" Shinra nearly screeched, horrified, shocked by the the man's insane behavior. He immediately grabbed his wrist and tried to pull him up, but Izaya only leaned harder into Shizuo, hoping to inflict some pain on the beast.

"This is doctor brutality!" he cried out in protest and tried to free his wrist from the iron grip. "It's fine, Shizu-chan won't hurt me, right, Shizu-chan?" he asked, his lips quirking upwards into a smirk when the brute made a sound of assent. "Anyway, would you prefer it if I stained your couch with blood?" he asked, pouting, hoping that the doctor would back off because he was having too much fun pressing his shoulder into the brute's injured back.

"YES! I would prefer you did that!" Shinra quickly answered and pulled Izaya so hard that the man ended up crashing into his arms, a surprised yelp followed by a pained grunt spilling past both their lips.

Shizuo sprang to his feet and took a step around the table to go help them, but it didn't look like either of them needed help, so instead he stopped and just stood there watching them.

Izaya tried to push himself away, but Shinra caught him and pulled him back. "Aren't you being a little overprotective?" he asked, his voice betraying some of the annoyance he felt.

"One can never be too overprotective when it comes to someone as foolish as you," Shinra answered in a calm voice as he pushed Izaya behind him, now standing between Shizuo and his idiot patient.

"I'm going home," said Shizuo and turned around, only to stop in his tracks when he heard Izaya's next words.

"Who would've thought that all it took for the two of us to be able to stand in the same room without actively trying to kill each other was for Shizu-chan to almost fuck me to death?" he chirped, thoroughly enjoying the way in which the beast's shoulders sagged after hearing the truth.

Shinra felt all the color drain from his face, and for a moment he feared that his knees might buckle and that he'd fall to the ground like a sack of potatoes. He'd done everything in his power to keep the truth away from Celty, and yet the ungrateful bastard behind him crushed all of his efforts with only a few words.

Izaya didn't even have time to react when Shinra turned around and wrapped both hands around his neck, seriously trying to squeeze the life out of him. He tried to push him away but there was no use, not with the injuries and blood loss he'd suffered that day.

"How dare you hurt my Celty after everything I've done for you?" he hissed, only waking up from his murderous frenzy when Shizuo and Celty grabbed his arms and pried him away from Izaya. "Let go!" he demanded, and then went limp in their hold when he read the text on Celty's PDA.

[I've already known for a while.]

"How did you find out?" he asked, his usual cheerful voice now laced with grief.

Izaya coughed a few times, struggling to breath, the man's strength having taken him by surprise. "I told her," he said and nearly recoiled at the angry glare sent his way.

"I see. You can let go now," Shinra said in a surprisingly calm voice, "I won't attack him anymore," he then added and went to his lab to retrieve Izaya's t-shirt and coat. He quickly made his way back to the living room and threw the bloody clothes in Izaya's direction. "Get out of my house," he said in the coldest tone he could muster before he turned to Shizuo and gave him the same message. "You too. Now."

Both Shizuo and Izaya picked up their clothes and silently made their way out of the apartment, the violent way in which Shinra closed the door making them wince.

"You shouldn't have told her just because you wanted to hurt me," Shizuo said and lit up a cigarette, his deprived lungs screaming for a smoke.

"I didn't," Izaya said in a flat tone and proceeded to put on his clothes.

Shizuo's brows furrowed in confusion.

Izaya sighed and started walking away, Shizuo following closely behind him. "She cornered me in the stairwell, so I had no choice but to tell her. Does your stupid protozoic brain really think that I enjoy telling people how you almost fucked me to death?"

The flea's question took him so badly by surprise that Shizuo choked on the smoke. He stopped in his tracks and coughed a few times, at the same time realizing that it was best if Izaya went ahead.

"Well?" Izaya asked as he turned around, eyes narrowed in annoyance.

"I'll take the stairs," said Shizuo and took another drag from the cigarette.

Izaya shrugged. "Suit yourself. Ah, but before I go, you can have this back," he said and threw him the switchblade, Shizuo barely succeeding in catching it.

"Huh?"

"I wouldn't want to take away such an important trophy," Izaya sneered and threw him a disgusted look. "Consider it your reward for helping me today."

"It's n-not a trophy," Shizuo stuttered, embarrassed at having been caught carrying the weapon around.

Izaya sniggered, eyes sparkling in malevolence. "Then what is it, hmm?"

"A reminder..."

"Of how much you enjoyed it?"

"No!" Shizuo rushed to answer. "Of the biggest mistake I've done in my entire life."

"You might be able to fool Celty, or maybe even Shinra one day, but you will never fool me. I was there, so I know the **real** Heiwajima Shizuo. You might be sorry for what you've done, but I remember your grunts of pleasure and your painful thrusts, as well as your demeaning words, because that's what you wanted, no? You wanted to engrave every single one of them into my body and into my mind so that I'll never forget," he said and pointed to his head.

Shizuo could barely breathe, let alone say anything, so instead he just stood there, watching the man he had tried to break with all of his might.

"Congratulations, Shizu-chan, you succeeded, because I'll never forget," said Izaya before he turned around and started walking away. "I'll see you around," he then added as a promise of the pain that was to come, and he smiled bitterly when he heard Shizuo's fist slam into the wall, because that was the only thing he could do. _We'll definitely meet again and again, until you're just as broken as I am._


	32. Porcelain Heart

**Chapter 32: Porcelain Heart**

.

They both stood there and awkwardly stared at each other for a few long moments, the stifling silence slowly starting to turn unbearable. Shinra knew that he was supposed to say something, but he had no idea what Celty wanted to hear. He sighed out loud and forced his legs to move, immediately noticing the way she tensed as he approached her. He saw her raise the PDA to type something, but he gently grabbed her hand and stopped her. He couldn't read her expression, because she didn't have her head, but everything about her posture told him that she was confused. "Whatever you want to say, it can wait," he told her just before he pulled her into a tight hug.

She hugged him back just as tightly, something she hadn't done since the day she cornered Izaya and forced him to reveal the truth. She hadn't been able to comfort Shinra before, because she didn't want him to know that she was aware of what happened between their two friends, but now that he knew, she hoped that she could somehow help him. She felt a bit guilty for what he was going through, because she was the one who insisted he made connections with other people, but she never imagined that he'd pick Izaya, and as terrible as the Informant was, even she felt some pity towards the man now that she knew what Shizuo had done to him. As much as he liked to believe otherwise, Orihara Izaya was only a man, and even though Shizuo was not exactly a monster, he was pretty close to one, at least in terms of physical strength, so it was only natural for the Informant to lose if he ever got caught. She was certain that it happened the night when Shinra got a strange phone call and went to Izaya's place, because he kept avoiding her questions whenever she inquired about the Informant's health. The bruises on the man's jaw, as well as the ones encompassing his neck, didn't make much sense back then, but now she finally understood why they were nothing like the injuries one would get after a regular fistfight.

"Let's go to the bedroom," Shinra suggested, feeling completely exhausted after the day's events. He sensed her stiffen in his arms and he sighed, feeling a bit hurt that she would think him capable of flirting with her in such a situation. "Do you have such a low opinion of me? I'm really tired, and honestly, at this point, I just want to hold you. I know you want it too," he then added in a completely serious tone.

If she had a head, Celty would've nodded, but she didn't, so all she could do was tighten her hold around his torso and hope that he understood her answer that was both an apology and a concession. She hated herself for only allowing him to be close to her when she sought comfort, but both people and monsters didn't change over night, and her bad habit of kicking him away each time he got close had been deeply ingrained. He released her and led her to the bedroom, and even though Celty knew that it wouldn't be for long, she still missed the warmth of his body.

Shinra kicked his shoes off and barely stopped himself from slumping onto the bed. Instead, he sat down and leaned his back against the headboard before he patted the spot in front of him for Celty to lie on. He smiled a bit when she crawled into his arms, but his joy felt bitter because of the circumstances which had led to it. "They're both the biggest idiots in the whole wide world," he said, and Celty felt her heart shatter into a million pieces, his voice sounding more sorrowful than she ever remembered hearing it before. "Just because I hate Shizuo for what he did, it doesn't mean that I don't understand how it is to lose yourself to your anger. Izaya has this accursed talent of making people want to wring his neck, or to at least wipe that condescending smirk off his face, but you know, that's still no excuse for what that monster did."

She shifted a bit and typed on her PDA before showing it to Shinra. [I still find it hard to believe that he'd do something like that.]

"I understand how you feel. I don't think that I would've believed Izaya even if he told me himself, but the sample I took from him belonged to Shizuo. There's no denying that Izaya is a lying piece of shit sometimes, and quite the monster himself, but Shizuo took it too far. I don't know what Izaya did to piss him off, but Shizuo should've known better... he really should've known better..." said Shinra, his voice trembling in rage towards the end.

[I know that he did it,] she said, and then twisted and turned until she was resting with her back against his chest. It was easier for her to type like that, and also for him to read. [He seemed really broken up about it.]

Shinra hadn't meant to, but he sneered, and he could only hope that Celty wasn't offended by it, because his sneer wasn't directed at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

[It's ok, don't worry about it.]

Shinra shook his head, feeling completely disgusted by Izaya's actions. "It doesn't matter anymore, because I'm done with both of them. I have no issues with Izaya taking revenge on Shizuo, because the monster deserves it, but to get you involved... that's an entirely different matter altogether. I can't forgive the brat, not this time. After everything I've done for him, to get betrayed like that... you could say that my friendship with him ended the moment he dared to hurt you, because that's when I drew the line."

[He didn't hurt me,] Celty rushed to assure him, feeling a bit guilty for breaking their friendship. She didn't like that the two of them were friends, but she couldn't deny that it helped Shinra to become more human, even if his friend happened to be a manipulative bastard.

Shinra grit his teeth harder, his anger towards Izaya burning hotter than ever. "He hurt you, I am certain, because I **know** you."

[No, you don't understand.]

"I understand perfectly," Shinra snorted, his grey eyes glaring daggers at the PDA as though it was responsible for his beloved's suffering.

[I didn't give him a choice,] she confessed.

Shinra's brows furrowed in confusion and he stared at the PDA, his mind trying to process the words written on the screen. "What do you mean?"

[That day when we fought, I cornered Izaya in the stairwell and forced him to tell me the truth.]

He sneered again, now even more pissed off than before. "No one can force Izaya to do anything."

[I wouldn't be so sure about that.]

"It's not like you beat the truth out of him... or did you?" he asked, slightly worried.

[No, but I was a bit rough on him, and I refused to let him go until he told me the truth.]

Shinra didn't know what to say to that, so he kept quiet and allowed her to continue.

[I don't like him,] she said, wanting to get it out of her system before she continued, because she didn't want the two of them to never talk to each other again because of her, no matter how much she despised the man.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and lowered his chin in the crook of her neck. "I know that."

She shivered a bit at the intimate contact but continued to type. [Then you also know that I would never take his side unless he was really innocent.]

He nodded and waited for her to continue.

[He warned me that I would get hurt, and he gave me many chances to walk away,] she admitted, and then took a small pause before typing again, [but I kept pressuring him into telling me what happened.]

Shinra was still mad at Izaya, but at the same time it sounded like the man had no choice but to tell her everything. There had been times when his friend had genuinely seemed scared of him, and he hated that, because Izaya wasn't supposed to ever be scared of anyone. "Perhaps I shouldn't have snapped at him like that," he reluctantly admitted, even though he was still pissed off about the whole situation.

[And I shouldn't have forced him to reveal something that he would've preferred to keep a secret.]

"I shouldn't have hidden the truth from you, but I didn't want to invade Izaya's privacy, and I also didn't want to see you hurt, because I know that Shizuo is your best friend," he said, and then he felt her stiffen in his embrace.

Celty's fingers hovered timidly above the keyboard for a few moments while trying to gather the courage to tell him how she felt about him. [You're my best friend.]

"Only that?" he asked in a voice that sounded almost foreign to him, because he'd never allowed so much bitterness to seep into his tone before.

[No...]

"Then what? Don't tell me that I'm like a little brother to you, because such an answer would certainly crush my heart to smithereens." He expected to get hit, or for her to at least get up, walk out, and then slam the door behind her, but what he didn't expect was for Celty to turn around and to nestle into his arms, her unexpected behavior leaving him so stumped that he had no idea how to react.

Celty slowly raised her hand with the intention to touch his face, and even though he jerked in surprise, she didn't pull back and instead proceeded to caress his cheek.

He kept hoping that one day Celty would be his, but after so long, he was beginning to have doubts, doubts which obviously turned out to be false, because there she was, nestled in his arms, being all affectionate and loving. He gently captured her wrist, pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it. "I don't care if death is the price for my audacity," he said and planted a kiss on her neck. He almost flinched when she started to squirm around, but no bodily harm came to him for his daring actions, and if that wasn't a sign that she was all right with it, then he didn't know what was. He loved everything about her, especially her scent, because she smelled fresh, unlike the human smell of death and decay. If _perfection_ had a name, Shinra knew that its name would be Celty. He smirked against her skin when the black smoke started to retract wherever his lips touched, and he dared to turn her around a bit and to go lower and lower towards her breast, the way she seemed to arch into his touch making him think that she was thoroughly enjoying it. "I love you," he said and then raised his head and crushed her into a hug, because no matter how much he **wanted** her, he didn't wish to take advantage of her when she was feeling depressed about her friend.

The moment he stopped, it was like she had been woken up from a dream, and she immediately used her shadowy smoke to cover her shoulders and neck, suddenly feeling extremely ashamed by how her body ended up reacting to his ministrations. She tried to pull away, because she felt the need to hide from him, but he chuckled darkly and only tightened his hold around her back and waist. "Running is no longer an option," he said in a low voice that almost sounded like a purr.

The passionate words made her shiver, and somehow, she felt hotter than she could ever remember feeling. Celty had known for a very long time that Shinra desired her, so she didn't need Izaya to tell her that, but his words did serve as a wake-up call, and as much as she disliked the man, she was a bit grateful to him for opening her metaphorical eyes. It had been her conscious choice to not let anyone get close to her, because as long as she didn't have her head, she feared that she could die at any moment. It upset her greatly that she was not in control of her own life, but she was slowly starting to realize that by denying her own desires, she was denying herself the right to live. Shinra knew that he could lose her at any moment, and yet he was still willing to follow his heart and to allow himself to love, and if he could do it, then so could she. Even if her head were to be kept safe, and she could go on living for a very long time, Shinra didn't have the same luxury, because his human life was bound to end at some point. It had to be terrifying for humans to live knowing that only death awaited them, to know that one day they would lose everything, be it the fortune they had acquired during their lifetime, or the people they loved or who loved them back. Death was only a possibility in her case, not a certainty, and if she felt that way, she could only imagine how much harder it had to be for Shinra to know that one day he would cease to exist. They both wanted and needed each other, and for the first time since she woke up without her memories, she had no problem in returning his feelings, because now she finally knew that she loved him back. It was only because it was Shinra that she would even consider such a possibility, and she shuddered at the thought of doing something intimate with anyone else. Both Shizuo and Izaya came to mind then, and she tore herself from his arms and rushed to the door.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked in a trembling voice, hoping that he hadn't scared her or anything like that, because after getting a taste of her, he doubted that he could ever go back to not being able to touch her the way he truly wanted to.

[I'm going to see Shizuo,] she said and pressed the handle.

"What?" He nearly screeched and then rushed to grab her arm. "Don't go near him, please," he pleaded, hoping that she would heed his request.

She turned around and caressed his cheek once more with her free hand. [Nothing bad will happen to me, I promise.]

"Please don't go," he tried again.

[I'll be back soon, I promise.]

Shinra reluctantly released her arm, a maelstrom of emotions leaving him unable to think. He had no doubts that she'd be safe, but he still worried about her.

[He won't hurt me,] she said, and then rushed out of the apartment.

The weather was dark and gloomy as she stepped outside, and it felt somewhat fitting of such a depressing day. She got on her motorcycle and petted her beloved Shooter, the affectionate gesture always making her feel a bit better, because her horse-turned-bike was the only companion she had from before she lost her head and her memories along with it. She didn't rush to her destination, because she dreaded the conversation that awaited her, but she had to go there anyway. She could almost understand why people sometimes felt jealous when they saw other people being happy, because now, more than ever, she wished to be as carefree as some of the humans she passed by on her way to Shizuo's apartment. Hers and Shinra's universe had been turned upside down by their friends, but the world didn't seem to know or care. Izaya had interrupted her discussion with Shizuo, but she still wanted to finish it, now more than ever after realizing what a blasphemous thing it was to use sex in such a way.

She spent the rest of the way there thinking about what to tell him, and by the time he reached the apartment, it was starting to get dark outside. It was still pretty early though, and she doubted that he was sleeping, so she raised her hand and knocked a few times until she heard his footsteps as he approached the door.

"C-Celty?" he asked, confused at seeing her so soon after their discussion at Shinra's place. "Why are you here?"

She pulled out her PDA from inside the pocket of her jumpsuit and explained the reason for her visit. [I didn't get to finish what I had to say because Izaya interrupted us, but if you don't mind, I'd like to continue from where we left off.]

He reluctantly nodded and invited her inside. "Does Shinra know that you're here?"

[Yes, I told him before I left.]

He cringed just thinking how pissed off the doctor must've been when she told him where she was going, but he pushed that thought aside and sat down on the couch, his mind set on listening to what she had to say, whether it would tear him apart or bring him sweet relief.

She sat down next to him, not at all worried that he would hurt her in any way, because she was still a monster, and Shinra's worries were unfounded.

"Whatever it is that you have to say, say it, and then go back to Shinra; the sooner the better."

She felt pity for him, and even though she was shocked by what he did to Izaya, she still held the hope that he was not a completely terrible person. [You must be hurting so badly right now,] she said, and then continued when he gave her a grunt of assent, [but no matter what Izaya did to you that day, you shouldn't have taken it out on him like that.]

"Nothing..." he said in an apathetic voice.

[?]

"He didn't do anything," he admitted, his blank expression hiding the torment he felt within.

[I'm not sure that I understand what you mean...]

His mask fell off and his features twisted in pain, his heart aching as the memories of that day flooded his mind. "He didn't do anything at all."

Celty watched him in disbelief for a few moments before she finally found the strength to move, her fingers quivering badly as she slowly typed her question. [Is that true, or are you trying to make yourself into the villain for Izaya's sake?] Shizuo's broken laugh sent a shiver down her spine, and when she looked into his eyes, she could swear that she saw a bit of madness in there, something that she couldn't remember ever seeing before.

"I wish that he would've done something, because then I'd at least have an excuse," he said, the corners of his lips turning upwards into a maniacal smirk, "but the flea was innocent this time around, and his only sin was that he refused to apologize to me for all the shit he's done over the years."

[You told me that when you drown in rage, you sometimes lose yourself to the point that you are no longer aware of your actions.]

Shizuo nodded, the insane smirk still not leaving him.

[Is that what happened with Izaya?] she asked, and she almost shrank back when his expression turned wild, as though he was starting to lose his mind.

"Oh, no, I remember **everything,** because I **wanted** to break the flea. I wanted to ruin him, and I wanted to destroy him, because I'm nothing more than a monster, and that's what monsters do, right?"

Her heart sank, finally starting to understand his behavior. [You can't chase me away like this. You can act evil all you want, but it will be my choice whether I walk away from you or stay by your side,] she said, and then saw how his crazed expression fell and was replaced by a tormented one.

Despite how horrible he felt, he still smiled a bit. "I've never been very good at lying."

[You're a terrible liar,] Celty conceded.

"But you're wrong this time around," he said, his smile turning into a frown. "Everything I've said is true. Izaya really didn't do anything to provoke me that evening, and even though I gave him a chance to walk away, I still shouldn't have done that to him just because he refused to apologize. I enjoyed it, Celty, I really did, because for once, that fucked up flea was at my mercy, and the feeling was exhilarating. I hurt him badly, because I wanted him to remember what it meant to mess with Ikebukuro's beast, to the point that he'd regret ever crossing paths with me." He then grabbed the cigarette pack and the lighter from the coffee table with trembling hands and lit one up, once again falling prey to his bad habit of smoking when he was either angry or nervous. And he was nervous, because he knew that his words would chase Celty away, but it was only fitting for him to lose everything after inflicting so much emotional damage on the flea. "I succeeded, because he will never forget. He always thought that I was a monster, and instead of showing him otherwise, I proved him right, because I'm nothing more than a stupid beast, and I deserve nothing less than death for my sins. He won't let me die though, not yet, not until I break too, I know that now," he said and then suddenly grabbed her arm and pulled her closer to him. He leaned towards her, the way her smoke was spilling from underneath her helmet telling him that she was either angry, nervous, or perhaps both. "Do you really think it's safe to be around me?"

Celty tried to pull her hand away to answer his question, but he didn't let go, so she had to type from a rather awkward position. [You don't scare me.]

"But you should be afraid of me," he said and kept tightening his grip until he saw that he was causing her pain. It was only then that he released her wrist and hoped that she would finally leave and never come back. He took a drag from the cigarette and smirked, inwardly trying to convince himself that he felt no regret for his actions. He was a monster, and monsters weren't supposed to feel regret, or at least that's what he remembered Izaya telling him before. "I knew it right then that I was a monster. Even you have to admit, Celty, that no normal person would enjoy that, but I did. It felt so good to humiliate that fucked up flea, and even though a part of me regrets it, the monster in me rejoices at the victory."

[You're despicable!] she finally snapped, feeling completely sickened by his words.

"Yes, I am," he admitted and took another drag from the cigarette.

Celty was so upset that she couldn't even sit down anymore, so she sprang to her feet and furiously typed on the PDA, almost dropping the device in the process. [Sex is supposed to be something intimate between two people who love each other, not a weapon to terrorize and debase another person!]

"There are people, and then there are animals. Guess which one am I? You were wrong about me. I'm not the person you thought I was. You almost made me believe that I was human, but now I know better," he said and crushed the cigarette butt into the ashtray before getting up as well. "You see, you and I are opposites. I'm a human who's really a monster, and you're a monster who's more human than most people I know, so run along, little Dullahan, go back to Shinra before you end up getting hurt by a real monster." He stopped her when she raised her PDA to write some more, and then grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out of his apartment before he slammed the door into her non-existent face.

He laughed brokenly as he sat down on the couch, his eyes filling with tears at the realization that he had just chased away his friend. He didn't deserve to have anyone by his side, and she certainly didn't deserve to get involved into Izaya's games, so it was best if both she and Shinra kept their distance, because he was the only one who was supposed to break, and he didn't want to drag them down with him. He knew that he had damaged Izaya, but it wasn't until their discussion outside of Shinra's apartment that he realized just how much he had broken the flea. He could feel the tears starting to run down his cheeks, but he no longer cared, because no one was there to see him, and even though he was a monster, even monsters were allowed to cry once in a while.

He stayed there for a while, chain-smoking the remaining cigarettes until he was sure that Celty was gone. Only then did he get up, got dressed and left the apartment, his mind set on getting drunk. It felt as though he could no longer go on if his mind didn't get some rest from the torment he was constantly feeling, and for the first time in over two months, he wanted to forget everyone and everything, if only for a few hours.


	33. Sing For Absolution

**Chapter 33: Sing For Absolution**

.

It was around two in the morning when Tom was woken up from his sleep by the sound of his phone going off. He groaned as he stretched his arm to find it, failing a couple of times before finally grasping the device, scrubbing a hand over his face in an attempt to wake up enough to understand what the person on the other end was saying. "Who are you?" he finally said when he realized that it wasn't Shizuo's voice.

_"No one important, but I'd appreciate it if you could come pick up your drunk employee from my bar,"_ the man said in a slightly exasperated tone.

"Shizuo?" he asked, brows furrowed in confusion, because his friend wasn't much into drinking as far as he knew.

_"Yes, Heiwajima Shizuo, he's about to pass out on the counter, and there are a few dangerous guys who've been watching him for a while now."_

Tom immediately jumped to his feet and rushed to pick up his clothes. "Are you one of his friends?"

_"No, but I've seen the two of you around a couple of times, and that's why I know your names. I would appreciate it if you could hurry, because things might escalate very soon. The bar's name is Zon. I assume you know where it is."_

"I'll be right there," Tom said and ended the call. He fumbled around in the darkness for a while, trying to find his clothes, until he finally remembered to turn on the lamp on the nightstand, the blinding light making him raise his arm to shield his bleary eyes from it. It hurt to even open them, but he knew that he couldn't waste any more time, so he rushed to his discarded clothes―the ones he didn't have time to properly hang or fold before he went to sleep―and proceeded to put them on. He then picked up his phone and keys and called a taxi, wanting to get there as soon as possible.

He knew better than anyone how many enemies Shizuo made over this years, which was one of the reasons he had advised him to never get drunk in public. It was like asking to get mugged, or worse, killed. "Step on it," he told the taxi driver the moment he sat on the back seat, handing him a hefty sum of money to make sure that the man would heed his request. He was usually a very patient man, but for once, he was tempted to throw the other out of the car and drive there himself, because no matter how fast they were going, he still couldn't be sure that he would get there in time. He couldn't help but wonder what was going on with Shizuo, because no matter how he looked at it, his friend seemed to have greatly changed during the span of only about three months. Thinking back, he now remembered the exact day when something in Shizuo changed. He was certain that whatever it was, it must've happened the day before Shizuo showed up at work wearing normal clothes. Prior to their day off, Shizuo was his usual self when they parted ways, but then, not even two days later, he seemed like a completely different person. He blankly stared at the city lights, trying to recall anything that would help him figure out what was going on with his friend, but, unfortunately, he came up empty.

By the time the car stopped in front of the bar, he still had no idea what was wrong with Shizuo. He thanked the driver, got out of the car, and strode inside the establishment, his eyes roaming all over the place until he spotted Shizuo gulping down another glass of alcohol. Instead of rushing in, he searched the crowd for anyone who was observing his friend, immediately spotting two potential threats. Both men were sitting at the same table, far away from the door, the hate they held towards Shizuo evident in their eyes. One of them kept playing with what Tom assumed was a knife inside the pocket of his jacket, a clear indication of how dangerous the person was.

"Tanaka-san," he heard someone say, and he turned his head towards that person.

"You're the one I talked to earlier?"

The man nodded and handed him Shizuo's phone, still marveling at how the device even worked considering how crushed it appeared to be, a few pieces of plastic having already fallen off.

"Thank you." Tom pocketed the phone and then turned towards the men who were obviously after Shizuo's life. "Are there more besides those two?"

"If there are, I haven't spotted them."

Tom fished his wallet from the pocket of his pants and pulled out a few bills. "Thank you for your help."

"I didn't do in the hope of getting some sort of reward."

"Then why did you do it?" Tom asked the younger man, now slightly curious about why he would help Shizuo if the two of them weren't friends.

"Because Heiwajima-san is a good person who would help a complete stranger at the risk of his own life," he said and then continued when the man he knew as Tanaka Tom seemed genuinely curious about it. "About half a year ago, when I was going home from work, I was mugged by two men. One of them had a gun, but Heiwajima-san, who just happened to pass by right at that moment, saw someone in danger and acted with no regard to his safety. I owe him my life, and I wanted to repay him."

"Shizuo hates violence," Tom said with a small smile on his face.

The bartender sniggered. "I'm sure he does. I have to go back to work now, so if you'll excuse me..."

"Wait!"

"Yes?"

"Can you provide us with a distraction so that I can safely get him out of here?"

The man smiled. "No problem."

Tom thanked him again and they shook hands, waiting for the aforementioned distraction to happen so that he could extract Shizuo from inside the bar. The younger man pretended to accidentally trip and spill a few glasses of alcohol on the two stalkers, his acting skills worthy of applause. He made a mental note to come back and properly thank him for his help. Focusing on his task, he approached Shizuo as inconspicuously as possible and grabbed him by the arm while the two stalkers were busy raging at the bartender. "Shizuo, we have to go, now," he told him, but it didn't look like his friend was listening to him, because instead of getting up, he poured himself more alcohol and then drank the whole glass in one go.

"Hic! This tsty," he heard Shizuo slur, lost in his own drunken world. Annoyed, Tom grabbed the glass and pushed it away before he pulled his friend up and half-dragged him towards the back exit.

"'mnot done," Shizuo whined and tried to wring himself from Tom's hold.

"Don't even think about it," Tom said sternly and tightened his grip to make sure that Shizuo couldn't go back. Even drunk, his friend would never use enough strength to harm him, so unless Tom willingly released him, Shizuo had no way of going back without hurting him.

"Not drnk enogh... I still rmembr," Shizuo said, and then tried once again to go back, only to stop in his tracks and follow Tom out the door when the man harshly pulled him by the arm. "I ned t' go bck," he tried again, but it didn't look like his boss was listening to him. "Pleas, I ned to forgt."

"We'll talk about it later," he said and started dragging a very drunk Shizuo through side streets and alleyways, grateful that his friend's apartment was really close to the bar.

"Mor sakeee!" Shizuo shouted, and then laughed nervously when Tom shushed him. "Gotta go," he said in an apologetic voice. "Cnt hold it in 'nymore."

Tom sighed in exasperation and moved towards the nearest alley with Shizuo in tow, his eyes darting all over the place, hoping to spot any danger in case those two men decided to not give up on their prey. "Hurry up."

Shizuo's shoulders jerked in silent laughter, and he had to grab onto the wall for support as the suppressed sounds quickly turned into full-fledged laughter. "Lots o' sakeee, cnt hury."

"I told you to not get drunk like this," Tom said, feeling exasperated by the messed-up situation he found himself thrown into. "If you weren't such a good guy, you would be dead right now. It's pure luck that you happened to get drunk in a bar where the employee owed you one."

"No good."

"You know how many enem―" Tom started, but stopped when he thought he heard something.

"'m evil..."

"Shhh!" Tom said, irritated, and squinted his eyes in an attempt to easier spot the source of the sound. A cat suddenly sprinted from behind a bush and he couldn't help but laugh at the scene. "I really thought we were being follow―"

"You're so dead," a man wearing a ski mask and holding a gun said as he too appeared from behind the same bush as the cat.

"Look, we don―"

"Not you, HIM!" the man said and pointed the gun towards Shizuo, who in the meantime zipped his pants and turned around.

"If you kill him, the police will **find** you!" Tom said, hoping to dissuade the soon-to-be shooter if he didn't find a way to stop him. His eyes flickering to the gun momentarily, and he realized that the situation was untenable.

"No one messes with the Dollars and gets away with it," said the man, chuckling, and then slowly approached Ikebukuro's beast. "You humiliated me in front of everyone, so just die!" he snarled and fired a shot, the bullet hitting the wall instead of Shizuo's chest.

"Wait," Tom screamed in panic, "you will go to prison if you do this!" The man didn't seem to care though. "Shizuo," he said and turned to his friend, "say something!"

Shizuo laughed and lit himself a cigarette, looking completely unconcerned. "Dun care."

Tom's eyes widened in disbelief, only now realizing just how bad Shizuo was doing because of whatever it was that happened a few months earlier. "You can't be serious!"

"Don't care," Shizuo repeated with nary a care in the world.

The masked man laughed and approached the one he was about to murder. "I lost my girlfriend because of you, so die you bast―" he said, but never got to finish because something hit him in the head so hard that he lost consciousness.

"I knew he was trouble," said the bartender after he pocketed the Kubotan he used to knock the other man unconscious. "I needed something to defend myself after I almost got killed," he said, smiling, answering Tom's unspoken question.

Tom finally allowed himself to breathe in relief. He'd seen the man sneak behind the masked punk, and he almost thought that he wouldn't make it in time, but the assailant had been too busy insulting Shizuo to pay attention to his surroundings. "Thank you, again..."

"Takaba Shin. Just call me Shin," the bartender said and pulled out his cellphone to call the police.

Tom left the man alone for a bit and went to Shizuo's side, finding his darkened gaze to be rather disturbing. "Hey, Shizuo, let's get you home."

This time, Shizuo didn't laugh or protest. Instead, he pushed himself away from the wall and started walking towards his apartment without saying a word.

"The police are on their way, so don't worry, go ahead and make sure he gets home in one piece," Shin said and waved them good-bye.

Tom nodded and followed Shizuo, wondering what was wrong with his friend. "Hey, are you ok?"

"Greaat," Shizuo slurred, still affected by the alcohol he had previously drank at the bar.

"Look, if there's any way I can help..." he said and grabbed him by the arm when he saw him totter. "I'm here for you, so let me know if you need anything."

"Nah," Shizuo said and threw away the cigarette butt.

They spent the rest of the way in silence, and when they finally reached the apartment, he dropped Shizuo on the couch and went to get him some clothes to wear for the night. He set them on the coffee table and tried to pull him up, but the man shook his head and refused to move. "You can't sleep like this," he said, but he got no answer. Sighing, he took a seat on the couch and waited for his friend to wake up, if only a bit, from his drunken state. "Ok, so what happened?" He didn't expect an immediate answer, but he jerked in surprise more than half an hour later when Shizuo finally decided to answer.

"I messed up," he said as he withdrew the cigarettes and the lighter from his pocket. "I hurt him badly. I lost it."

"Who?"

"Iz―... no, never mind," said Shizuo, immediately berating himself for almost saying too much. "Go home."

Tom stood up reluctantly and watched Shizuo in silence for a few moments. "Will you be all right?"

Shizuo nodded. "G'night," he said, and watched his friend go. He waited for a few minutes and walked out the door as well, almost forgetting to close it. He begrudgingly turned back and locked it, slightly annoyed at having to do such trivial matters when he had something important to take care of.

It was around three forty five in the morning when Izaya got startled by the sound of someone knocking on his door, the noise stopping him from swishing in his desk chair from side to side. Clients didn't usually seek him out so late at night, so he furrowed his brows in confusion and stared at the door for a few moments, trying to figure out what was going on. He should've been asleep, but sleep was no longer something he could easily achieve or enjoy, so most mornings found him at his desk or in his bed, staring at the computer screen, either working or messing with other humans who were also awake.

_"Izaya!"_ he heard the beast's voice from behind the door and he jerked in surprise, wary about Shizuo seeking him out so late at night. He inwardly cursed Tom for giving the idiot his business card and pushed himself deeper into the chair, a sense of foreboding making him reluctant to open the door. Shizuo had ripped his precious behind apart, and no matter what the brute said, he would not open that door, even though he didn't doubt that Ikebukuro's beast could easily bring it down.

_"IZAYA! Open the door, I have something to tell you."_

The Informant grit his teeth harder in annoyance, his hand tightening around the switchblade he kept inside the pocket of his pajamas. Most people didn't carry a weapon with them at all times, but unlike them, he was number one on Shizuo's list of most hated people.

_"Open up, flea! Don't make me bring down the door,"_ he warned, his mind set on not leaving before he got a chance to talk to Izaya.

"If you have something to say, then say it, because I won't open it," he said and swiveled in his chair as a way to distract himself from the terrifying monster threatening to barge into his home, his only sanctuary not yet sullied by the beast known as Heiwajima Shizuo.

_"IIIZAAAYAAAAA!"_

"Shizu-chan, I advise you to leave before I call the police," he said, his measured tone belying the deep fury that seemed to make his red eyes burn.

_"Ok, I'll say it here. Listen, flea, I'm really sorry I raped you. I don't know what―"_

Izaya couldn't hear the rest, the sounds of his own hurried footsteps resonating in his ears as his already pale face turned paler at the thought of anyone hearing the idiot's confession. He fumbled with the lock as Shizuo kept talking, and then viciously opened the door, grabbed the protozoan by the arm and pulled him inside. "Are you insane?" he asked, stunned by how much of an idiot the brute could be, his eyes widening in disbelief when the familiar stench of alcohol wafted through the air. **You fucking idiot,"** he ground out the words, even though he didn't usually curse.

"Flea, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me," he honestly pleaded, not exactly aware of how insane he was acting in his drunken state.

Izaya laughed fitfully, and then held his arms tightly as he breathed in and out in an attempt to calm down enough to not gut the man right there and then. Shizuo was drunk out of his mind, so Izaya knew that it would be a child's play to bring him to an untimely end. "Shizu-chan," Izaya said wearily and then sighed, "go home."

"I can't! It hurts..." Shizuo said brokenly as he leaned against the wall, looking as though he was about to fall.

"Hmm? What are you talking about?"

Shizuo's eyes stung, heavy with moisture, the sight of the one who had once been his victim squeezing his heart in a vice-grip. He opened his mouth and tried to get some much needed air into his lungs, but it didn't seem like there was ever enough. "Can't breathe."

Sighing out loud, Izaya cautiously approached him and raised his right hand to unzip the protozoan's jacket, realizing that it was best to get the idiot to calm down before he'd lose it and do something worse. He slowly grabbed the slider and reluctantly proceeded to lower it, his eyes never leaving the brute's face. Because Shizuo was so easy to read, he was already familiar with most of the little signs that would precede one of the man's rage episodes, so he would have enough time to run the hell away from the monster if he were to lose his control once again. Besides, he wasn't helping Shizuo out of the goodness of his heart, because he still despised the man, but he wanted to prove to himself that he was not completely terrified of the monstrous and at the same time pathetic creature before him. "Ok, all done. Better now?" he asked and then backed away, not expecting Shizuo to shake his head and grab the front of his t-shirt as though he was in physical pain.

"Can't breathe..." Shizuo said again and lowered his head, his eyes scrunched in pain.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not a doctor, so I suggest you go see one right away." He then turned on his heels, wanting to go back to his desk, but he stopped in his tracks, Shizuo's words taking him completely by surprise.

"It's suffocating... the guilt, I can't breathe."

The corners of Izaya's lips moved upwards into a sadistic smile, and he turned around, wanting to enjoy the beast's torment to the fullest. He knew that Shizuo regretted his actions, but he had no idea how tortured the man really was. Feeling as though he was in complete power, he sauntered towards Shizuo and grabbed a fistful of blond hair, forcing his head up to better look into his eyes. "Is it really that painful?" He knew that he probably looked insane with that crazed smile on his face, but he couldn't help himself, because he was enjoying the other's anguish too much.**"Good!"**he said when his unwanted guest nodded.

"I'm sorry," Shizuo said weakly.

"Never, I will **never** forgive you!" Izaya snarled and removed his fingers from the dyed locks. **"Never!"** he repeated as he turned around to go back to his desk, not expecting Shizuo to grab his right arm. Despite himself, Izaya was overcome with nausea, the brutish grip bringing back vivid details of his assault. He could almost hear the sounds of clothes rustling and of Shizuo's buckle unfastening, and his whole body quaked in terror. He slowly turned his head, his voice dripping venom as he ordered the beast to release him. "Let go!"

"Please, I'm sorry," Shizuo said and pulled him closer, not realizing what he was doing.

Izaya tried to tear himself away from the beast's clutches, or to at least reach the switchblade he kept in the right pocket of his pants, but somehow, during the ensuing struggles, they both ended up on the floor. The hold on his arm loosened, so he tried to get away, but Shizuo grabbed his ankle and pulled him back. He shoved his right hand inside his pocket and pulled out the switchblade, his mind set on murdering the beast if it didn't let go.

"Forgive me..." were Shizuo's last words before he plummeted into unconsciousness.

"Shizu-chan, if you don't let go, I'm going to slit your throat," he warned, his tone a little strained, and then continued when he got no answer. "Shizuo?" His brows furrowed in confusion. "Did you pass out?" he asked in disbelief, even though he knew the other couldn't answer. His eyes narrowed into slits and he glared at the man, the desire to viciously plunge the switchblade into the beast over and over again vying for dominant influence over the more rational side of his brain that told him he was in no danger and that such an extreme action was not necessary. Leaning forward, he grabbed Shizuo's fingers and tried to unsuccessfully unclench them from around his ankle, a frustrated sound slipping past his lips at being unable to free himself. "Stupid Shizu-chan," he snapped and kicked him in the head with his foot a couple of times, but the idiot still didn't let go.

"Shizu-chan, you'd better wake up before I start slicing your fingers off," he said, but, once again, he got not answer. "If you don't wake up, I'm going to carve the word _monster_ into your forehead." His expression turned maniacal and he moved closer, really tempted to do what he said he would do. The problem was that too many questions would arise if Ikebukuro's beast showed up one day with something like that on its forehead, and he didn't like the idea of anyone else finding out what happened between the two of them. As much as he wanted everyone to hate Shizuo, especially Tom and Dotachin, he couldn't stand the idea of them knowing the truth. He sighed in frustration and folded his arms in front of his chest, now trying to decide whether to chop off the beast's fingers or not. That too would most likely raise unwanted question, so he scrapped the idea and tried to come up with something else. Smiling, he repeatedly tapped his chin with a finger while he put his inimitable mind to work in finding something that would make him feel better and piss Shizuo off, but not enough for the beast to lose himself to that accursed rage of his.

An idea popped into his head and he made a small cut on the beast's hand, all the while smiling like a madman. He dipped the blade into the crimson liquid, grabbed the beast's head by the fake blond hair and proceeded to write the word _monster_ in blood onto Shizuo's forehead, carefully placing the characters that formed the word _**bakemono**_**.**

Once done, he took a look at his work of art and smiled, hating that he had to wait a bit longer for the blood to dry. Unfortunately, he was starting to get sleepy, so he released the blond locks and lay down with his back against the floor. "Idiot protozoan!" he whined and then pouted. He absolutely hated that he couldn't go lie in his comfortable bed, but on the bright side, he was now certain that Shizuo was being suffocated by guilt, and that made him chuckle darkly. People usually expressed their deepest desires while being drunk, and if Shizuo's deepest desire was to be forgiven instead of wanting to break him, then Izaya had nothing to fear anymore. "Shizu-chan, you're such a pathetic monster," he told his nemesis, looking forward to when Shizuo would wake up so that he could further enjoy the man's tormented expression. After a while, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, for once not at all worried that Shizuo would hurt him.


	34. Eye Of The Storm

**Chapter 34: Eye Of The Storm**

.

It was still early in the morning when Shizuo started shifting in his sleep, the strong light hitting his face making him scowl. He felt the splitting headache long before he was fully awake, and even though he wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep, his eyes unwillingly fluttered open. He groaned and shifted some more, only realizing that he was holding onto something when he felt warm skin beneath his fingers. His brows furrowed in confusion and he slanted his head to see what it was, his eyes widening in shock at the sight of an unconscious Izaya lying on the floor. His face turned as white as a sheet and he withdrew his hand from around the frail ankle before he pushed himself away from the unmoving form as though he'd been burned, a suffocating feeling of self-loathing almost leaving him breathless. He barely restrained himself from screaming in despair, the thought that he had once again assaulted Izaya making him want to run to the nearest window and take a headfirst dive into concrete. He reluctantly allowed his eyes to roam over the skinny form so that he could assess the damage, expecting to find some evidence of the atrocity he had once again committed, but, to his surprise, nothing looked out of place. Izaya's clothes weren't torn as he'd expected, nor was he lying in a pool of his own blood, and after taking a brief look at himself, Shizuo realized that he too was very much dressed. Judging by what he was seeing, nothing happened between them, so he raised a hand to his chest and breathed in relief, a great weight having been lifted off his shoulders.

His eyes left Izaya's form and he took a look at his surroundings, only now realizing that he was most likely inside the man's apartment in Shinjuku instead of his own in Ikebukuro. The last thing he remembered was drinking at the bar, so he had no idea how he ended up sprawled on the floor with Izaya sleeping next to him. His eyes drifted back to the man he had once tried to destroy, the peaceful expression on the flea's face making him wonder how someone like that could be so vicious when awake. Izaya's words from the previous day came to mind, and he realized that it was truly ironic that what it took for the two of them to be able to stand in the same room without activily trying to kill each other was for Izaya to almost die by his hands. Back then, in the alley he never wanted to lay eyes upon again, it felt as though nothing he could do to the flea would ever be enough to sate his thirst for revenge, and had he been in his right mind, he would've realized that leaving him there to die was not something that he could ever forgive himself for. The humane thing would've been to at least call an ambulance after seeing so much blood underneath Izaya's broken form, but he hadn't, because Heiwajima Shizuo was not human; he was Ikebukuro's beast, nothing else.

He saw Izaya shift and he held his breath, expecting the man to freak out and perhaps try to stab him with his switchblade. Brownish-red eyes opened wide, and Izaya stared at him in fear for only a moment before a smirk spread across his face and he started laughing. Shizuo instinctively tried to put some distance between them, but he stopped in his tracks when he heard Izaya's cheerful, yet tinted with malice, voice.

"Ah, ah, don't run, Shizu-chan, not after we've spent such a wonderful night together," said Izaya in an amused tone before he proceeded to get up. He slipped the switchblade into the pocket of his pajamas and watched Shizuo's dilemma on whether to turn around or run away, the protozoan's indecision almost making him laugh. He'd been a bit surprised when he woke up, perhaps even fearful, as much as he hated to admit, but the second he remembered the events of the previous night, he instantly relaxed, even though he was in the presence of the beast.

Shizuo reluctantly turned around, Izaya's terrifying smirk a tell-tale of the hell he had yet to pay for his transgressions. "Look, I'm sorry, ok?"

"Oh, but it's fine, Shizu-chan, because your confession was most entertaining." He expected the brute to feel embarrassed, so he was more than a little surprised when Shizuo's expression morphed into one of confusion. For a few moments, he couldn't help but look at him in disbelief. "Don't tell me you―"

"I really don't remember, I swear!" he hurried to answer, because **that** was the undeniable truth. Whatever he'd done or said to the flea, he couldn't recall.

"Tch! If I knew you wouldn't remember, I would've played with you some more," Izaya said and folded his arms in front of his chest in a display or pure annoyance. "Why aren't you more predictable?"

Shizuo shrugged and cracked a smile, glad to see that Izaya was in a rather good mood for once. He awkwardly scratched the back of his head and nervously laughed. "What exactly did I say?" He immediately regretted opening his mouth, the flea's sadistic smirk telling him that it was best not to know.

Izaya unfolded his arms, lowering one while keeping his right hand above the heart. "Shizu-chan confessed his undying love for me," he said in what almost sounded like a serious tone, and then struggled to not burst into laughter when a myriad of expressions passed the protozoan's face.

Shizuo violently shook his head and backed away until he hit the wall, refusing to believe such a thing.

"Now, now, Shizu-chan, don't be shy. In fact, it would've been adorable," he said and approached the man until he was standing right in front of him, "if not for the fact that you almost fucked me to death."

"I'm sor―" he started saying, but the rest of the words got caught in his throat when Izaya grabbed a fistful of blonde hair, the man's expression turning wild in the span of only a fraction of a second.

"Shizu-chan," said Izaya as he forced a smile on his face, "let's not get into that right now." He released the fake blonde hair and backed away just a bit, immediately raising his arm and pointing towards the upper level of his apartment. "You reek of alcohol, so could you please go brush your teeth? I really can't stand the smell."

Shizuo was too stunned to answer, so he forced his legs to move towards the stairs. Something in the back of his head shouted in protest at allowing the flea to boss him around, but he ignored the annoying voice and kept going, Izaya following closely behind him to most likely make sure that he wouldn't accidentally end up in his room.

"There's a new toothbrush inside the cabinet, so use that one," he said after he opened the door to the bathroom and invited his 'guest' inside.

Shizuo nodded and watched Izaya walk out and close the door behind him, leaving him alone in the expensive-looking bathroom. He hurried to the toilet and raised the seat, the need to relieve himself taking precedent over everything else. He sighed as he emptied his bladder, glad to get rid of the too much alcohol he drank the night before. It felt like forever before it finally stopped, and once he was done he zipped up his pants and walked to the sink, the splitting headache making him groan. He turned the faucet on and put his hands under the stream, the cold water sending a shiver down his spine the moment it made contact with his skin. He was about to wash his face when he caught a glimpse in the mirror of something red beneath his fringe. He stared in confusion for a moment and grabbed the sink with his right hand while he raised his left one and slowly moved the strands of hair aside, a surprised gasp slipping past his lips when he saw the word written on his forehead. A feeling of dread engulfed him, thinking that the flea had truly carved the word into his forehead, his hand automatically tightening around the edge of the sink until the thing crumbled in his hands as though it was nothing. He moved closer to the mirror to inspect the damage, his stomach roiling with sickening intensity, only to breath in relief when he realized that **_bakemono_** was written in blood instead of being carved into his forehead. He backed away from the mirror and allowed his body to slump on the edge of the bathtub, a broken laugh spilling past his lips. He wouldn't have felt a damn thing in his drunken state, so Izaya could've done it had he wanted, but the man didn't, and Shizuo felt as though he had dodged a bullet. At least he had an explanation for the cut on his hand, which he had gladly chose to ignore the moment he noticed it after waking up. It wasn't that uncommon for him to find cuts and scratches on his body and to not remember how he got them, so a small cut was nothing to him.

It was too early in the morning to deal with the flea, so he reached into the pockets of his jacket to pull out the lighter and the cigarette pack, panicking a little and then sighing in relief when he found them inside the right pocket of his pants. He always got irritated when he couldn't smoke, and he needed to be as calm as possible during the discussion he would surely have with the flea. He took his time smoking the cigarette, and then the next one, struggling to remember what happened the night before. He kept coming up blank no matter how hard he tried, and by the time he was ready to face Izaya, he'd already smoked four. Reluctantly, he got up, washed the characters written in blood on his forehead, and then opened the door, nervousness washing over him in waves. He knew that Izaya would most likely want to brutally murder him for destroying his sink, but he hoped that his suggestion would somehow placate the man. As he walked downstairs, he marveled at the size and the look of the apartment, everything in it screaming _Orihara Izaya._ "Shizu-chan, what took you so long?" he heard the flea chirp from where he was sitting on the couch, the smell of french toast entering his nostrils and almost making him drool. His eyes zero-ed in on the plate placed on the coffee table, and he barely restrained himself from going there and grabbing one of those heavenly slices of french toast. He shook his head and turned his attention back to Izaya, the man's smirk as annoying as ever. "Good one," he said as he pointed to his forehead.

"You should be grateful I didn't go through with it, unlike you," Izaya said, immediately noticing the mortified expression on the beast's face. "Ah, but what's done is done. Come, sit down." He saw Shizuo eyeing the door and he sighed loudly, the brute's head immediately snapping in his direction. "I never took you for a coward. Are you so afraid of facing me that'd you'd rather run away instead of talking to me?"

"You're right. I owe you at least this much." It was true that he would've preferred to run away instead, because that would've been easier than to face what he had done, but he chose to stay nonetheless. He forced his feet to take a step, and then another, until he reached the couch and he sat down. Luckily, the flea had two couches, so Shizuo awkwardly sat down on the other one. Izaya was eerily quiet, and watching the man now dressed in his usual clothes, coat aside, made him feel uncomfortable, so he chose to instead look at the french toast.

"Help yourself," Izaya said in an amused tone, almost finding it hard to believe that the shy creature before him was the same vicious monster from back then. Shizuo eyed him suspiciously, and Izaya couldn't stop himself from laughing out loud when he guessed the protozoan's thoughts. "Oh please, if I wanted you dead, I would've ripped out your still beating heart the moment I was able to walk again." As expected, Shizuo cringed, but that hadn't been his intention this time around. "Eat," he repeated, and then watched as Ikebukuro's beast took a bite out of the food that his most hated enemy made with his own two hands. The idiot's eyes immediately lit up, the image reminding him of human child he once saw, the little boy happily stuffing his face with candy, oblivious to the cruel world around him. Shizuo was also a big fan of disgustingly sweet things, and Izaya almost cringed at the memory of that too sweet bun that Kasuka so graciously bought for him. Unwillingly, he snorted out loud, causing Shizuo to stop mid-way as he was about to grab another piece of french toast. "It has nothing to do with you... just something I remembered," he said and dismissively waved a hand before folding his arms in front of his chest.

Shizuo watched him for a few moments and then picked up another slice, hunger winning over common sense. His eyes fell on the french toast in his hand and he stared, the question leaving his mouth before he even realized that he'd asked it. "Why are you so good to me?"

Izaya's smirk fell and he snorted. "Don't flatter yourself. I treat all of my guests with respect, whether they deserve it or not."

"Does that help?" Shizuo asked, his mouth full after having just taken another bite from the slice of french toast in his hand.

"Of course it does. You should try it sometimes."

"No thanks," said Shizuo, scowling. "Sneaky shit like that isn't my style."

"So being respectful is not your style?" Izaya asked, barely restraining himself for rolling his eyes. "Don't you know the saying, 'You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar'"?

"I caught you just fine without―" He never got to finish though, the realization of what he was about to say making the blood freeze in his veins. Slowly, he lowered his head, feeling completely ashamed for his thoughtless comment. He was about to apologize when he heard Izaya scoff, and he turned his head towards him, immediately noticing the stiff posture and the way the Informant kept his legs tightly closed, the image further driving the metaphorical knife into his already bleeding heart.

"You got lucky. That's what happened. I landed headfirst into concrete after being sent flying by the vending machine you threw at me. Unlike you, normal people don't just walk away from something like that. We can **break** when monsters like you try their hardest to kill us."

"Wait, so are you're telling me that you were badly hurt before the chase even started?" Shizuo asked in disbelief.

Izaya nodded and unfolded his arms before placing them on his knees and leaning forward a bit. "You would've never caught me otherwise." Despite trying to look smug, his voice was dripping spite, and he hoped that Shizuo would not notice, because he was sick and tired of showing weakness in front of his mortal enemy.

"Oh..." he exclaimed softly as he put down half a slice of french toast, the newly provided information making him completely lose his appetite. "I'm sorry..."

**"I don't need your apologies,"** Izaya ground out the words and forced himself to grab his own arms so that he could not reach for the switchblade he kept inside the pocket of his pants. "I wanted you to shed tears of blood, but in a moment of weakness, I chose to spare Kasuka of the pain you put me through, and because of that, I will never get my perfect revenge."

Shizuo's gaze drifted from the plate to Izaya's face, and he recognized the feeling that Izaya was most likely drowning into as he glared daggers at him. "Rage," he told him as he looked him in the eyes.

"What?" Izaya asked, nails painfully digging into his arms.

"That feeling you're experiencing right now, it's _rage._ Now multiply that by about a hundred times and you'll get an idea of how I feel most of the time. It's not that I want to hurt people or throw things around, it's more like I can't **not** do it."

Izaya scoffed once again as he glared at the beast sitting not that far from his person, a roil of cold fury blazing out of his eyes. "That's a pathetic excuse, Shizu-chan. Now you're going to tell me that you didn't really want to fuck me to death?"

"No, because that would only be half of the truth." His mind went back to that night, and as much as he hated to remember, he tried to recall his feelings so that he could better explain them to Izaya. "I was trapped somewhere between mindless rage and awareness, and when I realized what I was temped to do, I tried to give you a way out. That laugh of yours drove me insane," he said through gritted teeth, the sound echoing through his head even as he spoke. I just wanted you to **shut up**.**"** He ran a shaky hand through his hair and closed his eyes, struggling to chase away those awful feelings that belonged to that part of him who had enjoyed Izaya's pain. "If only you had fucking**apologized...****"**

Izaya heard the resentment in the beast's voice and he dug his nails deeper into his own flesh, feeling more pissed off than he had felt in a very long time. "You **idiot,** don't you think that I would've said those words if only I knew what you were thinking of doing?"

A spiteful laugh spilled past Shizuo's lips, and he glared at Izaya as though he wanted to drive his fist through the idiot's skull. "No, I don't think you would've, because you'd never apologize to someone you see as being less than human."

Orihara Izaya wasn't one to get into fistfights, but he was tempted to get up and punch the idiot in the face. "Are you still blaming me for what happened?"

"No," Shizuo rushed to answer, surprised that Izaya would still think that, "but I was too far gone to stop, and the part of me that was still human was desperately clinging to the hope that you would apologize so that I could let you go. Now I know how stupid it was of me to demand the impossible."

"It wounds me to hear that you have such a low opinion of me. Ah, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have meant it, but how terrible can a few empty words be when compared to the agony of having your worst enemy shove his dick up your ass?" He shrugged then, some sort of morbid amusement making him smile. "I'm not that versed in the art of gay sex, but even I know that going in dry is simply idiotic. Tell me, is this how you treat all your male partners?"

"I d-don't... I've never... done it with... with g-guys before," Shizuo stuttered, his face turning red.

"Relax, Shizu-chan, I was merely joking. I know that you're not into guys. If I didn't even know this much, I would be too ashamed to call myself an Informant."

Shizuo opened his mouth and closed it a few times before he found his voice. "What else do you know?" he asked so softly that Izaya had to strain his ears to hear him.

"Oh, Shizu-chan, I know all there is to know about you, now more than ever. Have you ever heard the saying, 'Know thy enemy?'" When Shizuo shook his head, Izaya continued. "An ancient Chinese General people refer to as Sun Tzu said, 'Know thy enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles, you will never be defeated. When you are ignorant of the enemy but know yourself, your chances of winning or losing are equal. If ignorant both of your enemy and of yourself, you are sure to be defeated in every battle.' So now tell me, Shizuo, how much do you know about me?"

Shizuo didn't fail to notice how Izaya had used his full name, something the man hadn't done since that night. "I know that you're a blood-sucking flea who enjoys playing with people's lives as though they are nothing." He expected the man to feel insulted and snap at him, or perhaps insult him some more, but Izaya burst into laughter, the loud sounds bouncing off the apartment's walls.

"And that's exactly why you're nothing more than a **stupid beast.** You **never** think, just like how you didn't think the day we met. Tell me, Shizu-chan, do you remember what your first words were?" he inquired once he'd stopped laughing.

**"'****I don't like him****,'"** Shizuo easily answered, the memories of that day still as fresh as they were right after it happened.

**"'****Oh? That's too bad. I think I could have some fun with you****,'"** Izaya answered with the same words from back then.

**"'****Shut up****,'"** Shizuo continued, his words echoing his own, but this time around, he didn't try to punch the man.

Izaya on the other hand got up and pulled out the switchblade, immediately noticing the beast tense at the sight of it but not exactly reacting beyond that. He flicked it open as he walked towards him, and as soon as he was in front of him, he pressed it lightly against Shizuo's chest, the man not doing anything to stop him. **"'****Don't say that, Shizuo-kun. See? This is fun, isn't it****?'"** he quoted his younger self, a smile gracing his lips at the memory of showing Heiwajima Shizuo that someone out there could take him on and walk away unscathed. "It was fun, wasn't it?"

"No, it wasn't," said Shizuo, scowling, feeling the anger rise at the mere memory of how he'd tried and failed to kill Izaya that day. "I got hit by a truck!"

Izaya pulled back the switchblade and sat back down on his couch. "Oh please, you barely got a scratch from that."

"You paid the driver for hitting me! That's fucked up no matter how you look at it," Shizuo snapped, nails digging into his palms from how hard he was trying to not throw the couch Izaya was sitting on out the window, preferably while the pest was still sitting on it. "Stop laughing!"

"Come on, even you have to admit that was a brilliant move."

Shizuo almost face-palmed. "For a sociopath... yeah, it was."

Izaya's actually looked hurt for a moment, but he quickly put on one of his well-practiced masks before the beast even noticed how offended he felt by the remark. "No, Shizu-chan, you can't push the blame on me for this one, because it was you who attacked me first." Even if you didn't like me, you should've tried to act like less of an asshole when our common friend tried to introduce me to you. **'****This is Orihara Izaya from my middle school. Well, he's not that good a person, maybe I should say he's a horrible person. No, I didn't mean it in a bad way****,'"** said Izaya, quoting Shinra's exact words. "Really, Shizu-chan, can you blame me for wanting to mess with you after you tried to kill me for no reason at all?" His words seemed to have blocked the protozoan, because Shizuo seemed to angrily stare into empty space.

"Look, it was that smug expression of yours. It pissed me off," Shizuo finally said when he realized that yes, he had been the one to start their feud, as much as he hated to admit.

Izaya chuckled darkly as he raised his left foot and placed it on the couch before he settled his left arm on top of his knee, the disturbing sounds stopping abruptly the moment he raised his head and stared at the beast with the same expression he had the day they met.

Shizuo actually gasped out loud, the sight taking him back to the time when he met his nemesis and the only man who could easily make a fool out of him. He couldn't deny that he wanted to punch that smug smile off the pest's face, but things were no longer the same, and the man before him was no longer the teenager who used to fearlessly stare at him. No matter how hard Izaya tried to hide it, Shizuo still felt the fear, a natural predator such as himself easily spotting those who were weaker than him. "You damn flea, I'm not going to punch you."

Izaya's expression turned smugger than it already was. "I know." Smirking, he lowered his leg and casually leaned on the couch, allowing his head to fall backwards.

"I'm never going to hurt you again," Shizuo continued, even though he knew that it was of little consolation to the man he'd almost killed. "I promise."

Izaya snorted but otherwise kept quiet, staring at the ceiling of his apartment while Shizuo struggled with the guilt he surely felt.

"Hey, I've never told you this before, but thank you."

Slanting his head to see the brute, Izaya quirked an eyebrow.

"Thank you for saving Kasuka."

Izaya's body turned rigid, and he couldn't help but hiss the next words leaving his mouth. "I shouldn't have saved that emotionless freak."

"Kasuka is not emotionless," Shizuo hurried to correct him, not liking it when others got the wrong impression.

"He is. He told me so," he said as he glared at the man he hated the most in the entire world.

A sad smile appeared on Shizuo's face, his mind going back to all those time when Kasuka showed real emotions. "That's what he honestly thinks, but it's not true. If he was emotionless, he wouldn't care about me at all, so thank you, really. Thank you for not condemning him to the hell I put you through," he told Izaya as he looked him straight in the eyes, hoping to make him understand the gratitude he felt for what he'd done.

Izaya kept his mouth shut, trying to process the information he'd just received. Originally, he had assumed that Kasuka was pretending, but he never went as far as to think that Shizuo's little brother was so used to faking his lack of emotions to the point that he would no longer remember that he was doing it. If that was the case, then the freak was not really a freak, and he almost lamented the loss, because if Kasuka wasn't one, then he was one of his humans, which meant that he would have to love him just as he loved everyone else.

"You said you wouldn't get him involved again. Is that true?" Shizuo asked hesitantly, almost too afraid to hear the answer.

Izaya waved a hand, almost too bored to even answer such a useless questions after finding out some very important information. "As I've said, I'm no longer interested in him." _At least not in the same way as I've been until now,_ he thought, now curious to find out if Kasuka truly was one of his humans.

It looked like Izaya was deep in thought, so after a minute or two of silence, Shizuo got up. "Thanks for the food. It was great." That seemed to snap Izaya from wherever his mind had been wondering, because he got up as well, that annoying smirk back on his face.

"I'm surprised that a beast such as yourself was able to appreciate my french toast."

Shizuo grunted and fished out his lighter and the cigarette pack. "I have to go to work."

"I'm not holding you prisoner," Izaya said and then laughed when Shizuo scowled at him. "If possible, could you not come here again in a drunken state? Sleeping on the floor is not good for my back, if you know what I mean." As expected, Shizuo looked like a kicked puppy, and he couldn't help but enjoy the sight, because a beast suffocated by guilt was far more amusing than one without a conscience. "Bye~!" he told him, and then watched Shizuo until the brute disappeared inside the elevator.

Now that his nemesis was gone, he rushed upstairs to his bedroom and threw himself onto the bed, stretching and yawning at the same time. He stayed like that for a few minutes, enjoying the soft feel of the mattress against his stiff back, until he got up and started to jump up and down on the bed. "Shizu-chan, I hate you so much. I hate you! I hate you! **I hate you!** I HATE YOU! **I HATE YOU!"**

He then spread his arms and closed his eyes as he kept jumping, seeing the blue sky with his mind's eyes.

"...but your unbeastly guilt is so amusing, that I can't stop myself from wishing to utterly...

BREAK YOU! **"**


	35. One Rainy Day

**Chapter 35: One Rainy Day**

.

After Shizuo's unexpected visit, and their somewhat civilized conversation the next day, Izaya felt the need to stay away from the man for a while. It wasn't that he was actively trying to avoid him, but work had been piling up for a while and he wanted to catch up, not to mention that he was tired of hearing Namie complain how he was such a useless human being and that he should go off himself instead of wasting oxygen. He hated to admit, but the woman never ceased to amuse him. Smirking, he glanced in her direction, waiting for her to feel his stare and to snap at him like she always did.

"What now?" she asked, sounding tired more than anything else.

Izaya's smirk widened, the sadistic gleam in his eyes a clear sign that he was enjoying her apathy. "I was wondering if Namie-san could go make me a cup of coffee." He expected her to tell him to jump out the window of his own apartment, or to at least protest, but instead of being predictable, she sighed loudly, got up, and went into the kitchen. He simply stared at her retreating back until she disappeared from sight, his eyes narrowing in confusion while he kept trying to figure out why she would be in such low spirits. Reclining in his desk chair, he slowly started to swivel in it, deciding that the curious case of Yagiri Namie needed further investigation. Before her day off, she had been her usual annoying self, but ever since she came to work in the morning, something seemed off about her. "Ah!" he exclaimed out loud and swished in his chair from side to side, anxiously waiting for her to come back so that he could tease her. His eyes were most likely glowing with malevolent intent, but when it came to Namie, he didn't care whether or not she knew how much he was enjoying himself whenever he figured something out and he would feel the burning need to embarrass her.

As his eyes drifted to the screen of his laptop, he saw that he had a new email. He didn't always check them right away, but since Namie was still in the kitchen, he decided to quickly see what it was about. The job seemed boring, but it still caught his interest when he saw that the man he was supposed to find was most likely in Ikebukuro. He could easily send one of his employees to find Saito Kaito―and he almost burst into laughter when he read the name―but the thought of running into Shizuo made him want to go there himself. Just thinking about the beast got his blood boiling, and it was about time he demanded compensation for the damages. He quickly looked up information on the man he was supposed to find, which was not that hard to find considering how people put their whole lives online without regard to their own safety, and then typed on his phone the address where he was most likely hiding. Happy that he had everything he needed, he grabbed his keys and got up.

"Here's your coffee," Namie said just as she set the steaming cup on his desk.

"I'm sorry, Namie-san, but you see, I have to go work right now, and as much as I'd love to cheer you up after you got dumped by your brother, **again,** I have no choice but to leave." His face almost split into two when she threw him the nastiest glare she could muster, and he didn't even bother to suppress his malicious chuckle when she nearly stomped back to her desk. "Oh, you can have the coffee if you wish."

She folded her arms in front of her chest and looked at the coffee cup with disgust before she shot him a glare. "Shove it!"

This time Izaya burst into laughter. "If I don't come back by the time you finish your work, go home."

"I don't need you to tell me that!"

Izaya simply shrugged and headed for the door, not before glaring at the fur-trimmed jacket he had no choice but to wear. He inwardly cursed Shizuo for ruining his favorite coat as he stepped outside into the cold weather, the murky sky a clear sign that it was going to rain. "Stupid Shizu-chan," he mumbled under his breath and headed for the train station. Normally, he would pay attention to the humans around him, but what used to be a pleasurable activity seemed more of a chore ever since his world got turned upside down by Ikebukuro's beast. How could he watch them from above after being crushed into the ground? Shizuo made him feel small, and he **loathed** him for it, because Orihara Izaya was meant to be a god. Fingers tightening around the switchblades he kept inside his pockets, he stepped into the train and sat down, not even noticing the disturbing smirk of a certain passenger sitting further in the back. His eyes drifted to the window and he gazed at the outside world for a while, so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't even sense someone approaching until he felt a hand on his shoulder. His head snapped in that direction and his eyes darkened, already starting to regret taking on the job, his knuckled turning white from how hard he was gripping the switchblades.

"Orihara-san, long time no see," Aoba said and sat down next to him. "There were rumors about you being dead, but I knew they weren't true."

"Good for you," was Izaya's curt reply before he turned his attention back to the outside world, small droplets of rain already starting to hit the window. He was not in the mood to entertain a kid who hated humans, and if he was lucky enough, his sisters' friend would get the message. Unfortunately for him, that didn't seem to be the case.

"Orihara-san, do you remember what you told me when we first met?"

Slowly, Izaya turned his head with a look of complete boredom on his face. "Oh, so we've met before?"

"I may not be someone important, but I believe that I am memorable enough for you to at least remember who I am."

"It was worth a try," Izaya said, not even bothering to hide his annoyance at having ran into him.

Aoba felt his eye twitch, and as much as he hated to admit, he did feel a bit humiliated at the way in which Izaya was looking at him as though he was an insect he could step on whenever he so wished. "'You have to love humans more. That way maybe one day you'll be able to meet someone whom you would be dying to be used by. I haven't met such a person yet, but since I'm in love with all humankind, I believe I can survive on my masochist's pleasure alone even if I'm used.' That's what you said."

"Fine, I remember," Izaya admitted and sighed out loud, hoping that the kid would disappear from his sight, but Aoba's smile only grew wider, darker, as though he knew something that Izaya himself didn't. His eyes narrowed into slits and he glared at him, fighting off the desire to flick open his switchblade and plunge it into Aoba's little, black heart. "Is there a point to all of this?" he finally asked with a smile on his face after putting one of his more cheerful masks on.

"Why did you stop loving humans?"

Izaya felt as though he'd been viciously hit in the chest, and he could only hope that his shock didn't show on his face. He still loved humans, and he would never stop loving them no matter what, but he had a lot of things on his mind, and he couldn't call himself a god as long as he was still haunted by vicious thrusts, cold hands and the beast's grunts of pleasure that somehow hurt him more than he ever wanted to admit. Ever so slowly, the corners of his lips moved upwards into a disturbing smile, and he knew that Aoba was starting to sense the danger he was in when he saw him infinitesimally back away. "How could I not love humanity when it's so fascinating? Ah, but someone like you who hates humans will never understand."

Aoba stayed quiet for a few moments, studying Izaya. "Someone who claims to love humans sure was busy ignoring everyone around him," he said, and then he almost jumped in surprise when Izaya started laughing.

"Us adults have jobs to do, so what does a child like you know?" Izaya asked once he stopped laughing, hoping that Ran's little brother felt insulted enough to simply fuck off.

Aoba continued though, expecting to see some cracks in the man's normally flawless facade. "Or is it that you've found that someone whom you're dying to be used by, and you're so distracted that you no longer notice the humans that you claim to love so much?" At this point, he expected to at least get a nasty glare from the Informant, so when Izaya's smirk got even more disturbing, he began to question his own assumptions.

"I see what this is," Izaya said and hooked an arm around the other's neck as he leaned towards him until his lips were almost touching a cold ear. "Are you dying to be used by me? Is that why you're practically stalking me? I'm sorry, but I don't fuck **boys****,"** he whispered in the most disgusted tone he could muster before he got up and headed for the doors, not before waving his hand and saying good bye to an extremely shocked Kuronuma Aoba, hoping to have embarrassed him so much that he would never be tempted to bother him again. Judging by the stricken expression on his face, the plan was a complete success.

He didn't leave right away, no, he waited outside on the platform, all the while staring at Aoba through the window, until the train started moving again and he could no longer see his face. Only then did he finally allow his smirk to drop, and he turned around and rushed to a nearby staircase that people didn't normally use, the nauseating feeling leaving him weak at the knees. What did Aoba knew about being used? _**Nothing!**_ What did Aoba knew about being used by someone for that person's own sick pleasure? _**NOTHING!**_ he screamed inside his head just as his body slid down the wall the moment he reached the stairs. He was shivering so badly that he could hear his own teeth chattering, and he looked around, wanting to make sure that no one would see him as he grabbed his arms and made himself smaller, his body hunched so badly that it looked as though he was in agony. His anguish wasn't physical though, at least not anymore, but he could still feel and remember the beast's marks on his body as though they were as fresh as they had been back then, his scarred mind incapable of forgetting them. He stayed like that for a while, eyes scrunched up as he fought to chase away the memories of just how exactly Shizuo had _used_ him. He despised Aoba for reducing him to a pathetic, shaking mess with just a few words, and he vowed to find a way to one day destroy him. He thought he was doing a good job at hiding how broken he was on the inside, but Ran's brother read him like an open book, and despite the disdain he felt for the teenager, he couldn't help but applaud him for his feat.

He was far from being completely defeated though, and despite how faint he was feeling, he got up and started walking away, refusing to succumb to the pain, the terror and all the other things that made him want to crawl into a dark, deep hole where no one could find him. Small shivers still shook his body, but he put on a cocky smile and tried to pay attention to the humans around him as they kept trying to hide from the rain. Even after being left to die in that cold alley, he still loved the feeling of the rain on his skin, and knowing that Shizuo hated it made him love it even more. He softly sighed when he realized that his mind had been wandering again, but luckily he was near the place where he assumed that Kaito was hiding, so he shook his head and focused on the task at hand. It was hard to believe how the person from whom Kaito stole an important USB Flash Drive, which was needed to access an account, hadn't been able to find out about the man's step brother, but that suited him just fine, because the more jobs he finished, the more his reputation would grow. His smile grew as he went around the corner, not expecting to literally run into the beast. A shudder ran down his spine when he realized into whom he'd just bumped, but he immediately composed himself and smirked as he backed away. "Shizu-chan, Tanaka-san, fancy seeing you here."

Tom had expected Izaya to immediately bolt away, and Shizuo to uproot the nearest stop sign and to chase after him, but against his expectations, both of them kept their ground. "Orihara-san, I'm glad to see you're alive and well," he said after a few moments of awkward silence, the two arch enemies staring at one another with expressions that he'd never seen on their faces before.

Izaya slowly turned his head towards him, and even though he was smiling, he hoped that Shizuo's boss could see the disdain in his eyes. "Are you now?"

Tom was taken aback for a second. "Why would you think otherwise?"

"Oh, I don't know... it might have something to do with you giving my business card to Shizu-chan."

"He only gave me the card after I promised that I would only talk to you, I swear," Shizuo said, taking both of them by surprise with his sudden intervention.

Izaya chuckled and then shrugged. "It's fine, it's fine! Shizu-chan only broke my sink this time around." Tom cringed, probably feeling guilty, and Shizuo looked as though he had forgotten that he broke it in the first place, but Izaya couldn't really hold it against him, not when he knew that his protozoic brain was not capable of retaining too much information.

Knowing that his friend wanted to be anywhere but there, Shizuo pulled out his wallet and handed him a few bills. "Could you please go buy a pack of cigarettes? I'm out." He watched Tom walk away before he turned his attention back to Izaya. "I'm sorry about the sink, it slipped my mind. I'm going to pay for it, I promise."

Smirking, Izaya pulled out his phone, typed something, and sent the message to Shizuo. "That sink was worth three times your monthly salary. I expect the money to be sent to this account." He saw Shizuo pale at the news, and he couldn't stop the malicious smile when he saw the man's distress. "Let me guess, you won't have any money left to buy your precious milk and sweets?"

"N-No, it's fine. I'll pay," Shizuo said reluctantly before he slipped the phone back into the pocket of his jacket and moved closer to the wall as he sought shelter from the rain. His eyes drifted to his nemesis, and he couldn't help but voice out his surprise. "You cut your hair."

"How observant of you," said Izaya in a mocking tone, "and while we're at it, I'm also wearing a jacket, because a stupid beast dirtied my precious coat."

Sighing out loud, Shizuo scrubbed a hand over his face. "I'm sorry. Tell me where you got it from and I'll buy you a new one."

"Don't you think that if I could find that particular design I would've bought another one by now?" he asked through gritted teeth, barely stopping himself from stomping his foot on the wet pavement like a spoiled brat. "It was a **limited** edition! **Limited!****"** Besides, why would I wear something **you** bought?"

"Good point."

"Tch!"

Shizuo nervously bit his lower lip. "You're not going to tell him, are you?"

"Everyone deserves to know what kind of monster you are, but rest assured, I won't say a word, because it'd probably hurt me more than it would hurt you. I don't think anyone would be surprised to hear what you are capable of, but my reputation would go down the drain if people found out that Ikebukuro's beast dragged me into an alley and fucked me raw."

"Do you really have to be so... so―"

"Blunt? Yes." Feeling thoroughly pissed, he turned his head so that he could no longer see Shizuo, the man's face making him want to shove his switchblade into that idiotic brain of his. "I have to go, there's work for me to do in Ikebukuro." He heard Shizuo growl and he sneered in response. "If you don't like it, then try to stop me." When Shizuo didn't do anything, he turned his head and looked straight into his eyes, a challenging smirk adorning his face. "That's what I thought," he said, and as he started walking away, he realized that Shizuo being there couldn't have been a coincidence.

His hands tightened around the switchblades and he increased his speed, knowing that he had to get to Kaito before the debt collectors paid the man a visit. As soon as he went around a corner, he started running towards the man's apartment building, cursing the brute and his boss for interfering with his job. Once inside, he went up the stairs, two at a time, and then rang the doorbell as soon as he found himself in front of the man's apartment. "Saito-san, open up! Saito-san, the debt collectors are coming for you. Your brother sent me to get you to safety, please come with me." At the mention of his brother, the man opened the door, and Izaya almost laughed when he saw his look of mixed worry and disbelief. Some humans were stupid enough to believe him right away, but the one before him seemed skeptical.

"How do you know about the debt collectors?" Saito asked as he nervously grabbed his sweatshirt.

"They're on their way here, we don't have time to talk. Please come with me!"

"What's my brother's name?"

"Ryuunosuke. I assure you, he's the one who sent me," Izaya said and sighed out loud. "Ok, fine, if you don't want to come with me, then feel free to stay here and wait for Heiwajima Shizuo to show up and break your limbs one by one until you give him the money you owe his boss." As soon as he heard Shizuo's name, Kaito ran inside the apartment to put on a jacket and to most likely get the USB Flash Drive that Izaya was supposed to recover. The Informant smirked when the man reappeared a few moments later, slipping something inside the right pocket of his jacket as he walked out of the apartment. It surprised Izaya how someone as dumb as Saito Kaito could steal something so valuable, but he guessed that some people were just lucky like that. As soon as the man closed the door, they rushed down the stairs and dashed out of the apartment building at the same time that Tom and Shizuo were crossing the street.

"IIIIZAAAAYAAAAA!" Shizuo roared the moment he figured out what was happening, the flea's jaunty wave sending him into a murderous frenzy. He was not so far gone as to not remember that he was not supposed to hurt him, but at the same time they had to catch Saito, so they had no choice but to go after them. He also didn't want Izaya to hurt Tom, so he turned towards his friend and made a suggestion. "Get Saito, I'll get Izaya." Tom nodded and the chase began, the insect's annoying laughter grating on his nerves.

"It's been a while," Izaya said loud enough for the beast to hear him. He expected Shizuo to insult him, or to throw something at him, but the man kept quiet. He chanced a glance backwards, but he instantly regretted it, a wave of terrifying images violently crashing into his mind. His steps faltered for a moment, but he pulled himself together and slowed down his pace instead of dashing forward, knowing that Saito couldn't otherwise keep up with him if he went ahead at full speed. Luckily, Shizuo was also running slower because of Tom, and Izaya couldn't help but laugh at the hilarity of the situation. He turned his head and eyed the pocket where the USB Flash Drive was located, trying to find a way to get his hands on it without Saito noticing. "I know a place where we can hide at, but you're going to have to run faster," he told the other man right before he went around a corner, Saito barely having time to adjust his direction.

"I can't go any faster!" Kaito whined.

"Then you might as well give up now. I'm sure Ikebukuro's beast will enjoy breaking every bone in your body." His words had the desired effect, because the man increased his speed as though his life depended on it. Izaya chuckled darkly and started sprinting through alleyways and side-streets with Kaito in tow, glancing back once in a while to see if he'd lost Shizuo. "Wait here while I distract them," he said just as he grabbed Kaito's arm and pulled him behind a store, at the same time using the opportunity to retrieve the USB Flash Drive. "I'll be back soon." He waited until the man nodded before he slipped through the narrow space between the store and the wall, not caring any longer if they found Kaito or not. He was not done playing with the beast though, so he went back the same way, Shizuo making it easier for him when he roared out his name for the whole world to hear. He spotted the beast not that far from where he'd stopped, and even though his limbs were trembling with fine tremors, he still went ahead and revealed himself to the monster.

"Shizu-chan, if you catch me, I'll tell you where I stashed him," he chirped and started running in the opposite direction, Shizuo immediately following after him. As expected, Tom stayed behind to look for Kaito, and that suited Izaya just fine, because he didn't want any interruption. Now, more than ever, he was curious to see what his archenemy would do if he caught him again, and even though he was terrified at the prospect of Shizuo losing himself to his anger, he still needed to know if the beast could keep his promise. He was obviously playing with fire, but he didn't want to think about that as he dashed through the streets, Ikebukuro's beast hot on his heels. With Saito and Tom out of the way, both of them could run at full speed, and, surprisingly enough, Izaya was starting to enjoy the chase despite the nauseating feeling burning through the pit of his stomach. Even the water splashing beneath his feet each time he stepped into a puddle sent his mind back to that evening, but this time around he was not injured, and even though he was thinner and slightly weaker than before, Shizuo still couldn't catch him no matter how hard he was trying. Had he been less of a coward, he would've led Shizuo to the place where the man had caught him back then, but he doubted that he could go anywhere near it without breaking down, so instead he lured him into an alley from where he could scream for help and get it in case he found himself in a bad situation. He shivered when a gust of wind hit his cold, wet face as he sprinted through the narrow space, Shizuo so close behind him that he could almost feel the man's breath on his neck. He wasn't even halfway through when Ikebukuro's beast grabbed the hood of his jacket and pulled him backwards, and even though he was slammed into the wall quite hard, it wasn't anywhere near as painful as it had been the first time he'd been caught. At that point, he expected Shizuo to either question him about Saito or to attack him, so he couldn't have been more surprised when the man pulled back his hands and looked at him with worry evident in his eyes.

"D-Does it s-still hurt... d-down there?" Shizuo stuttered as he backed away until he hit the opposite wall.

Izaya's face immediately turned red in embarrassment, and before he even knew what he was doing, he took a step towards Shizuo and viciously slapped him, the sound bouncing off the walls and resonating throughout the narrow space. "W-Why would you a-ask me t-t...that?!"

Shizuo raised his hand and touched the swollen skin, a feeling of shame making him lower his head to hide his burning face. "I caught you..." he said in a meek voice.

"Stupid beast, don't overestimate yourself. Even though it was our first chase in over three months, you still wouldn't have caught me had I not allowed it." As expected, Shizuo snapped his head up and glared at him, and even though Izaya wanted to punch him this time around, he shoved his hands inside the pockets of his jacket and wrapped his fingers around the two switchblades he always carried with him. "What? Did you think that you could ever catch me without having cracked open my head first? **Idiot.****"** The corners of his lips quirked upwards into a malicious smile, and as they glared at each other, he could tell that Shizuo was really mad at him. "You're angry, aren't you? You must be, so what are you going to do about it?" His malevolent smile morphed into a vicious smirk. "You're going to screw me again, hmm? You're goin―" He never got to finish though, the beast's fist flying past his head and crashing into the wall behind him, the unforeseen outburst turning his knees to jelly.

**"Shut up,"** Shizuo growled in a low, dangerous, and at the same time tired tone as he pulled back his fist. **"Just shut the fuck up."**

And with that Izaya watched the monster of his nightmares walk away, the hurt expression on Shizuo's face telling him that the beast had finally been tamed. Fine tremors shook his body, but a malicious smile still spread across his face at the thought of bringing Shizuo to a point where he would drown in guilt and self-loathing. _I'm just getting started, Shizu-chan, so don't even think about taking your own life before I'm done._


	36. No Ordinary Love

**Chapter 36: No Ordinary Love**

.

Shizuo kept cursing under his breath as he retraced his steps back to where he'd left Tom, but the man was no longer there, and as much as he wanted to smoke a cigarette and fill his lungs with some much needed nicotine, he couldn't do anything about it until he was out of the rain. Sighing out loud, he was about to pull out his phone to call Tom when he saw a furious Shinra stomping towards him, the man raising his hand to slice him with a scalpel the moment he was in range. Without hesitation, Shizuo caught his wrist and squeezed it until the instrument slipped out of Shinra's hand and hit the pavement with a loud clack. He then wrapped his right hand around the man's neck and slammed him into the nearest wall, wincing when he realized that he might've used too much force, the blood trickling down the doctor's neck and tainting the rain soaked lab coat a clear indication that he'd injured his head.

**"Where is he?"** Shinra asked through gritted teeth once he was able to see again, his vision having gone black the moment his head made contact with the wall.

"Who...? Oh, Izaya... I left him in an alley nearby," he answered, still a bit confused as to why the doctor would attack him out of nowhere.

Shinra roared and started kicking and punching Shizuo, wanting to destroy the beast even if it was the last thing he'd do. He knew that something would go wrong the moment he heard a few shop owners complaining how the peace had been shattered because Ikebukuro's beast was back to chasing Orihara Izaya, so he rushed to stop them before it was too late. Unfortunately, it didn't look like he'd made it in time. "HOW COULD YOU?" he cried out loud in despair.

Shizuo's brows furrowed in confusion, and he had to fight off the impulse to tighten his grip around the man's neck for being an asshole to him, but when he realized why Shinra was so upset, he grabbed both his wrists and pinned them to the wall. **"Calm down,** I didn't do anything to him."

"Why should I believe you?" Shinra asked, shaking in rage, but at the same time hoping that for once, Shizuo had succeeded in controlling himself.

"Look, you can call him if you don't believe me. I didn't hur―... I didn't hurt him like that!"

The dark grey eyes behind the glasses narrowed. **"How** did you hurt him then?"

Shizuo felt more exhausted than he had felt in a very long time, the constant accusations and insults wearing him down. Everyone had a limit to how much they could take, and he realized that he'd just reached his. "None of your goddam business, you bastard! Who the hell do you think you are, coming here and swinging your little knife at me in the middle of the street?" he snarled and then tightened his grip around the doctor's wrists until a few pained noises slipped past those almost pale lips. "I've beaten people within an inch of their miserable lives for a lot less."

"O-Once a m-monster, always a monster," Shinra said in-between gasps of pain.

"FUCK YOU!" Shizuo roared and captured both his wrists in one hand before he grabbed Shinra's jaw and squeezed it hard enough to bruise. "What do YOU know? You don't give a shit about anyone but Celty! You didn't even say **one** word to Izaya when he tried to get me killed, did you? Not even one..."

Shinra's expression turned malicious despite the pain. "Is t-that it? Is that w-why you're so... you're so pissed at m-me? Cause I don't give a d-damn about you? Oh, I'm s-sorry," he said in a mocking tone and tried to kick him again, something he immediately regretted when Shizuo almost pulverized his wrists with how hard he was squeezing them. This time around he did cry out in pain, and just when he thought that he would really get his wrists broken, he was peeled off the wall a shoved away roughly. He had no way to soften the sudden pull of gravity, so his left elbow took the brunt of the fall when it made contact with the pavement, a shrill leaving his lips when he felt the bone crack, the doctor in him immediately identifying it as an olecranon fracture.

"Stay the hell away from me," Shizuo sneered just before he started walking away.

"A-And you stay away f-from Izaya, you hear me? I swear that I will k-kill you in the most painful way I c-can imagine if you t-touch him again," Shinra threatened after he pushed himself off the ground despite the pain that made him want to curl into a tight ball. "Don't t-think I won't do it!"

"You do that," Shizuo said without looking back. He could hear Shinra's voice from somewhere behind him, but he kept ignoring the insults, not wanting to go back when he knew that he wouldn't be able to stop himself before breaking a few of the man's bones. If there had ever been a bridge between them, that bridge was gone, and the only thing left was a chasm which they would never be able to cross again.

Behind him, Shinra was struggling with the pain while cradling the broken arm to his chest, which made it extremely difficult for him to pull out his phone and call Izaya. No matter what Shizuo said, he couldn't trust the monster to speak the truth.

"Are you all right?" asked a woman who happened to see some of the fight. "Is there any way I can help?"

Shinra had to force himself to smile even though he only felt agonizing pain. "I'm f-fine, but could you p-please help me with m-my phone? It's in the left pocket of my pants." She was obviously not comfortable with shoving her hand into a stranger's pockets, but she did it anyway. "Thank you," he said as soon as she handed him the device, and then he turned around and walked away, tightly gripping the phone. The pain in his arm made it hard for him to even think, and if Izaya was fine, then calling him was an extremely bad idea, but he **needed** to know if he was all right. The phone only rang two times before Izaya obviously turned it off, and Shinra immediately assumed that his friend didn't want to talk to him. That side, as much as he wanted to ignore the problem, his arm was broken, and he had to take care of it whether he wanted to or not. It was not the type of injury he could fix by himself, which meant that he had no choice but to go to a hospital. A clear sound of irritation slipped past his lips, and he dialed a number to call a cab, all the while starting to regret his earlier outburst. He should've known better than to provoke Shizuo, but he'd panicked, his body going cold at the thought of having to fix an almost dying Izaya again. He'd never been worried about either of them before, not even when they used to show up at his apartment and bled all over his floor, because he always thought they would be all right, but then Shizuo had to go ahead and mess everything up. Annoyed, he lightly kicked the lamp post he was leaning against as he waited for the cab, wondering why it was taking so long for the driver to get there. He was about to call the number again when he saw the car appearing around the corner, and he pushed himself away and sighed in relief, looking forward to getting his arm taken care of so that he could move to other more important things weighing on his mind.

"To the nearest hospital," he told the driver after he struggled to pull out his wallet and handed the man a few bills. His left arm was a mass of raw agony, and his head wasn't doing that better either. He could feel warm blood trickling down the back of his neck, and he hoped that it wasn't too bad because he couldn't afford to lose his consciousness anytime soon. He didn't pay any attention to the outside world as he was driven there, and by the time he reached the hospital, he had to lean against the walls of the building to not fall down. Unfortunately, the head injury was worse than he'd expected, and the last thing he saw before he slipped into unconsciousness was a nurse rushing towards him.

When he woke up again a couple of hours later, his arm was in a cast and it looked as though the wound on the back of his head had been stitched up. He groaned and tried to get up, but he was pushed back by a doctor he knew.

"Don't even think about it."

"I have important things to take care of, so I can't waste my time lying in bed," Shinra whined and tried to push Sakamoto away.

The man gently pushed Shinra back on the bed. "I can't let you go, not after seeing the head injury. It looks bad, so you need to stay here under observation."

"Seriously, I'm **fine!** Now, could you please let go of my arm?" Shinra demanded in an irritated tone. "I'll come back tomorrow, but I really have to go right now."

Sakamoto glowered at him for a few longs moments before he sighed out loud and moved away. "Doctors are terrible patients. Just don't blame me if you end up dead in the meantime."

"I won't!" Shinra chirped and got up even though he was still feeling a little dizzy. His eyes scanned the hospital room and he realized that his clothes weren't anywhere in sight. "I can't leave like this. Where are they?"

"They?"

"My clothes! Where are they?"

The doctor sheepishly scratched the back of his head and took on an apologetic look. "I gave a little something to one of the nurses to wash them for you."

"What am I supposed to wear now?!" Shinra cried and collapsed on the bed.

"Hmm, I have a spare change of clothes. You can have those."

"Great, thanks," he said and patiently waited for Sakatamo to bring them to him.

"They aren't anything special, but they should fit you," said the doctor as he handed him the clothing articles once he came back, still reluctant about having Shinra leave the hospital after such a powerful blow to the head. "I didn't call Celty."

Shinra raised his head and smiled. "Thanks! I wouldn't want her to worry over nothing."

"It's not _nothing!_ Your arm is broken, your head got banged against something, pretty hard might I add, and what's with those bruises on your wrists, neck and face?" he asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "What the hell happened?"

"I had a run-in with an old friend," Shinra said, his smile gone and replaced by a frown.

"A... friend...?"

"Yes." Shinra didn't say anything after that. Instead, he waited for Sakamoto to leave the room before he proceeded to take off the hospital gown and put on the man's clothes, a feat not easy to achieve with a broken arm. They weren't exactly his style, but the grey t-shirt, black pants and jacket worked pretty well together. His eyes then scanned the room for his phone and wallet, and once he found them he slipped them into his pockets and walked out. Sakamoto was no longer outside, but that worked for him, because he was not in the mood to get lectured again on how he should stay in bed instead of walking around.

It was starting to get dark outside when Izaya heard the doorbell, and even though he was tempted to pretend that he wasn't home, he got up from his desk chair and went to answer it anyway. He expected a different number of people to look for him, but an injured Shinra was not one of them. "What happened to you?" he asked, and even though he knew that it wasn't right to enjoy the doctor's suffering, he did nonetheless.

Shinra sighed loudly and fixed his glasses. "Shizuo happened," he said tiredly, the headache having gotten worse ever since he woke up in the hospital.

Izaya's first reaction was to tighten his fingers around the handle, a flare of anger rising within him, but when he remembered what Shinra had done to him, his murderous expression turned into a smirk. "Really now? And how exactly did that happen?"

"Do you mind?" Groaning, Shinra pushed Izaya aside and walked inside the apartment, completely ignoring the man's outraged expression. His eyes fell on the couch closer to the door and he hurried there, unsure on how much longer he could stand before collapsing on the floor, his vision having gone slightly darker around the edges long before he even got to the door. The moment he sat down he closed his eyes and reclined against the couch, sighing softly. "Don't look at me like that. I can feel your glare even with my eyes closed."

"Oh? That's quite the feat!" Izaya said and chuckled darkly as he sat down on the other couch, his eyes narrowing infinitesimally at the man's rain-soaked clothes dripping on his black couch.

Shinra's expression turned into a frown before he slowly canted his head and opened his eyes to look at Izaya. "You barge into my apartment all the times, so how is this any different from what you do?"

Izaya simply shrugged, an amused expression adorning his face. "Well, excuse me for needing a doctor once in a while. At least now you know what it means to confront Shizu-chan," he said, and he was surprised to hear Shinra growl, the usually calm man looking more pissed than he'd seen him in a long time.

"That strength is not normal," Shinra muttered before he finally straightened his back to give Izaya his full attention. He was feeling slightly better now that he wasn't standing, but the headache was still bad enough to make him crave the sweet relief of unconsciousness. Whatever painkillers Sakamoto gave him, they weren't working.

Brown-red eyes fell upon the bruised jaw, and Izaya felt his stomach roil with sickening intensity as he envisioned Shizuo hurting Shinra, the man's injuries a tell-tale of what must've happened between them. The doctor ran a shaky hand through his hair, and that's when Izaya saw the almost black bruises on those frail wrists. His fingers curled into the material of his pants, the simmering anger he felt towards him going down just a bit. "So how was it?" he finally asked in malicious tone, because despite how much he sympathized with the doctor, he couldn't forgive him for what happened during their last meeting. Shinra's tired eyes turned towards him, the man's confused expression telling him that he had no idea what he wanted to know. "How was it to be at Shizu-chan's mercy?"

Shinra tilted his head and blankly stared ahead for a while, trying to figure out how to answer the question. "Painful," he said after a while. He then looked straight into Izaya's eyes, the man's blood-thirsty smirk telling him that he was enjoying his suffering. "Extremely painful." Unconsciously, he ran his fingers across the bruised jaw, wincing in pain each time he pressed too hard into the skin. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

Izaya sneered before he reclined against the couch and crossed both his arms and legs. "I'm not that petty," he said coldly. Feeling annoyed, he snapped his head in the other direction and glared at an invisible spot on the wall. "Were you scared?"

"Anger overrode my senses, so there was no room for fear," Shinra answered honestly, and when Izaya turned his head and gave him a questioning look, he continued. "I heard some people saying they saw him chasing you through Ikebukuro. I thought he hurt you again, so when I found him, I confronted him, but I'm just a doctor, so I couldn't do anything..." he said, his tone dripping with spite. "Still, I'm relieved to see you're all right."

Despite how much he wanted to hate Shinra, Izaya still felt warmth spread throughout his chest, but unfortunately, that only made him angrier. "Hypocritical words coming from someone who tried to kill me with his bare hands." Shinra's flinch told him that the doctor most likely regretted his actions, but that still didn't make him feel better.

Shinra lowered his head, fingers painfully digging into his left arm. "I'm sorry... I lost it."

Hearing those words, Izaya saw red, and he had to fight the urge to get up and hurt him. "That's what he said," he ground out the words. "He hadn't meant to almost fuck me to death, and you didn't mean to strangle me to death... you both just lost it after all."

Feeling as though he'd just been punched in the guts, Shinra stared wide-eyed at Izaya for a few long moments before he finally found his voice. "I'm so―"

"I don't want to hear it!" Izaya hissed before he jumped to his feet and stomped over to Shinra. Bending down, he fisted his hand into the man's t-shirt, his whole body thrumming with rage as he shook him. "You betrayed me," he said in a wounded voice, not caring if the other could read him like an open book. In fact, he wanted Shinra to know just how much his betrayal hurt. "YOU BETRAYED ME!" he roared and pulled Shinra up before he roughly pushed him towards the door. "Get out."

"Wait, let me explain myself!" Shinra pleaded, but Izaya's stony expression told him that he was not in the mood for any excuses.

"I won't tell you again... get out," Izaya repeated as he pulled out a switchblade and flicked it open before pointing it in Shinra's direction. Seeing how the doctor was frozen on the spot, he sauntered towards him, the man only reacting the moment he raised the weapon and pressed it to his neck.

Shinra flinched and fought to swallow the lump in his throat as he gazed into Izaya's crazed expression. "I'm sor―"

"SHUT UP!" Izaya roared, the fury burning from deep within almost setting his eyes aflame. "I don't want to hear your excuses. You would not hesitate to throw me under the bus for Celty's sake," he said through gritted teeth, the hand holding the switchblade trembling badly enough to make a few superficial cuts on the already bruises neck of the man he once considered to be his only friend.

Shinra was too stunned to come up with a reply, so he opened and closed his mouth a few times before he found the right words. "I didn't know she'd bullied you into telling her what happened..."

Enraged, Izaya harshly fisted his left hand into Shinra's hair and leaned closer until their foreheads were almost touching. "No one can make me do anything I don't want to... well, no one besides Shizu-chan, but you already know that." Shinra tried to pull away, but Izaya tightened his fingers into the black hair and held him there. "What? Are you mad?" he asked, smirking, wanting to see what Shinra would do next, but when the doctor only glared at him, he continued. "I wouldn't have told her had she not insisted, but I won't deny that I enjoyed her distress when I told her how her precious Shizuo, whom she'd been defending the whole time, was nothing more than a rapist who would go as far as to fuck his archenemy just to teach him a lesson."

"You're the one who betrayed me!" Shinra snapped and grabbed Izaya by the front of his t-shirt. "You knew I wanted to spare her the suffering of knowing what her best friend had done, and yet you told her anyway!"

A vicious laugh spilled at Shinra's words, and Izaya shook his head and backed away before he pocketed the switchblade. Abruptly, he stopped laughing and glowered at him, the man almost shrinking back from his glare. "You betrayed me first by making me believe that you cared about me. I would've preferred indifference over false affection," he said in the coldest tone he could muster before his eyes fell on his laptop and he moved to sit down in his desk chair. "I'm busy, so if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you could leave me alone."

"I do care about you," Shinra confessed, but Izaya was typing away at his laptop, clearly dismissing him from his presence. "Please don't do this," he tried again, but he got no answer. Realizing that no matter what he said or did, Izaya wouldn't listen to him, he turned on his heels and headed for the door, his hand tightening around the handle when he heard a cold voice coming from somewhere behind him.

"You were the only person I would've never hurt."

Shinra barely stopped himself from running back and begging Izaya for forgiveness, knowing full well that it'd be pointless. Still, he felt the need to tell him something before leaving. "You should've known that I would do anything for Celty." Izaya didn't say anything, so Shinra walked out of the apartment and closed the door behind him, his heart sinking at the thought of their broken friendship.

Celty was watching TV when she heard the door open. Reluctantly, she got up and went to greet Shinra, already typing her welcome home message before she even reached the hallway, her PDA almost slipping from her hands the moment she was met with the sight of a bruised and injured Kishitani Shinra. [WHO DID THIS TO YOU?] she furiously typed, the small device almost breaking from how hard she was squeezing it in her fury.

Shinra lowered his head and awkwardly scratched his nape. "An old friend," he answered, and in the next moment the PDA was shoved in his face, so close to his eyes that he had to back away to see the text. "No one important, so can we please not talk about it?"

[He broke your arm!]

"Actually, no, he didn't," he said while struggling to take off his jacket. "I lost my balance and it broke when I fell, I swear!" When he saw that she didn't look convinced, he snatched the PDA from her hands and pulled her into a hug. "I missed you so much!" he chirped in a cheerful tone in an attempt to distract her. Immediately, Celty tried to pull away, but Shinra only held on tighter, refusing to let go of the woman for whom he'd lost his best friend. "I really need this right now," he said softly, and he couldn't have been more grateful to Celty when she wrapped her arms around his back and nestled into his embrace. "Don't worry about it, I'll be fine. The fracture will heal, and then all I'll be as good as new." From the way she was trembling, he could tell that she wanted to hurt whoever had attacked him, but he had no intention of telling her anything, because the last thing he needed was for Celty to confront Shizuo. She was strong, but so was Shizuo, and he couldn't risk her getting hurt. He didn't exactly think that he would attack her, but he had no doubt that Shizuo would defend himself if need be, just like he'd done earlier that day. "Can you help me out of this jacket?" he said after a while when her trembling finally subsided.

Reluctantly, Celty pulled away, took his hand, and then led him to the bathroom where she could take off his rain-soaked clothes, realizing that he might catch a cold if he stayed in them for much longer. Her eyes fell on his bruised jaw and neck, and she felt fury burning her from deep within, like a fire igniting the anger she felt towards whoever had done such a thing to the man she came to love.

"One second," Shinra said before he gave her back the PDA and turned on the hot water so that he could take a bath. "I'm freezing."

[Raise your arms,] she ordered, his surprised expression telling her that he hadn't expected to get help with the rest of his clothes. [I'm not going to run away when you need me the most.]

Shinra's smile grew wider and he raised his arms. "Are you sure? I don't want you to feel uncomfortable over something like this, especially when I can do it myself. Granted, it'll take me a while, but I'll get it done eventually." She typed her answer with conviction, and Shinra couldn't stop smiling at how cute she was when she was both so determined and flustered.

[I can do it!] Taking the last step towards him, she grabbed the lower part of his t-shirt and slowly pulled it up, revealing more and more pale skin. By the time it was completely off, her hands were quivering, and she quickly dropped it into the sink before coming back to him, that all-knowing smirk on his face further proving that Shinra could always guess what she was thinking, and what she was thinking at that moment was how could a doctor who didn't exercise much look so good, the lean body and elegantly defined muscles almost hypnotizing her into touching that milky skin.

"I can take care of the rest." He tried to spare her the embarrassment, but the way her shoulders moved told him that she was shaking her head. "Celty is so good to me, I don't even know how to tha―" he started, but the rest of the words got caught in his throat when she grabbed his pants and lowered the zipper before she unbuttoned them and tugged them down and off his legs. He shivered each time her fingers brushed against his skin, and he hoped that he wouldn't get too excited over something as simple as getting undressed by the love of his life. He was quite shameless at times, but getting hard in front of Celty when she was just trying to help was too much even for him. He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't even see her move, and he jumped in surprised when her fingers brushed past his navel. Instinctively, he grabbed the waistband of his underwear, his face going red at the thought of Celty seeing him completely naked. "I c-can do t-this!" he stuttered pathetically, expecting her to at least turn around and give him some privacy, but when she folded her arms in front of her chest, he stared in amazement, trying to think of all sorts of disgusting things so that he wouldn't get it up at the thought of the woman he loved seeing him in all of his naked glory. "I had no idea that you loved to see me suffer," he said with a smile on his face while he took off his underwear and stepped into the tub, resting the broken arm on the edge of the tub so that it wouldn't get wet.

[I don't like to see you suffer,] Celty typed on her PDA and showed him the message when she noticed how red his face was. Then again, she was certain that her face would turn red as well if she had her head, the image of a naked Shinra turning her on a lot more than she wanted to admit.

Shinra pouted and raised his knees, already starting to feel the beginning of a vicious hard-on. _Notnownotnownotnow,_ he kept screaming inside his head while Celty retrieved a sponge and proceeded to scrub his shoulders and back, his pulse increasing the moment she dipped a hand into the water to wash his abdomen. "ICANDOITMYSELF!" he screeched and backed away further into the tub, his heart speeding up and his body burning with desire. "I'll d-do the rest!" he said as he turned around, barely stifling a moan when he accidentally brushed his fingers against his nether region. Luckily, Celty heeded his request and went back to gently massaging his stiff shoulders. A pleasurable sigh slipped past his lips, and he relaxed into her touch even though he wanted nothing more than to take care of his own problem. His head still hurt, but the growing heat coiling around in his abdomen was distracting enough to almost make him forget about it. By the time Celty was done, he didn't even dare turn around because he felt thoroughly embarrassed with himself. "Thank you for your help, but I can do the rest. Wait for me outside, ok? I'll be right there," he tried, but the PDA shoved in his face from the Dullahan behind him made him cringe.

[You don't look very well.]

"I'm fine, really. I just need a few minutes," he said in an embarrassingly high-pitched tone. He held his breath as Celty typed the next message, and he almost cried in relief when he read it.

[Ok, I'll be outside. Call me if you need me.]

He frantically nodded and waited for Celty to get out and close the door behind her before he slumped in relief against the edge of the tub, his head hanging limply for a few moments before he grabbed the sponge and washed his lower half with a trembling hand. Mindful of his broken arm and stitched up head, he turned on the shower and leaned against the wall tiles, all the while making sure that the minimum amount of water got on his injuries. His whole body was burning, especially his middle half, and he bit into his lower lip in an attempt to stop the pleasurable noise threatening to slip past his burning lips, fearing that any sound he made would reverberate off the walls. As an accomplice to what he was doing, his mind bombarded him with fantasies of a naked Celty, his hand mindlessly increasing its speed to the point that it was slightly painful, but the searing need to come was so strong that he didn't even care anymore. He imagined himself squeezing those perfect breasts, and the image of Celty spread before him made him come undone. He almost blacked out when the orgasm rippled throughout his body, and he leaned his forehead against the cold tiles, his ragged breath so loud in his ears that he wondered if Celty could hear him from outside the bathroom. With his legs feeling like they were made of cotton, he allowed the water to pelt his heated body for only a few more moments before he turned off the shower and slid down the wall and back into the bathtub, his headache momentarily forgotten as he basked in the afterglow of a mind-blowing orgasm for a while, until he heard a knock on the door and he jerked in surprise, his slouched body straightening and turning stiff.

"I'll be right out," he assured Celty, and even though he wanted nothing more than to pass out right there, he forced himself to get out of the tub and dry his body with a towel, the thing almost slipping through his fingers when he realized that he had no clothes to change into. "Celty darling, could you bring me some clothes?" He heard the sound of footsteps moving away, and he wiped the fog off the mirror and stared at his reflection for a few moments, his face still red from his earlier activities. His fingers tightened around the edge of the sink and he laughed, thinking that he should've gotten injured a lot sooner if that was what it took for Celty to take such good care of him. He was still upset about his fight with Izaya, but he decided to put that aside for a while and enjoy this new development in his and Celty's relationship. Slowly, he unclenched his fingers and turned around, wanting to go and wait by the door for his clothes, not expecting Celty to simply walk in with no care in the world. Without thinking, he covered himself with his hand, his face growing hot once again. "You could've slipped them to me instead of coming in yourself," he said, his tone sounding a little strained.

Celty passed him the clothes so that she could type. [If I can't even take care of the man I love when he's injured, then what is the point of loving someone?]

Shinra's expression softened and his heart picked up speed again, a pleasant warmth spreading throughout his chest. "I love you too," he said with a smile on his face. He could tell that she was flustered and slightly uncomfortable about the whole thing, but that made him appreciate her help even more. He didn't protest when Celty took the clothes and proceeded to dress him, both of them enjoying the companionable silence. It wasn't late, but he was tired, and the vicious headache was back, so he took a few more painkillers before heading for the bedroom. "The cast is uncomfortable," he said while he lied in his bed. "I'm going to get arm braces tomorrow... you should come wit―" He never got to finish, his jaw falling when Celty's full body suit changed into a night gown and she slipped under the covers and into his arms. "Ah, Celty, you're so cruel, I hope you know that." Her shoulders jerked in silent laughter, and he wrapped his arm around her back and pulled her closer, a satisfied sigh slipping past his lips at having the woman of his dreams in his bed.

[Get some sleep!] she ordered, and then squirmed for a few moments until she found a comfortable position.

"Mhmm, good night," Shinra said just before he closer his eyes, a satisfied smile adorning his face. _I love you! I love you! I love you,_ he kept repeating inside his head until exhaustion caught up with him and he finally fell asleep.


	37. No Leaf Clover

**Chapter 37: No Leaf Clover**

.

"Aren't you going to tell me what happened? You haven't said a word ever since we ran into Orihara Izaya," Tom complained in a slightly irritated tone.

Shizuo slowly turned his head and gave him a confused look. "What?"

Tom gestured to a more secluded place where they could talk in peace, and Shizuo followed without protest. "You've been acting really strange since yesterday afternoon." Instead of replying, Shizuo seemed to ignore him, preoccupying himself with fishing the lighter and the cigarette pack from his pants pocket and lighting one up. "Could you please just answer my questions?" he snapped, feeling as though he was at wit's end.

Biting hard into the cigarette, Shizuo glared at him. He was far more disturbed by the dream he had the night before than by his run-in with Izaya even though their chase had almost ended with him punching the bastard in the face for trying to rile him up. He'd been awake for a few hours, and yet he still couldn't stop thinking how real the dream had felt. Slowly, he raised a hand and brushed his fingers across his face, as if to make sure it hadn't been real. "I don't want to talk about it right now," Shizuo finally mumbled when he realized that his friend was still glaring at him.

"You never do! Something happened between you and Orihara Izaya, I'm sure of it." He lit up a cigarette as well before continuing, his friend's rigid stance telling him that he was on the right track. "He said that you only broke his sink this time around, which suggests that you've broken more than that before, like maybe his bones. You caught him, didn't you?" The way Shizuo tensed at his words made Tom think that he was on the right track, so he continued. "It would explain his absence from Ikebukuro, and also why you started acting strange around the same time he disappeared." Sighing, he leaned against the wall. "You obviously hate him, but at the same same time you don't like violence, so I can see why you'd feel guilty if you had been too rough on him. You're a good person, Shizuo, and it looks like he's doing fine, so stop beating yourself over it." Disquieted laughter reached his ears and he felt a shiver run down his spine at the sound, his friend's crazed expression making him instinctively push back into the wall.

"You don't know anything," Shizuo snarled, snapping the cigarette in two and hurling it to the ground before viciously stomping on it. "Stop telling me that I'm a good person, because I'm not. The more you tell me this, the worse I fell, can't you see that?"

Tom was too shocked to say anything, so he nodded slowly. When he found his voice again, he felt the need to apologize. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

Shizuo immediately regretted his outburst. If anything, he should've been grateful that someone cared enough to ask what was wrong. "No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped like that." Leaning against the wall as well, he pulled out another cigarette. "I don't like it when people tell me that I'm a good person."

"I'm sorry, Shizuo, I really am," Tom apologized once again. "I don't think you're a bad person, that's all."

"I'm worse than you can imagine," Shizuo said, blankly staring ahead. "What I've done to him is unforgivable."

Tom canted his head, eyes falling on Shizuo's sad expression. "I can't help but wonder what it is that you've done."

"Something terrible," Shizuo confessed. "A good person would never do what I've done."

Tom pushed himself away from the wall before he moved in front of him and placed a hand on top of a tense shoulder. "You could've killed him for what he's done to you over the years, but you didn't. Isn't that enough?"

Shizuo lowered his head, his eyes now fixed on an invisible spot on the ground. "I think he would've preferred death―" he said without thinking, his head snapping back up, wide eyes staring at Tom's worried expression when he realized what he'd just said. "I shouldn't have said that! Fuck!" he fretted, teeth grinding hard against each other.

Tom's brows furrowed in confusion and he pulled his hand back. "Whatever it is that you've done, you're not dead yet, so it couldn't have been as―" He never got to finish though, Shizuo's broken laugh startling him. "Hey..." he spoke softly, but his friend was back to staring at the ground and contemplating what Tom had just told him.

Shizuo knew that Izaya had something horrible in store for him, but he couldn't even begin to guess what could be worse than what he'd already tried to do. A shiver ran down his spine at the memory and he shuddered, his body going cold at the thought that Izaya might still be thinking of using Kasuka to get revenge on him. He felt his heartbeat quicken, but then he remembered Izaya's words and he struggled to fight the nausea threatening to overtake him. He had no choice but to trust him. "Let's just get back to work. I don't like to think about it, you know?" he nearly pleaded.

Tom nodded, and he was about to inform him where they'd have to go next when a man stopped beside them instead of walking by. "Can I help you?" The man however ignored him and instead grabbed Ikebukuro's beast by the arm. Tom saw his friend's eyebrow twitch and he moved backwards with a sigh, already knowing what would happen next. It was right when the man had just finished asking Shizuo to come with him in broken Japanese that he was punched square in the face and knocked unconscious. "I can't help but wonder why he would ever think that it was a good idea to mess with you..." Tom mused out loud right before he shoved cold hands into his pockets and proceeded to walk away, Shizuo shrugging before following after him.

Hours went by as the two of them worked in silence, this time around Tom leaving him alone with his thoughts. Shizuo couldn't have been more grateful, especially when he could barely focus on the job. Luckily, he didn't have to; all he needed to do was to threaten or beat up guys here and there whenever Tom wasn't able to talk them into paying their debts. Shizuo's thoughts kept drifting to the other Izaya he'd met in his dream, the man's words haunting him more than most of the things the real Izaya had ever told him. He knew that Izaya was damaged, but was he as damaged as he'd been led to believe by the apparition in his dream? Such were the thoughts going through his mind as he was walking down a side-street to their next target when he felt a sting at the back of his neck. He raised a hand to swat away whatever it was that stung him, but instead of an insect, he pulled back a needle. "What the..."

Tom's eyes widened in apprehension. "What's going on?"

Shizuo tilted his head to the side for a few moments before his eyes drifted to his friend's curious gaze. "I'm not su―" he started, but before he got a chance to finish he felt another sting to the nape. "What the hell?" he growled out loud and turned around, only to see a man with a gun in his hand shoot another needle in his direction. He tried to dodge it but he was too slow, the thing going through his t-shirt and burying into his chest. "What's your goddam problem?" he hissed and pulled the needle out before he let it drop to the ground with a trembling hand. He could tell that something was wrong by how sluggish his movements were, his knees going weak enough to make him wonder if he could even reach the man before collapsing. He tried to take a step forward, but Tom was already rushing towards the attacker. Unfortunately, the other man was much better than either of them had expected, so Tom didn't even manage to land a hit before he was viciously punched in the stomach. Watching his friend double-over in agony spurred Shizuo into action, so he rushed forward with his fist raised, ignoring the weakness in his limbs, ready to punch his attacker into oblivion. The man easily dodged his fist, but instead of fighting back, the other moved away, as if knowing that getting close to him would be extremely dangerous.

"No fight; come," the foreigner said in broken Japanese, but Shizuo was already seeing red and he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from going after him even if he'd wanted. He tried to punch and kick him but the man kept evading his attacks, and the worrisome thing was that it wasn't just because Shizuo's body was far too weak for him to move at his usual speed, but also because the man obviously knew how to fight really well. Normally, that wouldn't have been a problem for Shizuo, but with the drug slowing him down, he was practically defenseless, just like that time when Shinra had injected him with something that made him lose his ability to stand. "What the hell do you want, bastard?" he roared as he pulled back his fist from the wall he'd just hit, not at all surprised when he noticed that his punch hadn't left a small crater behind. He got no answer though, and he saw Tom right as he was about to attack the other man, only to get stopped by another stranger in a suit. Two more appeared soon afterwards, and Shizuo couldn't deny that he was worried about being surrounded by a bunch of people who were obviously trying to get him.

He was used to fighting street gangs, not trained men wearing expensive suits, and he let a growl slip past his lips when the thought that Izaya might have sent them passed through his head. His eyes drifted to Tom who was fighting one of the men, and he couldn't help but worry that his friend might get hurt because of him. "Tell Izaya that he doesn't need to do something like this to capture me. I would've went there willingly," he assured them, but instead of getting a reply, the three men were upon him, landing punches and kicks that Shizuo couldn't dodge. He managed to land a few hits too, but considering how none of his opponents were sent flying through the air, things didn't look too good for him. The more time passed, the weaker he felt, and when one of the men grabbed him and viciously banged his head into the hard surface of the wall, his vision went black. Immediately, Shizuo felt the ground shift beneath him, and he realized that he must've collapsed once his vision came back and he was staring at the sky above. He let his head drop to the side and that's when he saw Tom struggling to get up just as one of the man was raising a fist to punch him yet again.

"S-stop," he croaked, "I won't f-fight anymore," and he felt relief when he saw the man lower his fist and move away from Tom.

"No... you have to f-fight!" Tom encouraged him, but Shizuo couldn't let his friend get hurt because of him.

"I'll be f-fine," he assured him, even though he doubted that he would ever see him again. He figured that Izaya had probably gotten sick of the games and he'd finally decided to end his life. He tried to push himself off the ground but he couldn't even do as much anymore, so when two of the men grabbed him by the arms and hauled him up, he didn't even try to fight. Tom refused to give up though, and Shizuo cringed when he saw his friend's final struggles before he was knocked unconscious by a vicious kick to the head. Anger flowed through his veins and he glared at the men around him, and yet there was nothing he could do to avenge Tom nor stop one of them from injecting more of that substance into his neck, his body going weaker and weaker until he finally lost consciousness.

Izaya was in the process of teasing Namie for the umpteenth time about her little brother Seiji as a way to distract himself from thoughts of his fight with Shinra when he heard one of his phones ring. His eyes widened in curiosity when he saw the name, and he put the phone to his ear before answering it in a cheerful voice. "Ueda-san, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call?"

_"I've called to inform you that your life is no longer in danger. I've made sure of that."_

Izaya's fingers tensed around the phone at the memory of the knife piercing his back, a small part of him seeing the events of that day as being the catalyst to his fight with Shinra. "Are you certain of that?"

_"Yes, I am certain."_

"I'm glad to hear that. Now, if there's nothing else..."

_"Wait, Orihara-san, there's one more thing."_

Izaya nervously swished in his desk chair from side to side, something in the man's tone telling him that he wouldn't like what Ueda had to say next. "What is it?" he finally inquired in a neutral voice once he got his emotions under control.

_"I have a...__gift__for you. Is there any way I can convince you to meet me?"_

Izaya stopped swiveling in his chair and instead nervously tightened his grip around the switchblade in his pants pocket.

_"Orihara-san, I assure you, I have no ill-intentions towards you,"_ Ueda continued. _"If anything, I am extremely grateful for your help, and as such, I would like to express my gratitude with a gift that I am certain you will enjoy."_

"In that case, I accept," Izaya answered, his curiosity getting the best of him. He wrote down the address where they were supposed to meet and got up. "I'll see you later, Namie-san," he chirped and waved good bye as he picked up his jacket and walked out of the apartment.

He had to admit that Ueda unnerved him, but he knew about the man's reputation and he doubted he would kill him even if the address where they were supposed to meet at was a warehouse of some sorts. Still, it was better to be safe than sorry. Fishing out his phone from the right pocket, he called out a member of the Dragon Zombies and told him to gather the others and meet him there. He made sure to warn them to stay hidden and to not interfere unless he called them out. With that taken care of, he called a cab and patiently stared out the car's window at the lively city and the fascinating humans inhabiting it. They went about their lives as though nothing had changed, while everything in Izaya's life was different. His only consolation was that his beloved humans did not know what had happened to their god.

Once the cab stopped in front of the warehouse, he paid the driver and got out of the car, a smirk plastered all over his face at the thought of how good the Dragon Zombies were at hiding. He set the phone to call their numbers at the push of a button before he confidently made his way towards the door where a man was waiting for him. "I'm here to meet your boss. My name is Orihara Izaya." He watched the man nod before he turned around and pushed the heavy door.

There were a number of things he expected to find as he briskly walked in, but a bloody Shizuo sitting on a chair and surrounded by three men with guns pointed at his head was not one of them. He smirked viciously despite himself as their eyes met, and he confidently walked in as though he owned the place.

"Welcome," Ueda told him with a neutral expression on his face.

Izaya didn't answer and instead paced around a miserable-looking Shizuo, thoroughly enjoying the sight of the trapped beast. He felt a surge of power as he watched him, knowing that he could end his life with a simple command; no matter how much of a monster Shizuo was, not even he could survive a bullet to the head. "I'm guessing this is my gift, yes?" he inquired as he turned his head in the businessman's direction, at the same time realizing that Shizuo must've thought it was his doing, a conclusion he had reached when he heard a surprised noise slip past the brute's bloody lips. Ueda smiled at him, but something about that smile unsettled Izaya.

"Indeed it is. Would you like to kill him yourself, or should one of my men do it for you? You don't have to worry about the body. My men will take care of it," he assured him and then ordered one of his men to hand Izaya a gun.

Shizuo, who until then had stayed quiet, let out a growl before trying to get up, only to stop and allow his still weak body to drop back on the chair the moment the armed men moved in closer. "Izaya, I don't know who this bastard is, but you're the only one I'll allow to kill me," he hissed between clenched teeth as his eyes momentarily flickered to the gun being offered to Izaya before his gaze fell on brown-red orbs. He had no doubt that Izaya would refuse the gun, and he almost laughed when the flea he seemed to know so well waved the man away. He was certain that if Izaya were to kill him, he would use his switchblades, and judging by the way he regarded him with an invincible smile on his face, he knew that the insect was seriously considering Ueda's offer.

Izaya didn't know if Shizuo could tell, but he'd greatly enjoyed to hear him outright state that he would be the only one permitted to end his existence. Even after everything that happened between them, he still found it amusing that Ikebukuro's beast would gladly jump chest first into a knife if Izaya would be the one holding it, and he almost found it hard to believe there was a time when he couldn't even stand the thought of Shizuo regretting his actions. The memory of waking up at Shinra's apartment was still painful, and he remember the dread he'd felt at the thought of his worst enemy pitying him. His opinion on the matter was no longer the same though, and as he watched the bleeding man that he so hated, he couldn't think of a worse outcome than Shizuo feeling no remorse and instead bragging about how he had succeeded in breaking him to pieces. He fought to not shudder at his own thoughts as he stared into the honey-brown eyes that showed great remorse, and when he realized that he was losing himself in them, he tore his gaze away from the wounded beast, his eyes falling on Ueda. "Shizu-chan is not a big threat. There is no need for me to eliminate him." He then turned his head and looked at Shizuo again. "At least not yet anyway," he admitted softly.

"My apologies, Orihara-san. I thought you would appreciate my gift, considering what this man has done to you."

Izaya felt the blood freeze in his veins. He slowly turned towards Ueda, unease raising the hairs on the back of his neck at the same time that he felt his knees turn to jelly. It took everything in his power just to keep standing, the man's pitying look making him want to flick open both his switchblades and bury them deep into the Ueda's eyes so that he could never look at him the same way again. Fighting against the nausea, he forced a smile on his face, but his tone still sounded a little strained when he spoke. "I am not sure what you're referring to."

Ueda's gaze fell on Shizuo who looked like a deer trapped in the headlights. "This man forced himself on you," he stated as he glared at him with animosity.

The stifling silence stretched for a long time until Izaya's laughter finally resonated throughout the warehouse, and he made a show by grabbing his side and pretending that it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard in his entire life, even though on the inside he was shedding tears of blood. "That's insane!" he exclaimed once he was done laughing, and as he stared at Ueda, he put on that mask which was the Izaya before Shizuo had dragged him into that alley and turned his world upside down. "Ueda-san, I believe there's a misunderstanding here. No such thing happened," he assured him with a smile on his face and a casual flick of his hand.

Ueda's eyes narrowed for a moment before he sighed out loud and lit up a cigarette. "As you might have figured out by now, those men sent to kill you were hired by my brothers. I wanted to make sure they would leave you alone, so I had my men bring them to me so that I could have a talk with them. That's when I found out about what Heiwajima-san here did to you."

"They lied!" Izaya rushed to answer, immediately regretting his outburst when he realized that denying it so vehemently was like admitting to it being true. He took a deep breath and smiled brightly, a contrast to the darkness he felt consuming him from within. "They must've been really angry to invent such a ridiculous story. Nothing like that happened. In fact, Shizu-chan was the one who saved my life back then."

Ueda shook his head. "They overheard the two of you speaking, and they had no reason to lie."

Izaya's face was as white as a sheet even though he was smiling, his facade crumbling under the knowledge that so many people knew what happened to him. It was obvious that denying it would be pointless, but as his eyes met Shizuo's, an insane thought passed through his head. Slowly, he turned towards the businessman, his smile not as fake as it had been mere moments before. "Ah, I see," he said, folding his arms across his chest. "I believe I now know what happened." He then turned towards the injured beast with a conspiratorial smile. "They misunderstood us, right, Shizu-chan?" He was worried that the protozoan would be stupid enough to say something he shouldn't, but luckily, he seemed to have gotten the message because he was keeping his mouth shut. Izaya's attention switched to Ueda again, and he hoped against all hope that the man would believe his lies. "I was merely telling Shizu-chan here how he'd been too rough on me that day." Raising a hand, he half-covered his mouth in mock-display of trying to keep Shizuo from overhearing his words. "He's such a beast in bed," he expertly lied, trying not to worry too much even after he heard Shizuo's sharp intake of breath. "Shizu-chan and I have been sleeping together for a while now. You can say that we needed a less... destructive way to spend our energy on." The businessman's eyes shifted from one to the other, the confusion in his eyes telling Izaya that Ueda was thinking he might've made a mistake but that at the same time he was still skeptical about the whole thing. Izaya inwardly cursed and walked over to Shizuo, narrowing the distance between them and hoping that the brute would just play along because having Ueda believe they were sleeping together was far better than the alternative. The thought of others knowing what happened to him was so terrifying that he didn't hesitate as he sat on Shizuo's lap and hooked his arms around the beast's neck regardless of the abhorrence he felt for him. "Shizu-chan looks best when he's covered in blood," he teased, and as he willed himself to move closer, he could tell that the beast was barely restraining himself from roughly pushing him away.

Shizuo could obviously take an educated guess as to where things were going, and as much he didn't want to do it, he had to admit that Izaya's vicious glare was far more terrifying than any guns pointed at his head. He fought with everything he had to not flinch when their lips touched, knowing that no matter how bad it was for him, it had to be a thousand times worse for Izaya. He was starting to wonder if this was a dream too, but then the kiss turned wild and Izaya moaned into it as though he was enjoying it all. He'd never heard that sound coming from Izaya mouth before, and that's when he realized that he too had to put on a good show if only for the flea's sake. He wrapped a possessive arm around Izaya's waist and grabbed a fistful of raven locks, their kiss turning hungrier by the second. Back then he hadn't kissed Izaya, but now that he was doing it, he couldn't deny that he was somewhat enjoying it regardless of everything that happened between them. _Monster!_ a voice echoed in his mind, visions of what he had done to the man suffocating him. _Monster! Monster! MONSTER!_ Soon enough he found himself desperately wanting to pull away, but he couldn't do it because he owed Izaya at least as much after almost killing him in the back of some dirty alley. The fingers in the raven hair tightened, and he tilted Izaya's head to the side so that he could kiss the pale neck instead of the man's lips. To the eyes of the men around them, it'd still look like they were making out, but at least it'd be less torturous for the trembling creature in his lap. Izaya wasn't showing it, but the soft tremors he felt told Shizuo more than he ever wanted to know, and that only served to further heighten his misery. His lips latched onto the pale neck and he heard Izaya moan again, the rushing sound of his quickening pulse mingling with it and forming an awful tune in his head. "I'm sorry," he whispered low enough so that only Izaya could hear him before he kissed his jaw and squeezed his ass. If that wasn't good enough for the rich bastard to believe him, then he didn't know what was.

"Mah, mah, Shizu-chan, have some patience until we get to your apartment," Izaya chirped and playfully smacked away Shizuo's hand before he got up, fighting with everything he had to not collapse right then and there. It took all the energy he had just to keep himself from shaking like a scared animal, and he almost couldn't believe that his voice still sounded so clear when he could almost hear his teeth chattering. Judging by Ueda's expression, the man had most likely bought the act, but he still licked Shizuo's blood off his lips and smirked at the man with a triumphant look on his face. "I would prefer you didn't kill my lover."

"I'm... I'm sorry." Ueda then turned towards Shizuo and lowered his head. "I apologize, Heiwajima-san."

"Don't worry about it," Shizuo mumbled as he got up, still feeling slightly dizzy from the drug they had injected into his bloodstream. He was about to take a step forward but Izaya wrapped his fingers around his wrist and stopped him. He knew there had to be a reason for it, so he chose to remain quiet as he stood there and waited for Izaya to finish his talk with the man.

"I must confess that I am quite upset by what you did here today, Ueda-san, but I am willing to let it go if your men lower their guns and you all forget this meeting ever happened," Izaya offered with the last of his strength.

Ueda nodded and gestured to his men to put away their weapons. "I've made a grave mistake today," he reluctantly admitted.

"Let's just say you owe me one," Izaya suggested, and he couldn't have been more grateful when the other man nodded.

Ueda turned around, his men following suit behind him. "Until next time, Orihara-san."

Izaya immediately pulled out his phone with trembling fingers and sent a message to the Dragon Zombies in which he told them to leave because he no longer needed them.

"We should go too," Shizuo grumbled, but Izaya tightened the grip around his wrist. Shizuo was almost too afraid to look at the pale face, so instead he focused his attention on the men walking out of the warehouse, knowing that the moment the door closed, all hell would break loose.


	38. Of Dream And Drama

**Chapter 38: Of Dream And Drama**

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Shizuo felt the air shift beside him before his wrist was even released, and he instinctively jumped away, expecting the man to thrust a switchblade into his flesh. He swiftly spun around, eyes widening in disbelief when he was met with the sight of a rather miserable-looking Izaya sitting in a squatting position and gripping the raven locks of his bowed head with quivering hands. A soft sound of surprise slipped past his lips, the eerily familiar sight making his stomach knot. For a fraction of a second, he thought this too was a dream, but he immediately dismissed the idea when he remembered with absolute certainty there had been no scar beneath Izaya's lower lip. The other Izaya's words echoed in his mind, _"Don't worry. I'm sure you've scarred his mind enough,"_ and he staggered backwards; whatever was happening before his very eyes wasn't supposed to happen, and he _refused_ to acknowledge it. The flea he knew would not under any circumstance break down in front of his most hated enemy. Izaya was supposed to mock and taunt him even while in pain, and yet reality seemed to have slapped Shizuo in the face with a completely opposite picture of what he'd expected from the man. Judging by the sounds coming from the smaller form, Izaya was having a hard time breathing, and much like in the dream he had the night before, Shizuo took a step towards him and raised a hand, the instinct to comfort the quivering creature vying for dominance and eventually overriding the common sense that told him the aggressor was not supposed to console the victim, even if this time around he hadn't exactly assaulted him.

As expected, Izaya recoiled from the touch as though he'd been burned, losing his balance and pathetically falling on his backside, a violent shudder racing through his body and leaving him trembling a lot harder than before. He didn't dare raise his head, but he could feel Shizuo's intense gaze on him and he was certain that Ikebukuro's beast was enjoying the show. How could he not? Shizuo still hated him, and no matter how much the monster kept apologizing, Izaya knew that at least a small part of him had to be rejoicing at sight of him looking so miserable and defeated. Shame―like he hadn't felt since _that_ day―overwhelmed him, and he felt disgusted with himself for allowing the man who had done this to him to witness his disgraceful fall. As though the memories of Shizuo thrusting into his beaten, bloody body weren't bad enough, now he also had to deal with the ones where he was making out with the beast who had humiliated him in the worst possible way. He had no choice but to moan for a man who made him feel nothing but pain, for a beast with inhuman strength who had relished his agony and laughed at it; all of it just to keep their ignominious secret. The kiss had been a nightmare in itself, but what really triggered whatever it was that was happening to him was Shizuo's hand on his backside, those cruel fingers digging into his flesh making him feel powerless all over again. Judging by the beast's behavior in general, he was pretty sure that he wouldn't attack him like that again, and yet, as he stared at his trembling knees, he still couldn't make them stop, because his body was not quite catching up to his mind. He weakly raised a hand and tried to get up, but he couldn't get his legs to move. He wanted Shizuo to disappear from there, or for the monster to at least forget ever witnessing such a humiliating display, but no matter how much he wanted it, he couldn't magically erase it from Shizuo's mind. The only thing left was killing him, but Izaya had no intention of doing that just yet.

"I'm so sorry..." he heard Shizuo apologize, and no matter how much Izaya wanted to throw him a defiant and mocking glare, he couldn't even raise his head to look at him, not when all he could remember were cold hands, vicious thrusts, and the disgusting breath smelling of tobacco, as well as those cruel words spoken in his ear by the wild, merciless beast doing its best to make him bleed. Instead, he opened his mouth to say something, to tell Shizuo to go fuck himself, or to shove his apologies where the sun didn't shine, but his lips and throat were too dry and he couldn't find his voice. If anything, it felt as though his strength had been sucked right out of his body through that disgusting kiss, and no matter how much he fought to stop the shivers wracking his frame, his body was not listening to him and his teeth wouldn't stop chattering. Even his breathing was too loud, and it formed a horrible tune in his ears as it mingled with the sounds of his wildly beating heart and chattering teeth. The tears prickling at the corners of his eyes stung, but he refused to let them fall, especially when the man who was responsible for his utter destruction was standing right in front of him. His tongue felt like sandpaper and it hurt to swallow, but he kept struggling to speak until he finally found his voice. "You m-must be enjoy...enjoying this," he uttered brokenly, hating how meek his voice sounded. The beast's low growl made him flinch, his own pathetic reaction bringing with it a new wave of shame to his already bruised ego.

"I'm not enjoying _this,"_ Shizuo replied through clenched teeth, the whole situation reminding him too much of the encounter with the other Izaya. It was like the dream had been a prophecy of some sort, and that unnerved him more than he ever thought possible. He wasn't a hypocrite to say that he cared about Izaya's well-being, but when the man he hurt so deeply was yet again a shaking mess because of him, he couldn't help but drown in guilt. The nefarious chuckle he heard next made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, and he took a step backwards on instinct, hoping that Izaya would not lash out at him because of what he'd been forced to do.

"But isn't _this_ what you wanted?" Izaya inquired in a spiteful voice.

Even though Izaya couldn't see him, Shizuo still shook his head in denial. "I stopped wanting it ever since our eyes met right after I... after..." but he couldn't finish, the memory of those wounded blood-like eyes staring at him in terror almost making him want to drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness, regardless of the fact that Izaya was his enemy and the man who had tried to get him killed before; it didn't even matter that the Informant was a horrible human being, or that Izaya deserved some sort of punishment for his sins. None of that mattered when he could hardly live with himself knowing that he could do that to anyone. Izaya wasn't saying anything, the man staying eerily silent instead of insulting him. "Hey, are you... ok...?" Shizuo reluctantly asked, but he was not deigned with an answer, and because of that, he didn't know what to do. Taking _this_ Izaya into his arms was like asking to get stabbed, and he quickly dismissed the suicidal thought when he realized how insane it sounded. He nervously ran a hand through his hair and approached him, breathing in relief when the man didn't crawl away from him. He slowly extended his hand and offered it to him, all the while wondering why everything felt so damn awkward. He surmised that it had to be because of their earlier kiss, and without thinking, he raised his other hand and ran a finger across his lips. If things had been different between them, if they had been together, it would've most likely ended just as badly; that's what kind of monster Heiwajima Shizuo was. He pulled back his left hand and focused on Izaya again, waiting for the man to react.

Ever so slowly, Izaya raised his head, following the contour of the arm offered to him until their eyes finally locked. No matter how much he wanted to say that he understood Ikebukuro's beast, he couldn't. Shizuo was supposed to laugh at his misery, and yet the stupid beast was looking at him as though he was the one in pain. Izaya's eyes narrowed into slits before moving back to the hand being offered to him; such a laughable gesture coming from the man who had left him to die after doing despicable things to him. At least most of the trembling had ceased, but Izaya's hands still shook with soft tremors, and he slowly tucked them beneath his arms to hide them from his enemy's view. He expected the dumb protozoan to give up, but the idiot was still standing there waiting for him to take his hand. He tried to hold it in, but the laughter still spilled past his lips, empty and broken just like how he felt on the inside. "Why is the beast who trampled on a god trying to help him up?" Izaya asked in a flat tone and smacked the monster's hand away.

"... because I'm sorry," Shizuo answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Now that Izaya had refused his help, he straightened his back and took a step backwards, wanting to give the man some space.

_Another apology,_ Izaya thought bitterly as he placed his palm flat against the ground and pushed himself upwards. The simple act of standing was tiring him out, but he had to move if he wanted to go home. Ignoring the beast watching his every move, he canted his head to the side and worked on dusting off his pants and jacket, until he heard a click followed by the smell of a burning cigarette. He snapped his head in Shizuo's direction so fast that he almost got dizzy, wide eyes transfixed on the stick between the monster's lips. He swallowed thickly and slowly backed away, Shizuo too busy fixing his own clothes to notice how pale the Informant went the moment the smell hit his nostrils. Izaya barely stopped a pathetic whimper from climbing up his throat, and he closed his eyes to at least not see it, but all he could hear were the monster's grunts from back then, his brain unwillingly making the association between the tobacco smell and the beast's sounds of pleasure.

It wasn't until Shizuo's eyes drifted back to Izaya that he noticed something was wrong.

"S-Shizu-chan..." Izaya spoke in a low, pained voice, his eyes still scrunched up in agony. "Put it o-out," he almost begged, the fingers of his right hand painfully digging into his other arm.

"Huh?" Shizuo asked and dumbly stared at the other's pained expression until he realized that Izaya was talking about the cigarette. He immediately hurled it to the ground and stepped on it, all the while cursing under his breath for being so stupid. "I didn't know... I'm sorry, I got confused. The other you didn't mind."

Izaya's eyes fluttered open, revealing confused and at the same time curious brown-red orbs. "What other me?" he asked, but this time his voice was less shaky.

Shizuo sighed loudly and lowered his head, eyes fixed on the cigarette he'd just viciously crushed under the sole of his shoe. "Just a dream I had," he muttered, and then continued when Izaya seemed genuinely interested in finding out more. "It felt so real, you know? You weren't at my apartment last night, were you?"

Izaya slowly shook his head and lowered his hand, his brain no longer bombarded by painful flashbacks. He tilted his head to the side, hoping to hear more about what Ikebukuro's beast had dreamed about.

"It was you... but it wasn't you. At first, I thought it was you, but he didn't have a scar on his thigh, so it couldn't have been you, 'cause you have one, right?"

Izaya blinked a few times before he nodded and slowly approached Shizuo, only stopping a couple of feet from him.

"He thought I was the Shizuo he knew, but he eventually figured out that I wasn't. He... the other you and the other me..." Shizuo said and then continued in a voice so low that Izaya had to strain his ears in order to hear him, "they were together, you see. I mean like really together, even though they seemed to have broken each other too."

Izaya took a step backwards, appalled by the words he'd just heard coming out of the beast's mouth. If Shizuo had dreams about the two of them being together then... "Do you..." and he had to swallow the lump in his throat so that he could continue, "want to... fuck me again?"

Shame and guilt washed over Shizuo, and his expression morphed into one that was just as appalled as Izaya's. "No..." he answered weakly. "NO!"

Izaya fished out both switchblades and flicked them open in one fluid movement before he assumed a fighting stance. If the beast was dreaming about the two of them being together, then he could no longer trust him not to assault him again. Not that he ever trusted him, but he wanted to believe that Shizuo could keep it in his pants.

"You don't have to― goddammit, Izaya, stop looking at me like I'm about to rip your clothes off and fuck you right here on this warehouse's floor," Shizuo snapped, his anger burning so bright that he marched to the small chair he'd been sitting on earlier and kicked it straight into the opposite wall. He then turned around, looking almost livid. "You know what? Screw you, bastard!" he snarled and headed for the heavy door, not even sparing Izaya a glance as he opened it and slammed it with a lot more force than was necessary.

Once he found himself outside, Shizuo hated to admit that he had no idea where he was, but he kept on walking, wanting to put as much distance between himself and the bastard who should've just shot him instead of kissing him. If he'd done that, then Shizuo wouldn't have had to witness Izaya breakdown for a second time in less than twenty-four hours; it was more than even Ikebukuro's beast could handle. He never would've kissed him if he had a choice, but he didn't, and because he'd played along, Izaya ended up looking at him as though he'd just raped him all over again, even though Shizuo himself had been as unwilling during the whole thing.

Shizuo was sorry. He was fucking sorry. He was so sorry about the pain he had caused Izaya that he wanted to curl in a corner and die there like the disgusting animal that he was. As those thoughts consumed him, he felt tears prickle his eyes and he growled, rapidly blinking a few times to chase them away. He'd come close to breaking down a few times too, but each time that happened, he grit his teeth and kept going, waiting for the day when Izaya would get tired of the games and finally plunge one of those switchblades into his heart.

It wasn't that he wanted to die so that he wouldn't feel anymore―well, maybe a little―but the main reason why he craved nothingness' sweet embrace was because he genuinely thought he deserved to die for what he'd done, regardless of the reasons he might've had to punish Izaya. He didn't understand it at first, but after seeing Kasuka's beaten body and believing that his little brother had went through the same horrible experience as Izaya, he finally understood that any person who did such a despicable thing to another had to be wiped out of existence. As though he wasn't being tormented enough, he ended up meeting another Izaya through a dream which felt so real that made Shizuo doubt his sanity; a dream that only succeeded in inflating the guilt he already felt towards the bane of his existence. The sad thing was that he still _hated_ Izaya, which made everything that much worse. The guilt made him feel sorry for the pest, but his hatred still burned bright whenever he even so much as looked at him. Shizuo truly _loathed_ himself for doing something that made him feel sorry for the man he hated the most in the entire world.

Every day, he felt torn in half by the hate and the pity he felt for the man. It confused him so much that most of the times he didn't even know how to act around him. He wanted to go back, back to when they were nothing more than enemies hating each other's guts, back to when the flea was still looking at him with disdain instead of fear. "FUCK!" he bellowed at the sky from the top of his lungs. "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!" he kept shouting a few more times before lowering himself into a squatting position―much like Izaya had done―and pulling at his hair in both rage and despair. "Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck," he kept repeating through clenched teeth for a while until he could finally breathe again. Only once he was done he released the few blond strands of hair he had grabbed earlier and opened his eyes. "You can't fucking break down," he told himself before he straightened his back and forced his legs to move.

He had no idea for how long he'd been walking, but it was starting to get dark by the time he reached Ikebukuro's busy streets. His clothes were a mess and he was bleeding, but he didn't give a shit as he walked into a shop and ordered a chocolate cake for the taking. The vendor seemed slightly scared of him, so she quickly packed it and handed it to him. Shizuo hoped she didn't mind a few smudges of blood on the bills he'd just handed. He also stopped to buy two cartons of milk, one for when he got home and one for the next morning. His throat was so dry and raw after so much shouting that he couldn't help but cringe each time he had to speak because of how terrible his voice sounded, but he didn't want to drink the milk in the middle of the street, as tempting as that was. He nearly stopped at the pastry shop too, but instead of going in, he balled his hands into fists and kept walking, knowing that he shouldn't overdo it just because he felt like shit.

As soon as he got home, he put the cake and the cartons of milk in the fridge and rushed straight to the shower, glad to finally get rid of the blood caked on his temple and in his hair from where his head had been savagely banged into a wall. He undressed himself as fast as he could and dropped the dirty clothes into the sink, intending to wash them later when he was up to the task. He let out a soft sigh as the hot water pattered his back, and he made up his mind to leave the mulling for when he'd be digging into the chocolate cake while watching TV. He stayed under the shower for a long time, until the water started to turn cold and he had no choice but to get out.

As he stepped out of the shower, he caught his reflection in the mirror and he cringed, realizing that his roots were starting to show. He made a metal note to buy some dye, because he was too used to blonde hair to switch back to his natural black color. He grabbed the towel, dried himself, and then walked out of the small bathroom and headed straight for the sweatpants he'd tossed on the bed when he woke up, the same ones he remembered wearing in his messed up dream. "I should've kept my mouth shut," he mumbled to himself before he put them on and went to retrieve the cake he'd bought.

The thing was a bit too big, but it didn't really matter. He shrugged and set it on a plate before he grabbed a spoon and went into the living room where he sat down on the couch with a pleasurable sigh. He then grabbed the remote control and changed the channels a few times until he finally found a decent enough movie that he thought he would be able to watch without getting annoyed. He reclined on the couch, put his feet on the coffee table and dug into the cake, eyes almost rolling into his head at how sweet it tasted. Now that he thought about it, he didn't really want to mull over the day's events just yet, and he firmly told himself―as he shoved another spoonful of cake into his mouth―that even someone like him should be allowed to have a small respite once in a while.

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Guest (who left a comment on Chapter 37): Thank you! I'm glad to hear that you loved it. I'll continue to update as often as I can.


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